Alright, this happened a few years ago but it still irritates me so I’m going to talk about it.
In 2006, a mental health charity in Norway opted to have a statue of Winston Churchill in a straight jacket erected. I thought to myself, “You know, that is an incredibly good idea I think.” Their line of thinking was since they used him a lot as an example in therapy sessions to show depressives that they could overcome and be functional that it might be a good idea to extend that. Churchill acknowledged his own battles with depression and referred to it as being in straight-jacket. He was also known to self-medicate through alcohol and used oil painting as a coping mechanism.
I hear often how others hear people with mental illness talking about famous people who suffered from the same things or were widely believed to. The people that complain about this are missing the point. It’s not that those individuals necessarily think they are special, unique snowflakes because of it. Yes, there are some that do and they are as irritating to us crazy people as they are to you. But it more has to do with holding on to some sliver of hope that the rest of your life won’t be complete shit if you have been struggling through a lot to that point. When you struggle with suicidal thinking daily, you start latching onto anything that might remotely be a reason to not slit your wrists in a bathtub.
At any rate, it is difficult to tell exactly why the statue was taken down as there are conflicting reports. But once it went up, plenty of people had quite a bit to say about it. Normals and the Churchill family seemed to think it was some great affront to Churchill to depict him in such a way. That it would somehow tarnish their memory of him. But of course, when you only want to remember the positives of people and not who they actually were this can be a problem.
I think its unfortunate that the statue was removed and that its intention was so badly misconstrued. It could have served as a beacon of hope and a visible reminder that there are others that walked the same path and struggled with the same demons. But on the flipside of the coin, it generated a massive amount of drama and attention which in turn was focus on the issue. So it wasn’t all bad I suppose.
Another point I hear fairly often is that you can’t look at a historical figure and decide whether or not that person might have had mental instabilities. Which is odd considering the way mental illness is typically determined is by analyzing someone’s actions over a long course of time. This is of course subject to the interpretation of the person looking back on it, but really; there is some things that just stand out and serve as a window to anyone that really knows what they’re looking at.
It’s not insulting or disrespectful to suggest that someone is mentally ill. It is really no different than suggesting that being a woman or being black is somehow insulting or disrespectful.
“People get so weird about mental illness. It’s no different than anything else. You follow the rules. You don’t put a heart patient on a roller coaster, and you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with ya.”
– Christopher Titus “Norman Rockwell is Bleeding”
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The current health-care debate raging around the country is an animal that is almost impossible to read at this point. Which is unfortunate. Conservatives want to argue that this means death councils and the socialism of America. Liberals argue the other direction saying it does not go far enough. And neither side wants to be killing the poor helpless “might be babies”. Due to the vast amount of information put out by both sides and conspiracy retards it is almost impossible to find a non-partisan explanation of what exactly the bill entails and is going on.
Trust the government? Would that be the same government that led us into war under false pretenses in Vietnam? Or again in Iraq? Or commissioned the creation of the CIA which is above all United States law unless specifically noted? Or who has sponsored and conducted testing on civilians both at home and abroad without their knowledge? The only thing you can trust the government on is that they are untrustworthy. But really, that is to be expected. You don’t trust every jackass walking down the street at you, the same can be said of officials who’s primary goal is to retain power and votes.
Healthcare reform had to come at some point. The system we have currently is entirely broken. Thanks to increases in premiums for things like malpractice insurance, doctors end up working six days a week just to be able to stay afloat. Running yourself ragged is certainly an excellent way to increase the chances of screwing things up and ending up being bankrupted by a lawsuit.
Insurance companies had the power to turn someone down based on their prior health. So if you happened to lose your insurance while having a serious medical condition, good luck keeping your house and not going bankrupt. To me, this is a fairly simple thing. The government should have intervened a long time ago simply based on the first sentence of the Declaration of Independance.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
When your healthcare system is so broken that it prevents people from seeking the help that they need to be able to live their lives to completion and pursue their own fulfillment, something is screwed. So rather than in a broad context, I’m going to go into how I see this from my own point of view. Obviously, since it’s my blog of me running my fat cocksucker.
Anyways.
Bipolars die on average 25 years earlier than normals. The average Bipolar takes TEN YEARS to get a correct diagnosis and then BEGIN their walk towards mental stability. Not only is it more difficult to get general assistance for the Disorder but the nature of having to cram as many patients into as small a time period as possible just to stay afloat guarantees that those numbers continue. If I want insurance through a private company I have to pay far out the ass because I have a pre-existing condition that makes me a medical liability.
So, in summary. I have a medical condition to which I could use insurance to get better and lead a productive life, but I can’t get insurance because I have a medical condition that would require me to actually have to use it. What the fuck is that shit? I’m in favor of a government-oriented plan, even if it is not a single-payer plan. If it guts the insurance industry, who gives a shit? Fuck ’em. They’ve been profiting off of others’ misery since their establishment as it is and have forced healthcare prices to such a level that reform became a necessity.
I also find it highly amusing that the ones beating the drum most on this tend to be pro-Lifers as well. I think the major issue with the far Right nutbags is that they haven’t spent enough time at the bottom of the barrel to realize just how fucked things are. If prices were at least somewhat affordable and insurance companies didn’t anally violate those with pre-existing conditions by refusing to help them pay for the bills that they themselves are responsible for inflating, I might have more sympathy for their stance.
So yes, it is my opinion, that insurance companies are coming between all of our right to both Life and the pursuit of Happiness. I’m well aware that many people view that phrase as hypocritical since they were referring to white men. Times change. And it is my belief that everyone has that right. That includes the rich, the poor, and the poor bastard that hiked through a desert to be here that’s getting fucked by our system. Sorry folks, but I have a hard time believing any American is going to work for four bucks an hour or sell oranges on an offramp. Everyone deserves to be able to have access to the tools that will let them lead a healthy life and pursue their own happiness.
I think levying a tax on both insurance companies and manufacturers that move their production facilities out of country would cover it all pretty well.
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I went away for the weekend to get some time away from the house which I direly needed. Leaving this morning reminded me of a deep-seated fear that I had not had in awhile. I took enough medication for yesterday with me, but since I was near the end of my medication divider box, I didn’t refill it because it wasn’t Sunday yet. So when I finally had some thoughts to myself, all I could think about was getting home and making sure I got my dosages in my body before it got to be too late. So, why is this important?
Well, what some individuals that take psychiatric medications can’t seem to grasp is that when you start feeling better, it means the medication is working. So they do what many do with prescriptions, and stop taking it when they start feeling better. These people are ignorant and idiots. On both accounts. First of all, a prescription regiment is to be -completed-, because if it’s not then whatever you are getting treated for could re-emerge and be much worse. Second of all, when you are a Bipolar and start feeling better from taking your medication that means its working. The medication narrows your swings and keeps them from getting too far out of control. Not taking that medication in a controlled fashion can cause you to become very erratic to the point of threatening your safety or those around you.
Allow me to be blunt. You are -fucking stupid-, inconsiderate, and ignorant if you are on a good medication regiment and “decide” you don’t need it anymore. You don’t stop taking it once you feel well otherwise you’ll just start cycling again, except harder as the medication works out of your system. If you’ve exhausted non-medicatory means in trying to keep your swings into a reasonable cycle, going medication can help tremendously. I know some people have a difficult time with the prospect or don’t want to become a mindless zombie or have it change them. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Medication is supposed to run congruent with a livable lifestyle. If your mind completely craps out while on a medication and it doesn’t lift after a couple of weeks, talk to your doctor and try something else. It is really that simple.
I’m not at all shy about saying I’m Bipolar. And because of that I’ve heard of many stories of friends and families of people that were Bipolar and stopped taking medication, or stayed on the wrong medication and self-destructed. Those stories don’t have to end in suicide or imprisonment if the sufferers would find more enlightenment about it. It’s not just the sick person it affects but those close to them. If you are that person, you have no right to endanger yourself and those around you by treating a medication regiment like vitamin pills and being ignorant to the repercussions.
Finding the right medication cocktail is a trying and frustrating process. Believe me, I know. Mine wasn’t as long as some folks but three years was long enough to show me how much it sucks. But now, for the first time in years I wake up and don’t think of killing myself first off. I can listen to some of the songs and watch some of the movies that would’ve kicked me straight into a suicidal depression. I can deal with stresses and thoughts that have ramped me into mania and caused me to do harm to myself and to others. And I will tell you, it took a damned long time of trying different things and slight increases and monitoring how I felt 24/7 to find it.
“Oh but it’s expensive!” 50ish bucks for a doctor’s appointment, 8 bucks a month for the prescriptions in generic form. If you’re reading this right now, you can cancel your internet and you’re already well on your way. Nothing in the world is like feeling well. It’s there, you just have keep journeying towards it.
I wake up in the morning and I have hope for my future where I had none before. I know I can make up for the things that I’ve dragged my friends and family through with me though they may not have understood what in the hell I was thinking. But I assure you, it made perfect sense while I was warped. I owe that to my friends, family, and my medication regiment. And anyone else can do it too if they need it. The services are there. You just have to look for them.
Bipolar Disorder never goes away. It never stops. You have to learn to live with it and deal with it. Learn to manage it and identify when it is threatening to rear it’s head. What, do you think it’s exhausting having to take a couple pills every day? What about spending 20 hours a day constantly trying to figure out how you feel to make sure you’re not ramping manic thoughts and steal your significant other’s credit card, go to Vegas, bang six hookers, bankrupt yourself, and lose everything you care about because your brain was lying to you? Isn’t that a little inconvenient too?
It’s the lesser of two evils. I would rather be dead than go back to feeling how I used to feel even five years ago. Numb, null, and void every fucking day. Unable to care about anything and having to constantly fake my way through it so people wouldn’t ask questions. Not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. Not wanting to get my picture taken because when I smiled in them, it always felt like I was lying to whoever was viewing it. Most of my life hasn’t been a joyous affair. I never wanted someone to look at my picture and say “oh he looks happy” because that’s just shitting all over the 17 years I spent wading through this quagmire in my brain. But now when I smile, I have a damned good reason to. More importantly, it’s genuine.
When I smile it’s because happiness is breaking through. When I smile I don’t feel like I’m lying to the world. Part of the reason I did go through it for so long was because I did hide. Because I refused to let it show. I buried it deep and far away and only dealt with it weeping in my bedroom or in the shower where I couldn’t be heard. I don’t believe in being false to people because of it. And to me, that’s what it was. Being false.
Now I have no reason to feel like shit about it. I have the people that cared about me that helped me get here, and medication to thank for it. I’ll deal with the couple of side affects from it for the clarity of mind I have now.
It is a gorgeous morning to wake up to.
“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know that right now you can’t tell
but wait awhile and maybe then you’ll see
a different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
but soon enough you’re going to think of me
and how I used to be.. me. “
– Matchbox 20 “Unwell”
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Part of the reason I kicked off this blog is because of some common things I hear pertaining to mental illness and the lack of understanding Normals tend to have for it. Today I would like to spend some time touching on suicide. If you have never been suicidal, you will have a very hard time understanding the thought process behind it. It would be like asking a man what it’s like to be vaginally raped, or asking a woman what it’s like to be castrated.
The most common comments I hear in regards to it are “How could they be so selfish!” and “I just don’t understand.” Well, let me expand on those two simple concepts.
The suicidal thought process is driven by depression in general. Now, a Normal will sit there and think, “oh big deal, they were sad”. Well friend, you have not experienced the sort of soul-crushing, mind-numbing depression that spurs this line of thinking. There is a world of difference between being sad and being depressed. Being sad means you might feel down in the dumps for a bit but eventually it’ll pass. With depression, you feel nothing. Nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. And it doesn’t last for a few minutes or a few hours. It lasts for weeks, months, sometimes years.
As someone that has practiced self-destructive tendencies in my younger years, I did not do it because I was sad or that I felt I needed punished. I did it because I wasn’t sure if I could actually feel anything anymore. I wasn’t sure if I was still alive or not. So I would lay a steak knife on the stove, heat up the blade, and trace it on my skin to give myself first and second degree burns. I opted to not cut because I knew it would leave bad scars and people would ask questions. But with burns, a little aloe vera and it would heal over smoothly. Which for the most part it did. I did this in some of my worst bouts of depression. And that is the difference between being depressed and being sad.
Another common misconception is simply that “What reason do these people have to be depressed?”. There isn’t a requirement for one to have reasons to be depressive. Think of it this way. When you have influenza or a bad cold, how do you feel mentally? Do you feel bright and chipper and outgoing? Or would you rather just curl up in a ball under a blanket and sleep away the time until you’re better? With making that comparison, why is it so hard to believe that there is a physical reason to feel utterly void and like complete garbage that doesn’t give you the sniffles? The difference is, depression will stay with you far into the future if not taken care of like any other illness.
Now to address “How could they be so selfish!”. If you’ve had a loved one that has killed themselves you’ve likely had that phrase cross your mind once or twice. Let me respond with this. What do you think they were thinking about the time up until that point? Being suicidal is like watching a merchant’s scales get balanced. On one side, you have everything you care about. All your loved ones, the things you’re able to care about, and everything important to you. On the other side of the scale, is the effects of depression slowly stacking up. The emptiness, the inability to connect, the inability to feel anything other than muted emotion; it all piles up slowly on the other side of the scale. Eventually, the depressive side of the scale will overwhelm the things you love.
I assure you with 100% certainty; if you have a loved one that has killed themself, they did not come to that decision lightly. A long, long string of circumstances led up to it. They thought of their families and the people that cared about them. They weighed it all several times in their mind and depression finally won. The unfortunate part is that depression only has to win once and for a very short time to remove that person from their life.
As for understanding? Unless you’ve been suicidally depressed it’s not something that can easily be understood. I will say this. It does not matter whether or not you understand now. Educate yourself to depression and the effects of it. That way if you have other friends or relatives that fall into that pit, you can help identify it early and help head it off at the pass. Suicidal depression doesn’t just pop up, typically an individual will give indications leading up to that event. Being able to identify them will go a long way towards helping that individual.
If you have a friend or a family member that took their life, let it go. Try and remember them fondly. Try and remember them in better times. Don’t avoid talking about them. Don’t “forget” they ever existed by being too uncomfortable to talk about them. The internal misery they went through to draw them to the point of no return was punishment enough. And if you have a history of mental illness in your family, chances are pretty good that some of the people around you are masking their own mental troubles. It happens all the time. Being able to identify it and help them keep those internal scales balanced on a favorable side will keep them around a lot longer.
After looking through several venues, I have recently found the history of mental illness in my own family; including two suicides and another reprehensible double murder. I never knew these individuals, but I know exactly how they felt. My relatives Sonny and Sharon took their own lives in years past. They could not reattain the balance they needed to continue moving forward through trying times. This is why I talk about it so freely. It is my belief that the stigma attached to mental illness and unwillingness for people to face it are one of several underlying causes for this statistic.
I don’t know that side of the family well yet. I don’t know how those closest to the two of them felt then, and even now in regards to it. I never knew them, but I can say that I will hold them dear to myself so that their misery is not forgotten. They are the reason I pursue information and a career in this field. So that more people do not have to walk that path alone until they reach the cliff. Everyone deserves to be able to feel. I don’t mean happiness, I mean any emotion at all.
“I once contemplated suicide. But when I held that 9 all I could see was my mama’s eyes.. No one knows the struggle. They only see the trouble, not knowing its hard to carry on when no one loves you.” Tupac Shakur – Unconditional Love
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I’ll spare you my life story because no one on the internet really gives a crap about that. The nuts and bolts of things are simple. I spent seventeen years as an unmedicated, undiagnosed type 2 Bipolar. I also have many autistic qualities that I knew nothing about until my son was diagnosed with it. And that was about 30 years. I’m starting this blog because I just have things I want to get out of my mind. I really do not care if anyone reads it or not, but I will leave it in public domain because I have had others ask me to do something of the sort in the past. If anyone can learn anything from it or how to better help or understand one of their loved ones, so much the better.
If being Bipolar has taught me anything, it’s that no matter how bad things may currently be, it can always be way the fuck worse. I was lucky to have family that gave a shit and people around me that do. Some folks that have been in my position have not had that luxury. And this is why I will never complain about my own issues. On the flip-side of the coin, this has also made it a lot harder for me to even feign the slightest amount of sympathy for other peoples’ pointless bullshit.
Aww, you got passed over for a promotion?
Aww, life so isn’t fair?
Aww, you don’t have enough money?
Watch me shed crocodile tears for you. The petty bullshit people consider “problems” nowadays is by and large, laughable. I will expand upon this and more in coming posts. Those that find this entertaining, by all means follow along. Those that don’t, a lot of people suffered and died for you to express your opinions and me mine.
“I love being from a screwed up family. Nothing bugs me, nothing bothers me. Once you’ve driven a drunk father to mom’s parole hearing, what else is there?!” – Christopher Titus ‘Norman Rockwell is Bleeding’
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