Category: Self-Help

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Is There Hope?

Is there hope?

It’s a question that’s come up numerous times since I started on this journey, although the question is rarely that literal. I find it’s what many people who are lost, suffering, or confused are looking for. They’re looking for some tangible anchor to tether onto, some sign that whatever they are going through will end, and that they will come out better on the other side of whatever challenge they are facing.

I have a difficult, strained relationship with hope. You see, I never really experienced the emotional load that comes with hope until I was 29 years old, sitting in a Licensed Clinical Social Worker’s office, being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I experienced hope because this person could see something in me that I could not. Diagnosis gave a name to what had been plaguing me since I was a teenager. I remember thinking maybe this is the reason I couldn’t hold job consistently, kept blowing up relationships, kept having such strange thoughts and feelings. If my problem had a name, then I could understand it and find a way to overcome it.

I distinctly remember the feeling because it was so foreign. I had never felt hope before. I had never really experienced the shift in mentality and warmth that hope provided. But you know what I had experienced by then?

Hopelessness. So much hopelessness. I never looked forward to my future. I always assumed I would end up killing myself by 30 at the latest. I had lost two people I cared about, one to homicide and one to overdose, and witnessed the fallout from a relatively close point of view. I had experienced living in poverty. There’s a thing about poverty that I feel like is never communicated well in the depictions I see of it – the weight of hopelessness.

I distinctly remember how heavy everything felt, like each and every person that understood how screwed they were were like Atlas, bearing the weight of the sky on their shoulders. I’ve never been able to see or feel that heaviness in media depictions of poverty, whether it’s on your nightly news or some fictional story.

And I think it’s those experiences, combined with my own Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder, that makes me hate false, superficial hope so intensely.

“Hate, Dennis? That’s a strong word. Are you sure you mean hate?”

Fuck yes! It took me years to unwind the visceral, gut reaction of anger that resulted from bromides like, “It’ll get better!”, “You just have to have faith!”, and “People care about you!” Because none of those things that I perceived to be superficial bullshit ever made me feel as though as it were true. None of those things really eased the crushing weight I felt on my own shoulders. It all sounded like so much pandering nonsense.

But, after entering the advocacy or activist space, whatever you want to call it, I came to realize that this perspective was off and I was judging the people who made these statements far too harshly. You see, when I really started taking my blogging and work seriously, I quietly promised myself that I would not rely on superficial or false hope. I would make every effort to find sources of real, tangible, actionable hope to offer.

I was nowhere near close to understanding how fucking difficult that would turn out to be. Not only do you have the anger, fear, and alienation of many mentally ill people towards the mental health industry and society to contend with, a lot of it filled with misinformation and manipulation, there’s also the near infinite number of perspectives in people who are receptive, some fueled by mental illness, others fueled by what people believe and how they’ve experienced their lives. Each and every person is their own individual jigsaw puzzle composed of a billion small pieces, all of them sky blue with no corners to start from. (Yeah, that’s right. I used a jigsaw puzzle analogy. …do people still do jigsaw puzzles? Hm. Anyway…)

I do not believe that hope is as strong or powerful as it is portrayed to be. My perspective on this shifted drastically after getting to know other activists with different perspectives and forming not quite personal, not quite professional friendships with mental health professionals and social workers involved in things like outreach.

I think hope is more like a match – you can strike it (inspiration) and it will create a light (hope), but the factors that contribute to hopelessness will, sooner or later, swallow the flame if it is not used to ignite a greater fuel source (a course of action that provides confidence through tangible progress).

I came to realize that a lot of people who are offering those words that made me feel so alienated weren’t doing it because they didn’t understand, it was because they do understand. They understand how difficult it is to not only strike the match, but get the actual fuel burning. From the start, in every conversation I’ve had with people, every support activity I’ve participated in, I look constantly for the tethers that the people I’m talking with can hold onto that will set their fuel ablaze.

But, sometimes, I just can’t see it. Sometimes all I can see is that person is going to need to have patience while things play out or come together. That is a difficult message to deliver to someone in a way that won’t send them crashing into the abyss or destabilizing.

Hope, like inspiration, is not something that will carry a person for a long time. And the process of confronting one’s problems and working to overcome them is not a fast process. It can take years. Personally, I feel like I’m more on a lifelong journey than anything else. Because every time I feel like I fix one thing and learn as much as I can about that, I see something else I can improve that will help bolster my overall wellness and well-being. I don’t know if it’s a process that will ever end for me. Maybe it will? I don’t know.

I’m writing this blog post because after a few recent series of conversations with different people, they all asked the exact same question – is there hope? And that’s a question that I can’t always answer. I have to say that in most situations I’ve been able to find reasonable, tangible anchors for people to hold onto. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it’s because I don’t know enough about the person to identify something tangible, other times it’s because I know the person is just trying to manipulate me by providing a fatalistic perspective that they are painting as hopeless to garner sympathy, and other times it’s because there is no other answer than needing to have patience while a situation runs its course.

Furthermore, the perspectives that a lot of people have about hope are just not rooted in reality, as mine weren’t at the start of my own journey. The perception, that came from somewhere and is often repeated, is that we mentally ill people can recover and live a life just like anybody else! Well, that’s sort of true. There are some people who reach that level of recovery. On the other hand, there are a lot more people that don’t – and it’s not that they don’t recover.

What I find to be more common is that through a lot of personal work, therapy, and meds, many recovered mentally ill people get their symptoms under control which allows them to conduct their life – but they still have to make allowances for dealing with their mental illnesses or traumas. We don’t necessarily live our lives like people who do not have this additional weight to carry, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that your life can’t be good, productive, or happy. It’s just different. It’s not what is advertised.

I don’t think I necessarily make a good example for mental health recovery because of another super common question I get – are you a happy person? That’s also a difficult question. And it’s difficult because “happy” is an emotion, and emotions come and go. My default state is not happy, so technically, no, I’m not really a happy person.

I’m more of a melancholy person who is able to experience happiness, which is a drastic improvement from the morbidly depressed and unstable person I was for a long time. I tend to think of myself as more of a peaceful person, that is, being largely at peace with who I am and my life thus far. I don’t think anyone would look at me and think, “That is a happy person.” I’m usually mired in my own thoughts and have whatever the male equivalent of resting bitch face is. Resting dick face? Mmm, no.

I would also consider myself an optimist though – because I do have hope for a lot of you and your loved ones – even if I can’t see it myself and still don’t feel right saying the words that contributed to making me feel so isolated and alone for such a long time, even if I have to sometimes say, “I don’t know.” If I didn’t, I would have gave this up a long time ago.

And, an additional note to the other content creators who read my work or who have some interest in trying to spur people to action – it works much better if you tie your message to a tangible action. The most common one I use is, “Have you talked to your doctor/counselor about this? That’s really something you need to explore with a certified professional.” It provides a safe course of action and a tangible anchor for people to tether to. I find a lot of people sit on the fence on whether they should or shouldn’t and often do need an affirmation that it’s the right course of action. Of course, that gets more complicated if the person has had bad experiences with the mental health industry, but that’s kind of outside of the scope of this post.

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The Most Ingredient Component of Compassion

In 2010, I started talking about my mental illness and path in life with other people. I have conversed with many people struggling with a number of different problems. I’ve spoken with several friends, family, and loved ones of mentally ill people who want to be compassionate and understanding to our challenges. The people who do well at it with least amount of emotional turmoil because of it share one important ingredient. Self-love.

The idea of selflessness is one that is heavily promoted and romanticized in our society because it is a beautiful ideal. You can look at anything from religious figures and icons, to movies featuring heroes and heroines willing to lay their life on the line for the cause, to questionable hero worship of people. Everyone who deigns to undertake some action of sacrifice is doing so for some reason in their own mind and soul.

“I felt like it was the right thing to do.” “I felt it was my duty.” “I’m doing this because I want to make a difference in the world.” “This is my calling…” “I believe in my heart…” All of these things have to do with the emotions and beliefs of the person expressing them. All of them. And I have crossed paths with so many people who think that by emotionally martyring themselves, they can somehow save another person. It doesn’t work that way. You can only assist someone in saving themselves.

I don’t believe that the romanticized version of selflessness that so many people seem to think is a good solution actually exists. And that’s why self-love is so important. Self-love allows you to see a situation more clearly. It helps you set boundaries that will keep you well and healthy. It helps you know when it is time to walk away from a situation, no matter how much you want to help. Self-love can also help you recognize relationships and friendships that you should not be in.

“I don’t care! I care about X more than myself!”

And that’s a problem. You just can’t do that and expect to come out of it unscathed. That’s not a mentality that will bear a healthy relationship with respected boundaries. Furthermore, someone that genuinely loved and cared about you wouldn’t want you destroying yourself for them. That all gets into much trickier territory when you’re talking about parental love or mental unwellness that is so severe that it’s really twisted the person’s perspective inside out.

Even in those situations, there does a come a time when one has to say enough is enough to ensure they can survive the situation intact. Love is not an infinite resource for many people. It’s something that has to be fed and nurtured to keep it healthy and strong. And that’s something that you need to do with yourself, just as much with the people you care about.

Parental love is different. I’ve met several parents who would sacrifice anything and everything to help their child – and quite a few that have. That includes wealth, property, and their own physical and mental health. But, again, you can’t save someone from themselves. Burning your own life and health to the ground will not help an adult child who refuses to help themselves.

And if you can’t see that for yourself or feel that your well-being is just as important as the object of your affection – that is something you should speak to a certified mental health counselor about. It may point to something in your own mind that needs to be sorted out so you can find more peace and happiness with yourself in addition to weathering whatever storm you are facing in your life.

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The Joys of Unexpected Events and Bipolar Disorder

The unexpected can easily threaten one’s stability and well-being when you are mentally ill. For the better part of January, I have been largely quiet on my blog. The reason is due to an unexpected circumstance that threatened an unwell cycle. Thanks to medication, practices I learned in therapy, and the knowledge I have built about how my mental illness affects me specifically, I was able to keep that stress from exploding into a full-blown unwell cycle.

The benefit of psych medication, for me, is that it prevents Bipolar Disorder from pulling my mind out into extremes. There are times when I feel like my brain is trying to escalate or crash into depression but it just hits a metaphorical wall and won’t go any further than that. But it does still like to hang out in those more troublesome areas where greater volatility can further threaten my stability.

And that’s where practices I learned in therapy and on my own come into play.

I think most people can agree that the more you dwell on a matter, the greater power you give it to affect you. In dealing with a mood disorder, dwelling on stresses, emotions, and other troubling circumstances not only fans the flames, but throws more fuel on them so they just burn brighter.

I strive to limit the amount of attention I give to circumstances that are beyond my control. In this case, I was unenrolled from a program that was paying my Medicare premiums about three months ago, but they did not actually adjust what I was receiving from Disability. I received no notification that this was happening, for whatever reason. I found this out when the government reclaimed those funds through a deduction that cut January’s payment by 2/3rds.

Shit situation? Absolutely. Anything I can do about it? Not according to Social Security.

It’s important to confront problems head on. The longer they fester, the worse off they will get. Ignoring them is the worst thing you can do. But, it’s really easy for anxiety, depression, or Bipolar Disorder to make everything feel overwhelming. We need to attempt to strike a middle ground. I do that by dedicating a certain amount of time to working on that problem and then forcing my brain onto different subject matter. This is not something that is easy to do initially! It’s a skill you need to work on. It does get easier with time and effort.

In this case, I allotted two hours to researching what happened and looking for a solution (not counting the time I spent on hold!) That culminated in a handful of phone calls to various offices and discovering there was nothing I could do to affect the situation. From there, any additional thoughts or energy dedicated to it would simply be wasted. It’s just potential fuel for the fires of unwellness to ignite and burn.

Whenever I find myself dwelling on what happened, I redirect my thoughts onto something else that requires greater focus. The more complex, the more I get immersed, the less energy I’m giving to thoughts that could spiral out of control.

This also works pretty well in trying to support a loved one who is being hit with unwell or anxiety-driven thoughts. If I know what the person’s interests are, I will ask them what their favorite thing about that interest is. As I get them talking about it, I’ll just keep asking questions about various details about the hobby or thing until I can tell they are calming down. If I don’t know, I’ll just ask them what their favorite thing is and start unwinding from there. It can take a few minutes, but it’s a really good way to derail anxiety or unwell thoughts.

I would like to close off this post by thanking the several people who sent me, “are you okay?” messages. I do appreciate them. I am okay, just dealing with my mental illness.

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Relationships Self-Help

Five Tips for a More Harmonious Bipolar Relationship

I had a recent request for some tips on relationships where both partners have Bipolar Disorder. The following would be applicable in about any relationship, but I feel as though these points are the most important for a relationship involving mental health and stability.

1. Both partners need to have the same attitude regarding their wellness.

You can’t have one partner who is recovered and the other partner just doesn’t put in any effort into recovery. Why? Loving and living with an unstable mentally ill person is a hell of a lot of stress. Stress can easily serve as a depressive or escalation trigger that can cause unwellness in a person with a mood disorder. Minimizing stress is an important facet of mental health management for many.

2. Remember that wellness is an individual path.

I cannot count the number of times I’ve heard some variation of, “Well, my boyfriend tried this, so I’m going to try it, too.” or “Well, my wife had a bad reaction to that, so I’m not going to try it.” Your path is not the path of your partner. Their success with a given treatment or approach has zero affect on yours. You can walk the path together, but everyone experiences their mental illness in different ways. And we all have individual body and brain chemistry that means you can’t know how a medication is going to affect you until you’ve taken it as directed for as long as it takes to reach its functional range.

3. Work to not respond to your partner when emotions are running high.

Attempt to approach problems and challenges in the relationship from a position of neutrality. The couple can easily destabilize one another into unwellness by constantly fighting. Take some time to cool off and let your emotions settle before you toss more fuel on the flames. That small campfire can easily explode into a volcano of emotion. Work on improving communication in the relationship. There are tons of self-help books out there about it or you may want to consider a relationship counselor to work on communication skills.

4. Have and enforce boundaries to keep yourself well and healthy.

In my experience, a Bipolar partner who is doing better than their partner will often flex their own boundaries. They understand what it’s like to be misunderstood or for people to not have patience with what they are dealing with and want to be compassionate. That person may wind up destabilizing as they bend their limits. Boundaries are important because they help you stay balanced and healthy. I’m not saying to never flex boundaries, just be mindful when you make that choice and don’t flex them too far. I will note, this is just an observation from interacting with many mentally ill couples.

5. Work to turn your home into your sanctuary.

Ideally, a home should be a sanctuary, a place of peace and respite where a person can retreat after dealing with the bullshit of their day and life. Life is hard and stressful. Both partners committing to making the home a place of peace (as much as it can be) will create a lower stress environment. Of course, that is easier said than done…which is a stupid phrase because everything is easier said than done. Regardless, it is worth the effort so you don’t have the additional stress of dreading your home life on top of everything else.

If you would like for me to write about something specific, please feel free to let me know in the comments!

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Self-Help

A Book Review of Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies

As you may or may not know, I don’t do many review posts. The primary reason is that my website, my e-books, my work is designed to help people elevate and help themselves with realistic, actionable information. Most memoirs don’t do that. Most “alternative” anything books are poorly written or are fantasy. I don’t engage in the practice of trading reviews or promotion. Building trust with you, the reader, is a very important facet of what I’m trying to accomplish.

With that in mind, I was recently contacted by author William Jiang, MLS. William served as a Columbia University/New York State Psychiatry Institute Medical Library Chief for 7 years. He is the author of Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies. He is also waging a personal battle against Schizophrenia.

In the interest of disclosure, William did read one of my books and positively reviewed it before I read his. I made clear to William that I didn’t do any kind of positive for positive exchanges; that I would read his book and provide an honest review of it. Regardless of his actions, I would still be writing this blog post and review because I believe William created a fantastic resource that will be very beneficial to anyone who is interested in complementary means of better managing mental illness.

The Basic Gist of a Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies

The internet is absolutely flooded with garbage, misrepresented information on the treatment and management of mental illness. People regularly speak about subjects that they should not without any consideration to the consequences for the people reading them. William’s background appears to be that of a researcher and his book reflects that.

William describes this book as (paraphrased), “an annotated bibliography that picks from the “best” information from medical literature, including commentary, as well as the source, title, and abstract of the article from MEDLINE.” MEDLINE is a compilation of abstracts and citations regarding medical research.

So, what the hell does that mean in layman’s terms? You know how you can find information all over the internet about things like Omega-3 being good to combat depression, yoga and physical activity being helpful at reducing the severity of mental illness symptoms, and parasites in cat feces contributing to mental illness? William’s book is a collection of these complementary ideas with excerpts from the medical studies that help establish them as fact.

That is invaluable information to have. It is a helpful, compiled collection of realistic information that does not make false promises or aggrandize these concepts as THE SOLUTION. They are presented as neutral points of information that may or may not be beneficial as a pillar in your wellness plans and efforts.

How Should You Use a Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies?

William organized this book by subcategories. His words are italicized to differentiate it from the excerpts. Many important points are bolded to call attention to them.

Since this book does contain excerpts from studies, written by researchers and medical professionals, many people are going to have a hard time figuring out exactly what they are talking about in the excerpts. That’s okay though! Don’t be put off by the medical terminology. While informative and interesting, the actual text is not as important to a mental health consumer. What is important is that each of these points comes from accredited, verified resources where money, time, and energy was invested into analyzing them.

If you don’t understand the actual excerpts from the research, don’t worry about it. Gloss past it and keep reading; but do make sure to critically read bolded and italicized text. It’s okay if you don’t “understand.” People dedicate decades of their lives to understanding this stuff. It’s not reasonable to think that you will after reading a book or two.

How Should I Use the Information Presented Therein?

There’s a lot of good, complementary practices presented in this book. If any resonate with you that you want to try, the first step is to discuss the practice with your prescribing mental health professional. That way they can discuss it with you and identify any potential problems it might cause with your current treatment. I would also recommend making a call to your pharmacist to double check on potential interactions. Any discrepancy should be worked out with your professionals to ensure you don’t accidentally destabilize yourself. Do not just do whatever without talking to your mental health professional first.

About the Value of the Book

Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies is listed on Amazon, at the time of this writing, for $9.99 for the e-Book and $35.00 for the paperback. It’s about 130ish pages of quality information.

I know a lot of you are going to balk at the paperback price for William’s book. I know I did. What you need to bear in mind is that the knowledge needed to build this kind of resource is the result of years of education, experience, time, effort, and research. That is why textbooks and books like this do tend to run on the expensive side. Having read this book, I would spend $35.00 on it for a paperback if I had the $35.00 to spend on it.

The information is not only worthwhile, but it is worthwhile to me to support authors like William who are creating meaningful work for our mutual benefit. That being said, you’re going to know what you’re comfortable with spending on this work. Either way, I highly recommend adding Guide to Natural Mental Health: Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, and Digital Addiction: Nutrition, and Complementary Therapies to your library. You can also find William on his website at www.mentalhealthbooks.net

And remember, a lot of people don’t know that you don’t need to own a Kindle to read e-books off of Amazon. Just look up “Kindle Reader” on Play Store, Apple Store, or Google. Amazon offers a free reader so you can read your e-books on other devices if you would like to go that route.

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General Self-Help

Bipolar Disorder and Depression: Should I Apply For Disability?

There is a lot of misinformation and relative stupidity surrounding Disability and Social Services in general. I’ve met people that view it as anything from a question of weakness and pride to validation of their being screwed up. And all of it is ridiculous to the point of stupidity.

So what is Disability? A quick Google Definition reveals the following:

– any government system that provides monetary assistance to people with an inadequate or no income.

– (in the US) a federal insurance program that provides benefits to retired people and those who are unemployed or disabled.

And what is the government definition of Disabled? For that, let’s turn to the U.S. Department of Labor:

The term “disability” is defined by the federal government in various ways, depending on the context. For the purposes of federal disability nondiscrimination laws (such as the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), Section 503 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 and Section 188 of the Workforce Investment Act), the definition of a person with a disability is typically defined as someone who (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more “major life activities,” (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment.

For purposes of Social Security disability benefits, a person with a disability must have a severe disability (or combination of disabilities) that has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months or result in death, and which prevents working at a “substantial gainful activity” level. State vocational rehabilitation (VR) offices define a person with a disability to be eligible for VR services if he or she has a physical or mental impairment that constitutes or results in a “substantial impediment” to employment for the applicant.

So what does that mean?

Simply put, if a recurring physical or mental problem prevents “substantial gainful activity”, such as gainful employment since we all need to do it, you fall under the government definition of “disabled”. All people with Bipolar Disorder fall under this umbrella. All. Now, does that mean that you are eligible for benefits? No. It does mean you can invoke rights afforded to you by the Americans with Disabilities Act and other legislation dealing with people with disabilities.

Approval for benefits comes down to proving that your disability interferes with your ability to conduct at least one major activity, usually working. A recent discussion I had featured the common sentiment of “I’m too sick to work, but not sick enough for disability.” Wrong. If you are too sick to work due to a chronic or recurring condition, then you are “sick enough” for disability! What matters after that point is proving it to the SSA.

But my doctor, family, spouse, whoever tells me I’m not!

Let me again point you back to the legal definition of disabled – (1) has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more “major life activities,” (2) has a record of such an impairment, or (3) is regarded as having such an impairment. In addition to for purposes of Social Security disability benefits, a person with a disability must have a severe disability (or combination of disabilities) that has lasted, or is expected to last, at least 12 months or result in death, and which prevents working at a “substantial gainful activity” level.

Does your impairment meet these criteria? Do you swing up, work a job for a few weeks or a few months before your downswing destroys it all? Does your depression make it impossible for you to hold down a full-time job? Does your mental illness prevent you from interacting and participating in full-time employment? Does anxiety crush your ability to deal with the public or coworkers? Then you likely meet the legal criteria for being disabled and may have a case to make for disability benefits.

Here’s a good rule of thumb; before you take advice on a matter, have the person define what you’re asking about. If they can’t even tell you what the subject matter is, then how are they providing you meaningful, knowledgeable advice?

I know because I took the time to research it, talk to my attorney, and even spent time bullshitting with a Social Security employee to pick their brain on this subject.

Now, the matter of the doctor that says, “you don’t need it”, which is something I hear about on a regular basis. Simply put – do they actually know what they’re talking about? Remember, their opinions are based off of the information you’ve given them over the handful of hours you’ve interacted with them on a regular basis. They’re not with you 24-7 to see how your mental illness affects you specifically. Their opinions are based on the limited amount of information they have about your life, functionality, and their own knowledge and biases that may not be founded in your reality.

Furthermore, they’re operating off of the information that you give them. Are you giving them all of the right information for them to understand? Do you know every detail and nuance of what you experience to be able to relate it to your doctor?

I had two psychiatrists tell me I didn’t need Disability; even after explaining to them fucking up college and the 24+ jobs I’ve had since I graduated high school, being briefly homeless, and the chaos that was my personal life. You know who disagreed? The Judge that heard my case and approved my claim; which gave me the resources to get my shit together. I have no idea why those two psychs claimed that I couldn’t maintain gainful employment even though I had a 15 year history of not being able to maintain gainful employment.

Doctors aren’t lawyers. Their testimony isn’t the sole lynch-pin in approval or rejection. Their insight and input is one piece of the entire puzzle. It will not make or break your claim.

The Most Important Word

Proof. I bolded and italicized it for a reason. You need to prove that your medical condition prevents substantial gainful activity. Testimony is not proof. It is an opinion. A lot of the information you will provide to the SSA in the application process does not necessarily prove your claim. The more information that you can provide lends more weight to proving the claim. Disability is a government program and is wrapped up in just as much bullshit and red tape as any other government program. This is exactly why you should not listen to your doctor, parents, spouse, whoever.

My advice? Get a local disability lawyer. There are a lot of “national” chains that advertise on television and around the internet. Ignore that crap. You want someone close by who’s office you can actually go to if need be. They work on contingency, meaning they only get paid if you win your claim. Their fees will be a portion of whatever back award you are given. They should lay out how payment works before accepting you as a client.

There is, literally, nothing to lose by talking to a Disability attorney; other than back award money that you may not have been awarded to you without their help.

I spent 4 years in the system, with a mostly blank claim, for some reason, before I finally got smart and secured an attorney. I was too depressed and did not think I would ever get approved, so I did not advocate for myself. Most people will not take that long to get through the process. Average time is about a year at the moment.

Should You Apply For Social Security Disability?

Does your mental illness prevent you from maintaining long-term, consistent, full-time employment?

If the answer to that question is “yes”, then scoot on over to SSA.gov, make yourself an account, and start the application process. You will need your work history and medical history information; as well as names and phone numbers of facilities and medical professionals that have treated you.

If you get rejected, APPEAL. Always, always, always appeal until you are out of appeals. There’s like six levels of appeal, the final being going before a Judge to discuss your conditions and how it affects your life. That is the most likely time for a person with a mental illness to be approved because the step involves you actually discussing your life with someone instead of a person or committee analyzing the information you submitted.

It is MUCH harder to prove how a mental illness negatively affects your daily life through documentation; unlike something like a spinal injury which is clear. But you still want to build your case by providing every ounce of documentation relating to your diagnosis, treatment, and how it affects your life.

Your Life Does Not End With Disability

Disability is a resource. Some people need it for the rest of their lives, some people do not. In my case, I’m very much looking forward to transitioning off of it, hopefully within the next year or so. I’ve used the resources being approved for Disability opened up to me – additional funds and insurance – and worked to get my mental illness manageable.

People that are able to recover may be able to utilize government programs for rehabilitation to go to college or a trade school to actually have a career. Vocational Rehab may pay your way through school, assuming you meet the criteria for it. And if you get unwell in the future? Your prior approval basically lets you skate through the re-application process. You don’t have to go through all that again if you relapse.

Disability isn’t necessarily an end. It may be the beginning of a well, recovered life for you.

Don’t overlook it because some people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

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Coping Self-Help

Martyrs of Mental Illness, Here’s Your Cookie

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There are quite a few things about the circumstances surrounding mental illness that irritate me to no end. Today, I’m going to be complaining about the “martyrs” of mental illness!

Let me be clear, I do NOT think less of people that decide to stay in a difficult situation with a Bipolar or mentally ill person. I am fully aware that there was a point when that person was probably a wonderful or great person, that you would like to see them recover. You are absolutely entitled to vent, rage, be sad; whatever. What I have a problem with is the following…

Allow me to paraphrase the complaint I hear on a regular basis.

“People play the victim card too much. “Oh, I have ‘Bipolar Disorder/Other Serious Mental Illness’ and I can’t be held responsible for my actions.” What about me? What about everything I’ve been through? My loved one has been abusive and shitty to me in the years we’ve been together. But society says ‘oh you’re Bipolar’ so it’s okay.”

Yeah, it’s society’s fault that the person chose to stay in an abusive, terrible relationship for decades. Being mentally ill is just a bucket of blowjobs! That’s why we have high suicide rates, rates of homelessness, and dysfunctional lives. I can totally do whatever I want and absolutely won’t end up in jail or homeless as a result!

No, society didn’t make it permissible. The enabling partner in that relationship made it permissible. That shit is just weak reasoning to justify their own poor choices. You don’t want to divorce an abusive person that has zero desire to get better because that’s “just not what we were raised to do”? That’s not society’s fault, that’s your fault. Marriage is a contract – to love, honor, and respect one’s partner. An abusive party breaches their part of their contract. No one should feel obligated to stay in an abusive relationship because of what they think their God or other people will think.

Who gives a rat’s ass if the intangible concept of “society” doesn’t like what you do? They aren’t living your life! And please kill the “God put this into my life as a test” garbage. Yeah, your God created you for the sole purpose of being here to suffer another person’s abuses. If that were true, then your God must have created the abusive partner solely to be here to treat you like shit – which is a little fucked up.

And guess what? Putting up with that shit, enabling that person to act that way by not holding them responsible when appropriate, makes it harder for them to actually recover. You continuously demonstrate that “hey, it’s perfectly okay for you to treat me like complete shit and I will keep coming back for more!” Why in the fuck would they ever think they NEED to change? That they cannot continue to conduct their life as they are?

That’s not society’s fault. That’s not society’s choice. That’s the enabler’s choice. So don’t play the victim card after decrying the use of the victim card. You have no one to blame but yourself if you choose to stay in that situation.

Does that mean we blindly act without compassion? No. My rule of thumb is simple. If the person is actively trying and just failing horribly, then I’m on their side. It’s that simple. Is the person trying? Or are they just coasting and dragging you through their shittiness? I have and will continue to go through a lot of shit for people that are genuinely trying to better themselves.

And I get accused of “not being on the side of mentally ill people” on a fairly regular basis as well. You’re right, I’m not! I’m on the side of what is fair. It is unreasonable to expect a “free pass” on shit behavior when you’re not willing to visit a therapist or doc, take the meds, and work to be well. It is unreasonable to expect ANYONE to have a bottomless well of patience, kindness, and understanding when you don’t do anything to better your situation.

A major goal in my advocacy work is to help mentally ill people preserve and improve the lives they have; to keep that well from drying up completely and that relationship from dying. To do so, we MUST acknowledge the suffering we inflict on our loved ones as just as important, just as severe as our own – because it fucking is.

Life isn’t fair or “balanced”. Stop acting like it is, like you’re absolutely powerless to do anything because of what “society” deems or what you “feel”. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are any good for you. You always have a choice. It’s just not always a good one.

The situation is not special or unique. Millions of other people around the world have gone through or go through similar. Acting like you don’t have a choice, then blaming intangible entities and concepts is playing the victim card just as much the person who blames their mental illness and does nothing to help themselves.

Spent decades in a terrible, abusive relationship with a toxic mentally ill person? Have a cookie. Now quit blaming everyone else for your choices and do something about it.

I sincerely hope that comes off as condescending as I think it sounds…

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Categories
Depression Self-Help

On Bipolar-Depression And Life Decisions…

Different people experience Bipolar Disorder in different ways. In my case, I’m a Type 2 Bipolar who spends a majority of his time in relatively functional depression. That has been my baseline since I was a teenager with regular dips into non-functionality.

So a few days ago, November 17th, I turned 35. About a month before that I found a document that was a 2013 report on the career I wanted to pursue for my state. I knew that the role I wanted to pursue was new and uncommon; but I did not think it was “only 150 people doing it in the entire state” new and uncommon. That kind of low existence isn’t really a career choice; it’s more like a craps shoot.

In years past, this would have been a trigger into morbid or suicidal depression. Today, I know how to handle that thanks to what I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There’s a window between the time the Bipolar person triggers and the destination they will wind up at. I know that I need to minimize the impact of my thoughts in that trigger window. I do that by forcing myself to not think or dwell about the circumstance unless I absolutely have to. In this case, realizing that it would be completely retarded for me to sink the time and effort into developing a career that only 150 people perform was the trigger.

Every time it would pop into my mind, I would force my mind somewhere else. I would distract myself with music I could really get into, talking or immersing myself in the struggles of other people, or video games. It took a few days, but eventually my mind felt like it reached the plane it was supposed to be at. The chaotic fluctuations were more muted and the waters seemed to have calmed. After that point, I was able to think about it with a clearer mind.

It still kicked me towards the depressive side; but no suicidal or self-destructive thoughts. I didn’t fall as far as I would have had I just jumped on those emotions of experiencing a set-back. This is an invaluable skill to develop if you’re Bipolar or Depressive. Do not just jump on your emotions when you hit an emotional experience. Does it always work out so neat and clean? No. It doesn’t. I fuck it up from time to time or it’s something I can’t put off; that I absolutely have to take care of. But when I am successful it makes things so much easier.

That initial slam of the trigger is the hardest part to work with. I’ve still had to deal with the periodic waves from needing to think about it and dealing with this monkey-wrench in my plans. I shout it down in my mind with the mantra I embraced when I was diagnosed; “swim or die”. Is it the end of my world? No. It’s not. Things rarely go as you plan them in life. I just have to keep swimming and find another way to accomplish my long-term goals.

My birthday was bittersweet and is often time for reflection. A year ago November 17th, my grandmother passed away. I grew up living across the street from her for most of my early life and when I was living with my folks as an adult. I love her dearly but I just don’t feel the loss like I know my family did. I attribute that to the logic from my autism overriding my emotions. She was obviously an older woman, 89 if I remember correctly, who had been experiencing kidney problems. It wasn’t surprising to me that a chain of events stemming from that could end with her passing.

I think that this understanding is why her death didn’t trigger me. I understood far ahead of time that old people + kidney problems = bad. I didn’t spend time wondering why or grieving the fact that she was gone because my brain knew that old people + kidney problems = bad.

I do think that it might have had a much more negative impact on me had it happened out of the blue; like a heart attack or aneurysm. That probably would have kicked me into a shitty depressive cycle because I had no time to get acclimated.

But, the discovery that my career of choice was actually 150 instead of maybe a couple thousand? That came out of nowhere and tried to slam me pretty hard.

People who deal with depression will be able to relate to this sentiment. For most of my life I couldn’t picture having a future because my present was mired in depression. When you’re severely depressed, everything just sort of blends together and becomes irrelevant. Why should I take care of myself? I don’t matter. Why should I plan for a future? I probably won’t be there anyways.

I spent about 20 years; from about 13 to 33, wrestling with these thoughts. My dad constantly jokes that he never thought he would make it to old age because of the life he led. I would often make the same type of joke, “I won’t make it to old age”; but I left off the rest of my thought. That thought being “I won’t make it to old age because I’m pretty sure I’ll end up killing myself long before then”.

But now, now I have a different reality. I found purpose and a deep sense of self-fulfillment in helping other people. That was not a thought that ever crossed my mind when I thought I was just a broken piece of shit. Sure, I would try to be there for a friend or something if they needed it. As for strangers? My depressive thoughts for the longest time were “you don’t give two shits if I’m alive or dead so fuck you too”; even if completely unfounded.

So I’m 35, turned an important corner a couple years ago in coming to terms with myself and what I have to offer the world. I’m 35, trying to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life to be self-sufficient, to help people, to not lose my own war with Bipolar Disorder. And I am now back to square one on how to accomplish that.

I wish I could install a window in the side of my head for y’all to peek through at the debate that rages.

Depressed side: “You knew it wouldn’t work out. You fuck up everything you set out to. Idiot.”
Rational side: “Fuck that guy. Shit isn’t going as you planned, it never does. Find a new path.”
Depressed side: “Yeah find a new path that will just blow up in your face and fuck you over.”
Rational side: “Shut the fuck up. Victory goes to the tenacious; the people that overcome set-backs. So don’t listen to that bitch and figure something out.”

That’s pretty much how I debate things in my head with myself.

Inspirational as fuck, eh?

So I’ve spent the past few weeks, silently battling in my head and trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I have really boiled it down to two options.

A. Work a typical job and continue to do what I do through my website as my means of helping people. There are problems with this approach. That is going to require a heavy investment in time and energy in the week. Being Bipolar, I do need to attempt to keep my stress levels somewhat in check and have time to decompress so it doesn’t shove me into a hypomanic cycle. And if you’ve been lucky enough to not have to work too many low-tier jobs in your life; they don’t tend to honor or respect your time very often unless you have an actual decent superior. You’re a low wage monkey and can be replaced by any other low wage monkey. So that isn’t likely to work out in the long-term. Yes, there are good people that would work with me out there. There are also assholes that would smile to my face and start looking for any reason they could to get rid of me so my problems didn’t impact their ability to conduct business.

B. Go back to college. I could complete an Associates in Human Services Tech at the local college (or university for you folks not in America). The government should pay for it (or a majority of it) as part of vocational rehab to get me off of disability and back into the work force. Furthermore, if things went well, I could continue that education to four years; and then maybe even look at Graduate school to become a Therapist or Psych. I like the fact that I can increment it. Maybe I make it through two years but it’s hard as shit because my brain sucks and my short-term memory has the retention of a screen. I could take that two years and get a job as an aide or assistant.

Quite honestly, I would be looking further than that. I have a very unique, perfect storm of things going on with me that puts me in a position to contribute greatly. Bipolar but not too Bipolar; Autistic but not too Autistic; skilled written communicator who can articulate well; battered, bruised, damage- but not broken.

What I lack is credibility to medical professionals. A degree would be huge for that because I could say “Hey, I’ve been through all this shit; but I’ve had training like yours too. So perhaps you should at least hear me out instead of just looking at me like I’m fucking stupid?”

And then there is the matter of money. There is little to be money to be made in mental health. I’ve talked about my need to actually earn a couple times, and received a couple of messages about how “money isn’t everything” and “I shouldn’t be worried so much about that”.

Yeah, that’s all well and good; but I want to be self-sufficient and I like stuff. But even more than that; I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure out types of businesses that could push towards self-sustainability, provide opportunities for disabled people, the poor, and convicts trying to change their lives. That’s going to require money and I know that between my credit rating (LOLOLOLOL) and general history as a mental patient (also LOLOLOLOL); a traditional lender is going to look at me and shit themselves in laughter.

So if I want to even attempt something like that in the future; I’m going to need to have my shit straight. I’ll be in a decent position if I can make it through college with minimal debt. I’ll live below my means after that point so I can stockpile resources. If I decide to pursue a venture like that, I will probably have to appeal to independent investors for funding. And I would prefer to have at least half of the capital be my own money to demonstrate I believe in it and planned thoroughly enough to put my ass very much on the line.

College seems to be the right path but man; in addition to all the normal doubts…there’s the doubts that go along with being Bipolar. For example, I know cramming is fucking useless for me because my brain won’t retain information that way. I need to cram about a week ahead of time before the info pops out of the wasteland that is my short-term memory. And that many years? Oh I will definitely have unwell cycles and probably run into chaotic situations as a result. Sure, I have rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act; but will I be of mind to advocate for myself? To ensure that I am given the rights I am entitled to by law for being a nutcase trying to better my situation? Will I even be able to do anything about it if there is conflict?

I tried to go to college when I was younger and I succeeded at doing was racking up a $3000 internet bill from long-term, unwell decisions and blowing about $6000 in savings bonds that were gifted to me throughout my childhood.

But! There is good news in all of this.

I just turned 35 and I don’t look forward with hopelessness. Even when I am depressed, I still see a future for myself. Yeah, there are still times when I put on the headphones and zone out into a video game for several hours because I can’t think. But those times are much fewer and far between than they used to be. I had to reevaluate and change the way I looked at myself and my future. It’s something I’m still working on in a lot of ways.

The point to all of this? I no longer feel like I’m just killing time until I die. That came from a shift in a way I not only viewed myself but in the progress I’ve made fighting the Disorder with the help of doctors, medication, and therapy. That’s a change that so many others could have too if they jump into the fight, scrapping tooth and nail to win their own war.

I’ve gone from 20 years of feeling like shit about myself to knowing I will have a future. I’ve been able to close my hateful eyes and see someone with a unique combination of difficult experiences and gifts that can be used as a catalyst for others.

So if you look in the mirror and can only see yourself through depressive eyes; that doesn’t have to be your future. If I can do it, you can do it too.

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Categories
General Self-Help

Mood Disorder Wellness Hinges On The Afflicted

Many challenges exist for the Depressed or Bipolar person in their quest for wellness. The challenges faced by our loved ones trying to help us can seem insurmountable. It’s been a commonly stated belief (at least among the crap that I’ve read and professionals I’ve talked to) that wellness hinges entirely on the afflicted. I strongly believe in this point. We are the ones that need to make necessary lifestyle changes, take our meds, go to the doctors, actually communicate with them, work to understand our own brains and their bullshit, and then incorporate all of that crap into pursuing wellness while juggling whatever else life is throwing at us. That’s exhausting just typing it.

But then we have the loved ones on the sidelines who don’t know how to help. How do you navigate the chaos and turmoil? How do you help that person strive for more?

There are no simple answers. And there no simple answers because each of us is an individual who have our own likes, dislikes, and personality. What’s important to me and drives me towards wellness may mean jack shit all to the next guy or gal.

The following general points should provide some thoughts on a developing a fairly personal approach that will hopefully help chip through the walls to a loved one.

1. The approach must be personal. If you’re the loved one of someone who is struggling, you’ve already got a good idea of what is important to that person. Those are the things that you want to leverage to help guide them towards wellness. It may be a career path, relationship with a family member, school; whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, it can be used as leverage to help steer the chaos in a general direction.

Tact entirely matters- which feels very strange for me to say. Do not be dishonest in your approach otherwise you’ll alienate the person as soon as they figure it out. But use the truth to help pull them back. Ensure that what you are saying is done so in a way they can understand and relate to.

An example on selling suppositories:

Right: This suppository will provide relief for XYZ condition for 12 hours.

Wrong: Cram this up your ass for relief from XYZ for 12 hours.

They both say the same thing but in entirely different ways. An example of how I’d approach a Bipolar person:

“Look, I know things are going to shit right now; but if you educate yourself and commit to getting well, you can get back into college and finish your degree once you’re rebalanced. But you’re not going to be able to do that while your moods are bouncing back and forth.”

Continue to calmly reinforce that THEY HAVE THE POWER as often as you can. Remember that you’re trying to hammer through the wall of fucked emotions that mood disorders create. That does include the helplessness, powerlessness, and pointlessness that depression instills in the person. It takes time and persistence to hammer through that bullshit.

2. Once you are through, you want to have a solid path for them to walk. Once they’re hearing you, you want to get them going on the path before the depression and self-doubt has time to destroy the progress. The longer they’re able to think about it; the more they will convince themselves to not do what is necessary to get well. It’ll come as any flavor of excuse ranging from “What’s the point? It won’t work.” to “I feel fine now. Why should I?” So what’s the path?

a. An appointment with the person’s doctor or psych to discuss the situation, where the person fell off their plan, how to get back on.
b. Develop a plan of action on what they need to do to minimize damage to their lives from unwellness.
c. Implement the advice from the professional. Push the person to follow through and stay on the course.

I’m also in favor of getting folks to support groups with like-minded people. They don’t typically require contribution but it can be very helpful to be around other people going through similar if not identical circumstances. I generally encourage people to go to a few meetings for their respective mental illness just to listen. It can also offer a much needed self-esteem and confidence boost if the person is able to contribute positively to other members of the group, in the event that they decide they want to be social in the setting.

An unoccupied unwell mind can be a serious liability.

3. You have to learn patience. Patience, patience, patience. Hard to have patience when you’re watching someone you love unravel to their core and meltdown. To quote Shakespeare: “It sucks ass”. (Author’s Note: Quote may not actually be attributable to Shakespeare.)

For years I had virtually none. My range was either utter apathy or “let’s get this shit done”. But that doesn’t really work in life, does it? No. It takes time to build anything worthwhile. So goes the same with the battle for stability. There are times that it is impossible to make any real gains. You have to be able to identify those times, maintain some distance, and do your best to ensure they cannot do anything drastic while unwell.

Then, when the person hits a more level plane, you can start pushing again to try and make progress. Avoid exhausting yourself trying to swim against the current all the time.

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Categories
General Self-Help

Mood Disorders And The Choices We Make

The central point of everything I bitch and harp about in regards to mood disorder management is education. The afflicted and their closest loved ones need to understand every facet of the mood disorder if they want to effectively counter it. It’s a simple matter of understanding the enemy to engage and win the battle. Understanding the way a mood disorder warps and twists a person’s perception gives them much greater leverage in not jumping on the unwell thought process and rocketing into insanity.

Near that central point is a choice; an often simple choice that we make incorrectly because our brains are fucked up at the moment. A choice we normally would have never made if our brains were in balance. We can prevent a lot of chaos and misery for us and our loved ones by changing the way we make our decisions while unwell. But first, we have to understand when we are unwell!

1. Work on developing your understanding of your triggers and the way you feel while you are unwell. You likely have symptoms while manic or depressive that you have at no other time. In my case, I have pressured speech, racing thoughts, hypersexuality, arrogance, and I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time but am never tired. Depression is easy to spot in my own apathy, general annoyance at everything slightly inconvenient, and a desire to sleep too much. I only have these qualities when I’m unwell- never any other time.

2. Utilize loved ones to help identify your unwellness. If you have kids, relatives, or a spouse that gives a shit they can help you identify when you’re getting unwell. You can tell younger kids “just tell me if I start acting really weird”. They don’t need to be inundated in details but they know when mom or dad is being irrational or volatile. I feel it’s a good idea to help older kids understand what’s going on so they don’t learn to fear and resent mental illness.

3. Make better choices before taking action. Are you manic? Does the sound of laughing children piss you off? Can you just not stand the sound of your spouse’s voice? Are you depressed? Can you not see any hope for tomorrow? Is every day going to be shit for the rest of your existence?

Those questions are the kind of warped thoughts we all struggle with. It is your choice on how you respond to those children, your spouse, and the hopelessness. Every fiber of your being may be urging you to scream, yell, or worse; but you have to fight that urge. You have to remember that you have a mood disorder and will have disproportionate responses to about everything while you are unwell. And you have to choose to look forward to tomorrow or remove yourself from your manic stressors.

It is not the world’s responsibility to give two shits about managing your triggers. A lot of people don’t understand and don’t want to understand. That means YOU have to be the one to manage YOURSELF.

That’s not an impossible goal even though it may seem like it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “Easier said than done”. Well, no shit. Everything is easier said than done. But you fucking do it anyways because it’s your family, your life, your well being, and your future. And you CAN do it.

Yes, you will inevitably make stupid mistakes. We all do. It gets much easier the more you do it and when you start finding meds that reduce the impact of the unwell swings.

Making better choices can be as simple as removing yourself from a situation that is threatening to spin you out or asking for input from someone you trust. I do both regularly if I don’t trust the defective pile of shit my brain can sometimes be.

You must understand that you are not your Disorder. You may be a terrible person while you are unwell but that does not mean you would make those same choices if you were well. Therefore, you want to get back to making the kinds of decisions you would make while you were well. A mood disorder is just one part of you that can be overwhelming and dominating if untreated, but you do not have to give in to what it will make you think and feel. You can fight it and fight for wellness.

That is a choice.

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