Tag: mania

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Hypomania Slider

On Mental Health Recovery and Restless Demons

Recovery is never a matter of total perfection. It can’t be. There are too many variables that can affect the outcome. In the past six months, I’ve had two very minor escalated cycles; one of which ended less than a week ago. They were so minor, in fact, that I didn’t manifest any of the physical symptoms that I usually have when I escalate. I was sleeping consistently and had no pressured thoughts or speech. What did occur was the warping of emotions and perception that fueled several bad decisions. I couldn’t tell that I was unwell until I hit the wall and crashed into a black depression, signaling the end of an escalated cycle.

During that cycle, demons that I had thought I put to sleep years ago through a lot of self-reflection, study, and therapy came back out to play. As a result, I overran boundaries I set for myself, as well as disrespectfully trampling all over those of a new friend and breaking their trust. That was a bitter pill to swallow given how much time and effort I’ve sunk into creating an atmosphere for trust and respect. Gone in a matter of days. Thank you, Bipolar Disorder.

I was completely blind to the years of effort, knowledge, and experience I had put in to correcting these social issues I struggle with due to High-Functioning Autism. I made every bad decision I could possibly make, decisions that I had learned years ago were completely wrong and worked to correct. I was listening but not actually hearing what this other person was telling me.

Recovery is not always clean and neat. Demons that you defeat can come back to haunt you later. You can’t look at it as a failure, just a part of the overall process. It’s one of the many bumps in the road that you will undoubtedly hit as you try to move forward and be better than you were yesterday. Maybe you will be able to salvage the situation; or maybe you’ll just have to watch yet another thing burn on the funeral pyre that is Bipolar Disorder.

It’s okay to stumble. All you can do is try to mend the situation as best as you can, if possible. And if it’s not possible, sweep up the ashes and keep going because tomorrow can be better. It doesn’t make you stupid, foolish, or mean you’re derailing. Mistakes happen. Shit happens. You just have to take it in stride, own your actions, try to fix them where you can, and keep going forward. You’ll be okay.

I’ve found that a number of people think that recovery means total functionality and normalcy. But, it really doesn’t. A lot of times it boils down to attaining a great deal of control and management over one’s dysfunctions and challenges, but still needing to put out the occasional fire that can pop up. It’s hard to unmake decades of negative beliefs or behaviors. And even if you do? The demon can still be there, lurking in the darkness, just waiting for you to slip up a little bit so it can come back out to play.

Learn from it and work towards not making those same mistakes again.

I’m not one to air out personal grievances or problems with others, but I felt that I would share this circumstance with you, the reader, to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter how much you know, how rigid you are with your medication, how much time you spend in therapy, or how much experience you have; Bipolar Disorder can and will still cause disruption in your life. That’s just the way it goes.

Seems it may be time for a medication adjustment of my own.

And to the person I wronged, I am deeply apologetic for my disrespectful behavior and profoundly sad I destroyed your trust. I was escalated and did not realize it until my brain crashed and burned. The person you saw in that time is not who I am; it was a fragment of who hypomanic me can be. 

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Coping Hypomania

About Doubt and Mood Disorder Management

In my last blog post, I discussed some future plans I had for wanting to push my body of advocacy work to a new level. The type of feedback I received on that post could be neatly fit into two categories; encouragement and “are you manic?” On the first point, I appreciate the kind words and encouragement that many people gave me.

On the second point, I’m a Type 2 Bipolar. I don’t experience mania, I experience hypomania. I realize that most people use the two interchangeably, but they are different things. Mania requires psychosis. Hypomania does not. Technically, I’m not manic. Also technically, I’m not hypomanic either.

How do I know that? Doubt and self-doubt.

Understanding the way unwellness manifests gives us a great tool for identifying when Bipolar Disorder or Depression is trying to drive our thought processes. In my case, hypomania brings with it arrogance, impatience, and anger. The thought that I could be making a bad decision never crosses my mind because Bipolar Disorder just shoves my brain ahead at 1000 miles an hour without any consideration for consequences.

The ideas and thoughts I shared on pushing towards forming a venture of my own are not an overnight creation. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the past two years, off and on. The list of doubts and cons is about the same length as the list of ideas and pros.

That is a good thing, because it heavily infers that I’m not now or have been escalated. A major decision like that is an almost guaranteed unwell cycle trigger. That doesn’t mean that I will or have triggered, it’s just that the potential is there. Anything that can bring major stress or incite passionate emotion should be counted as a potential trigger. That means increasing the amount of self-assessment that I would normally do to ensure that I pick up on any shift towards unwellness before it becomes a major problem.

Awareness gives me the power to unwind the unwell cycle before it really gets going. My methods of management are derived from personal reflection and strategy learned through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

These points are something that anyone can learn to be aware of. It may sound exhausting to need to think about mental state on a daily basis, but it really is the best way to keep a firm grasp on potential unwellness. Though it is kind of annoying at the start, regular practice and effort turned it into a thing that I just do without actively thinking about it.

That leads me to one of the more common misconceptions about Bipolar Disorder. Just because we’re not unwell at the moment does not mean that Bipolar Disorder is not lurking, waiting. An unwell cycle can trigger from anything and come out of nowhere.

The only way to head those unwell cycles off is to treat Bipolar Disorder like it is a companion that is always walking beside us: not behind us, not sitting at home on the couch, not as that thing in our past. Even when we’re medicated we need to keep a close eye on it to make sure it does not run ahead and away.

Even though my doubts have been strong, I view them as a good thing. Doubt means I’m sane and balanced. Doubt means I’m thinking critically of my choices. Doubt means I’m still in control of the Disorder, it is not in control of me.

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General Hypomania

How Can My Bipolar Loved One Be So Awful To Me…

Credit to www.freedigitalphotos.net and artist holohololand

…and appear relatively functional and civil to others?

Alright, let’s get a couple of points out of the way before I dive into this. This post will include a lot of theorycraft and rationalization based on the way I understand the Disorder and my social dysfunction as a High-Functioning Autistic. As an HFA, I’ve spent a lot of time observing people in social situations to learn how to function “correctly”. Read “correctly” as- in a way that won’t be upsetting or alienating in social circumstances. This post will also assume the person is generally a decent person, but becomes awful when they get unwell. Then there are plenty of people who are abusive jerks who also happen to be mentally ill. That’s a whole different ballgame really.

So let’s start with a fictitious, example scenario…

Jenny is an undiagnosed Bipolar with a mildly chaotic history, one that she has taken pains to keep secret out of shame and fear of being stigmatized. Jenny was lucky enough to complete college and secured a management position with a corporation. She’s married to James and they have two children together. The unwell swings Jenny experiences during her life have largely been manageable, but what she doesn’t realize is that the Disorder gets worse with age when left untreated.

What started off as mostly manageable unwellness has steadily degenerated to the point where the kids are afraid of Jenny and James has no idea who this woman is that he married. When she’s well? She’s loving, happy, and wonderful. When she’s unwell? Everyone is on pins and needles to avoid setting her off. As she escalates she becomes verbally abusive, raging, and intimidating.

Jenny is slowly coming apart and the people that catch the worst of it are her friends and family members. At work and socially, she seems to maintain fairly well. She still makes snide comments or picks at people in an aggressive way, but one would not really peg it as symptoms of “unwellness” unless they understood the entirety of Jenny’s life and history.

A Matter of Familiarity

Why do Jenny’s loved ones, friends, and family get the worst of her? The simple answer is familiarity. People do not act the same way in front of strangers or in the workplace as they do with those they know. Each of us has masks we wear when we are talking to certain groups of people.

When she’s at work, Jenny knows she has a professional demeanor to try and maintain. She may be coming across as short, moody, irritable, and impatient. I feel like this has a lot to do with maintaining that work veneer. Let’s face it; most of us would get tossed out on our ass if we acted out what was in our heads while in the work place. Jenny is actively working to maintain the facade, not realizing how much more difficult it actually is because it just seems like a normal part of her day. Her coworkers and general friends are more likely to shrug and go about their day, thinking she’s just moody.

But when she gets home? She’s coming back to her place of security and unwinding. A place where she is not expected to keep up masks. So the Disorder pours out. Being undiagnosed and dealing with the Disorder for so long, she may not be able to recognize that her responses and reactions are irrational. An undiagnosed or uninformed Bipolar doesn’t have the knowledge base to actually identify which of their actions may indicate unwellness and which are them just being angry or short.

It takes a lot of work and energy to actively manage instability. Jenny may be seething at work, wanting to tear off her coworker’s head for some slight- real or imagined. But she doesn’t, because she’s not so far gone that she is still able to realize that she can’t just do that in the work place. And then of course comes the problems with being too far along. Maybe she verbally lays into him and winds up fired or written up for it because the unwellness slipped past her mask.

At home is an entirely different story. There are still things that we keep under wraps even with friends and family members; but after spending all day trying to maintain that facade at work, it comes off because it is so much energy and work. So if Jenny, Jr. spills some milk; the rational response of “Clean up after yourself” instead pours out of her mouth with hate. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You can’t do anything right. If you can’t fucking pour milk right then you don’t deserve it.” And throws the open milk against the wall.

Does escalation make this behavior acceptable? No. But if the person is undiagnosed, how are they supposed to realize how awful they are acting? Or that there is even an option to act differently? A person who lives with this as their “normal” doesn’t necessarily have the context to understand just how awful they are acting until they balance off enough to see clearly.

A Question Of Perception

I have touched on perception a bit previously. Perception is at the heart of Bipolar Disorder and managing it. We nutbags have to understand how the Disorder warps and distorts the way we perceive life. To function through unwell cycles while you are around friends and family members, the Bipolar needs to try and keep some of their masks up so they are actively thinking about what they are saying and doing while unstable.

As someone who has been diagnosed for about six years, gone through cognitive behavioral therapy, and regularly monitors my mental state- I would look at the above situation very differently. My brain may be screaming at me to tell the little fuck to get the hell out of my way- but all that’s coming out of my mouth is “Clean up your mess.” with me walking away. Why do I know I’m hypomanic? Because I identified it days ago through my physical symptoms of not being able to sleep with no tiredness, arrogance, and irrational irritation. So I know that I need to have my mask on and my defenses up so I don’t tear down the people around me.

Someone that is not diagnosed does not have that benefit. Even if they are, they may still not get it exactly right. It’s a tough mask to try and keep on constantly because it does require a ton of mental and emotional energy. Wearing a version of the mask we wear in public, dealing with coworkers or strangers, can help prevent serious damage to personal relationships.

Understanding that we need to don that mask to minimize the damage to our loved ones comes from education and introspection. If you are mentally ill; continue to build your knowledge base about your mental illness. If you are a loved one; encourage your loved one to research and continue to build their knowledge so they can develop this understanding.

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