The initial steps of starting on the path to recovery often come at a confusing time. One’s personal life may be in a state of upheaval or transition, causing stress and confusion, making it difficult to see the path forward. One of the most common questions I am asked is: should I talk to a professional about the problems I’m having?
The short answer is yes, you should. If for any reason you are contemplating talking to your doctor or mental health professional about problems you are having, then the answer is yes, you should talk to them. At minimum, they may be able to provide some perspective or suggestions on how to handle whatever it is that you are facing. And if it does turn out to be a more serious issue, well, you’re in the right place to start looking at the problem and addressing it.
I find that people tend to add their own fears onto the end of that statement. I say, “talk to a mental health professional.” That doesn’t mean, “talk to a mental health professional and take medication.” That association is incorrect. You’re going to have a conversation. That conversation can lead to medication if the professional decides that it is warranted and the patient agrees.
Your agreement is an important point. If you don’t agree with that suggestion, just say, “I’m not ready for medication yet” or “I don’t want to be medicated.” It’s far less scary than the mind can make it out to be, particularly if the fear is amplified by an uncontrolled mental illness or stress.
A willingness to comply is necessary for real progress and recovery because it’s not like anyone is going to babysit to ensure you are taking your meds or using therapy techniques. It’s something you have to want to do yourself. That’s why you can’t really force a path of wellness or recovery on anyone. The best you can hope for is to sort of guide them in a direction that will hopefully lead to realization.
Of course, that is in the context of a non-crisis situation. Crisis situations are different and not really relevant in the context of willingly seeking help on your own.
Fear is often fueled by the unknown. One of the ways you can push back against the fear is to familiarize yourself with the policies of the facility where you would be talking to the professional. Every place I’ve been to has provided paperwork that outlined patient rights, expectations, and some relevant systems. Simply go in and ask the receptionist for copies of that paperwork to review.
Don’t let a fear of the unknown or thinking that your problems aren’t severe enough prevent you from talking to a qualified professional about them. It would be better if more people did talk about their issues sooner. Maybe then they could be intercepted before those issues explode into full-blown crises or drastic situations.
Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you are having a rough time. It can make a tremendous difference.
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A mental illness diagnosis can be a frightening experience. I’ve talked to quite a few people who are newly diagnosed and utterly terrified about what it means for their future. There are numerous ways to go about managing mental illness and living a gainful, meaningful life. The problem is that we are all individuals, with our own opinions on what will and won’t work for us, what we are and are not willing to try.
Mental illness is very disruptive to our emotions and perspective. Many of us are diagnosed around a time of great instability due to unwellness. Mental illness can take those fears and twist them drastically out of proportion. Don’t listen to those fears. Stick to the path that will get you professional help.
In the US, that can mean an initial appointment and then a meeting with a psychiatrist three to six weeks later. It is really easy to convince yourself that you may not actually need the appointment while waiting for it. Fear, doubt, irrationality, or a rationalization of recent circumstances can all contribute to a decision to avoid the appointment. If you’re in this position, just stay focused on getting to that appointment.
The best way to set yourself up for success is to start figuring out how your mental illness affects you specifically. The same mental illnesses can look drastically different from person to person. It can be really difficult to see unless you understand what the symptoms actually look like. This is a major problem in a lot of books and content you will run into. Most of it is created through the filter of the way the creator experiences or perceives mental illness. That is not to suggest that it is not valuable, because it is. You just need to take any information you consume with a grain of salt because it may not apply to you.
I highly recommend visiting a counselor with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy experience with the goals of learning about the functionality of your diagnosis, exploring your history, and exploring who you are currently. Their experience and clinical knowledge can help you build the foundation for long-term recovery. I personally believe that anyone would benefit from really exploring and working to understand why they are the person that they are. Developing self-awareness can help you find your way in the organized chaos that life can be.
The best thing about diagnosis is that it is the start of the establishment of control over the chaotic, destructive force that is mental illness. The decisions on how to go about building that control are best made with the assistance of a qualified mental health professional. Ask questions when you have them. If you don’t understand, ask more questions. Building your knowledge will help you keep track of what does and does not work for you.
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t experience immediate results. The pursuit of mental wellness is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time and patience. I know, I know. “I’m not a patient person!” Well, then you can look forward to developing a new skill, because it is a requirement. It takes time to learn. It takes time to see if and how medication works. It takes time to pick through and understand the damage that mental illness has done to your life. It takes time to fix it.
A diagnosis is not a death sentence. It is the start of a new chapter of your life, hopefully the beginning of something much better for you.
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This is pretty much just going to be an update post on the direction I’ve been contemplating for myself and body of work.
It’s coming up on the four years anniversary since I launched my website and began my advocacy work. Every year, around this time, I contemplate the past year and how I want to advance my missions in the coming year. I used year too many times in that sentence, but screw it I’m leaving it.
The first point is a slight change in the way I deliver my message. The only real critical criticism I’ve ever received on my body of work is my casual swearing. I opted to preserve that tone of speech in the hopes of breaking through to other people like me who are turned off by the sterile nature of a lot of mental health material. I felt that preserving my authentic language of anger and frustration would help others who are of similar mentality to identify and hopefully take action.
I’ve finally decided to change that, except when I’m writing examples of unwellness. I feel it is super important to preserve the tone and feeling of what unwellness cycles can look like, because they can be very brutal.
Simply put, I feel the decision is hurting more than helping. While I, personally, think the idea of bad words is stupid and ridiculous. My opinion isn’t the one that really matters here. Writers and other artists often push the importance of staying true to your own voice of expression. My voice of expression isn’t what’s important to me. What’s important to me is reaching people and ensuring they are receiving quality, actionable information. If that takes a hard approach, that’s what I use. If it takes a soft approach, that’s what I use.
It really doesn’t matter to me either way because my work isn’t really about what I need to express about myself. I don’t NEED to express any of this really. I’m expressing it solely for the benefit of other people. But I’ve come to find that there are several regular or high-functioning people who just see it as a demonstration of undirected anger and instability. I’m not either of those things, but that really doesn’t mean squat if that’s how I’m being perceived.
It would be really stupid for me to hamstring my efforts just because I feel like that particular social standard is idiotic. (So, you were half-right, mom. Half a point to you on this issue.) I mean, it’s not exceptionally hard to make “good” words bite the same way. You just have to know your audience and which buttons to push. But, I feel like I’m never going to push to the next tier of scope unless I do it in a more socially acceptable way.
The next announcement is a change in how I do what I do. I have decided to pursue the angle of establishing a one man limited liability corporation, branding myself as a “Bipolar Coach”, and pushing towards a profitable model that will allow me to turn this passion into my career and discontinue the need for donations. This seems to be the best path for legal, personal, and profit driven reasons.
It’s been challenging trying to find a model that will work for me. I’ve read hundreds of page on Coaching models in the past six months and none of them really fit what I do and want to accomplish. I believe I will be creating some form of priority-based model. I am still clinging very tightly to a promise I made myself when I first started writing my Bipolar Manifesto.
That promise was to ensure that anyone, regardless of economic situation or belief, could have equal access to quality, actionable information to better understand and deal with their mental illness.
This is a contributing reason to why I utilize Amazon for distribution of my ebooks. Amazon allows me to offer them for free, periodically. And it’s the reason I’m heavily considering a priority-driven model.
So, what do I mean by priority? Well, A LOT of people send me emails and leave me blog comments. As anyone that has ever written to me will know, I make it a point to write meaningful answers to each and every one that does. That takes a fair amount of time.
At this point, when I take a day off from it I fall behind. A priority-driven model will simply allow me to slide the people who are willing to pay for my services to the front, rather than just saying “Oh, you can’t pay? Well, bye.” I’ve been regularly told that my service was well worth paying for; so I think this will let me whether or not that is true and still help people of very limited resources.
The other challenge is finding an appropriate price point. I looked at several other life coach-type service providers to see what they did. There is absolutely zero chance that I am going to charge people $50 for an email, $150 for a 30 minute phone consultation, or $400+ dollars for a monthly retainer. My target demographic are not primarily businesses and people with tons of disposable income.
My target demographic are regular people dealing with difficult circumstances; many of whom have very limited resources. I can’t imagine asking for more than a $100 a month retainer for unlimited emails and a Skype conversation.
Frankly, I didn’t even like a majority of the life coaches I looked at. “Unlock your inner potential!” “Attain spiritual peace!” “Heal your mental pains!” With their fake, plastic marketing-friendly smiles. (You can insert some expletives here, from me, if you’d like.) You know, this should really tell you something – doing marketing work has jaded me more than being mentally ill has. What’s up with that?
Anywho…
A further addition that will soon be coming to my website is a t-shirt shop that I intend to populate with funny and inspirational shirts. That will hopefully bring in a few additional dollars on top of services provided and ebook sales.
That provides another unique problem. When you think, “t-shirt from a business” you usually expect it to be branded with that business’s logo and be a marketing vehicle. I can’t do that with my offering because branding “Bipolar” on them could most certainly prevent people from buying them or causing customers uncomfortable conversations that they don’t want to have with relative strangers; or strange relatives, as the case may be.
I will offer a few, I think. And some awareness oriented shirts. But by and large, I can’t see actually branding them in a traditional way being good for my customers and followers.
Anyway. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve actually done a focused fund drive. I believe I will be running a GoFundMe campaign within the next couple of weeks to defray some of the costs associated with the direction I want to take my work. I hope you will consider contributing if it is within your means.
Thank you all for your support and for reading my work. I’m excited for this new direction and hope it will provide me the means, resources, and time to help more people understand, cope with, and overcome mental illness.
I know there are many people out there from a lot of different backgrounds and professions; so if you have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to drop me a comment or message.
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Labels, labels, labels. There is an unending narrative on how bad labels are. We shouldn’t label people, we shouldn’t be judgmental. We should just accept people how they are.
Contrary to that opinion, labels are pretty important, especially when it comes to identifying, treating, and recovering from mental illness.
The most common example I can cite is the misdiagnosis of Bipolar Disorder as Major Depression. The distinction between these labels is vitally important. Why? Because if a doctor treats a Bipolar person as though they had Major Depression, there is a strong chance that person’s brain is going to run screaming into instability and chaos. How can people know which is which? By looking at the label and analyzing the behaviors of the person in question.
Time and again, I hear people scream about how the DSM is awful because it tries to categorize mental illness. “I’m not my mental illness!” “I can’t be defined by a book!” This narrative misses the point. It’s so medical science is on the same page in how they are working towards treatment.
“But these labels are used for people to point the finger and look down on us!” So? If it wasn’t your mental health; it would be your sex, religion, race, economic background, or political background. I don’t know when the last time you cracked a history book was; but humanity has always found reasons to hate and look down on one another. The idea that we can all get along, all be accepted, is ridiculous. There are literally tens of thousands of years of precedence that demonstrate this.
The world can’t be changed because it does not want to be changed. This is why we celebrate great and kind thinkers. This is why we quote Gandhi, Dr. King, Mother Teresa, and other humanitarians. They stand out because they are a light in the bleak sea that is humanity.
What we can do is change the way we view others and relate to ourselves. It’s not the label that is trying to do harm to another person when used in anger. It’s the person using it. Forcing people to stop using a word we don’t like does nothing to address the actual problem of the person using it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by other Bipolar people that I shouldn’t say “I am Bipolar.” Even though “am” includes the definition of “having the quality of,” as in having the quality of Bipolar Disorder. These people are often struggling to find their own identity, to separate themselves from their mental illness. Quite often, they have life experiences where those words were used as weapons against them. They think they are helping to end stigma by trying to alter the words people use. And more than a couple of them expressed I would feel better about myself if I did.
The assumption is that because I use a phrase, I must not feel good about myself. That isn’t about me. I know they are transposing their own journey, suffering, and pain on to me. I think they normally have good, if not misguided intentions.
I’m at peace with myself because I understand myself. I don’t have the internal conflicts that racked up massive casualties in my mind like I used to. I understand Bipolar Disorder. I understand how my mental illness affects me. I know how to respond to the problems it gives me. And I use my pain for something positive, which makes it worthwhile in my eyes.
So, no. We are not our mental illness. Our mental illness is just one facet of who we are. Putting the responsibility of our own happiness and peace of mind on everyone else is a sure recipe for failure. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else.
The final thing I would like to point is that the waters are typically gray and murky around these labels. Many of the loved ones of the mentally ill that reach out to me believe that they can look at the label for a mental illness and understand how that person functions.
Sort of, but not really. Essentially, it can serve as a rule of thumb for what the person could possibly experience; but the way it comes through is going to entirely depend on the mentally ill person. It’s a circumstance where things look one way on paper but function differently in practice.
As an example. The difference between Type 1 and Type 2 Bipolar Disorder is psychosis. I identify as a Type 2 Bipolar because 99% of my unwellness and unwell cycles have not included psychosis. However, the time immediately after the Disorder started emerging in me and the time that actually prompted me to get screened for mental illness would have fit Type 1 psychosis criteria.
Similarly, I had a full-blown anxiety attack while I was coming down with the stomach bug I recently got over. I’ve had about 3 full-blown anxiety attacks in the past 20 years. Would that qualify as an anxiety disorder? No. It’s not really affecting me enough to warrant the need for medication or therapy to cope with it. Anxiety attacks are an anomaly for me.
I regularly see people put more importance on Type than is warranted. It’s not really that important because the DSM is mostly a general guideline to get a medical professional in the ballpark. Medication and treatment addresses the symptoms of mental illness that are out of control in an individual.
Let me give you an example.
The first is myself. I’m a Type 2 Bipolar with a severe Depression component. I spend probably 80% of my time in some form of depression – mild to severe. A mood stabilizer to cap the top end and an antidepressant to bring up the bottom end is a typical treatment.
On the other hand, I have a friend who is also a Type 2. But the way that person’s Disorder manifests is that they spend 80%+ of their time either fine or mildly escalated. The only time that person really swings into a depression is after a post escalation crash, which happens about once or twice a year. For that person, a mood stabilizer makes sense but an antidepressant may not be necessary.
We both have the same diagnosis but the Disorder functions differently in practice. We both require different treatment regimens to address the problems Bipolar Disorder specifically causes.
This why it is so important that we understand how our diagnosis and mental illness affects us as individuals. We each need to find our own peace with the circumstances we were given and not require others to feel good about ourselves. A lot of fear can be dispelled with knowledge. Each of us should learn everything we can about the Disorder so we can identify how it manifests and meaningfully communicate that to our professionals and loved ones.
As for labels used as weapons – shrug and move on. They only have power if you let them bother you. Responding with anger just feeds the ego of the person using it and gives them control over your emotional state.
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This post was inspired by an off-handed comment made by a Bipolar woman I know. I hope this perspective can help you see yourself in a more positive light.
We Bipolars are no strangers to screwing up and destroying the things we care most about. Behind each of us is a trail of ashes, shattered dreams, and broken relationships. The way you look at those things is important. I’ve talked to many Bipolar and Depressive people who shoulder the blame entirely. They feel that since they couldn’t control themselves in a moment of “weakness”; that they are only to blame for the situation. They shoulder the responsibility and do not want to use their illness as an excuse.
There is a problem with that. Let’s say you break your arm. The cause of the broken arm is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you did it to yourself out of stupidity or if it was an accident by someone else. The bottom line, you have a broken arm and you’re not going to be doing any heavy lifting with it until it heals. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it, the circumstances, how pissed off, sad, or judgmental other people may get about it; your arm is presently not working correctly.
An unwell cycle is the same. An unwell cycle means your brain is not working the way it should be. You’re sick and your decisions will be tainted by that sickness. How is a Bipolar person supposed to make decisions with clarity when their mind is feeding them misinformation about the world around them, their feelings, and their lives? Is it fair to hold yourself to the same standards that you would a normal person even though you have a “broken arm” at the time?
We wind up getting assigned or assigning ourselves the shitty labels of society for our actions. Are they deserved? Let’s look at an example…
A devoted Bipolar husband is faithful to his wife for 8 years. He loses his job, money and stress become an issue, his mind takes off into a manic cycle. His Bipolar brain concludes that the arguing is because his wife hates him and is preparing to leave him. His emotions are distorted due to the Disorder and that devoted love flips to smoldering hate. He walks out the front door and shacks up with another woman.
Eventually, his brain crashes and corrects. His thoughts are now clear and he can see the situation for what it is. His wife didn’t hate him, their arguments stemmed from the lack of income, a common stress in relationships. The husband’s emotions are snapped back to what they were before he swung unwell because that is the real him. The devoted, faithful husband who walked out on and cheated on his wife is back to being the devoted, faithful husband.
A common statement is that the husband had a choice. That’s absolutely true. He did have a choice. But how hard was it to make that choice? You don’t believe things when you’re unwell, you KNOW things with the same kind of ferocity and fervor that you know you love your mother (assuming you do, fill in someone that doesn’t suck if yours blows). He didn’t think his wife was planning to leave, he KNEW. And that knowledge fueled his rage and hate which made it even harder for him to make the right decision.
So where does that leave the couple? The husband’s perception of himself? The wife’s perception of him? Any family members or friends that happened to be privy to what was going on?
Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife when in actuality, the husband probably needs it more. He just ripped up and destroyed a core tenet of who he was, hurt the woman he was devoted to in a way that can never truly be repaired, and now everyone that doesn’t understand the Disorder thinks he’s an asshole. But he’s not an asshole. His brain was broken and not working correctly at the time. The wife knows he’s not an asshole because she knows there’s a difference between the loving man that she married and the stranger he becomes. It may or may not make it any easier to swallow the situation; that is really dependent on the individual.
Is it a reason or an excuse? Are you using the Disorder as a reason or an excuse?
Ideally, he would confess to his actions and do what needed to be done to repair the relationship. Sick or not, the onus is on each of us to take responsibility for our unwell actions and try to make it up to the people we damage in our wellness. Some people can forgive and move past it, others cannot.
Is it fair for the husband to think of himself as a betrayer and adulterer? I don’t believe so, even though he had an affair. What happens if you remove Bipolar Disorder from the equation? What are you left with? You’re left with a loving, devoted husband who would have not had that affair if it weren’t for that unwell cycle. Had he been “normal”, it would have just been marital stress and a spat that had needed resolved.
Once you add back in the Disorder, the metaphorical “broken arm”, now his actions take on a different meaning than what you would hold a normal person to.
And I can hear it now, “What about the wife? What about her feelings on the situation?” It’s not my place to tell someone how to feel about a situation, so I do not. I wouldn’t tell her that she should just get over it or even forgive him, because that’s not my decision to make. I don’t know her emotional tolerances, what she’s willing to shoulder, what she’s willing to try to work through. She has to decide that for herself. She is entitled to feel whatever she feels and it should be dealt with in a way that makes sense for the couple; not to everyone that has an opinion based on their stereotyped perceptions of “correct”.
Many of us Bipolars and Depressives have poor opinions of ourselves because of our long lists of failures. I was no different for a long time. I saw very little positive about myself though plenty of people tried to show me otherwise. After I was diagnosed, I was able to objectively look at my history, actions, and path in life. I came to realize that I wasn’t all of those negative things I thought I was because I wasn’t like that when I was balanced. It was only when I was unbalanced did things really come off the rails.
I know that’s a narrative a lot of Bipolar people out there face as well. They haven’t learned to see who they really are versus who they are while unwell. The person may think they are unlovable, unworthy, irresponsible, hateful, unfaithful, or just plain old crazy. But what happens if you set aside the mental illness? Who are you when you’re balanced? Do you even know? Or have you been dealing with it for so long that you don’t really know who that person is?
You are not your illness. You are not the walls you had to build to minimize the damage of the Disorder. Somewhere behind the Disorder and the walls is a person smothered by the weight of the illness and the pain it created in your life. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little leeway when the Disorder fucks things up for you. No one will ever get it 100% right. Most people won’t get it or “understand” our personal circumstances even if they want to; that’s just something we have to come to terms with. It doesn’t mean everyone won’t though.
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I typically don’t pay much attention to pop culture or celebrity garbage, mostly because I don’t care about it; but my eye is usually caught when mental illness comes into play. I’m always interested in the way the public perceives the person’s behavior as they are exhibiting their instabilities. Charlie Sheen was a good example. I would have bet money he was screaming through a Bipolar manic cycle when he was coming unhinged and lost his contract for Two and a Half Men. Many folks argued it was cocaine, which is a valid point if not for the length of time it ran. You would have to do a ton of cocaine to maintain that kind of pace for that length of time.
Amanda Bynes was recently trending due to the actions of her mother, Lynn, who pursued a temporary conservatorship over Amanda and won. Now, her mother has taken her off all of the psych medications she had been on for the past 9 months or so because “she hasn’t had an episode since”. The mother now claims that Amanda does not have a serious mental illness, even though she was placed on an LPS Hold which requires doctors to show evidence of grave disability as the result of mental illness or chronic alcoholism.
The basis of this move- she’s not mentally ill, it was marijuana that did it to her. If you’ve ever smoked or associated with people who smoked pot- please use this time to get the laughter and disbelief out of your system. I’ll wait.
You good? Cool.
Not only is it a great example of ignorance of mental illness; it’s a great example of the 1980’s Public Service Announcement misinformation mentality about drugs.
Yes, certain drugs can have a negative affect on people with mental illness.
But I have to say that of the hundreds of times in my life that I’ve smoked pot, hung out with several people that smoked pot, and been a third party witness to pot-smoking shenanigans; nobody ever thought it was a good idea to set fire to a neighbor’s driveway with gasoline, strip off their pants because they were on fire, retrieve their now gasoline soaked Pomeranian, run to a liquor store to the backroom to wash it off in their sink, and have a melt down when confronted by the employees which resulted in an arrest.
That’s wayyyyy too much activity for someone who was supposedly under heavy influence of pot.
Some have posited that removing her from psych meds and claiming it was pot is a form of damage control. I don’t think her mother is stupid; just ignorant. I don’t think that her or her lawyers would be dumb enough to think you could “damage control” 4 years of drastic instability that even had Courtney Love of all people tweeting to her to “Get it together girl”. When Courtney Love acknowledges that you have a problem- you have a fucking problem.
And this long ass intro leads into the point of this post. What I’m seeing from her mother is something I see on a regular basis from the loved ones of folks with mental illness. It’s often just related from the mentally ill person rather than the third party.
It centers around that person’s inability to accept their own perceived “failures”. You take a mother who loves her daughter, has had pretty significant difficulties in her life over 30 years or so, but she loves her unconditionally and does everything she can to create a better life for her. Now, you reveal that the daughter has been hiding some pretty significant behaviors from her mother for a long time. Cutting, drinking too much to cope, drugs, reckless behavior, maybe even a suicide attempt or two. The daughter gets worse with age to the point where her quieter behavior suddenly starts getting much louder. Now she’s getting hauled in by the cops, setting fires, doing the insane shit that severely mentally ill people do.
What goes on in the mother’s mind? Some parents are able to adapt and help. Others can’t. They would “know” if their child was mentally ill. They did everything in their power to make sure that child was taken care of and had opportunities in their life; so they couldn’t possibly have a mental illness. Acknowledging that their child has a mental illness is a blow to them as a person because it’s easy to perceive it as them failing their child. How could someone you love miss something that important and major? Well; it’s pretty simple actually. It’s not like everyone is walking around with a PhD in psychology or anything.
And in Amanda’s case; she was successful. A multimillionaire and retired by 26, as she said. So in her mother’s mind; it couldn’t possibly be Amanda’s mental health that was exploding. No, it must have been the pot even though there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Mental illness doesn’t care about how wealthy you are. It’ll tear down a wealthy person just as easily as a poor person. But her mother is ignoring all of the evidence supporting mental illness and taking her off a medication cocktail that is commonly used for schizophrenia.
I’d give her less than six months to have another psychotic episode if she sticks to this course of action.
Pride has no place in this struggle. Whether you’re a supporter or mentally ill; pride is an enemy. We must all understand that we can fuck things up. Pride prevents apologies, it prevents acceptance, it prevents progress.
If I’m right about her mother’s mindset; her pride is undermining Amanda’s mental wellness. Is the daughter going to listen to her mother or her doctors? Many people would trust their mother more and wind up screwed for an even longer period of time. Who knows how long her mother’s decision is going to set back her mental wellness? It could be years. Or maybe Amanda will remember how much better she felt on the meds and get back on them soonish. Who knows?
If you are in a similar situation or were handed this article by someone; it’s not your fault or any kind of knock on you as a person if you missed a mental illness. Lots of people don’t understand or “get it”. It’s no flaw to have not understood what your loved one was going through.
What is a flaw is a refusal to acknowledge the evidence that supports it when it’s staring you in the face. That refusal can fuck your loved one over far into the future. The past is done. Help your loved one reach a better, saner future for themselves.
And regardless of the position you are in; educate yourself on the claims being made about the person in your life. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to who are diagnosed Bipolar that couldn’t tell me what Bipolar Disorder is. How the hell are you supposed to help yourself or anyone else if you don’t understand what the claims are? It doesn’t matter if you’re the loved one or the mentally ill one; educate yourself!
I get asked constantly “what books do you recommend?” and my answer is always the same- “All of them.” Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Mental illness is an intensely personal experience. If you’re Bipolar, you can read a book about another Bipolar person that has no relation to how you experience the Disorder. Now you’re questioning if that’s actually the case when the next book may have struck home for you. Read everything you can get your hands on. That way you’ll have a much better idea of how to help your loved one or help yourself.
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Today’s article is going to be a bit different and drawn from a reemerging topic. Trends are a flyin’ because of a recent celebrity statement from Kristin Cavallari about her concerns that vaccines cause autism. You may or may not remember that this belief was originally championed by the illustrious Jenny McCarthy. But this is not a trash article on Kristin or Jenny; it instead serves to reinforce a point I harp endlessly about.
To get to that point we must ask the question, “Where did this connection between the MMR vaccination and autism come from?”
In 1998, the medical journal The Lancet published a research paper that supported the connection between the MMR vaccine, autism, and colitis. The media, of course, had a field day in promoting this belief far and wide to the point that celebrities like McCarthy picked up on it as well. And really, it’s understandable. My son and I are both high-functioning autistic and it’s easy to see in relatives that came before me. You have this incredibly damaging disorder that isn’t well understood and people need a place to point the finger.
The problem was with the bearer of the report. Science is subject to constant review and rechecking. Some interesting things about Dr. Andrew Wakefield, the primary author of the report, began to come to light. Such as- being connected to a lawsuit linked to the study in which he received payment to “find” a link.
The Lancet retracted the report, a rare action since the foundation of the medical journal in 1823. All of the co-authors of the report withdrew their names from it as they stated Wakefield misrepresented the information they had contributed. Further investigation revealed that Wakefield had other conflicts of interest, misrepresented research and data, and was tied to other breaches of the ethical code.
Wakefield was stripped from the Medical Register by the General Medical Council for gross professional misconduct; removing his ability to practice medicine.
The initial story of the link spread far and wide, quickly by a media looking to drive ratings. In the UK, MMR vaccinations dropped like a rock, autism rates didn’t change, but measles and mumps started to make a pretty significant comeback. Who knows how many families have suffered for this fucker’s greed. And we are still seeing the impact of it today.
So this ties into a couple of points I regularly harp about.
1. The fucking media man. They only care about marketing and selling ad space nowadays. Case in point; who gives two shits about Kristin Cavallari’s point of view on autism? But since she’s a celebrity we’ll give her air time EXACTLY THE SAME WAY we did with Jenny McCarthy about an unsubstantiated, completely discredited report written by a disgraced doctor. But fear keeps us tuning in.
2. Do you trust your Doctor? I don’t. I think my doctor is great but I don’t put blind faith in him. For all I know, he could be doing something similar to Wakefield. How many people do you know at your job (or past jobs) that were actually good at what they did? Even the people that have had in-depth training have opinions on how things should be done. I’ve met more than a couple who were going to do their job how they wanted and the hell with safety procedure.
And there are a lot of similar beliefs out there. “Big Pharma is the enemy!” Why? Because medicine is an inexact science and always has been? Everyone decries the progress on points like trying to find a cure for HIV and cancer while glossing over the fact that people regularly live to a 100 now because of medical science. But no, trot out any doctor like Wakefield to tell us all about what “Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know!” and shill their crap.
I’m not suggesting that you need to develop a doctorate of your own. I am suggesting that ignorance is often the difference between life and death. You need to truly understand what is going on with you. You need to stop placing blind faith in anyone. Ask questions, delve deeper, strive to understand why the shit is going down as it is so you can make better decisions for yourself and your loved ones.
Wakefield is an asshole whose bullshit potentially killed children. And here we sit with a reignited debate made by an off-hand comment from a celebrity over some shit that should have never been published in the first place. Good fucking game.
And there are plenty others like him out there.
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I cannot tell you how many times a week I get asked the title question- “do you think Bipolar relationships can work?” I can also tell you the numerous amount of criticisms and negativity that the people asking have read on other forums. “Bipolar? RUN!” “Never. Cut your losses and go.” “It’s hopeless.” Blah blah blah. You get the point.
That does not mean that the negative advice is necessarily wrong. There are absolutely times when a person should distance themselves from a toxic, mentally ill person. The problem is that I almost never hear context from the person asking or see context on some of the forums where I periodically lurk. What did that person do to warrant being discarded? I have no arguments if it’s justified. The reader doesn’t know and their situation doesn’t necessarily reflect the advice giver’s.
To answer the question- yes, they can work. Relationships between a normal and a Bipolar person or two Bipolar people can work. However (you were waiting for the but, weren’t you?); they have to be approached differently than you would approach a traditional relationship. There are things you would do in a normal relationship that are best avoided in a Bipolar one. And a Bipolar couple? Christ, sign me up! At least I would have a better grasp on her emotional processes because hey- I have similar ones.
I think the best approach is some ground rules so everyone is clear where the lines are.
1. Take the meds. If you’re going to stop, consult with your doctor first to do it safely.
2. Separate financial accounts. No cosigning. We don’t want to be cleaned out if you swing unwell.
3. Boundaries. Anything abusive will be reported to the authorities.
4. Partnership. As the person that spends more time around you than anyone; your partner can help you spot unwell periods if you actually listen to what they’re telling you.
As for the normals?
1. Don’t use unwell actions and thoughts against us in a petty way; such as throwing it in our face in an argument.
2. Please learn to forgive what you can. We will never get our management 100% right.
3. Don’t be subtle about our unwell periods if we’re missing it. The unwell brain will take it, twist it, chew it up, spit it out. Be direct.
4. Don’t assume we’re unwell because we’re sad or pissed off. If you see other symptoms; then worry. We can experience normal emotions too.
These are just a few basic points that I think can make relationships a whole lot smoother. You don’t want to get bogged down in legislation for a relationship; but you definitely want to have guidelines so everyone is clear on how things go.
But there is an unfortunate side to the equation. I also get asked, “How can I make my loved one understand?” Usually it comes from someone who is trying to get support or help from their partner but their partner has completely closed off to them. That’s usually not a good sign. It usually doesn’t take too many probing questions to see that their partner probably doesn’t give a shit. They would probably see that too if they weren’t the partner in question and having a difficult time. Ultimately, it takes two to make a relationship work. If the other person refuses to work on it or try to understand; then where does that really leave the relationship?
It kind of sucks that I find myself in the position to point out that the other person probably doesn’t give a shit; but I’m not here to tell people what they want to hear or instill false hope. The reality is that many of us are alone in our struggle for sanity even though we’re in a “relationship”. That is an incredibly unfortunate truth I have seen play out over and over again. Some partners have just been through too much to keep trying to push forward, they’re too damaged themselves, or they never cared in the first place.
Communication is an essential part of all relationships. I feel that it is even more important in a Bipolar relationship. The Bipolar party has to be able to hear what their partner is trying to get through to them. They have to accept that their perception and brain is periodically in the crapper. A Bipolar relationship cannot work with one partner telling the other “it’s your problem”. That’s fantastically stupid on so many levels. How is that person supposed to make sound decisions while their perceptions are skewed by an unwell cycle?
But even in normal relationships we don’t hear one another or even address what’s actually bothering us. We cover up the anger and frustration with a partner with bullshit distractions and pointless arguments. That approach simply won’t work if you want to make a Bipolar relationship successful.
You have to learn to shelf petty problems and deal with the real issues of the relationship before they explode in your face. If you can’t get past that, the relationship will be just another point on the leaderboard of losses we Bipolars have.
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Okay, just a quick announcement. I created myself a secondary admin account with just the name Dennis. I always meant to use only my name and no aliases with this website and project; but I’m a moron and initially set it up with my long-time handle of Grimm. So from here on out, expect to see me as Dennis instead…which should be obvious but hey.
* * * * *
As many of you folks know, I don’t typically just ramble a lot in these blog posts. I prefer to keep things useful. Today is going to be a bit different because I want to share with you all some of the goals I’m working towards with being Bipolar and putting the pieces of my existence back together.
I’ve mentioned many times that I want to work in Peer Support. For those of you that don’t know, Peer Support utilizes people that have recovered from mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction who are then trained and put to work helping people still on that road. Part of the reason I started this website in the first place was to demonstrate to a potential future employer my dedication to this cause. I’ve put many loving hours into creating this content, answering your comments, and emails. And let me tell you- I am so appreciative of those of you that have extended your trust to me with some of the difficulties you’ve faced- whether you be the loved one of or a person with mental illness yourself.
The interview I had today was with a gentleman with a Non-Profit that was about an hour and a half of general discussion about mental health, my opinions, my views, and so on. It is my hope to land a paying position doing this type of work so that I can devote more of my time and energy to it without having to work a “normal” job- if you can consider freelance marketing/writing normal!
I hope to mesh well if I am picked up by this NPO. I realize I’m going to have to adopt a more public friendly presentation as a representative of any company really. I may have had a couple dozen jobs; but I tried hard to do the best for who I worked for until my brain exploded. One sticking point for a lot of people is cursing. I’ve been advised- pretty much only by my mother- that I should curb that in these posts to make them friendlier and more appealing. The fact of the matter is I use it judiciously when it will make the most impact to the reader. I use it as a way to make things stand out starkly so the reader understands you’re entering new territory. And periodically just because that’s how I speak and I don’t believe in “bad words”. The intention behind its use is what makes it bad or not.
Probably the best example is the way I explain how manic thinking can run away from an unwell Bipolar. “Why isn’t she picking up her phone or answering? I texted three times, called twice. What is she doing? I bet she’s fucking someone else. That bitch is always fucking checking out my friend. I’m going to cut them both to pieces!”
And one thing I see from normals a lot is the desire to sugarcoat mental illness. But it’s not soft or easy. It’s violent, destructive, and painful not only for the person suffering it but for their loved ones. Frankly, if the word fuck or being called a cocksucker bothers you- you’re going to have a hell of a time dealing with the strange and dark shit that is just a normal part of being mentally ill. I never want the people I deal with to hide that from me. I always want them to speak exactly what’s on their mind no matter how dark, profanity laden, or painful it may be. When I’m dealing with someone, I NEED to know what’s going on in their mind so I can formulate an appropriate strategy and possibly pick up on things that others missed- which has happened on more than a few occasions.
So yeah. It’s a strange line to try and walk. On the one hand, I want to enter a professional environment. On the other hand, I’m not a professional. I’m a recovered mental patient who could have just as easily wound up dead in the ghetto. No matter where my goals and journey into the professional world take me; I don’t ever want to lose that perspective. I feel that perspective is why people open up to me.
Today, I also got to discuss a couple of projects and things I’ve been working on that I don’t think I’ve really mentioned to you all. So I figure now is as good of a time as any to tease them.
1. First E-Book is in progress! I’ve had a lot of folks ask me if I ever thought about writing a book and trying to get published. The answer to that used to be yes. I have since decided that I do not want to go that route. I will offer my E-Book(s) through my website (and whatever other electronic mediums I can) on a “Pay What You Want” format. Visitors will be able to download the works for free and contribute if they want to (or are able). I know from personal experience that being nuts makes one very broke.
My first work is Friendships and Relationships with Bipolars (working title; I realize it sucks). I’m about 60 pages in on my first draft at the moment. My goal with it is to enable Bipolars to better communicate to their loved ones what’s going on and how to help them; and give sort of a guide book to interpreting the actions and thought processes of Bipolars for normals. No idea how long it’ll end up. I write things until they’re done. Not a word more, not a word less. Probably going to be a few months.
2. Forex! What is forex you ask? Foreign Currency Exchange. It is the market in which currencies change hands between banks, governments, traders, and all manners of individuals. I came across forex trading about two years ago when a client of mine asked me to write a bunch of economics articles for him. I soon recognized the potential. It is a discipline that only takes a few bucks to get started. You can learn everything relating to trading for free. And strategies range from overly complex to relatively simple.
The strategy I settled on is fairly simple. It’s mostly pattern recognition and comparing certain market conditions. I have an 8 point checklist where if all of them come up then I know there is a profitable opportunity to trade. My hope is to boil this down to a simple system and provide it as a master document to people interested in learning. It’s by no means a get rich quick thing. It requires work to do well at. But, it is VERY accessible and could easily be learned by folks with physical disabilities, senior citizens, or people like me who have recovered.
Money is power after all. Everyone deserves to be able to afford their meds and food. And when I lived in the ghetto, I met many people that were trapped in poverty. Welfare doesn’t pay enough to provide the means to get out of it and there isn’t enough well paying jobs that are accessible to the lower educated. I think forex can make the lives of quite a few people much better and empower them. Just going to take some work to make it accessible.
So yeah, that’s just a bit about what’s been on my mind and my plans moving forward. Regardless of whether I do get picked up by this NPO; I will continue to work on this website and answer all of your comments and emails as I get them. I’ve had the privilege of meeting a lot of great, interesting people since I started this website. 🙂 Thank you for being a part of it.
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Being the friend or loved one of a person with mental illness is extremely difficult. Normals are used to dealing with typical emotions and thought processes from a well-minded perspective. I find that they assume that the mentally ill person in their life should follow similar thought processes. Confusion and hurt feelings is the general result as the mentally ill person’s mind acts in unfamiliar ways. So let’s talk about a few things that will help normal minded people interpret these thought processes more efficiently.
– Don’t jump to conclusions until you know all of the facts.
Facts are the most important tool in dealing with mood disorders (and several mental illnesses). If you don’t have a factual reason to reach a conclusion; then don’t jump to it. Let’s say a mentally unwell friend ceases communication one day. They aren’t responding to texts or phone calls and you don’t know what to think. What conclusion do you draw from that? Is the person in crisis? Or did they just accidentally drop their phone in the toilet? Don’t spend days wondering and letting that stress eat you up. Stop by their house or get in touch with a mutual friend to see what’s going on. Get to the facts of the situation. Your stress will go down a lot.
– Not every contrary action indicates a potential unwell period.
Unwell periods happen. It is important to remember that the mentally ill person in your life is still a person. They do still have regular thoughts, feelings, passions, and annoyances. If they get angry about something; it doesn’t necessarily mean they are getting unstable. Ladies- it would be the same thing as your getting upset about something and a guy asking you if you’re PMSy. You don’t have to be chemically imbalanced to angry or sad about something. What you actually want to look for is irrational thinking. If a person’s words or emotions aren’t fitting a rational narrative then one should consider their potential unwellness. “Fuck, I hate my coworker!” (Rational) vs “Fuck, I hate my coworker! I’m going to go wait for him until he gets off work!” (Irrational)
– Not every suicidal or self-destructive thought is cause for emergency.
I understand the point of the medical profession that every suicidal thought or self-destructive action should be treated with the utmost seriousness. But alerting authorities every time? If someone had done that to me every time I had a dark shift I would still be hospitalized. The fact of the matter is; we nutcases deal with self-destructive, suicidal, and self-harm thoughts on a pretty regular basis. If a person is voicing threats and is clearly unstable- by all means get authorities involved. But a person who is just expressing some dark thoughts- well that’s the kind of thing I would be inclined just to listen to. You can prevent a lot by just being present. I understand the need to ensure nothing negative happens; but that help isn’t free. Sinking someone 4,000 in debt from a half day hospital stay where they do absolutely nothing for you isn’t going to help the person at all. And yes, that shit happens regularly.
– We do not expect you to have all of the answers.
A mentally ill person that confides in you may not be looking for answers at all. In many cases, we know that you don’t have any answers. We are just trying to get some of this shit out of minds and try to let someone else in. Your response can either open the way further or close it back up tight. In the event that the person actually is looking for an answer that you don’t know, just say “I don’t know off the top of my head, but we can look for it if you want.” There’s a lot of quality information on the internet but you sometimes have to really dig for it. Or hell, if you’re reading this you pretty much know where to find me. Leave a comment, send me an email. If I know I’ll be glad to share it with you. But you will find, more often than not, the person is just trying to express some of what is going on in their mind.
– Counter hopelessness with knowledge and understanding.
There will eventually come a time when you are faced with your loved one being hopeless about their life and situation. Being mentally ill is not a death sentence or condemnation to a shitty life. Yes, our challenges are complicated. Yes, it’s not fucking pleasant at all quite a lot of the time. Many of us can live productive lives with self-management, medication, and hard work. A person dealing with a massive downswing in their mentality is stuck in the right now. The way to move them past that is to get their focus shifted towards their future. Remind them- “You can be well. You may not have a typical life, but it can be good. We just have to keep working towards it together.”
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