Category: General

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General

On Anger and Future Plans

This is pretty much just going to be an update post on the direction I’ve been contemplating for myself and body of work.

It’s coming up on the four years anniversary since I launched my website and began my advocacy work. Every year, around this time, I contemplate the past year and how I want to advance my missions in the coming year. I used year too many times in that sentence, but screw it I’m leaving it.

The first point is a slight change in the way I deliver my message. The only real critical criticism I’ve ever received on my body of work is my casual swearing. I opted to preserve that tone of speech in the hopes of breaking through to other people like me who are turned off by the sterile nature of a lot of mental health material. I felt that preserving my authentic language of anger and frustration would help others who are of similar mentality to identify and hopefully take action.

I’ve finally decided to change that, except when I’m writing examples of unwellness. I feel it is super important to preserve the tone and feeling of what unwellness cycles can look like, because they can be very brutal.

Simply put, I feel the decision is hurting more than helping. While I, personally, think the idea of bad words is stupid and ridiculous. My opinion isn’t the one that really matters here. Writers and other artists often push the importance of staying true to your own voice of expression. My voice of expression isn’t what’s important to me. What’s important to me is reaching people and ensuring they are receiving quality, actionable information. If that takes a hard approach, that’s what I use. If it takes a soft approach, that’s what I use.

It really doesn’t matter to me either way because my work isn’t really about what I need to express about myself. I don’t NEED to express any of this really. I’m expressing it solely for the benefit of other people. But I’ve come to find that there are several regular or high-functioning people who just see it as a demonstration of undirected anger and instability. I’m not either of those things, but that really doesn’t mean squat if that’s how I’m being perceived.

It would be really stupid for me to hamstring my efforts just because I feel like that particular social standard is idiotic. (So, you were half-right, mom. Half a point to you on this issue.) I mean, it’s not exceptionally hard to make “good” words bite the same way. You just have to know your audience and which buttons to push. But, I feel like I’m never going to push to the next tier of scope unless I do it in a more socially acceptable way.

The next announcement is a change in how I do what I do. I have decided to pursue the angle of establishing a one man limited liability corporation, branding myself as a “Bipolar Coach”, and pushing towards a profitable model that will allow me to turn this passion into my career and discontinue the need for donations. This seems to be the best path for legal, personal, and profit driven reasons.

It’s been challenging trying to find a model that will work for me. I’ve read hundreds of page on Coaching models in the past six months and none of them really fit what I do and want to accomplish. I believe I will be creating some form of priority-based model. I am still clinging very tightly to a promise I made myself when I first started writing my Bipolar Manifesto.

That promise was to ensure that anyone, regardless of economic situation or belief, could have equal access to quality, actionable information to better understand and deal with their mental illness.

This is a contributing reason to why I utilize Amazon for distribution of my ebooks. Amazon allows me to offer them for free, periodically. And it’s the reason I’m heavily considering a priority-driven model.

So, what do I mean by priority? Well, A LOT of people send me emails and leave me blog comments. As anyone that has ever written to me will know, I make it a point to write meaningful answers to each and every one that does. That takes a fair amount of time.

At this point, when I take a day off from it I fall behind. A priority-driven model will simply allow me to slide the people who are willing to pay for my services to the front, rather than just saying “Oh, you can’t pay? Well, bye.” I’ve been regularly told that my service was well worth paying for; so I think this will let me whether or not that is true and still help people of very limited resources.

The other challenge is finding an appropriate price point. I looked at several other life coach-type service providers to see what they did. There is absolutely zero chance that I am going to charge people $50 for an email, $150 for a 30 minute phone consultation, or $400+ dollars for a monthly retainer. My target demographic are not primarily businesses and people with tons of disposable income.

My target demographic are regular people dealing with difficult circumstances; many of whom have very limited resources. I can’t imagine asking for more than a $100 a month retainer for unlimited emails and a Skype conversation.

Frankly, I didn’t even like a majority of the life coaches I looked at. “Unlock your inner potential!” “Attain spiritual peace!” “Heal your mental pains!” With their fake, plastic marketing-friendly smiles. (You can insert some expletives here, from me, if you’d like.) You know, this should really tell you something – doing marketing work has jaded me more than being mentally ill has. What’s up with that?

Anywho…

A further addition that will soon be coming to my website is a t-shirt shop that I intend to populate with funny and inspirational shirts. That will hopefully bring in a few additional dollars on top of services provided and ebook sales.

That provides another unique problem. When you think, “t-shirt from a business” you usually expect it to be branded with that business’s logo and be a marketing vehicle. I can’t do that with my offering because branding “Bipolar” on them could most certainly prevent people from buying them or causing customers uncomfortable conversations that they don’t want to have with relative strangers; or strange relatives, as the case may be.

I will offer a few, I think. And some awareness oriented shirts. But by and large, I can’t see actually branding them in a traditional way being good for my customers and followers.

Anyway. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve actually done a focused fund drive. I believe I will be running a GoFundMe campaign within the next couple of weeks to defray some of the costs associated with the direction I want to take my work. I hope you will consider contributing if it is within your means.

Thank you all for your support and for reading my work. I’m excited for this new direction and hope it will provide me the means, resources, and time to help more people understand, cope with, and overcome mental illness.

I know there are many people out there from a lot of different backgrounds and professions; so if you have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to drop me a comment or message.

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General

Should We Be Concerned with the Label, Bipolar Disorder?

Labels, labels, labels. There is an unending narrative on how bad labels are. We shouldn’t label people, we shouldn’t be judgmental. We should just accept people how they are.

Contrary to that opinion, labels are pretty important, especially when it comes to identifying, treating, and recovering from mental illness.

The most common example I can cite is the misdiagnosis of Bipolar Disorder as Major Depression. The distinction between these labels is vitally important. Why? Because if a doctor treats a Bipolar person as though they had Major Depression, there is a strong chance that person’s brain is going to run screaming into instability and chaos. How can people know which is which? By looking at the label and analyzing the behaviors of the person in question.

Time and again, I hear people scream about how the DSM is awful because it tries to categorize mental illness. “I’m not my mental illness!” “I can’t be defined by a book!” This narrative misses the point. It’s so medical science is on the same page in how they are working towards treatment.

“But these labels are used for people to point the finger and look down on us!” So? If it wasn’t your mental health; it would be your sex, religion, race, economic background, or political background. I don’t know when the last time you cracked a history book was; but humanity has always found reasons to hate and look down on one another. The idea that we can all get along, all be accepted, is ridiculous. There are literally tens of thousands of years of precedence that demonstrate this.

The world can’t be changed because it does not want to be changed. This is why we celebrate great and kind thinkers. This is why we quote Gandhi, Dr. King, Mother Teresa, and other humanitarians. They stand out because they are a light in the bleak sea that is humanity.

What we can do is change the way we view others and relate to ourselves. It’s not the label that is trying to do harm to another person when used in anger. It’s the person using it. Forcing people to stop using a word we don’t like does nothing to address the actual problem of the person using it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by other Bipolar people that I shouldn’t say “I am Bipolar.” Even though “am” includes the definition of “having the quality of,” as in having the quality of Bipolar Disorder. These people are often struggling to find their own identity, to separate themselves from their mental illness. Quite often, they have life experiences where those words were used as weapons against them. They think they are helping to end stigma by trying to alter the words people use. And more than a couple of them expressed I would feel better about myself if I did.

The assumption is that because I use a phrase, I must not feel good about myself. That isn’t about me. I know they are transposing their own journey, suffering, and pain on to me. I think they normally have good, if not misguided intentions.

I’m at peace with myself because I understand myself. I don’t have the internal conflicts that racked up massive casualties in my mind like I used to. I understand Bipolar Disorder. I understand how my mental illness affects me. I know how to respond to the problems it gives me. And I use my pain for something positive, which makes it worthwhile in my eyes.

So, no. We are not our mental illness. Our mental illness is just one facet of who we are. Putting the responsibility of our own happiness and peace of mind on everyone else is a sure recipe for failure. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else.

The final thing I would like to point is that the waters are typically gray and murky around these labels. Many of the loved ones of the mentally ill that reach out to me believe that they can look at the label for a mental illness and understand how that person functions.

Sort of, but not really. Essentially, it can serve as a rule of thumb for what the person could possibly experience; but the way it comes through is going to entirely depend on the mentally ill person. It’s a circumstance where things look one way on paper but function differently in practice.

As an example. The difference between Type 1 and Type 2 Bipolar Disorder is psychosis. I identify as a Type 2 Bipolar because 99% of my unwellness and unwell cycles have not included psychosis. However, the time immediately after the Disorder started emerging in me and the time that actually prompted me to get screened for mental illness would have fit Type 1 psychosis criteria.

Similarly, I had a full-blown anxiety attack while I was coming down with the stomach bug I recently got over. I’ve had about 3 full-blown anxiety attacks in the past 20 years. Would that qualify as an anxiety disorder? No. It’s not really affecting me enough to warrant the need for medication or therapy to cope with it. Anxiety attacks are an anomaly for me.

I regularly see people put more importance on Type than is warranted. It’s not really that important because the DSM is mostly a general guideline to get a medical professional in the ballpark. Medication and treatment addresses the symptoms of mental illness that are out of control in an individual.

Let me give you an example.

The first is myself. I’m a Type 2 Bipolar with a severe Depression component. I spend probably 80% of my time in some form of depression – mild to severe. A mood stabilizer to cap the top end and an antidepressant to bring up the bottom end is a typical treatment.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is also a Type 2. But the way that person’s Disorder manifests is that they spend 80%+ of their time either fine or mildly escalated. The only time that person really swings into a depression is after a post escalation crash, which happens about once or twice a year. For that person, a mood stabilizer makes sense but an antidepressant may not be necessary.

We both have the same diagnosis but the Disorder functions differently in practice. We both require different treatment regimens to address the problems Bipolar Disorder specifically causes.

This why it is so important that we understand how our diagnosis and mental illness affects us as individuals. We each need to find our own peace with the circumstances we were given and not require others to feel good about ourselves. A lot of fear can be dispelled with knowledge. Each of us should learn everything we can about the Disorder so we can identify how it manifests and meaningfully communicate that to our professionals and loved ones.

As for labels used as weapons – shrug and move on. They only have power if you let them bother you. Responding with anger just feeds the ego of the person using it and gives them control over your emotional state.

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General Relationships

A Brief Note About Abusive Relationships and Bipolar Disorder

Many people write to me about a number of different things. I find myself pointing out that a number of these people are relating red flags of an abusive relationship. I’m not talking about the general difficulty that can come from mental illness or an unwell cycle. Sometimes, we Bipolar people can do awful things during an unwell cycle that are entirely out of character for who we actually are.

I’m talking about consistent, long-term abuse or severe red flag behavior.

There is a camp of people where those terrible things are a general part of their personality and character. They have toxic qualities about their personality that goes past what Bipolar Disorder is actually responsible for. A well-adjusted person who is open, loving, and accepting makes for an ideal target for a predator. That well-adjusted person can easily fall into the cycle of excusing awful behavior because of their loved one’s problems.

I’ve read a crapload of literature on “identifying abusive relationships.” This literature typically focuses on identifying the negative markers, but does not provide a lot of context. In answering these messages, I will typically point out the red flags and then provide links to good resources that point these same things out.

A majority of the time, I get one of the following responses:

– “But they are such a great person because XYZ reason!”

– “But we really synced on a deep level! Things were great until they got unwell.”

– “But they have all of these really great qualities!”

– “But I’ve never met anyone so intense, passionate, and wonderful!”

Here’s the thing I find myself repeating on a very regular basis that isn’t often covered in resources.

Abusive people are rarely completely awful people. Most of them have positive qualities about them. Media likes to depict bad people as damaged to the core, which is the only reason I can think of for this perception. Real life is rarely that black and white.

It really doesn’t matter if he’s amazing with puppies and children if his insecurities make him so jealous that he undermines his partner’s self-confidence, edits her friends and family, and forces his partner to sacrifice key components of herself to be “loved.”

It really doesn’t matter if she’s a vibrant, well-liked person by everyone she meets if she is unhinged and violent when angry.

If abusive people were 100% awful then no one would ever end up in abusive relationships. You’d just go, “Oh, that person is an asshole. I better avoid them,” and that would be the end of it. But that’s not how it works. Instead, the abusive person wears whatever mask is socially acceptable. As their partner gets more emotionally invested and the relationship continues, that mask starts coming off more and more.

I should also note that this isn’t always a willful act of manipulation either. Yes, there are people who are master manipulators, will get in your head, and use whatever your weakness is as leverage to tear you apart. Other people grow up in terrible situations where abuse and shittiness is the normal that they know. Sometimes it can take years for that person to realize that isn’t how they should conduct themselves. Others never realize it.

But no matter the case, that person is not going to change unless they want to change themselves. I’ve heard so many rationalizations to the contrary.

– “But if I just love them better they’ll be inspired to change.” No. No, they won’t.

– “But if I just do what they ask, then things will work out.” No. It really won’t. They just keep taking more.

– “But what if I can’t ever do any better?” That’s a matter you should discuss with a therapist.

Simply put, you’re better off not being in a relationship at all rather than staying in an abusive one. An abusive relationship takes a very drastic toll on the abused in the long-term. That kind of relationship destroys a person’s self-esteem and confidence. It can completely destroy one’s ability to trust and the damage carries over into future relationships; assuming the abused doesn’t decide to stop having relationships altogether.

Let’s specifically talk about new relationships and Bipolar Disorder.

The most frequent inquiry I get goes something like this.

“I met this wonderful person about six months to a year ago. They were so smart, charming, intense, vibrant, and passionate. I’ve never experienced anything that wonderful. Now, they are a completely different person.” Sometimes they are just different, sometimes they are acting in awful ways.

That is a very intoxicating experience for the second party. I’ve talked to several people who fall into the trap of thinking that they can get the person they originally met back if they just tough their way through whatever the Bipolar person is putting them through. The truth is that the vibrant, passionate experience was likely an unhealthy anomaly.

“But how can anything that felt so pure and right be bad? It’s love!”

Anytime I hear the words “intense and vibrant” in conjunction with Bipolar Disorder, my first question is, “Was the person manic?” When a Bipolar person is manic, their mental illness is creating a lot of false emotions and impressions. That includes feelings of love and attraction. No one can simply trust a Bipolar person’s feelings that are founded in mania because they likely do not represent that person’s actual feelings.

I catch a lot of shit from Bipolar people for that sentiment. “You don’t know me. You can’t tell me how I feel!” Correct. I do not know how everyone else feels. I do, however, know how an unwell cycle of Bipolar Disorder can cause delusional thoughts and feelings. And if you are Bipolar and thinking that, I would challenge you to look back at your previous manic cycles and compare feelings you had during those cycles to feelings you had before they started, after they ended, and see how consistent they are.

I digress.

Putting up with abusive behavior to get that “intense and vibrant” person back is not a solution. I would conclude that the “intense and vibrant” Bipolar person was manic until proven otherwise; because people aren’t usually intense and vibrant without some reason. In Bipolar people, mania is a pretty common reason.

I know it probably felt amazing; but I’m told heroin does, too. Doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to indulge in it. Feeling good does not necessarily mean it is good.

As I’ve stated many times, my rule of thumb is simple. Is the person trying to help themselves? And I don’t mean just talking about it. It’s easy for a manipulator to lie and say, “Oh, I’ll go to the doctor and do what needs to be done.” Managing mental illness is hard, tedious, frustrating, and fucking annoying at times. A person that is not actively working to be well and following through on all of that tedious crapwork is not going to stay well.

No amount of love and compassion is going to inspire that person to want to be well or not be shitty. For every one person that claims that to be the case, there’s a thousand who wind up an abused, damaged husk of who they used to be.

Every situation is different. If you feel you are in such a situation, I would highly recommend that you speak to a counselor about your situation or reach out to a local organization that deals with abusive relationships. They will be able to provide better insight on your specific situation and may be able to provide resources to separate yourself from that relationship.

Compassion for the mentally ill and people that struggle is wonderful; but there must be limits. If you hold on too tight, you’ll just sink to the bottom and drown with that person.

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Coping General

An Open Letter: The Guilt of an Unwell Cycle

Every once in awhile, I will sit down and write an Open Letter style post that a reader can hand off to a loved one who may be struggling. This one is on the crushing guilt that many of us feel after the unwell cycle ends and we are confronted with the devastation we unleashed on the lives of our loved ones.

To Whom It May Concern;

Hey there. My name is Dennis. I’m a 35 year old, Type 2 Bipolar with severe Bipolar-Depression and High-Functioning Autism. I spent 15 years undiagnosed and unmedicated, with all of the “fun” that goes along with that. About six years ago, I started working towards my recovery. A few years after that, I began my own advocacy efforts to help people such as you and your loved ones find your way through the confusion, chaos, and misery that often accompanies Bipolar Disorder.

If you’re reading this, which you clearly are or you wouldn’t know what I was saying, chances are pretty good that you’ve done damage to the people you love due to an unwell cycle and feel awful about it. Many of the people that reach out to me are the friends, family members, and loved ones of people such as yourself who are trying to figure out how they can help you.

I know, from personal experience, that their words aren’t going to cut through what you’re feeling. There are two potential reasons.

The first? Escalated cycles of Bipolar Disorder are often followed by a very severe depressive cycle when your brain finally crashes. As anyone with depression can attest, there isn’t a whole lot of light, hope, or positivity in that mental space.

The second? Pretty words don’t take the guilt away when a Bipolar person genuinely feels bad about how their unwell actions upended the lives of their loved ones. A severe unwell cycle can unleash devastation into the lives of the people you love with the magnitude of a hurricane.

You may blame yourself, but it is not your fault. Would you have done those things if you were not severely unwell? Probably not. The fact that you feel bad or guilty about it is actually a good thing. There are plenty of assholes and toxic people in this world who just don’t care how their actions affect the people around them. I hear from the loved ones of those people on a regular basis as well.

No amount of feeling bad or guilty is going to unmake your actions. The past is the past. It’s done, though it may not be over with. Bipolar Disorder is certainly the cause of many horrible actions, but the Disorder does not prevent you from rendering apologies, working to repair the damage that your mental illness was responsible for, and working to ensure it does not happen again.

Do you want to repair that damage? Start with an apology to the people you wounded, but never apologize for being Bipolar. This is a point that is often confused in advocacy circles a lot, particular on the internet. “You shouldn’t apologize for being you!” No, but you should apologize when you deal damage to the people you care about. Not because you’re sorry about being Bipolar, but to acknowledge that you understand you caused them hurt and want to make that better.

Do you want to make it up to the people you damaged? Commit yourself to making sure another severe unwell cycle cannot happen again. Bipolar Disorder can seem like a daunting, intangible beast. The big reason for that is how it strikes each person who lives with it in a slightly different way. What works for me won’t necessarily work for you and vice versa.

But you can learn to interpret the Disorder. You can learn how it affects you specifically. You can visit your doctor or a therapist to develop better skills in coping with it. You can go to a support group to be around and learn from other people who have already experienced problems similar to yours.

There are many things you can do to work towards controlling Bipolar Disorder instead of allowing it to destroy and destabilize your life over and over. It will if you let it. We can, however, learn to manage it and exert greater control over it.

You and your loved ones do not have to continue to be victims of Bipolar Disorder. You can fight it tooth and nail. You can build your body of knowledge on the Disorder and use it to fight for recovery.

It’s not an easy path. It’s really easy to get confused or lost along the way. It’s easy to get frustrated with the tedious nature of pursuing meaningful wellness. It’s not a fast process for most people. It takes time to see what works and what doesn’t. But when things start working? Well, just imagine if you had been able to intercept and head off just one of the severe unwell cycles you’ve experienced in your life. How different would things be? How much better could they be?

Bipolar Disorder is a severe mental illness. It’s not something you can just ignore and everything will work out okay. It’s a problem we need to commit ourselves to combating.

I did it. You can do it, too. You may not get it perfect. I sure as hell don’t. But you can pursue a higher quality of life and reduce the impact of your mental illness on the people you love.

The first step, whether you are new to the recovery process or simply stumbled on your path, is talking to a knowledgeable mental health professional. Find yourself a doctor or a therapist, tell them what happened, ask questions, and see what options are available to you for pursuing wellness. Whether it’s lifestyle changes, therapy, or medication; the only way to know what works for you is to start trying.

You don’t have to be a victim. Stand up. Fight. Fight for yourself. Fight for the people you love. Don’t spend too much time mourning the past, build yourself a better future.

Believe me when I tell you that you’re not the only one who has ever felt the pain and guilt that you feel. Many of us have done things that are just as bad and worse.

I’m not a doctor. I’m not one of your normal friends or loved ones trying to comfort you. I am a Type 2 Bipolar with a history that includes one active and six passive suicide attempts, homelessness, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, two broken engagements, multiple broken relationships, multiple lost jobs, and more. As someone who has lived a path similar to yours, I am telling you that things can get better if you work to make them better.

Sincerely,

-Dennis

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General

The War Against Mental Health Stigma

There are many days where a circumstance causes me to question if I’m nuts or if it’s everyone else. The war against stigma is one of those subjects. I would say that at least 50% of the discussion I read or hear on it is completely unreasonable with impossible goals. And what’s worse is that unreasonable, impossible discussions make it harder for other people to come to reasonable conclusions about us. Walk with me as I rant about this further. And allow me to infuriate some readers almost immediately!

Is Stigma Ever Fair or Reasonable?

Yes. It is. Google defines stigma as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.”

“But Dennis, how can that ever be fair or reasonable? I can’t help what I am!”

Since I launched my website and started engaging in regular advocacy work, I have found that many of the people that harbor the worst feelings about Bipolar people and Bipolar Disorder had good reason to feel that way. They had Bipolar parents who abused and tormented them. They married a Bipolar person who cleaned them out and destroyed their lives. Their adult Bipolar child was toxic and refused to do anything to help themselves, burning them out and draining them of emotional and financial resources.

To suggest that these people would not, should not be fearful of Bipolar people is stupid. If you’re walking down an alleyway, someone jumps out of a door way, robs you, and stabs you; you’re going to develop a wariness and discomfort of cutting down alleyways with easy places for people to hide. Right? And that’s a pretty quick exchange in general. Imagine someone who suffered for decades at the hands of a toxic Bipolar person. Are they going to be running around with open arms to other Bipolar people? Hell no. They’re going to be wary, angry, and fearful.

And they have every right to be.

Bipolar Disorder Should Be Addressed with Respectful Fear

Do you respect Bipolar Disorder? Do you fear it? If you don’t, you need to at least a little. Deaths. Abuse. Gaslighting. All it takes is a single severe unwell cycle to do some shit that you can never take back. Maybe you’ve never had a severe unwell cycle before. Many unwell cycles do not always reach such extremes that we are a threat to ourselves or other people. However, each and every one of us has the potential to land in such a cycle. It can be stress in your life. It can be a bad reaction to medication. It can be anything that, for whatever reason, sends a Bipolar mind into destructive unwell cycle.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. There isn’t a whole lot that makes me genuinely afraid. What does? What goes in my brain when I have a Mixed Cycle. I’ve had three in my life and I remember each of them distinctly because of how awful I felt and how hateful they made me. My last one was so bad it was the reason I sought psychiatric help after contemplating murdering a bunch of people and killing myself. That wasn’t that shocking. I had thoughts like that off and on through the years. What was terrifying is how good of an idea I thought it was and that I had the capability to carry it out. That was enough to get me in for a psychiatric evaluation once I was jarred out of those thoughts.

My respect and fear for what is in my brain is what helps me stay compliant when I really don’t want to. When I’m sick of dealing with meds and doctors and all other other crap that goes along with trying to stay mentally well. I cannot lose to that Monster in my mind because if I do, the end will not be pretty.

And what if you’ve never had that experience? Well hey, Bipolar Disorder gets worse with age, not better. Tomorrow or five years from now you could have an unwell cycle that an intensity that you’ve never experienced before. You have to be prepared for that. The people that we love and that love us do too.

Much Stigma is Rooted in Irrational Fear

Do you want to meaningfully combat stigma? Then you have to come to terms with Bipolar Disorder and what it means to others. You need to put yourself in the shoes of the people who have suffered at the hands of other Bipolar people. Even if you’re not toxic, if you’d never dream of hurting or wounding another person in such a severe way, the fact that you’re Bipolar is going to instill fear in those people. And no, it’s not rational and it’s not fair. But it’s also not fair that others are victimized by toxic people of all kinds. Having compassion for those people takes nothing away from your own position and place in the world. Compassion takes nothing away from your own struggles or difficulties in life.

And it is a way to meaningfully combat stigma. To be able to listen, hear what they have to say, and be able to show them that a Bipolar person can care about their suffering as opposed to inflicting it.

All of the sugar-coated, flowery poetic bullshit that so many people peddle about Bipolar Disorder just drives those people further away. They KNOW how awful we have the potential to be because they experienced it first hand. Of course they aren’t going to respond well to that. Of course they’re going to think we’re lying manipulators touting that garbage.

I view other mentally ill people as my brothers and sisters in this war for well-being and peace of mind. I want us all to be treated humanely. Note that I used the word humanely, not kindly. Some of us cannot be treated kindly because some of us are toxic, abusive, whirlwinds of destruction who would be completely terrible people even if they weren’t mentally ill. Like it or not, we have to do our part to combat the shit these people put into the world and treat their victims with the same compassion that we would want for ourselves. Their pain and struggles are no less important than ours.

That is, for those of us that are able to. I am well aware that not everyone has the desire or ability to engage in these struggles. That’s okay, too. Staying well, sane, and balanced should always be our priority.

To combat irrational fear, we must introduce rational knowledge. And in my mind, that means not glossing over the severe damage that we have the capability of inflicting on the people around us.

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General Self-Help

Bipolar Disorder and Depression: Should I Apply For Disability?

There is a lot of misinformation and relative stupidity surrounding Disability and Social Services in general. I’ve met people that view it as anything from a question of weakness and pride to validation of their being screwed up. And all of it is ridiculous to the point of stupidity.

So what is Disability? A quick Google Definition reveals the following:

– any government system that provides monetary assistance to people with an inadequate or no income.

– (in the US) a federal insurance program that provides benefits to retired people and those who are unemployed or disabled.

And what is the government definition of Disabled? For that, let’s turn to the U.S. Department of Labor:

The term “disability” is defined by the federal government in various ways, depending on the context. For the purposes of federal disability nondiscrimination laws (such as the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), Section 503 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 and Section 188 of the Workforce Investment Act), the definition of a person with a disability is typically defined as someone who (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more “major life activities,” (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment.

For purposes of Social Security disability benefits, a person with a disability must have a severe disability (or combination of disabilities) that has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months or result in death, and which prevents working at a “substantial gainful activity” level. State vocational rehabilitation (VR) offices define a person with a disability to be eligible for VR services if he or she has a physical or mental impairment that constitutes or results in a “substantial impediment” to employment for the applicant.

So what does that mean?

Simply put, if a recurring physical or mental problem prevents “substantial gainful activity”, such as gainful employment since we all need to do it, you fall under the government definition of “disabled”. All people with Bipolar Disorder fall under this umbrella. All. Now, does that mean that you are eligible for benefits? No. It does mean you can invoke rights afforded to you by the Americans with Disabilities Act and other legislation dealing with people with disabilities.

Approval for benefits comes down to proving that your disability interferes with your ability to conduct at least one major activity, usually working. A recent discussion I had featured the common sentiment of “I’m too sick to work, but not sick enough for disability.” Wrong. If you are too sick to work due to a chronic or recurring condition, then you are “sick enough” for disability! What matters after that point is proving it to the SSA.

But my doctor, family, spouse, whoever tells me I’m not!

Let me again point you back to the legal definition of disabled – (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more “major life activities,” (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment. In addition to for purposes of Social Security disability benefits, a person with a disability must have a severe disability (or combination of disabilities) that has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months or result in death, and which prevents working at a “substantial gainful activity” level.

Does your impairment meet these criteria? Do you swing up, work a job for a few weeks or a few months before your downswing destroys it all? Does your depression make it impossible for you to hold down a full-time job? Does your mental illness prevent you from interacting and participating in full-time employment? Does anxiety crush your ability to deal with the public or coworkers? Then you likely meet the legal criteria for being disabled and may have a case to make for disability benefits.

Here’s a good rule of thumb; before you take advice on a matter, have the person define what you’re asking about. If they can’t even tell you what the subject matter is, then how are they providing you meaningful, knowledgeable advice?

I know because I took the time to research it, talk to my attorney, and even spent time bullshitting with a Social Security employee to pick their brain on this subject.

Now, the matter of the doctor that says, “you don’t need it”, which is something I hear about on a regular basis. Simply put – do they actually know what they’re talking about? Remember, their opinions are based off of the information you’ve given them over the handful of hours you’ve interacted with them on a regular basis. They’re not with you 24-7 to see how your mental illness affects you specifically. Their opinions are based on the limited amount of information they have about your life, functionality, and their own knowledge and biases that may not be founded in your reality.

Furthermore, they’re operating off of the information that you give them. Are you giving them all of the right information for them to understand? Do you know every detail and nuance of what you experience to be able to relate it to your doctor?

I had two psychiatrists tell me I didn’t need Disability; even after explaining to them fucking up college and the 24+ jobs I’ve had since I graduated high school, being briefly homeless, and the chaos that was my personal life. You know who disagreed? The Judge that heard my case and approved my claim; which gave me the resources to get my shit together. I have no idea why those two psychs claimed that I couldn’t maintain gainful employment even though I had a 15 year history of not being able to maintain gainful employment.

Doctors aren’t lawyers. Their testimony isn’t the sole lynch-pin in approval or rejection. Their insight and input is one piece of the entire puzzle. It will not make or break your claim.

The Most Important Word

Proof. I bolded and italicized it for a reason. You need to prove that your medical condition prevents substantial gainful activity. Testimony is not proof. It is an opinion. A lot of the information you will provide to the SSA in the application process does not necessarily prove your claim. The more information that you can provide lends more weight to proving the claim. Disability is a government program and is wrapped up in just as much bullshit and red tape as any other government program. This is exactly why you should not listen to your doctor, parents, spouse, whoever.

My advice? Get a local disability lawyer. There are a lot of “national” chains that advertise on television and around the internet. Ignore that crap. You want someone close by who’s office you can actually go to if need be. They work on contingency, meaning they only get paid if you win your claim. Their fees will be a portion of whatever back award you are given. They should lay out how payment works before accepting you as a client.

There is, literally, nothing to lose by talking to a Disability attorney; other than back award money that you may not have been awarded to you without their help.

I spent 4 years in the system, with a mostly blank claim, for some reason, before I finally got smart and secured an attorney. I was too depressed and did not think I would ever get approved, so I did not advocate for myself. Most people will not take that long to get through the process. Average time is about a year at the moment.

Should You Apply For Social Security Disability?

Does your mental illness prevent you from maintaining long-term, consistent, full-time employment?

If the answer to that question is “yes”, then scoot on over to SSA.gov, make yourself an account, and start the application process. You will need your work history and medical history information; as well as names and phone numbers of facilities and medical professionals that have treated you.

If you get rejected, APPEAL. Always, always, always appeal until you are out of appeals. There’s like six levels of appeal, the final being going before a Judge to discuss your conditions and how it affects your life. That is the most likely time for a person with a mental illness to be approved because the step involves you actually discussing your life with someone instead of a person or committee analyzing the information you submitted.

It is MUCH harder to prove how a mental illness negatively affects your daily life through documentation; unlike something like a spinal injury which is clear. But you still want to build your case by providing every ounce of documentation relating to your diagnosis, treatment, and how it affects your life.

Your Life Does Not End With Disability

Disability is a resource. Some people need it for the rest of their lives, some people do not. In my case, I’m very much looking forward to transitioning off of it, hopefully within the next year or so. I’ve used the resources being approved for Disability opened up to me – additional funds and insurance – and worked to get my mental illness manageable.

People that are able to recover may be able to utilize government programs for rehabilitation to go to college or a trade school to actually have a career. Vocational Rehab may pay your way through school, assuming you meet the criteria for it. And if you get unwell in the future? Your prior approval basically lets you skate through the re-application process. You don’t have to go through all that again if you relapse.

Disability isn’t necessarily an end. It may be the beginning of a well, recovered life for you.

Don’t overlook it because some people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

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Generic Medications Are Not “Knock Offs”

Image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net by jscreationzs.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted this list of generic meds I compiled in a public place. One of the very first comments I received was to the tune of “You shouldn’t be recommending drugs, let alone knock off drugs to people. You’re not a doctor.”

1. They are correct. I am not a doctor. And you will note that I have never claimed to be, nor will ever claim to be. Because I am not. I am an eloquent mental patient. Nothing more.

2. Did I recommend any drugs? No. I compiled a list of $4 generic psych medications out of public information freely available from your local Big Box retailer. I said “if affordability is an issue, you can discuss these with your doctor to see if any is a good fit for you”. That is not recommending a treatment. That is recommending that YOU TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR TREATMENT.

In my purely unprofessional opinion and what I’ve personally witnessed, it may cause MORE damage to have someone go on a psych med for a few months and then need to come off of it because they cannot afford it. Bipolar Disorder is for life. You need to plan for long-term management. Can you afford $100 a month for prescriptions? Most people I know cannot. Therefore, $4 generic equivalents are a better alternative.

3. Generic medications are NOT knock offs. People wrongly assume that the medication industry is driven by the standard supply and demand model, like much of retail. It is not. A company patents a formula, researches it, and is allowed to attempt to recoup costs of development and profit from it in the time remaining on the patent – which is 20 years from the establishment thereof. They essentially set their own price point.

Medications that fall OUTSIDE of that patent period can be produced by any other company. Many times, they are produced by the original company and put out as “generic equivalents”. They are the same chemically. The only difference is that they are now outside of this patent period, so the company does not have free reign to put whatever price point they want on the drug. This is why new medications cost so much.

4. Doctors are not pharmacists. Doctors are not the financial wing of whatever entity they work through. They do not price shop for you. Their job is to treat whatever problem you are bringing to the table. YOU need to tell your doctor if price matters or you do not have insurance that covers prescriptions.

I take two generic meds – lithium carbonate and citalopram. I pay $8 a month for both of my prescriptions. The lithium works great; but I’ve always had a hard time with antidepressants. Is that the fault of the citalopram? No. Chemically, it is Celexa.

So long as I’m not ordering my psych meds from a sketchy, internet pharmacy based out of El Salvador; there is not going to be a difference between putting name brand Celexa in my body instead of citalopram. The only difference is the bureaucracy surrounding it.

This is not new or “secret” information. It is all publicly available if you look into how medications are developed.

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Bipolar Disorder: Three Tips For Finding Peace in Chaos

Image courtesy of Supertrooper at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Awhile back, someone asked me “how did you manage to find peace with being Bipolar?” It’s a question I’ve thought about a lot. Not only did I not have an answer, but I felt like it was something that could potentially be very useful for other people. I think that I may have narrowed it down to a few important points that may be useful for others.So let’s have a look…

Dispel Fear and Uncertainty with Knowledge

Many fears that are not the result of atypical processes come from a lack of information. After my diagnosis, I began to read and absorb as much information as I could on Bipolar Disorder and the way it is treated. I quickly realized that a lot of the information that I was taking in really did not relate to how I experienced the Disorder. So, one of my early goals was to figure out how my mental illness affected me specifically.

There is a lot of chaos and shittiness that goes along with being Bipolar. It is pretty difficult to predict what the results of an unwell cycle may be. Will we run screaming into chaos or crash into suicidal depression? I have no idea what tomorrow will bring in that regard. However, Bipolar Disorder is an illness. There are threads of order in the way it functions. I may not know what this escalated cycle will bring; but I can at least start planning for the fact I will soon be unbalanced by identifying the symptoms that point to it.

Understanding how the Disorder affects me, specifically, removed a lot of the anxiety about what my brain was doing.

Figure out how Bipolar Disorder functions and affects you.

My clearest indicators of escalation are an inability to sleep more than 4 hours at a time while not being tired, racing thoughts, and pressured speech. There are other symptoms but they are things I experience in times other than when I’m escalated. The pressured thoughts, speech, and inability to sleep are things that ONLY manifest when I’m escalating. They are also things that a third party can point out to me. I may not know what the cycle will bring, but I at least know I’m heading into choppy waters and can start planning accordingly.

I feel that the easiest way to go about doing this is to read as much as possible about the Disorder and eliminate that which does not apply to you.

Let Go Of What You Can’t Control

I’m pretty sure I could hear everyone out there with Anxiety scream out all at once as I was writing that. “But Dennis! It’s not that simple!” No, it isn’t that simple. I never said or would say it is. It takes practice and work to learn to let go of things and accept them for what they are. It takes effort to change thought processes. And it is much harder if you also happen to have an unchecked mood disorder or problems with Anxiety.

A technique that I learned awhile ago involves distraction. This is particularly true for Bipolar unwell cycles. The more you dwell on a point of information, the further it is going to drive you into unwellness. When I trigger, I do my best to separate myself from that situation as much as I possibly can until my brain has had a chance to move past that time period where it is just fueling the start of the unwell cycle. Within a day or two, my brain will reach whatever new level it was going to advance to and then I can address the situation more effectively.

“But I have to address this situation now!” I know. Some things you can’t just set aside and ignore. What you can do is force yourself to not dwell on it when you aren’t attempting to get anything productive done about it. Let me use a hypothetical example.

Dad has a heart attack. It is clearly a serious situation that needs attention and focus that will most likely trigger an unwell cycle. However, there’s only so much you can do that in that situation. You’re going to spend a lot of time waiting. And the more time you spend sitting around thinking about the situation and every potential “What If” scenario, the further your brain is going to escalate. So you don’t want to spend every hour in the waiting room, agonizing over what could happen.

My choice for distraction are Sudoku puzzles. They are a grid with numbers where you use logical reasoning to figure out what numbers go where. Don’t be afraid, it’s not math! It’s logical thinking – if this number is here, it can’t go there – and so on. I throw myself into working through these puzzles because I have to actively think about them. And I time myself on seeing how long it takes to solve them. So instead of spending hours agonizing in the waiting room, I’m still present but my mind is focused on something else instead of what could happen. In doing so, I reduce the extreme to which my brain is trying to run away.

You can use anything that requires active thinking. Mindless is bad. It still leaves room for the circumstance to force its way back into your thoughts on a regular basis. When it does creep into your thoughts, you just have to push it back out unless it is necessary for you to deal with at the time.

Find a way to distract yourself from dwelling on circumstances out of your control.

Meditation, puzzle solving, really anything that will put your thoughts elsewhere can help. You’re not avoiding the problem. You’re just minimizing the amount of attention you give it while your brain shifts from the trigger point to wherever it’s going to land in unwellness. The more you dwell on the trigger in that period of time, the worse it’s going to be.

Create Positive Out of Negative

Bipolar Disorder is the best and worst thing about me. I would not be sitting here writing this had the Disorder not caused the problems I faced while I was undiagnosed. I was able to really see and understand these things because of that perspective. It taught me important lessons – like the need for humility, patience, and asking questions.

On the other hand, I fucking hate the fact that I can’t trust my own brain. Is what I feel real? Or is it my brain just fucking with me at the moment? I know I have to be vigilant about watching out for potential triggers, which can be exhausting at times. Any time I have a “really great” idea, I need to run it past people I trust to make sure it actually is a good idea and not just my Bipolar brain spinning it that way to me. Plus all of the chaos, bullshit, and depression that goes with it. It sucks ass. And I really hate it.

I don’t know if I would go so far as to choose to not be that way though. I know I’ve helped a number of people because I’ve had the perspective that I do. In my mind, suggesting that I would choose to have never been Bipolar means those people may have never had a perspective to benefit from. And my pains and challenges are no more important than those of anyone else.

I remind myself of that fact when I start slipping into depression or feeling overwhelmed. This negativity and shittiness may bear positive circumstances later on. Don’t get lost or dwell too much in the moment. Just get through it and add it to the body of knowledge I’ve already accrued.

Advocacy work is how I turned my negative into a positive. Respecting the trials and tribulations that the Disorder threw into my life as a means of learning and challenges to overcome keeps me from feeling overwhelmed by them. They are just problems to find solutions to and learn from. Everyone has challenges and difficulties in life. Changing the way you view those challenges and difficulties makes it much easier to deal with them.

Find a way to turn negative circumstances into something positive.

There are many ways you can accomplish this, as varied as our individual lives. Probably the easiest route is to volunteer for some non-profit work. There are many avenues where people that have experienced hardships can use them to help someone else. Even if you decide to just go bang some nails in for Habitat for Humanity, you can take some pride in knowing that you made a positive contribution. That can do wonders for your own mentality and feelings of self-worth.

The obvious leap, in this circumstance, would be to try and get involved in non-profit work or get a job helping people with problems like yours. That will not be a great solution for everyone. You need to have a good control over your own problems and your ability to stay balanced when immersed in the pain of someone else. I’ve met a couple of people who could not maintain a healthy separation and it spurred on their own unwellness.

I strive to maintain a healthy, reasonable perspective. My goal is to not “save the world”; it’s to leave people better than I found them and encourage them to do the same. I can’t force people to make the right or better decisions for themselves; I can only present them with information that I hope will help them make a better decision. The only problems I own are my mine, because those are the only ones I can meaningfully affect.

I feel like these three points were the main foundation of finding peace and acceptance with the Disorder. Point 1 gave me understanding. Point 2 reduces the chaos and makes unwellness more manageable. And Point 3 helps me keep a positive perspective if things aren’t going smoothly.

Things aren’t perfect, they never will be. But they sure as hell are better than they were ten years ago.

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Bipolar Disorder: A Question of Moral Character?

The following post was written as a response to another half-informed comment thread in my post “Bipolar Disorder: A Reason Or An Excuse?”. The comment about Downs stems from another comment where the original author weakly related the two. 

At any rate, I decided to turn this into a post, primarily so I would have some place to point people instead of needing to repeat my response on a continued and regular basis. Enjoy!

As posted by Sandi: 

 

“People with Down Syndrome, on average, aren’t as likely as bipolar people to gaslight, cheat on, manipulate, squeal at, violently attack, or play mindgames with people they claim to love as Bipolar people are.

Yes, they ARE different.

I know an individual who has bipolar and his behaviour is ABHORRENT, and I’ve mostly only talked to him on the phone so far. Lying to me (mixing up details, having a “poor memory”, denying having said things, usually negative ones, gaslighting me and shitting on my self esteem, telling me I overanalyze him when I’m just asking a simple question or mistaking what he says for something else (not necessarily anything “deeper” or more psychological like he says I’m doing), using his mother’s sickness as an excuse for not answering valid and gently phrased questions while MY mother was DYING)

Oh, you know, little things like that.

Bipolar people absolutely do know the way their behavior effects others because even though a good percentage of them are little glops of horse jizz who have no empathy, empathy is not necessary to be aware of the fact that others are hurt, just to CARE that they are hurting them. And sadly many of them don’t care. But they know.

And don’t listen to dopes like Natasha Tracy who write Bipolar apology articles, which trick normal humans into dating these (likely to be- not all, but likely to be) uncompassoinate freaks of nature instead of being responsible and warning others that they have higher rates of narcissism and destructive behaviour. Apparently, their “rights” to not be “stereotyped” are more important than keeping the rest of us normies safe.

I am so sick of apolgizing for mentally ill behavior (some of it is stuff like losing temper and control of one’s body, but other stuff, especially the verbal stuff like the pathological lying and the purposeful confusing of the other person for NO reason even of self defense, is on purpose by default).

We have become a society that talks too much about psychology and too little of morals, and sometimes there is such thing as a moral illness.”

 

 

At first, I was tempted to sluice this post into the spam heap; but I decided against it.

The similarity that Bipolar Disorder shares with Downs (and many other mental illnesses) is the physical difference of the brain. Some people are born with defective livers, kidneys, lungs; some people are born with defective brains. Many mental illnesses (such as Bipolar Disorder) are genetic. My family has a history of Bipolar Disorder, as do many others. So behavior-wise, no, they are not the same. They are the same in that they are the result of physical problems with the brain that impact functionality in a negative way.

In regards to the individual you know – why are you still talking to them if they are so awful to you? How about not letting them do it? How about distancing yourself from the person? How about minimizing the damage the person can do to you?

Time and time again, people lament on how awful they are treated by a Bipolar person, never once considering that they simply don’t have to be involved.

I regularly see people complain that Bipolar Disorder is used an excuse. My question is – what difference does it make? The only thing stopping you from standing up for yourself is you. Would it make you feel better if the person would just say “hey, I’m an asshole!” How many terrible people have you known to do that, who were not just seeking attention? How many dozens of times have you heard “he seemed so nice” or “I’ve known him all my life” right after some horror came to light?

“Blah blah blah. They use it an excuse.” No. People that whine about it being used as an excuse are the ones using it as an excuse. NOTHING is stopping you from standing up for yourself and saying “You can’t do this, this is wrong.” and taking steps to remove yourself from that situation.

So let’s talk about a problem of society; a society that values opinions and feelings more than facts. I’m sick of people acting like they’re entirely helpless and putting the responsibility on someone who is KNOWN TO BE MENTALLY ILL to make good, rational decisions. That seems like a fantastic idea! Let’s also walk out into the middle of a highway blindfolded. I’m sure that will work out great too.

I’m sick of people thinking their feelings and opinions are a replacement for fact. It’s clear that you’re angry and upset about being treated badly; as you should be. That is fair and valid. Making sweeping statements about the Disorder and the people suffering from it based on those feelings? Not so much.

I’m sick of ignorant people thinking that Bipolar Disorder is some new or made up mental illness. The oldest surviving mention of the Disorder is from one thousand years ago in The Canon of Medicine, written by the Persian doctor Avicenna. Early on it was known as the Circular Illness, then it became Manic-Depression, now it’s Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder has a long and storied history; ranging from the pens of the Persian physician to Chinese doctors of the 1500s to the European developments of the 1800’s and 1900’s that paved the understanding we have today.

We have become a society that talks too much about psychology and too little of morals, huh? There’s another argument I’m sick of hearing. Humanity is no different today than it has ever been. People pine for the alleged golden age; a time when racism and sexism were fine. A time when mentally ill people were locked away in asylums in conditions worse than prisons with even less rights. Humanity has always been awful and always will be.

And some people are just toxic people who also happen to be mentally ill. Some people are mentally ill and able to maintain some sense of normalcy with the assistance of meds, self-management, and support from friends and family. Some people cannot be helped. Some people can.

You always have a choice. You can choose who you let into your life and how you let them affect you. It may not always be a good choice, but at least you have one.

We, on the other hand, have to spend the rest of our lives dealing and managing this mental illness – 24/7/365 – while being bombarded by the unfounded, asinine opinions of people who seem to think that “oh, it’s just a matter of making better decisions” or “be a better person”.

And no matter how awful you think you’ve been treated – I can guarantee you that person has done just as bad to themselves; oftentimes without even realizing the destruction and chaos they create. People like you act like being mentally ill is a get out of jail free card, like the crap we do in our lives doesn’t have repercussions. It ALL does. It’s miserable, horrible, and painful; and that’s part of the reason why untreated Bipolars have a 20%+ suicide rate.

But hey! I guess I could have easily avoided those 7 suicide attempts, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, dozens of lost jobs, two broken engagements, ruined relationships, homelessness, and screwing up college if I was just a more moral, better person!

I’m kind of confused though. I mean, I’ve sunk hundreds of hours into helping inform people, helping them find local services, being a shoulder, pulling them out of depression, tempering their escalations, and calming their fears. I’ve helped a few people leave abusive relationships. I’ve helped a vet past his hurdles to seek care for his PTSD. I’ve been a friend to people who felt like they had no one in this world; listening to their darkest pains and thoughts. I’ve encouraged at least a couple dozen people back into therapist and doctor’s offices, helped them communicate with their professionals better, and push towards wellness.

Yet here I am, still Bipolar! I must not be moral enough? I must not care enough? Is that right?

I have ALWAYS been capable of empathy and care. However, this little glop of horse jizz spent years full of hate, anger, and self-loathing; unable to keep anything together because of the physically rooted mental illness I inherited. I was able to attain a large degree of perspective and understanding by educating myself on the Disorder, how it’s treated, how it affects me, and medication.

I do agree with you on one point though; caring and empathy are woefully rare in this world. Particularly from people who stand behind their “morals” to pass judgment on people and things they know nothing about.

And despite our “disagreement” on the basic facts of mental illness, I am very sorry to hear about what you went through with your mother. That must have been extremely painful and difficult for you. My condolences to you and your family.

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How #TheDress Demonstrates Mood Disorder Unwellness

The whole #TheDress thing is a pretty awesome example of how a person’s perception shapes the way they look at the world around them. One’s initial perception may show it as white and gold, but if you look at it long enough, your brain corrects it to the blue and black dress it actually is. It’s the same sort of thing as magic eye puzzles where an image would jump out of the noise at you.

It is an apt demonstration of the way perceptions stained by mood disorder can function as well.

As an example:

I step around a corner and see my partner hugging some guy I don’t know.

Manic: Rage. I knew she was cheating on me. Confrontation, yelling, and general shittiness. (White and Gold Dress)

Depression: I knew it. I’m no good for her or anyone else. Of course she would want to throw me aside. I’m going to lose her. I’m going to lose everything I care about. Self-loathing, maybe self-harm or suicide attempts. (White and Gold Dress)

Truth: Blind accusations are damaging no matter what they are. Even if I don’t necessarily “trust” her; I ask who he is. Maybe he’s a friend from college I had previously met but entirely forgot about. Maybe he’s a cousin I haven’t met. The point is, a hug is no indicator of unfaithfulness. (Blue and Black Dress)

And that is why it is a good example. So many people are looking at this picture of #TheDress and see two different things. When it comes to being bipolar or depressed, we have something similar going on with our feelings and emotions. Except for us, it’s whatever unwell thinking our brain funnels us about our loved ones or today being the day to commit suicide.

The fact of the matter is – the truth is buried in there underneath the emotional instability and unwellness. That’s why I do not trust my emotions when I’m trying to interpret something that is going on in my life. I work to cut through how I feel and push towards the reality of the situation.

I always strive to react without anger or emotion clouding me so the hypomania or depression does not have a chance to creep in and fuck things up by seeding disastrous thoughts in my mind.

So the next time you are looking at a loved one with a mood disorder, wondering what the hell is going on in their head, try and remember that they are seeing the white and gold dress at the moment. Their emotions and perception is clouded by the unstable, often irrational thoughts. Counter their emotions by pointing out facts and adhering tightly to them.

And if you suffer from a mood disorder – be it Anxiety, Depression, or Bipolar Disorder – drastic emotion paves the way for instability. That does not mean you strive not to feel or numb everything. It does mean we should all strive to not respond or react out of emotion. Identify the facts about the situation and address it after you have had a little time to really look at what you’re faced with.

I find myself constantly reminding myself of facts and reality if I am pushing back against unwell thinking. You can envision it like two people arguing in my head. The unwell side is trying to introduce chaotic thoughts and feelings. The other side of my brain is shouting it down with the facts about the situation. I may even write out a list of all of the facts of the situation so when the unwell thoughts start creeping in, I can just go back and read the list I wrote for myself to KNOW what the reality is before my unwellness really starts to take hold.

Unwell cycles typically take a little time to fully get rolling. Not dwelling on the emotions and reminding ourselves that we are actually looking at a blue and black dress, instead of a white and gold dress, can go a long way towards minimizing the total impact of an unwell cycle.

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