Author: grimscorpio575

So, after; fuck I don’t know how many years, finally looking down the barrel at a hearing before an Administrative Law Judge about my disability claim. I detest this system but I do understand why a lot of things are the way they are.

I spent the better part of 15 years unmedicated and undiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. During that period of time, none of the times that I should have been hospitalized or arrested ended up in that way. As such, when I went to finally apply for Disability, I really had no record of the bullshit that my brain had caused me to do and put me through. Going into this hearing, that’s largely what I’m still looking at.

I deal with it better now than I used to. But I still have the difficulties associated with the Disorder when trying to interact and hold down a job. Scaring people because I can’t always control what comes out of my mouth, not being able to do basic math or drive because my brain has slowed to a crawl, not being able to unwind and stay out of a hypomania from having to play act as someone else the entire time I’m at work. Trying to act normal, trying to act social, trying to act unbroken so I can do the things everyone else does to maintain employment. That gets exhausting.

Ah well. This will be the last step for me in this claim. The ones after are clinically stupid. Ask a council to decide whether or not the judge made an error then send the case back to the same judge to double-check it. Which makes no sense at all.

The only thing I’ll really be able to do after that point is keep trying to get well, and restart the cycle of regular employment. Attempt to navigate it, and continue to build an established record of being nuts. Happy fucking day.

Oh well. It can always be worse.

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I despise Political Correctness for numerous reasons. The primary one is the pretentious hypocrisy that it pushes on we as a people. Saving peoples’ feelings and buffering up their insecurities became more important than the truth. In that, everyone is a special delicate snowflake. White people should feel guilty for being genocidal assholes that gave us a country. Black people were victims of the slave trade conveniently overlooking they were sold and traded into slavery by their own kin. Women are oppressed and treated unfairly by men while conveniently overlooking that men do the exact same shit to each other. Keepers of the mentally handicapped do not like the word retard because it is insulting.

Good, peachy, perfect, keen. We are well on our way to being a society of people that is sensitive to one another; or whatever it is they think they’re going for.

So why is it that all these special interest groups don’t speak out for a much larger group? A group of people that touches every single one of those demographics. The demographic of the insane. We’re black, we’re white, we’re brown, we’re men, we’re women; we are everything. Yet, we’re the ones that are marginalized and are today’s second class citizens. The class of citizens that no one wants to look at because it might be a little unpleasant or difficult.

Perhaps, I’m being melodramatic. Perhaps I’m just over-reacting to a world that I don’t belong in to begin with. So let us have a look at a few truths regarding the way the mentally ill and society interact today.

*Lobbying groups have conveniently pushed to have mental illness included as an insurance pre-existing condition. The Bipolar die upwards of 25 years earlier than the normal. Why? Because we are usually too escalated or depressed to care about our health. However if we want insurance, we get to either pay far out the ass into the realm of the unaffordable or be disqualified on application.

*Life insurance to provide for our loved ones and children once we’re gone? See the above.

*Medical emergency requiring an organ transplant? We’re sorry, but we do not approve people that have been suicidal or self-destructive to receive donor organs because the organs are so rare and valuable. But your organs will be fine to put in others, just not your brain I guess.

*Our assistance systems that are currently in place from the government are accessible when you are homeless or incarcerated. Very little federal funding to help you get what you need to prevent yourself from hitting that point. The stupid part is, many of those people would be contributing members of society if they got the help they needed.

*A laughable disability system that takes, at minimum, six months to a year to get through.

*Little to no oversight of the people that are supposed to be ‘helping’. Virtually every person I know with a mental illness has a story to tell about how their medical professional made them worse because they would not listen.

*Mental problems are still hushed up as something to be ashamed of. Those lost to suicide are promptly swept under the ground and held there lest there might be some feelings of responsibility for missing months or years of suicidal indicators.

*Asylums that ran as long as the 70’s and 80’s that were ridiculously understaffed and featured patients chained to furniture, their beds, or otherwise abused. One nurse to care for fifty people sounds like a fairly sound strategy that you would use in any hospital.

We’re all around you. We the crazies, we the insane, we the demented. Yet our plight and struggle for the ability to wake up without feeling like sucking off a shotgun are marginalized. Why? Because it’s unpleasant to have to deal with and come out of a comfortable niche. We’re the bitches of the medical industry and the mechanics of society.

So what do I hope to accomplish by talking about it? Nothing. I have no hope for major changes in those systems because not nearly enough people give a shit. Honestly? That’s perfectly fine. I’m cool with it. I know life is not fair and it is idiotic to expect it to be.

You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t give a fuck about the abortion debate. I’m sorry I just don’t have the time or inclination to give a shit that homosexuals can’t get married. I have a bit too much on my mind to suffer from white male guilt for my ancestors being genocidal, misogynistic assholes. Do me a favor and ask your God why he would be so heartless to condemn the people that lose their war to depression to Hell after they kill themselves? Haven’t suffered enough yet?

But of course; I’m the asshole when I see something I perceive to be truth and speak about it. I’m not being sensitive. I’m not being considerate. I’m not taking other peoples’ feelings into account. I should be careful what I say so I don’t upset others.

Society’s rules are for people that society wants. The mentally ill do not fall into that category, much the same as the Forgotten class that exists below poverty in the worst neighborhoods of the United States. You know, the same people that are painted to be leeches on the system with their glorious lifestyle of living off of welfare and stealing to survive.

Fuck your feelings.

“I’m not that kind of white.
I wasn’t born with enough money or privilege to be white.
I’m your discarded, thrown away piece of white trash.
And society had better start learning to tell the difference.”

-Blood for Blood “White Trash Anthem”

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Apologies for the prolonged absence. Brain decided not to cooperate.

Advocacy and education are two very important parts of living with or with someone with a mental illness. Mental illness follows its own set of rules that are not like what one may be up against with a physical disability. Thus it is important to develop a deep understanding of treatment methods, medications, and what they are supposed to be doing and not doing to an individual. This also falls under the advocacy line of thinking.

The average Bipolar individual takes 9 years to get the correct diagnosis. Why? Depression is one half of the disorder and is commonly the reason people seek help. The manic component is often looked at as a positive even if it is destructive. When someone is depressed, any other time than when they feel depressed is a welcome and beautiful reprieve. The manic component may also cause that person’s mind to function sharper, with more clarity, more aggression. It does have its merits but the risk of disconnecting and getting out of control is too great.

A great example is the recent troubles of Charlie Sheen. He was clearly in a manic cycle of Bipolar Disorder and he lost touch with reality. His life was “going great” even though he had lost his role and custody recently. Everyone else was the problem. He was interpreting his reality to be going great with him being oppressed while the world just sort of looked on and waited for the inevitable. On a side note, I hope the man gets the help he needs before he ends up killing himself or in jail.

Advocating for another person’s wellness may mean nudging them towards their goal. If depression sets in they are almost certain to stop right there on the track. I can’t count the number of times I’ve used “I’ll do it tomorrow” as an excuse to put things off for weeks that I should have accomplished promptly. Why? Because I just did not give a shit about it or the consequences. Normal people have a difficult time understanding this mindset. “How can you not care about the consequences?”

When you live with a mental illness where you may be suicidal and dead in 10 minutes from flipping on the TV and seeing a commercial that is a depressive trigger; everything else starts to pale in comparison. There was a long period of time where my only criteria for having a good day was not thinking about suicide more than 3 times. Because of that, it was easy for me to get lost on things I had to get accomplished to live a “normal” life. Other people suffering from depression or depressive components of another mental illness likely feel the same.

It’s not always best to push. In most cases, just a gentle nudge of “You really need to get this done today” or “Just get this done and out of the way” will push them past that hurdle in their mind. They are trying to draw an excuse in their mind to not do it. However if the person resists heavily, just let it go. It’s not worth a fighting/screaming match that will only make what they’re feeling worse. Again, this is subject to your own comfort zones. Issues like paying bills, the rent, or other such mandatory activities need to be either pushed for or handled yourself.

A final point to consider is the use of medication. Medication should accomplish a couple things. It should make the disorder manageable with side effects that are manageable. Both. Not one or the other. Both. If it is not doing both, then one should keep pressing to find the right combination. Hopelessness is a big factor during this period. Trying medication after medication and having none of them work or work badly is frustrating and draining. The person being treated must take an active role in discussions with their doctor about their medication. Do not let them answer “I’ve been fine” if they haven’t slept in six days or are sleeping 18 hours a day. People do it all the time. Encourage them to not settle until they have things in a manageable state for them.

“Mercy is for the weak, when I speak I scream
Afraid to sleep, I’m havin’ of crazy dreams
Vivid pictures of my enemies and family times
God forgive me cause it’s wrong but I plan to die
Either take me in Heaven and understand I was a G
Did the best I could, raised in insanity
Or send me to hell cause I ain’t beggin’ for my life
Ain’t nothing worse than this cursed ass hopeless life
I’m troublesome.”
– Tupac Shakur – Troublesome ’96

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This post will be the first in a series I wanted to work on about assisting and living with a loved one with mental illness.

As difficult as it can be to live with a mental illness, it can be just as difficult for the people around that person. It does not discriminate based on sex, race, religion, or creed. Could be your father, daughter, nephew, wife, or grandfather. Some of the biggest challenges are being able to understand, accept, and forgive.

Understand. Can you understand your loved one’s mentality? Probably not. You may be able to identify with them and their challenges but that will be the extent of it. Ladies, can you describe what it’s like to be kicked in the testicles? Men, can you describe what it’s like to give birth? No. It’s impossible to understand because there is no real context to reach that understanding.

Now, is this necessarily a bad thing? No. I’m pointing it out because I’ve seen it mentioned in various self-help and help books to “Try and understand what you’re loved one is going through.” It is a waste of time. Time that could be better spent on useful actions.

Accept. Accept is a multi-faceted word. You and your loved one are going to need to accept some harsh realities. Past the normal difficulties of whatever relationship the two of you may have; there will be additional shit that will pile up on your shoulders. Therefore, one really needs to examine their relationship with that person. Are you going to be able to accept that there is going to be additional shit and turmoil? Do you love that person enough to want to deal with that for the rest the time you interact? Or is it someone you only tangentially give a shit about? Are you going to be able to handle it when it does come?

Acceptance will come easier with a firmer understanding of what to expect out of your loved one. Unfortunately, its not always that simple with mental illness. Psychiatrists and hospitals bind us nutcases together with descriptions of meeting certain criteria according to the DSM-IV. Those that are unfamiliar with the DSM in general take these descriptions to be literal definitions. They are not. They are guidelines so a doctor in state A can help that patient with a medical chart from state B. The patient meets a variety of those criteria and they impact their life enough to have a negative effect. That is a key point. Feeling blue for a day and still maintaining functionality is not depression. A person might be off their game for that day, but that is normal. Feeling that way for six months on the other hand, is not and has a clear negative impact on the person’s quality of life.

Therefore, there is two important disciplines of knowledge to nurture. The first is understanding what the medical profession says a mental illness is. The second is how it actually applies to your loved one and their mannerisms. The first is easy enough to do, you can simply Google a mental illness with DSM-IV to find a definition.

That description should serve as a window to start looking through. It will help you narrow your focus to see what exactly is going on. There is a line to walk in that regard. Just because a person has a personality quirk or experiences bits and pieces of these things periodically does not necessarily indicate it as part of their mental illness. These things will be qualities that will have a serious negative impact on their life. What you want to identify are the points that have the deepest impact. By understanding those, you can get a better idea of what to expect out of the person in mannerisms and behavior.

Forgiveness. The final point is forgiveness. One highly important lesson that being Bipolar has taught me is the importance of being able to forgive the shortcomings of myself and others. When it comes to helping a mentally ill loved one, this is even more important. They are going to do things that make no sense to you. Their illness will have a negative impact on your life from time to time. Are you going to be able to look at them, realize they cannot always help it, and let it go? Or are you going to keep letting it build up, wondering why they aren’t the way you want them to be? Can you accept them as they are and forgive them when they do things that you feel are foolish or pointless?

More importantly, are you sure you are meeting your own comfort level as well? I am not suggesting for anyone to be a doormat. There are lines that cannot be crossed. Mental and physical abuse is never acceptable and should not be tolerated. That boils down to how the two of you are communicating though. Can hostility be defused with some preemptive understanding? Can an argument be shutdown by simply saying, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation or how it is going. Can we please discuss it later?” (Pro-Tip: Avoid the word You/Your/You’re or being accusative. It automatically invokes a defensive reaction in the human mind. Stay neutral or even put it on the feelings you are currently having.)

No, the things I’m discussing are much more minor and happen far more often. Cops knock on the door because your husband is wandering outside at 3 A.M. in his underwear looking for something he could swear he saw? Daughter bursts into tears over accidentally knocking a glass of water over at a restaurant because it reinforced the worthlessness and inability to do anything right that the depression has gave her? Grandma cannot be comfortable because the dish towels were not folded and pressed correctly and she simply has to correct it?

These are the every day occurrences that will affect both of your lives. As a neurotypical, you will need to be able to forgive these things and accept them. Chances are good they may do them for a good long time depending on how well/if medicating goes. The other point worth mentioning is the one of honesty and dishonesty. It is very easy to simply snap off and say that any lie passed was a dishonesty. Was it? What if your loved one has a disorder that warps their perception? If they are interpreting reality different than you are, they do not believe they are lying.

Well, how can you tell? Again, another lesson taught to me by being Bipolar and having a disorder that twists my reality; what was the motive behind the decision? Did they purposefully set out to hurt you or cause a major problem? Why did they do what they did? Sometimes the best answer you will get is “I don’t know”. I used that answer for a long time and it pissed off a whole lot of people. It was the truth though. I don’t know why I did some of the things I did, my brain just told me to do them so I did them. When it really comes down to those circumstances, dig to find out the answer to “why”. If it’s not something major and you can’t determine why, just let it go. There will be plenty that you simply cannot figure out. You’ll be able to save yourself a lot of time and heartache once you’re able to separate the two.

For normals: Really sit down and determine what is and is not acceptable for you. Some general hard lines are typically abusiveness (emotional or physical), asset wasting or manipulation, or infidelity. Figure out what you are incapable of forgiving so you have a clear line drawn. It will be something to point to when your loved one is unwell and hopefully give them an anchor back to reality to realize what is going on in their mind. Those that lose touch with reality oftentimes use contracts of sorts. They draw up a paper saying that their loved one will inform them if they are being exceptionally off, dangerous, or losing touch. Both sign it, and the normal keeps it to show as a tangible reminder to that person when they need to invoke it. That gives the mentally ill individual a reason to pause and go; “Okay. I agreed to this. They are invoking it.” Which can give them what is needed to realize they are acting out of sorts.

For the mentally ill: I am often confused when I talk to someone who was diagnosed and treated for a mental illness and they do not know exactly what it is or how it affects them. If you have not, look at the criteria that brought you to your diagnosis. Figure out how it applies to you in a way that negatively impacts your living. These are not conclusions you should have to reach and stretch to make. They will fit, sometimes not neatly but they will fit. If you are not seeing where and how they fit, consult with your doctor so you can see it through their eyes. Remember, just because it’s normal for you does not mean its normal for the rest of the world. If you understand how your mental illness is affecting your mind and your behavior, you are in a better position to listen to the people around you that you trust to keep you from destructive actions. If you lack that understanding, how can you ever expect to manage it? Realize that hey it is hard on you, but it is difficult on your loved ones as well. They do not know what is going on in your mind. And many times they will feel powerless to help someone they love and care for.

To be continued…

What y’all want?
Unconditional Love
Talking bout the stuff that don’t wear off
It don’t fade
It’ll last for all these crazy days
These crazy nights
Whether you wrong or you right
I’m a still love you
Still feel you
Still be there for you
No matter what (hehe)
You will always be in my heart
With unconditional love

– Tupac Shakur “Unconditional Love”

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This post is dedicated to an old associate going through some difficult times… I don’t know if we were ever technically “friends”; but I had a lot of respect for you then and I have even more for you now…

* * * * *

Ah, the Joy of the Nether-worldly descent that is the trip to rock bottom. For normals, rock bottom sucks but is usually a bit more easily recoverable. What happens when you’re living with mental challenges that make that trip down all the worse? There you lay after hitting rock bottom, and Fate chucks a shovel down into the pit that bounces off your crotch after hurtling at Mach 8 to the bottom accompanied with the call of, “Keep digging asshole, you still got more to go!”

I feel glad for the people that can hit a rough patch or a major life change, make some plans, mourn a bit, and then keep plowing forward. The sad reality is, most people with that capability choose not to do it. Ultimately, it is disappointing and disgusting. And many people, even in bad positions; don’t realize how well they actually do have things. They have no perspective to their situation and ability to exert control and change it.

But what of those living with mental illness? It is damned near impossible to get anything accomplished when you do not care whether or not you make it through the next hour. Striving for anything seems pointless because you just know that it’s all going to come unraveled when your brain gets out of sorts again. But eventually, the clouds would break and sunlight would stream through a bit. You would not get happy but at least be able to realize you had to do something, anything. And then that voice, whispering; why bother? You know what’s going to happen.

You’re going to crash into morbid depression and be unable to communicate what‘s in your mind.

You’re going to go to work and frighten your coworkers by talking morbidly.

You’re going to come home, not talk to the person you care for most in the world.

You’re going to go to bed and either stare at the ceiling and sleep two hours or sleep sixteen hours instead.

And then you know, you’re just going to wake up the next day and do it all again.

I know these things because I’ve done them, several times. And far more much worse to myself. The question is, how do you get through it to get to the other side?

That is one thing I will say that is a positive about living with a mental illness. It really enhanced my ability to separate the crap that does not matter from the crap that does. It all boils down to one very important, singular point. If I’m not dead, I can still fix it. Then I switched my focus to that which was important to ensure I could keep walking forward. If you look at almost any interview with a successful individual, they will credit tenacity with being one of the primary factors of their success. They failed, but they picked up the pieces and kept moving forward. Learned from the experience and moved forward. That’s what I do when my mind slips into suicidal thinking, when I’m considering how much of a burden I’ve been to the people I care about, the loves I’ve destroyed and failed at, the jobs I’ve lost, the opportunities I’ve cost myself, and when my bank account is down to $3.26 combined in checking and savings.

I focus on what’s important. I’m not dead. I can fix all those things. I may fuck them up again but I can keep trying.

I sometimes get from people that I somehow think my situation and experience are unique. I talk about it openly where many people do not because of the challenges they are facing. Or whatever reason they may have. Too painful or confusing to deal with in an open way? Regardless. It is not because I think my situation or circumstances are special; it’s because someone has to talk about these things. I am utterly tired of hearing how people are shocked when someone close to them kills themselves. It is incessantly pointless and unnecessary for those circumstances to be.

Mental illness has been a part of humanity since the brain was capable of thought. I know that because the brain is a very complex machine, and periodically wiring in a machine is going to get fucked up. You can’t create something that complex multiple times and not expect there to be some problems. But still, thousands of years later; people are still wringing their hands over the same dumbass questions.

I can’t feel sorry for, or pity for, the others living with these problems in their minds. There is always hope so long as you are still alive. When you’re dead, I still won’t pity you. Your war is over. I will empathize, attempt to be sympathetic; but pity is not something I’m capable of feeling anymore. Nor would I want to if I could. Life is Hell and people suffer every day for no reason. Doesn’t make any sense to pity the person before you when someone on the other side of the world is going through the same thing.

You are right when you said I’m not the only person with problems. I did not mean to infer that I was. I don’t know your life story or the Hell that you have lived through in your mind. I don’t know the circumstances that caused it to emerge. I don’t know all things, hopes, dreams, and goals that you lost because of it. Nor could I pretend to necessarily understand even if you did tell me. I’m not you.

What I do have is an understanding of the world we’re living in. A world where people like you and I are the oddities to be looked at strangely, whispered about, or avoided. A world where normal people wring their hands trying to understand our thought processes when they make absolutely no sense to us. The same world that celebrates great artists, writers, and leaders who were all mentally ill; but do not record that as it is “disrespectful”. As if somehow managing to live with and manage their mental illness is a character flaw that should be hidden. In actuality, its something that should be celebrated and discussed. So other people walking those paths can draw some inspiration from the information and have a reason to hope for something better.

I came to the conclusion awhile ago that life really has no point unless you give it one. I do not believe there to be some giant overarching theme or goal. There is too much pointless suffering and too many erratic parts in the machine. The point I decided to give the rest of my existence was to try and help make a few peoples’ lives better. People like me, people like you.

And yes I may fail miserably.
Just the same as many before me have.
Never will I let it be said that I did not try.

Those are the simple reasons why I have tried to strike up several conversations or give you an opportunity to vent. I know there are plenty of false and pointless people in the world. People that are not trustable or are shallow, pretentious fucks with no concept of what having real problems is like. The simple fact of the matter is; if I did not give a shit I would not ask. I don’t even bother to try to pretend to follow pointless societal niceties. It got me nowhere the entirety of my life.

Waste of fucking time. I would rather use that time to do something useful, to be a sounding board or help someone out that genuinely needed it.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

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I’ve been contemplating writing a post about how being Bipolar has affected my faith. Several people have inquired about what I believe and why, most of the time I decline to answer the question. The reason is that I generally forget many of the backing thoughts behind the beliefs (due to shitty verbal communication). Also; Atheists, shut up already. Your argument that religion causes only death and strife is a bit weak against the hundreds of millions that Atheist dictators slew in the 20th century to enforce the “no religious state” policy they had. Don’t get up your own asses. Structuring your belief around the God Delusion by Dawkins is the same thing as structuring around the Bible.

I have a problem with the foundations of religion in general that boils down to being Bipolar. Most religions are founded on teachings and interpretations of sacred texts; the Bible, Quran, Tanakh. Now, even if one believes that these texts are the word of God handed down; God is not the one interpreting them. Religious leaders are. People, like you and I. There are plenty of kind-hearted people involved in religious institution that genuinely do want to do the right thing. My own diagnosis and initial treatment came from Catholic Charities.

What about the people that are broken? The people like me who have drastically skewed perceptions of what the world is and is not? It seems a little foolish to rely on people just as fallible as you or I to be the guide to a personal relationship with a creator. Especially when those leaders are filled with people just as, if not more broken, than you or I. Now, for those of you that have been following along; it is to easy to see my brain is a bit fucked. So what would happen if you had people like me interpreting holy writing? Or in some cases, pulling it out of their ass?

Scientology created by L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard was mentally unstable, his closing days of life being much like Howard Hughes’ where he was saving his urine in jars, was entirely unkempt, and afraid of outside. Some argue that he created Scientology as a sole means to generate money. Why? Because the government does not persecute religious belief thanks to the 1st Amendment. Therefore, he could largely do what he wanted and invoke his rights under the 1st Amendment to shield himself. Which he did, often. This belief is also attributed to a quote he alleged made about creating a religion to make money. Hubbard used his own writing talents to create a religion where the only way to advance was through an ambiguous E-Meter test and paying far out the ass in cash; something that no other religion requires. Scientology has alienated its members from their families, infiltrated the government in multiple offices to ferret out perceived enemies (Operation: Snow White) and destroy them, and L. Ron did not give a rat’s ass about his son’s suicide except on how it would affect his cult.

But, Scientology is pretty fringe right? It is not like we see major endorsements of it plastered all over the place or anything. Unless you count all the celebrities who are Scientologists or find it “fascinating”.

Now, several people like to trash the Catholic church for their myriad of failures to their congregation and other shenanigans. I’m going to skip by the typical rhetoric except for laying some foundation. The church denies that it shuffled around pedo-priests to protect them and the image of the church. The outpouring of victims and evidence to the contrary seems to support otherwise. Some argue that the Pope and the upper echelon should not be held responsible because they did not know what their underlings were doing in a worldwide organization. Logically, that does make sense. But even if you are Catholic and do believe that the Pope is an infallible Divine Representation on Earth; does it not also make sense that God, Jesus, or Saint Peter would pull him aside and say, “Hey, you might want to do something about all the innocent children being raped by our holy men. It could potentially destroy our followers’ and the world’s faith in us and all.” That seems like it would be a fairly imperative topic if the Pope is receiving divine guidance from Saint Peter the Apostle.

Then again, maybe the defenders of the Catholic church are right. Maybe it’s not their fault. Like it’s not their fault they chose to remain neutral about the Holocaust during the war. Or how they abused the fear and faith in them to claim properties and ruin people they felt stood against them by accusing them of witchcraft or Satanism. Moral authority can be a very shaky thing, especially when you are supposed to be an organization that stands for the morally just. And the list goes on and on.

Now, what does that actually say about the Catholic church? That it is full of people like you and I, just as broken and in some cases even moreso. The major difference is, we are not claiming that our beliefs are the only way to be saved lest ye find yourself in a fiery pit of damnation. Am I, or you, to rely on these individuals to help guide us to a favorable end in the afterlife? That seems fairly retarded to me.

Eastern philosophies in general tend to make the most sense to me. Attaining internal tranquility to be at peace with yourself, your existence, and the world at large. To realize that we truly are insignificant in the major scheme of things. Even still, where did those interpretations come from? Was it someone who was stable and had the well-being of others in mind when they determined it? Seems impossible to say.

So; what do I believe? It boils down largely to the difficult time I had with social interaction my entire life. I tried to be like other people, to fit in, and function normally. All that got me was an increased feeling of alienation as I failed miserably at it. Eventually I reached a point where I just stopped caring. I feel the same for the afterlife.

The most important thing I’ve learned in life is that I truly know nothing. That most things that people think they know, simply do not matter. I’m not going to ask forgiveness for the mistakes I’ve made, because what does it really matter? I don’t go out of my way to harm another person emotionally or physically. The only time I really do is when I’m unwell and can’t tell what reality is. That is something I have absolutely no control over. So why would I ask forgiveness from anyone other than the person I’ve wronged? My creator? The one who made me as a broken ass individual?

No, I think religion and karma are a convenience. It brings order and structure to the human experience where generally there is none. It is very clear, evil is punished in the end while good is rewarded. If you do right, you will be rewarded in some way. Karma will bring you positive things. You’ll go to Heaven and have an eternity of happiness. There is some cosmic order to the universe after all.

Unless you look at humanity’s presence on the world. Innocent people are victimized for no other reason than convenience or fun by the depraved. Then the lives of the depraved are defended by idiots who would prefer to continue feeding that individual instead of say; feeding some of the many starving people in this overpopulated world that aren’t murdering or raping people.

But look at Karma and the afterlife of virtually every major religion; do good and be rewarded. Do evil and be punished. Simple, black and white. It provides a sense of structure and order to the universe that is not usually there for most people. It is an easy system to attach to when confronted with the shitstorm that is constantly churning outside of our front doors.

Do I have religion? No. And I never will. What I do have is faith. Faith that if there is a Creator, they would prefer me to use my own mind to determine right from wrong since I have that capacity. To take responsibility for my own actions whether for good or ill. To not be so flakey to do something shitty, beg forgiveness, and then do it again. I feel absolutely no need to ask for forgiveness from anyone or anything unless I feel I have wronged them unjustly. Even then, I still would not if I was not apologetic.

And as I’ve said many times before, the only thing I truly know in life is that I know shit. I’ve thought about it many times as it has been asked to me many times, “What if you die and you end up at Heaven’s Gates to answer for your life?”

I hope I have the temerity and spine to look Peter in the eyes and say, “God made me as I am. I’m a broken person who did the best he could with the hand he was dealt and tried to improve some lives of those I‘ve come in contact with. I don’t seek forgiveness because I don’t regret every mistake I make. God can either take me as the broken, flawed individual I am or he can go fuck himself.”

Lastly, I have a real drastic problem that anyone would suggest that a person be punished for committing an act of suicide in the afterlife. If you have never been suicidal, then you do not understand the isolation, numbness, and misery that goes along with it. There is no joy, no hope, and the connection with what you care about is so weak it has no bearing on your thinking. It is one of the worst, shittiest feelings in the world and is usually the culmination of several years of depressive build up. Any God that would punish someone so harshly for their moment of weakness is not a God of love and mercy.

If you find happiness in religion, more power to you. Personally, I don’t think it’s ever been that simple. But then, what the fuck do I really know?

“They wanna bury me, I’m worried — I’m losin my mind
Look down the barrel of my nine and my vision’s blurry
Fallin to pieces, am I guilty? I pray to the Lord
but he ignores me unfortunate because I’m guilty
Show me a miracle, I’m hopeless — I’m chokin off
marijuana smoke, with every toke it’s like I’m losin focus
Fallin asleep while I’m at service, when will I die?
Forever paranoid and nervous because I’m high”

Only Fear of Death, Tupac Shakur

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Advocating enlightenment for mental health is a difficult path at times. You are basically always swimming upriver. For any number of people who hear you, there’s fifty that don’t or do not believe you. Then there’s cases that bring it back into the spotlight. Jared Lee Loughner’s attack on Rep. Giffords and her supporters is one such instance.

Mainstream media is milking its viewers for every cent they are worth. Conveniently, they are ignoring the important points of this story. Instead, they are giving us all a bunch of garbage to chew contentedly on while they spew their rhetoric.

1. Tea Party Incited Hate! – Really now? When I look at the map that Palin’s website pulled (which is pointless, they might as well have left it up; Google cache and all), I fail to draw the correlation between crosshairs of a firearm and those indicators. Primarily because scopes don’t shade out the area the visible area of the target that you’re shooting at. No, actually it looks like they used a common graphic representation of honing in on a point. And what, you want to tell me Sarah Palin does her own graphic art work on her website? The same Sarah Palin that used Yahoo Mail of all entities for conducting government correspondence?

2. Rock Music Did It! – Really? We’re still doing this after 40 years? The guy liked a song by Drowning Pool that was about moshing and easily misconstrued to be about murder. The only music that has ever made me want to murder people is Kenny Loggins.

3. How Could a Lunatic Get a Gun!? – Another nonpoint. He was able to buy a gun because he had no established reason to not be permitted to buy a gun. Might as well ask why was he permitted to buy Tic-Tacs.

These things are bullshit issues that do not mean -anything- in the major scheme of things. They are simply a way to keep headlines flowing and people tuning in. No, the real story is the failures of society to each victim and Loughner. Many venues reported on the instabilities that others detected in him in the years leading up to it.

One of his college professors was quoted as saying that he did not like turning his back on Loughner in class because he felt very uncomfortable and like he would pull a gun. Many of his class-mates expressed the same thing. And not a single one of those people said a thing. None of the people in the years beforehand that he dealt with, none of the people close to him; no one.

“Oh, this is so unexpected!” My fucking ass. The trail of his descent is fairly well documented. The real issue is, people are too afraid or don’t give a shit until someone’s dead and it’s staring them in the face.

There is one thing that depresses me a lot about this story. And no; it’s not the victims, the 9 year old girl, or Loughner. It’s the reminder that sometime in the near future, we’ll be doing it again. Everytime this shit happens, the same crap goes down in media and society. A bunch of questions get asked that don’t matter. Headlines are generated and ad space sold. Hands are wrung and victims are honored. The extent of the mentality of the perpetrator is eventually revealed. And then its all promptly forgotten until someone else does it again.

It is fucking retarded and could be circumvented through things like education or improved social services. The grading of the country by the National Alliance of Mental Illness in 2009 gave the country an average of D. No states got an A. Nor is there the funding to help people get their lives back and minds under control.

Then there is the hypocrisy of it all. Schools were getting shot up long before Columbine or Virginia Tech occured. The only difference was, it was inner city schools and gang wars over drug territory. Columbine was the real start of the exposure, it happened in 1999. Ever see shit about kids getting hit during the gang and drug wars of the crack-cocaine era of the 80’s and early 90’s? Barely even a mention most of the time if it even got coverage.

So then we come full circle. Should I be shocked? Outraged? Should I wring my hands together wondering how this could happen? Should I shed tears? Should I feel bad for the victims?

I can’t do any of those things. If I did, I would never stop. It’s unending and a constantly repeating cycle. And I know what neurotypicals are thinking. “If it was someone you loved you’d feel different.” All I can say is, I really fucking hope so. I’m a lot more inclined to think I would just feel numb, attribute it to the Hell that we call life, and attempt to move forward. Get too wrapped up in the shit that man does and you’ll never think of anything else.

On a side note, if he’s found guilty I hope they give him a death sentence. No, he won’t get off on “Temporary Insanity”. Any signs of premeditation automatically nullify that option, which people don’t seem to understand. He wrote notes about doing it, waited for the day of the gathering, and drove to it. All prove premeditation. The thing about insanity defenses is that they only work if the individual cannot differentiate fantasy from reality. That is so hard to prove that most lawyers won’t even bother with that kind of defense. Regardless of his mental state, Loughner knew the choice he was making. That means he’ll either get prison or the chair.

In that regard, whether he is sane or insane is irrelevant. He made the choice to take a life. So fuck ‘im.

“Now I feel abandoned
cause Pat Bucanan say I’m greedy
You can take my taxes, send me to war
But can’t feed me
It’s so easy to regret things
After they done
Babies catchin’ murder cases
Scared to laugh in the sun
The tragedy is that we all need
Love in doses
In times like these we feel closest
The good die young”

-Tupac Shakur ‘The Good Die Young’

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