On Medications..

I went away for the weekend to get some time away from the house which I direly needed. Leaving this morning reminded me of a deep-seated fear that I had not had in awhile. I took enough medication for yesterday with me, but since I was near the end of my medication divider box, I didn’t refill it because it wasn’t Sunday yet. So when I finally had some thoughts to myself, all I could think about was getting home and making sure I got my dosages in my body before it got to be too late. So, why is this important?

Well, what some individuals that take psychiatric medications can’t seem to grasp is that when you start feeling better, it means the medication is working. So they do what many do with prescriptions, and stop taking it when they start feeling better. These people are ignorant and idiots. On both accounts. First of all, a prescription regiment is to be -completed-, because if it’s not then whatever you are getting treated for could re-emerge and be much worse. Second of all, when you are a Bipolar and start feeling better from taking your medication that means its working. The medication narrows your swings and keeps them from getting too far out of control. Not taking that medication in a controlled fashion can cause you to become very erratic to the point of threatening your safety or those around you.

Allow me to be blunt. You are -fucking stupid-, inconsiderate, and ignorant if you are on a good medication regiment and “decide” you don’t need it anymore. You don’t stop taking it once you feel well otherwise you’ll just start cycling again, except harder as the medication works out of your system. If you’ve exhausted non-medicatory means in trying to keep your swings into a reasonable cycle, going medication can help tremendously. I know some people have a difficult time with the prospect or don’t want to become a mindless zombie or have it change them. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Medication is supposed to run congruent with a livable lifestyle. If your mind completely craps out while on a medication and it doesn’t lift after a couple of weeks, talk to your doctor and try something else. It is really that simple.

I’m not at all shy about saying I’m Bipolar. And because of that I’ve heard of many stories of friends and families of people that were Bipolar and stopped taking medication, or stayed on the wrong medication and self-destructed. Those stories don’t have to end in suicide or imprisonment if the sufferers would find more enlightenment about it. It’s not just the sick person it affects but those close to them. If you are that person, you have no right to endanger yourself and those around you by treating a medication regiment like vitamin pills and being ignorant to the repercussions.

Finding the right medication cocktail is a trying and frustrating process. Believe me, I know. Mine wasn’t as long as some folks but three years was long enough to show me how much it sucks. But now, for the first time in years I wake up and don’t think of killing myself first off. I can listen to some of the songs and watch some of the movies that would’ve kicked me straight into a suicidal depression. I can deal with stresses and thoughts that have ramped me into mania and caused me to do harm to myself and to others. And I will tell you, it took a damned long time of trying different things and slight increases and monitoring how I felt 24/7 to find it.

“Oh but it’s expensive!” 50ish bucks for a doctor’s appointment, 8 bucks a month for the prescriptions in generic form. If you’re reading this right now, you can cancel your internet and you’re already well on your way. Nothing in the world is like feeling well. It’s there, you just have keep journeying towards it.

I wake up in the morning and I have hope for my future where I had none before. I know I can make up for the things that I’ve dragged my friends and family through with me though they may not have understood what in the hell I was thinking. But I assure you, it made perfect sense while I was warped. I owe that to my friends, family, and my medication regiment. And anyone else can do it too if they need it. The services are there. You just have to look for them.

Bipolar Disorder never goes away. It never stops. You have to learn to live with it and deal with it. Learn to manage it and identify when it is threatening to rear it’s head. What, do you think it’s exhausting having to take a couple pills every day? What about spending 20 hours a day constantly trying to figure out how you feel to make sure you’re not ramping manic thoughts and steal your significant other’s credit card, go to Vegas, bang six hookers, bankrupt yourself, and lose everything you care about because your brain was lying to you? Isn’t that a little inconvenient too?

It’s the lesser of two evils. I would rather be dead than go back to feeling how I used to feel even five years ago. Numb, null, and void every fucking day. Unable to care about anything and having to constantly fake my way through it so people wouldn’t ask questions. Not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. Not wanting to get my picture taken because when I smiled in them, it always felt like I was lying to whoever was viewing it. Most of my life hasn’t been a joyous affair. I never wanted someone to look at my picture and say “oh he looks happy” because that’s just shitting all over the 17 years I spent wading through this quagmire in my brain. But now when I smile, I have a damned good reason to. More importantly, it’s genuine.

When I smile it’s because happiness is breaking through. When I smile I don’t feel like I’m lying to the world. Part of the reason I did go through it for so long was because I did hide. Because I refused to let it show. I buried it deep and far away and only dealt with it weeping in my bedroom or in the shower where I couldn’t be heard. I don’t believe in being false to people because of it. And to me, that’s what it was. Being false.

Now I have no reason to feel like shit about it. I have the people that cared about me that helped me get here, and medication to thank for it. I’ll deal with the couple of side affects from it for the clarity of mind I have now.

It is a gorgeous morning to wake up to.

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know that right now you can’t tell
but wait awhile and maybe then you’ll see
a different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
but soon enough you’re going to think of me
and how I used to be.. me. “

– Matchbox 20 “Unwell”

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