In 2010, I started talking about my mental illness and path in life with other people. I have conversed with many people struggling with a number of different problems. I’ve spoken with several friends, family, and loved ones of mentally ill people who want to be compassionate and understanding to our challenges. The people who do well at it with least amount of emotional turmoil because of it share one important ingredient. Self-love.
The idea of selflessness is one that is heavily promoted and romanticized in our society because it is a beautiful ideal. You can look at anything from religious figures and icons, to movies featuring heroes and heroines willing to lay their life on the line for the cause, to questionable hero worship of people. Everyone who deigns to undertake some action of sacrifice is doing so for some reason in their own mind and soul.
“I felt like it was the right thing to do.” “I felt it was my duty.” “I’m doing this because I want to make a difference in the world.” “This is my calling…” “I believe in my heart…” All of these things have to do with the emotions and beliefs of the person expressing them. All of them. And I have crossed paths with so many people who think that by emotionally martyring themselves, they can somehow save another person. It doesn’t work that way. You can only assist someone in saving themselves.
I don’t believe that the romanticized version of selflessness that so many people seem to think is a good solution actually exists. And that’s why self-love is so important. Self-love allows you to see a situation more clearly. It helps you set boundaries that will keep you well and healthy. It helps you know when it is time to walk away from a situation, no matter how much you want to help. Self-love can also help you recognize relationships and friendships that you should not be in.
“I don’t care! I care about X more than myself!”
And that’s a problem. You just can’t do that and expect to come out of it unscathed. That’s not a mentality that will bear a healthy relationship with respected boundaries. Furthermore, someone that genuinely loved and cared about you wouldn’t want you destroying yourself for them. That all gets into much trickier territory when you’re talking about parental love or mental unwellness that is so severe that it’s really twisted the person’s perspective inside out.
Even in those situations, there does a come a time when one has to say enough is enough to ensure they can survive the situation intact. Love is not an infinite resource for many people. It’s something that has to be fed and nurtured to keep it healthy and strong. And that’s something that you need to do with yourself, just as much with the people you care about.
Parental love is different. I’ve met several parents who would sacrifice anything and everything to help their child – and quite a few that have. That includes wealth, property, and their own physical and mental health. But, again, you can’t save someone from themselves. Burning your own life and health to the ground will not help an adult child who refuses to help themselves.
And if you can’t see that for yourself or feel that your well-being is just as important as the object of your affection – that is something you should speak to a certified mental health counselor about. It may point to something in your own mind that needs to be sorted out so you can find more peace and happiness with yourself in addition to weathering whatever storm you are facing in your life.
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Ever say the phrase, “I try to see the good in other people?” I hear it all the time from the people that reach out to me, particularly from people who are in abusive situations. It’s a romanticized sentiment that is not really applicable in the real world. Not all people are good. Some people only have a sliver of good in an ocean of bad. Others are a majority good but have a sliver of bad that is so negative that it can’t be overlooked. There are others simply project being good to the world and do awful things behind closed doors. And there are plenty of people who are just entirely apathetic to it all.
The people that announce “I try to see the good in other people” are essentially announcing to the world that they are an easy target. In my experience, these individuals will cling to the fragments of good that they see in another person, like an abusive partner, to further convince themselves that this person that they love is a good person and thus deserving of their love. And it’s not limited to romance. It’s parents, siblings, children, or really any interpersonal dynamic.
They hold onto this idea that if they are good, loving, and compassionate to this person, that the person will notice it, respect it, and return love. I don’t believe respect and love work that way. There are different types and levels of both. The respect you have for yourself is different from the respect you have for an enemy is different from the respect you have for a loved one. And love is the same way. There are different levels, types, and strengths of love.
I never look for the good in anyone. I look for their humanity and what makes them who they are. In doing so, it doesn’t really surprise me when someone does something good or bad. There seems to be a common belief that good and bad are absolutes; but I’ve known quite a few people who have done bad things because they felt they had no other choice. Those decisions can be driven by circumstances like mental illness or environment. Actions that are good can certainly have bad elements to them and vice versa.
As someone who is High-Functioning Autistic and tends to see things in black and white, this was a challenging thing to identify and accept. My brain just doesn’t do shades of gray very well. But that’s life, isn’t it? It’s all just different shades of gray. The color of gray you interpret a situation as is dictated by your emotions, perception, and life experiences. What’s good and bad to me may not necessarily be good or bad to you. That’s totally fine.
Instead of good or bad, it’s more helpful to look at the destructiveness, motivation, and that person’s response to their actions. We, the mentally ill, can do some pretty awful things to ourselves and other people while we are unwell. I understand that because I’ve lived that life. As a result, I’ve been able to forgive some pretty serious unwell actions out of others because I could see they were trying their hardest to rectify the situation and change it.
But then you have the people who simply do not care how their actions affect you and your life. They use kindness and compassion as leverage and a weapon against the people that care about them. Well, I see no reason to be a victim to those people. If they can’t understand or don’t care how damaging their actions are, then why should anyone suffer along with them?
Maybe they will see the error of their ways in the future or maybe they won’t. Either way, will you still be healthy and well when that time comes? Or will the pain, chaos, and misery destroy you in the process? Compassion and understanding are limited resources and will dry up sooner or later. I’ve watched that destruction happen numerous times. You have to be the one that ensures it doesn’t happen to you. No one else can do it for you.
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Many challenges exist for the Depressed or Bipolar person in their quest for wellness. The challenges faced by our loved ones trying to help us can seem insurmountable. It’s been a commonly stated belief (at least among the crap that I’ve read and professionals I’ve talked to) that wellness hinges entirely on the afflicted. I strongly believe in this point. We are the ones that need to make necessary lifestyle changes, take our meds, go to the doctors, actually communicate with them, work to understand our own brains and their bullshit, and then incorporate all of that crap into pursuing wellness while juggling whatever else life is throwing at us. That’s exhausting just typing it.
But then we have the loved ones on the sidelines who don’t know how to help. How do you navigate the chaos and turmoil? How do you help that person strive for more?
There are no simple answers. And there no simple answers because each of us is an individual who have our own likes, dislikes, and personality. What’s important to me and drives me towards wellness may mean jack shit all to the next guy or gal.
The following general points should provide some thoughts on a developing a fairly personal approach that will hopefully help chip through the walls to a loved one.
1. The approach must be personal. If you’re the loved one of someone who is struggling, you’ve already got a good idea of what is important to that person. Those are the things that you want to leverage to help guide them towards wellness. It may be a career path, relationship with a family member, school; whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, it can be used as leverage to help steer the chaos in a general direction.
Tact entirely matters- which feels very strange for me to say. Do not be dishonest in your approach otherwise you’ll alienate the person as soon as they figure it out. But use the truth to help pull them back. Ensure that what you are saying is done so in a way they can understand and relate to.
An example on selling suppositories:
Right: This suppository will provide relief for XYZ condition for 12 hours.
Wrong: Cram this up your ass for relief from XYZ for 12 hours.
They both say the same thing but in entirely different ways. An example of how I’d approach a Bipolar person:
“Look, I know things are going to shit right now; but if you educate yourself and commit to getting well, you can get back into college and finish your degree once you’re rebalanced. But you’re not going to be able to do that while your moods are bouncing back and forth.”
Continue to calmly reinforce that THEY HAVE THE POWER as often as you can. Remember that you’re trying to hammer through the wall of fucked emotions that mood disorders create. That does include the helplessness, powerlessness, and pointlessness that depression instills in the person. It takes time and persistence to hammer through that bullshit.
2. Once you are through, you want to have a solid path for them to walk. Once they’re hearing you, you want to get them going on the path before the depression and self-doubt has time to destroy the progress. The longer they’re able to think about it; the more they will convince themselves to not do what is necessary to get well. It’ll come as any flavor of excuse ranging from “What’s the point? It won’t work.” to “I feel fine now. Why should I?” So what’s the path?
a. An appointment with the person’s doctor or psych to discuss the situation, where the person fell off their plan, how to get back on.
b. Develop a plan of action on what they need to do to minimize damage to their lives from unwellness.
c. Implement the advice from the professional. Push the person to follow through and stay on the course.
I’m also in favor of getting folks to support groups with like-minded people. They don’t typically require contribution but it can be very helpful to be around other people going through similar if not identical circumstances. I generally encourage people to go to a few meetings for their respective mental illness just to listen. It can also offer a much needed self-esteem and confidence boost if the person is able to contribute positively to other members of the group, in the event that they decide they want to be social in the setting.
An unoccupied unwell mind can be a serious liability.
3. You have to learn patience. Patience, patience, patience. Hard to have patience when you’re watching someone you love unravel to their core and meltdown. To quote Shakespeare: “It sucks ass”. (Author’s Note: Quote may not actually be attributable to Shakespeare.)
For years I had virtually none. My range was either utter apathy or “let’s get this shit done”. But that doesn’t really work in life, does it? No. It takes time to build anything worthwhile. So goes the same with the battle for stability. There are times that it is impossible to make any real gains. You have to be able to identify those times, maintain some distance, and do your best to ensure they cannot do anything drastic while unwell.
Then, when the person hits a more level plane, you can start pushing again to try and make progress. Avoid exhausting yourself trying to swim against the current all the time.
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I typically don’t pay much attention to pop culture or celebrity garbage, mostly because I don’t care about it; but my eye is usually caught when mental illness comes into play. I’m always interested in the way the public perceives the person’s behavior as they are exhibiting their instabilities. Charlie Sheen was a good example. I would have bet money he was screaming through a Bipolar manic cycle when he was coming unhinged and lost his contract for Two and a Half Men. Many folks argued it was cocaine, which is a valid point if not for the length of time it ran. You would have to do a ton of cocaine to maintain that kind of pace for that length of time.
Amanda Bynes was recently trending due to the actions of her mother, Lynn, who pursued a temporary conservatorship over Amanda and won. Now, her mother has taken her off all of the psych medications she had been on for the past 9 months or so because “she hasn’t had an episode since”. The mother now claims that Amanda does not have a serious mental illness, even though she was placed on an LPS Hold which requires doctors to show evidence of grave disability as the result of mental illness or chronic alcoholism.
The basis of this move- she’s not mentally ill, it was marijuana that did it to her. If you’ve ever smoked or associated with people who smoked pot- please use this time to get the laughter and disbelief out of your system. I’ll wait.
You good? Cool.
Not only is it a great example of ignorance of mental illness; it’s a great example of the 1980’s Public Service Announcement misinformation mentality about drugs.
Yes, certain drugs can have a negative affect on people with mental illness.
But I have to say that of the hundreds of times in my life that I’ve smoked pot, hung out with several people that smoked pot, and been a third party witness to pot-smoking shenanigans; nobody ever thought it was a good idea to set fire to a neighbor’s driveway with gasoline, strip off their pants because they were on fire, retrieve their now gasoline soaked Pomeranian, run to a liquor store to the backroom to wash it off in their sink, and have a melt down when confronted by the employees which resulted in an arrest.
That’s wayyyyy too much activity for someone who was supposedly under heavy influence of pot.
Some have posited that removing her from psych meds and claiming it was pot is a form of damage control. I don’t think her mother is stupid; just ignorant. I don’t think that her or her lawyers would be dumb enough to think you could “damage control” 4 years of drastic instability that even had Courtney Love of all people tweeting to her to “Get it together girl”. When Courtney Love acknowledges that you have a problem- you have a fucking problem.
And this long ass intro leads into the point of this post. What I’m seeing from her mother is something I see on a regular basis from the loved ones of folks with mental illness. It’s often just related from the mentally ill person rather than the third party.
It centers around that person’s inability to accept their own perceived “failures”. You take a mother who loves her daughter, has had pretty significant difficulties in her life over 30 years or so, but she loves her unconditionally and does everything she can to create a better life for her. Now, you reveal that the daughter has been hiding some pretty significant behaviors from her mother for a long time. Cutting, drinking too much to cope, drugs, reckless behavior, maybe even a suicide attempt or two. The daughter gets worse with age to the point where her quieter behavior suddenly starts getting much louder. Now she’s getting hauled in by the cops, setting fires, doing the insane shit that severely mentally ill people do.
What goes on in the mother’s mind? Some parents are able to adapt and help. Others can’t. They would “know” if their child was mentally ill. They did everything in their power to make sure that child was taken care of and had opportunities in their life; so they couldn’t possibly have a mental illness. Acknowledging that their child has a mental illness is a blow to them as a person because it’s easy to perceive it as them failing their child. How could someone you love miss something that important and major? Well; it’s pretty simple actually. It’s not like everyone is walking around with a PhD in psychology or anything.
And in Amanda’s case; she was successful. A multimillionaire and retired by 26, as she said. So in her mother’s mind; it couldn’t possibly be Amanda’s mental health that was exploding. No, it must have been the pot even though there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Mental illness doesn’t care about how wealthy you are. It’ll tear down a wealthy person just as easily as a poor person. But her mother is ignoring all of the evidence supporting mental illness and taking her off a medication cocktail that is commonly used for schizophrenia.
I’d give her less than six months to have another psychotic episode if she sticks to this course of action.
Pride has no place in this struggle. Whether you’re a supporter or mentally ill; pride is an enemy. We must all understand that we can fuck things up. Pride prevents apologies, it prevents acceptance, it prevents progress.
If I’m right about her mother’s mindset; her pride is undermining Amanda’s mental wellness. Is the daughter going to listen to her mother or her doctors? Many people would trust their mother more and wind up screwed for an even longer period of time. Who knows how long her mother’s decision is going to set back her mental wellness? It could be years. Or maybe Amanda will remember how much better she felt on the meds and get back on them soonish. Who knows?
If you are in a similar situation or were handed this article by someone; it’s not your fault or any kind of knock on you as a person if you missed a mental illness. Lots of people don’t understand or “get it”. It’s no flaw to have not understood what your loved one was going through.
What is a flaw is a refusal to acknowledge the evidence that supports it when it’s staring you in the face. That refusal can fuck your loved one over far into the future. The past is done. Help your loved one reach a better, saner future for themselves.
And regardless of the position you are in; educate yourself on the claims being made about the person in your life. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to who are diagnosed Bipolar that couldn’t tell me what Bipolar Disorder is. How the hell are you supposed to help yourself or anyone else if you don’t understand what the claims are? It doesn’t matter if you’re the loved one or the mentally ill one; educate yourself!
I get asked constantly “what books do you recommend?” and my answer is always the same- “All of them.” Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Mental illness is an intensely personal experience. If you’re Bipolar, you can read a book about another Bipolar person that has no relation to how you experience the Disorder. Now you’re questioning if that’s actually the case when the next book may have struck home for you. Read everything you can get your hands on. That way you’ll have a much better idea of how to help your loved one or help yourself.
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The central point of everything I bitch and harp about in regards to mood disorder management is education. The afflicted and their closest loved ones need to understand every facet of the mood disorder if they want to effectively counter it. It’s a simple matter of understanding the enemy to engage and win the battle. Understanding the way a mood disorder warps and twists a person’s perception gives them much greater leverage in not jumping on the unwell thought process and rocketing into insanity.
Near that central point is a choice; an often simple choice that we make incorrectly because our brains are fucked up at the moment. A choice we normally would have never made if our brains were in balance. We can prevent a lot of chaos and misery for us and our loved ones by changing the way we make our decisions while unwell. But first, we have to understand when we are unwell!
1. Work on developing your understanding of your triggers and the way you feel while you are unwell. You likely have symptoms while manic or depressive that you have at no other time. In my case, I have pressured speech, racing thoughts, hypersexuality, arrogance, and I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time but am never tired. Depression is easy to spot in my own apathy, general annoyance at everything slightly inconvenient, and a desire to sleep too much. I only have these qualities when I’m unwell- never any other time.
2. Utilize loved ones to help identify your unwellness. If you have kids, relatives, or a spouse that gives a shit they can help you identify when you’re getting unwell. You can tell younger kids “just tell me if I start acting really weird”. They don’t need to be inundated in details but they know when mom or dad is being irrational or volatile. I feel it’s a good idea to help older kids understand what’s going on so they don’t learn to fear and resent mental illness.
3. Make better choices before taking action. Are you manic? Does the sound of laughing children piss you off? Can you just not stand the sound of your spouse’s voice? Are you depressed? Can you not see any hope for tomorrow? Is every day going to be shit for the rest of your existence?
Those questions are the kind of warped thoughts we all struggle with. It is your choice on how you respond to those children, your spouse, and the hopelessness. Every fiber of your being may be urging you to scream, yell, or worse; but you have to fight that urge. You have to remember that you have a mood disorder and will have disproportionate responses to about everything while you are unwell. And you have to choose to look forward to tomorrow or remove yourself from your manic stressors.
It is not the world’s responsibility to give two shits about managing your triggers. A lot of people don’t understand and don’t want to understand. That means YOU have to be the one to manage YOURSELF.
That’s not an impossible goal even though it may seem like it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “Easier said than done”. Well, no shit. Everything is easier said than done. But you fucking do it anyways because it’s your family, your life, your well being, and your future. And you CAN do it.
Yes, you will inevitably make stupid mistakes. We all do. It gets much easier the more you do it and when you start finding meds that reduce the impact of the unwell swings.
Making better choices can be as simple as removing yourself from a situation that is threatening to spin you out or asking for input from someone you trust. I do both regularly if I don’t trust the defective pile of shit my brain can sometimes be.
You must understand that you are not your Disorder. You may be a terrible person while you are unwell but that does not mean you would make those same choices if you were well. Therefore, you want to get back to making the kinds of decisions you would make while you were well. A mood disorder is just one part of you that can be overwhelming and dominating if untreated, but you do not have to give in to what it will make you think and feel. You can fight it and fight for wellness.
That is a choice.
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I’ve recently seen an uptick in questions about deciphering the decision making process of Bipolar people. Today, I thought I would elaborate on some of my perceptions on how the decision making process works from my own mind and what I’ve seen dealing with a lot of people.
There is a kernel of truth at the root of most, if not all, Bipolar responses. Much like a legend, there is a fragment of truth that has a lot of fantasy built around it. That fantasy is pieced together in a logical (for a Bipolar person) way that may or may not reflect the reality of the situation. Let me use a few examples from my own life.
1. I once had a three week suicidal flat-spin because of a TV commercial. The commercial was about a father and son spending time together. The kernel of truth at the root of that unwell cycle was my guilt at not being there for my own son for about the first decade of his life. So my brain decided- you can’t have that, you can’t fix that, you fucked it up all, killing yourself is the only solution.
2. Being a High-Functioning Autistic; several of my emotional and social processes function very differently. Combine that with Bipolar Disorder and you wind up with some weird combinations. As I was growing up, no one else in my immediate family was mentally ill so I always had this perception of being the odd man out. When I was 15, I was screaming through insanity but internalizing it all because I thought it was “just a phase” or something I’d “get over”.
At that time, I experienced my first real love. However, I was also a HFA; so my emotional processes just worked differently. I didn’t know how to approach or talk to this girl, I didn’t know how to build a friendship with the idea of working towards a relationship, I understood none of these things because I was 15 and do not have many of the same processes that non-autistics do. Her subsequent rejection in combination with the mental isolation and the emergence of the Disorder threw me into a suicidal depression that ended in my only active suicide attempt when I put my father’s 9mm to my head and pulled the trigger.
At the very core of the issue was my misunderstanding of people, how they interacted, how they functioned, and how to function in their world. My brain concluded that since I didn’t fit with my family, my friends, and this person I felt so purely for rejected me- then I didn’t belong here. To me, that is the very root of that explosion. Logical- but entirely irrational and warped by insanity.
When I get emails or people asking questions- I’m always looking for the absolute root of what caused the problem. Without understanding that how can anyone really expect to make meaningful gains? I defused the two examples I cited through educating myself and correcting them. My guilt is less in regards to my son because we interact and visit at least somewhat regularly now. As for relationships; well I’ve still bombed plenty of those but I studied how you HU-MANS conduct them, interact, and worked to remedy or adapt my own deficiencies in those areas.
Having identified those roots I am also able to tell when the Disorder is screwing with my perception of them. I know what the truth and reality is so if my thought processes depart too far from there then I know something is up.
As a supporter, it is so easy to take things personally and feel like you did something wrong when your friend or loved one inevitably implodes. They will. That’s life being Bipolar. The most important thing to keep in mind is rationality. Are the actions of your loved one rational? Do they make sense given the context of the situation? You have the benefit of having a clear mind so you must exercise it to ensure that you aren’t over-exerting yourself in the process. You have your own life, mind, and responsibilities to take care of. Your loved one may want all the best for you but not be able to provide it because yunno- insanity and all.
The key to getting through these periods is open communication and the truth. The truth doesn’t care about how you feel about it. It simply is. Diverting a person’s mind and keeping it focused on the truth and other avenues in a situation is the way to go. “Okay, you lost a job. Tomorrow, you can start looking for a new one. It’s not a reason to drink yourself into a coma or go “confront” your former boss. Let it go, find a new job.”
And in my experience, you usually have to just keep chipping away and refocusing the person’s thoughts towards what the reality is. If you find yourself stumbling through it; just get them through the moment. Tomorrow is another day. “If it’s such a great idea now, it still will be tomorrow or a week from now.” Many destructive decisions made while unwell are the result of a single impulse. You may not be able to knock them out of the unwell period but you can help them avoid making insane decisions in the moment that will fuck their life up.
What if they clam up and go completely silent on you? Well, you’re at a major disadvantage. If you confront, you’re probably not going to win an argument with the person because their brain will just be warping your motivation and words. So long as the person isn’t being threatening to himself or others; it is best to back off and let the person work through their cycle. If you’re the source of it, then your trying to contact or talk to that person is just fueling the fire. Sometimes you have to be able to take a step back and just wait.
Encourage the person to seek professional help or talk to their doctor as soon as possible. As always, anything extreme like suicidal or violent threats should be dealt with by emergency personnel.
I’m going to make this blanket statement to everyone that does their best to love or care about a mentally ill person; and the people that have been burned by we, the nutcases. You’re good people for actually giving a shit. Regardless of whether you think you fucked up or caused an unwell cycle or whatever; you actually care. A lot of people couldn’t give less of a shit if we were alive, dead, or locked away in some asylum of yesteryear chained to a sink.
So don’t be too down on yourself or feel guilty if things don’t go perfectly. You’re not perfect and neither are we. All we can do is the best that we can.
And to those that had to walk away- it’s alright and I can’t say I blame you. Doing what I do here, there are people I’ve had to distance myself from because they were toxic and perfectly content to wallow in their own misery. It’s unfortunate, but it happens.
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Being the friend or loved one of a person with mental illness is extremely difficult. Normals are used to dealing with typical emotions and thought processes from a well-minded perspective. I find that they assume that the mentally ill person in their life should follow similar thought processes. Confusion and hurt feelings is the general result as the mentally ill person’s mind acts in unfamiliar ways. So let’s talk about a few things that will help normal minded people interpret these thought processes more efficiently.
– Don’t jump to conclusions until you know all of the facts.
Facts are the most important tool in dealing with mood disorders (and several mental illnesses). If you don’t have a factual reason to reach a conclusion; then don’t jump to it. Let’s say a mentally unwell friend ceases communication one day. They aren’t responding to texts or phone calls and you don’t know what to think. What conclusion do you draw from that? Is the person in crisis? Or did they just accidentally drop their phone in the toilet? Don’t spend days wondering and letting that stress eat you up. Stop by their house or get in touch with a mutual friend to see what’s going on. Get to the facts of the situation. Your stress will go down a lot.
– Not every contrary action indicates a potential unwell period.
Unwell periods happen. It is important to remember that the mentally ill person in your life is still a person. They do still have regular thoughts, feelings, passions, and annoyances. If they get angry about something; it doesn’t necessarily mean they are getting unstable. Ladies- it would be the same thing as your getting upset about something and a guy asking you if you’re PMSy. You don’t have to be chemically imbalanced to angry or sad about something. What you actually want to look for is irrational thinking. If a person’s words or emotions aren’t fitting a rational narrative then one should consider their potential unwellness. “Fuck, I hate my coworker!” (Rational) vs “Fuck, I hate my coworker! I’m going to go wait for him until he gets off work!” (Irrational)
– Not every suicidal or self-destructive thought is cause for emergency.
I understand the point of the medical profession that every suicidal thought or self-destructive action should be treated with the utmost seriousness. But alerting authorities every time? If someone had done that to me every time I had a dark shift I would still be hospitalized. The fact of the matter is; we nutcases deal with self-destructive, suicidal, and self-harm thoughts on a pretty regular basis. If a person is voicing threats and is clearly unstable- by all means get authorities involved. But a person who is just expressing some dark thoughts- well that’s the kind of thing I would be inclined just to listen to. You can prevent a lot by just being present. I understand the need to ensure nothing negative happens; but that help isn’t free. Sinking someone 4,000 in debt from a half day hospital stay where they do absolutely nothing for you isn’t going to help the person at all. And yes, that shit happens regularly.
– We do not expect you to have all of the answers.
A mentally ill person that confides in you may not be looking for answers at all. In many cases, we know that you don’t have any answers. We are just trying to get some of this shit out of minds and try to let someone else in. Your response can either open the way further or close it back up tight. In the event that the person actually is looking for an answer that you don’t know, just say “I don’t know off the top of my head, but we can look for it if you want.” There’s a lot of quality information on the internet but you sometimes have to really dig for it. Or hell, if you’re reading this you pretty much know where to find me. Leave a comment, send me an email. If I know I’ll be glad to share it with you. But you will find, more often than not, the person is just trying to express some of what is going on in their mind.
– Counter hopelessness with knowledge and understanding.
There will eventually come a time when you are faced with your loved one being hopeless about their life and situation. Being mentally ill is not a death sentence or condemnation to a shitty life. Yes, our challenges are complicated. Yes, it’s not fucking pleasant at all quite a lot of the time. Many of us can live productive lives with self-management, medication, and hard work. A person dealing with a massive downswing in their mentality is stuck in the right now. The way to move them past that is to get their focus shifted towards their future. Remind them- “You can be well. You may not have a typical life, but it can be good. We just have to keep working towards it together.”
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All across the internet you will find articles and advice on dealing with the damaged in a loving and kind manner. That is well and good in many cases. However, there are many people that have no interest in understanding themselves, their mental illness, or how it affects those around them. These people think that because they have problems that everyone else should cater to their issues and treat them with kid gloves. The person may also feel that they don’t need to change. Whatever the reason- understand that these people can and will pull you under the surface with them if you let them. They may not mean to, but they can.
So how do we deal with these types of people? In my opinion, the answer is quite simple. You establish rules, boundaries, and then enforce them like you would a child. The reason is the way mood disorders work. I often speak of my brain in an adversarial nature. “I didn’t want to do this but my brain decided it was a good idea.” That’s because my unwell brain is nothing like my well brain. My unwell brain may scream at me to take a swing at someone who won’t shut up; but I would never do that if I was in a well state of mind.
Rules and boundaries act as solid anchors to reality. The person CANNOT go this route without repercussions. It’s been clearly stated, they know what will happen otherwise, and these types of anchors can actually pierce through the turmoil by forcing an unwell person to stop and think about their actions. The more the person is forced to think about their actions; the better chance they have to realize what they are doing is a result of their illness.
The most common response I get to this line of thinking is “I can’t be harsh to my friend/loved one”. I would counter that by pointing out the person running wild in their instability is not your friend or loved one. It is a warped version of that person who is sick. Your loved one is in there somewhere; but for whatever reason they are presently losing their battle (not the war) with their mental illness. If anything, it should be viewed as taking drastic steps to try and find that person and haul them back to the surface.
I’m going to give some examples of what I’m talking about. It would be impossible for me to include a comprehensive listing; but if you have a specific situation you would like some input on, email me. Contact info will be at the bottom of the post.
*I have a friend who calls me incessantly to the point that it fills my voice mail and even cost my a job interview.
ex. “All friendships and relationships have boundaries and you are overstepping ours. Your actions cost me at least one interview and who knows what else because people couldn’t leave me a message. Do not call me more than once a day. If you do, I will call the phone company and have your number blocked.”
*I have an adult relative who lives with me. He does nothing but idle, won’t take his medication, won’t go to the doctors, and won’t get a job.
ex. “I am willing to help you if you are willing to help yourself. This isn’t a hotel and you’ll never get well unless you actually do something about it. So you can start making an effort to take your meds, visit your doctor, and (if capable) get at least a part-time job; or you’re going to have to find another place to live.”
*I have a loved one who is verbally and/or physically abusive while they are unwell.
ex. “Mental illness is no excuse for being abusive and will not be tolerated. If you persist on being verbally abusive, I will remove myself from the situation. If you persist, I will remove you from my life and get a restraining order if I have to. If I feel like I’m in danger, you hurt me, or you threat to kill yourself or me; I will notify authorities.”
As you can see, each one is very clear and concise in approach. It puts the choice in the hands of the mentally ill person. That way when they come around to blame you (and they will), you can point back at it and say “I gave you a choice and you made it. This was your decision.” The goal is to try and break through the mental illness to the rational part of their brain. A mood disorder unwell thought process is very similar to a tsunami. The further it is allowed to go, the bigger and harder to stop it becomes. There has to be something solid in the way to break up that wave (or thought process). By introducing such harsh measures with clear repercussions, we are hopefully putting sturdy walls in the path of the wave.
Reintegrating such a person into your life should be handled the same way. “I’ll let you move back in, but you must maintain your medication and go to your doctor. If you do not- then you’ll have to find another place to live. Entirely your choice.”
To all the friends, parents, supporters, and loved ones of those with mental illnesses like Depression and Bipolar Disorder- I know that many of you want to understand and help your loved one. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can truly help your loved is them. They are the one that needs to go to the doctor, take their meds, monitor their moods, and most importantly- realize there is a problem in the first place. The greatest way to help these people is to force them to realize that their way of conducting life, their way of thinking is damaging. The sooner, the better- which is why I advocate strong measures even early in the process. It could be the difference between lost months and lost decades.
Yes, it’s probably going to be difficult for you to establish limits and stick to them. Even if they storm away and you end up separating from that person for awhile; you are actually still helping them. At some point their brain is going to hit rational thought processes again and think about those circumstances. It may very well contribute to their moment of clarity even if you haven’t heard from them in months.
Unfortunately, there are people that can’t or won’t help themselves either. These people will draw you to the bottom like an anchor. They will drain you of all of your emotional energy and bring the chaos of their lives into yours. It’s one thing to be there for someone who is trying to get themselves together; it’s another to be constantly victimized or treated badly by someone who is just fine with it. Look at the entire picture of the situation. Is this person trying to help themselves? If the answer is no- put distance between you if the person is damaging.
Many people with mood disorders and mental illnesses can reach a point of management and live a mostly normal life. Unfortunately, getting the person to realize that and fight for it is often an extremely difficult road. It can take years of suffering and loss before that person realizes they have to be the one to take control.
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An extremely difficult aspect of living with Bipolar Disorder is keeping friendships and relationships in the long-term. The swings that we experience are not only destructive to ourselves but to those we are closest to. Preserving relationships with the people we care most about requires sacrifice, effort, and understanding from all of the involved parties. The following is a foundation for building an approach to keeping these relationships intact. Much of the advice I provide is distilled to a bare bones approach that I feel anyone can adapt to their lifestyle. Mental illness is a personal experience like no other, thus it requires a personalized management style.
*Educating Both Parties
The first step is to build a foundation of knowledge for both parties. The Bipolar person should wait until they are as level as they can be to prevent perceived slights from exploding.
– Bipolar: As a Bipolar, we need to understand how a loved one perceives us while unwell. Are they afraid, uncomfortable, pained? After you level off, you will need to initiate the steps to repair the breach.
– Normal: A Bipolar that is in an unwell period is perceiving life through a twisted lens. We react to things in ways that make no sense to anyone but us. The person that you know and love is in there. It may take days or months, but under normal circumstances they will return when in balance.
*Preservation Strategy
On a regular basis, we the Bipolar are left watching the ashes of our personal lives drifting through our fingers. The actions we take while unwell always have greater repercussions through every aspect of our lives. Thus, we should strive to minimize the damage of the flame once it ignites.
– Bipolar: Always remind yourself to hear what you are being told. Try to prevent their statements from running away in your mind. “I can’t give you ten bucks.” Doesn’t mean anything more than that though it can easily get to ‘That person won’t give me ten bucks because they don’t love, respect, or care about me. So fuck that mother fucker too!’ And now you’re in a hostile mentality ripe for torching that friendship.
– Normal: Be aware that any action or statement you make could get blown out of proportion in the Bipolar’s mind. However, that does not mean that you are to be a doormat or a victim. When dealing with someone who is unwell, keep your statements short and to the point. If their reaction seems out of sync with what is going on, it is quite likely the Disorder twisted it out of proportion. Stay calm and even. If you cannot, leave the conflict. Step away with something like, “I’m not sure if you are unwell or not, but I do not feel this conversation is constructive. We will talk about it tomorrow.” By doing so, you are not providing fuel to make the situation worse.
*Forgiveness Is All Important
There is no more powerful action than forgiveness. That does NOT mean you should allow yourself to ever be a victim or doormat. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat other people like shit. Yes, we periodically do treat other people terribly, but that does not make it right or acceptable.
– Bipolar: Be aware that everyone has certain boundaries that cannot be crossed. In the event that you do, you may very well lose that person or drive them away for good. Should that time come there is not a whole lot you will be able to do. Avoid letting feelings of resentment, anger, or abandonment build. Forgive them. Tell them you understand and let them go. Why? By doing so you are not reinforcing the unwell you in their mind. They are seeing you are a rational, reasonable, understanding person. Their thoughts in the coming days won’t be about whatever lunacy you were going through at the time, but be focused more on their last, rational interaction with you.
– Normal: Not everyone can handle being around the mentally unwell when they are. You need to identify your limits so you know what is entirely out of bounds. This will help the Bipolar person as well since they may be able to recognize it as a boundary. At some point in time, I took to looking behind a person’s actions for motivation before making a judgment. The same thing will help when deciding whether or not to forgive a Bipolar person their slights against you.
For example: I’ve been through approximately 25 jobs in the last 15 years or so. While I was with my second ex-Fiancee, I was still without diagnosis. I continued to lose jobs on a regular basis. Instead of coming clean about it, I lied about why I kept losing jobs to her. Now on the surface, one can just look at it and go “okay you lied several times, you’re a shithead.” and in large part I’d agree. However, I lied because I knew I had difficulties holding a job and was trying to turn it around. I knew it would affect her clinical depression and I did not want her to be so mad at me that I could not help her get through it. Was it right? No. Would I have handled it that way if I was well? No. Was it what my unwell brain told me was the best approach? Yep.
There are very few simple, clear cut reasons with a Bipolar thought process. If they do not cross your limits, its better to forgive them if you don‘t understand the thought process they are relating to you.
*Repairing Breaches
To the people that have experienced the pain of losing someone close to them because of their actions, you might find it hard to believe that there is a silver-lining. Going back, apologizing, and repairing the breaches between you and the people you care about can greatly strengthen your relationships. In addition, it will help separate the people that can handle your unwellness from those that can’t. You will have to take the step forward though. Embrace whatever humility you have to approach the people you wounded to ask forgiveness.
When I put this idea forward, the first response I usually get is “Why should I apologize! I’m the one with the mental illness!” I understand your frustration. This is not about mental illness, this is about showing remorse for hurting someone you care about. The approach I typically use is as follows:
‘I apologize for (insert action here) and the effect it had on you. I was in an unwell Bipolar cycle at the time so I was not myself. And I want you to understand, this is not an excuse but a reason. I acknowledge what I did, I know it was not the right thing to do, and to be honest, there’s a better than good chance I’ll probably end up doing something just as stupid in the future. That’s life with Bipolar Disorder. If you want to forgive me, that’s your choice. If not, I understand that too. If I can make it right, I will.’
And then I give the person space to think if they need it. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few weeks, very rarely do they ever disappear for good.
*A Final Thought
The people in your life that can accept the bullshit we put them through and forgive you are your most valuable allies in your battle for wellness. If they are a person you can trust, their word becomes invaluable while you are unwell. They can be an anchor to what reality actually is. In my case, if I am acting severely out of my mind and someone points it out to me, rather than go out and about and cause the chaos that will come with being unwell; I hole up and ride it out until it passes. Once I rebalance, I get back on the path of whatever it is I was doing. By doing so, I help minimize damage and shorten my unwell periods. The more fuel shoveled in the furnace of mind the longer I’m going to burn, right?
Don’t hesitate to bring the people you love and care about in your world if you are Bipolar. They already know your different facets. They may not like, agree, or desire the unwell you. But there is a person in there that they value and love, otherwise they wouldn’t be putting up with our bullshit. In most cases, the person they love is the well person we are struggling so hard to get to with the therapy, doctors, medication, exercises, and more.
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