Tag: suicide

Categories
Slider

Essential Oils, Psych Meds, and Suicide

Author’s Note and Trigger Warning: The following post discusses Suicide and heavy subjects related to mental illness. Please make sure you’re in a comfortable mental space before continuing. This post was written with the assistance and approval of surviving family members. Names and certain details have been changed to protect the privacy and anonymity of those involved.

I met Brittney and her husband David in the spring of 2010. She was an assistant facilitator of a mood disorder support group that I decided to attend when I was just starting on my recovery path. I became friends with her and her husband, exchanging the periodic email and catching up every once awhile. A few months ago, I got a different kind of email from David, informing me that Brittney had completed suicide earlier this year. She was in her mid forties.

Brittney’s life wasn’t easy. She was born into an abusive family and eventually taken away by Children’s Services before she turned 10 years old. She never knew her father and her mother died of a heroin overdose before reaching her teens. Brittney was adopted and mostly raised by her grandparents who struggled to contain her rebellious, impulsive streak. Her grandmother describes her as too smart and sarcastic for her own good, even at a young age.

At about 19 years old, she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and promptly rejected her diagnosis. She refused therapy, medication, or to acknowledge that it could be a possibility. It wasn’t until her late 20s that she finally acknowledged her diagnosis after a psychotic episode hospitalized her. By then, she was also self-medicating, struggling with a heroin addiction and alcoholism. Brittney went through rehab multiple times before she started to really embrace trying to understand herself, her mental illness, and how it had affected her life to that point.

It took a couple years but she eventually found a combination of medications that worked for her. She started attending therapy to sort through her emotional baggage. With her new-found stability, she rekindled her on again, off again relationship with her high school sweetheart David and went to college. She completed undergrad, and then went off to grad school where she earned a Master’s in Business Administration, a goal she never thought she would attain. Though she didn’t particularly love her job in middle management, she was generally happy with her life and proud of what she had accomplished.

About a year ago, she started getting interested in the multi-level marketing companies that her girlfriends were getting involved in, particularly essential oils. David related that she hated feeling enslaved to psych medications to be functional and normal. She spent a lot of time reading and relaying information about essential oils and the evils of Big Pharma, particularly the toxins that she was afraid of going into her body because of her psych medication.

Brittney clashed with her family over her desire to quit her medication, all the while being encouraged to quit her meds and detox by the natural living and “Wellness Advocates” she had surrounded herself with. She eventually accused her family of being abusive and controlling, not wanting her “to be happy and live her best life.” Her words, according to her grandmother.

As far as David can tell, that’s about the same time she quit all of her medication and refused to see her doctor or therapist anymore. She insisted they were bought and paid for by Big Pharma.

David relates that she went from relatively stable to paranoid, chaotic, and violent within just a few weeks. She quit her job, maxed out her credit cards, and spent their savings on joining and buying thousands of dollars of product from two different multi-level marketing companies.

She was hospitalized not long after, where she would be in-patient for several weeks. Eventually, she was deemed stable enough to be discharged and went home to her family.

Brittney completed suicide not even a week later. She was found by her eight year old daughter.

Ladies and gentlemen – every single day you are influenced, lied to, and manipulated by advertisers and people pushing an agenda. The various entities that embody a “wellness industry” that sits outside of regulation and certification is no different. It is absolutely true that essential oils can have reasonable uses for a number of minor maladies or problems. However, it is also absolutely true that companies and advertisers use words as weapons to manipulate those who don’t know any better into thinking their products will deliver some holy grail results that the medical industry just can’t or won’t.

Detoxification is a widely exploited myth. Your body naturally detoxifies itself on a 24/7 basis. And for those of us that are taking serious psych meds, we are generally getting regular bloodwork and testing done to ensure that they are not shutting down organs or reaching toxic levels.

Detox is wielded as an ambiguous buzzword that does not have a concrete, consistent definition from “wellness company” to “wellness company.” In the actual practice of medicine, a medical detox is weaning someone off of a controlled substance like alcohol or heroin, where withdrawal can harm or kill the person.

“But I’ve detoxed before and it really made me feel so much better! I really believe in it!” Great. Believe whatever you want to believe, but you still never tell anyone else to quit taking their medication. That’s not for you to do.

“But Big Pharma is evil! They only care about money!” This is a more difficult and nuanced perspective. I’ve met way too many professionals that do not understand the fear and mistrust that exists on the consumer side – fear and mistrust that drives decisions like Brittney’s. I don’t implicitly trust the mental health industry either. Like anything involving humanity, there’s going to be some shadiness to it somewhere. That’s just how it is, but that’s no reason to throw it all away either. If you throw away everything shady that humanity touches, there would be nothing left.

“Why don’t people trust science? Why don’t people trust doctors?” Because those industries do a piss-poor job of conveying the complexity and difficulty of it all, though I’m not confident that people would actually listen if they did focus more on public relations.

Hell, look at the prevalence of Type 2 Diabetes, which could be curbed if we just stopped shoveling garbage and sugar into our mouths on a constant basis, but we don’t even bother to do that for the most part. And no judgment, I’m just as guilty of eating a garbage diet for most of my life.

Be that as it may, you still have advertisers and executives pushing their agendas to sell more drugs and increase their profits. And we shouldn’t forget the illustrious insurance companies who don’t even seem to view us as people at times.

“But you should trust your doctor!” Yeah, we should. We should be able to trust our doctors. Doctors that told us tobacco wasn’t harmful, that handed out opioids and psych meds like candy. And of course, the humane and compassionate way the mentally ill have been treated throughout the years. I’d like to be able to trust my doctor wholly and completely, but I don’t, because they are fallible human beings.

Do you know who I trust even less than that? People who offer something for nothing.

“Essential oils can help lift your moods and may help with anxiety and depression! No side effects!” The problem with that statement is that it is disingenuous. Different people read words like mood disorder, anxiety, and depression in different ways. And mentally ill people tend to forget that words like bipolar, anxiety, and depression have other definitions that do not have to be referring to an actual diagnosed disorder. Anxiety can mean general fear and discomfort. Depression can mean general negativity and being down. They don’t necessarily mean mental illness – but that’s not how mentally ill people hear those words.

And the dishonest essential oil companies, the one peddling their wares as cure-alls with minimal side effects, exploit that perception by writing their marketing and recruiting materials in such a way that allows you to come to that conclusion on your own without needing to assert it, standing in a nebulous gray area that’s going to take new legislation to fix. But even then, it’ll barely matter. They’ll do the same thing they did when pyramid schemes were made illegal. They’ll hire a team of lawyers to interpret the new legislation, restructure, and rewrite their materials to skirt the law and take advantage of the unaware.

“But essential oils really helped me!” Great. You still do not tell other people to quit taking their psych meds. That’s not for you to do.

And if you do want to incorporate some natural methods into your mental health management, you need to discuss it with your prescribing doctor. Double-checking with your pharmacist to make sure there won’t be any conflicts is also a good idea. “Natural” and “pure” are common advertising buzzwords that sound good but essentially mean nothing. Cyanide is natural and pure.

A pharmacist is the person who will be most knowledgeable on those interactions. Their knowledge is much deeper than counting pills and putting them in a bottle for you.

And finally, if you are a person who either sells or is interested in selling “wellness products”, essential oils, or other “natural remedies” – this isn’t a fucking game. People suffer and die.

People like Brittney, who spent over a decade well and sober, who died alone by her own hand. People like her daughter, who goes to therapy every week to deal with the PTSD from finding her mother. People like her other children, who now get to grow up without their mother. People like her husband, who is now raising their kids alone and misses her every day. People like her grandmother, who have been with her from the beginning, who struggled and sacrificed to try and help her when she wasn’t ready to help herself. People like her friends who will mourn her. And the people that she touched and helped on their own paths who will mourn her.

And for what? Not thinking past a few lousy dollars because some dick in a suit with a bright smile sells people on the idea that they are improving health, offering hope and wellness in lieu of the big bad Big Pharma and “evil” medical industry.

Essential oils may be able to temporarily improve your mood, but they are no substitute for psych medication. They will not control or cure any mood disorder or mental illness. They cannot and should not be used to treat any mental illness or mood disorder, despite what their marketing materials insinuate and “Wellness Advocates” may claim. Always take your medication as directed. If you want to quit or change it, talk to your prescribing professional first.

And always remember, if you have Bipolar Disorder and you are doing well on medication, it’s because of the medication! Don’t stop taking it. Bipolar Disorder is for life. The reality that we need to accept is that medication is the difference between life and death for a lot of us. That’s just the way it is and the reality we have to accept.

Rest in peace, Brittney.

 

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


You can also find me on Facebook or Twitter.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/YourBipolarFriend

Twitter: www.twitter.com/BipolarFriend22

Categories
General Slider

About “Talk to Someone” and Crisis

On July 20th, 2017, Chester Bennington died by suicide. I was never much of a fan of Linkin Park. They had a couple of okay songs and, a long time ago, I owned one of their CD’s (that’s a Compact Disc for you youngin’s). I didn’t even know his name before the headline started crashing across social media. Even still, it hurts to see another person lose their war. You know that there will be pain and suffering left behind in the people that he loved and that loved him. And, as a mentally ill person, you wonder if that will be your end as well. You may not want it to be, but you can’t really know how the culmination of your past with the grinding of the present and future will wear you down. It’s a stark reminder of a reality that many of us live with twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Every time there is a high profile suicide social media is overran with grief and anger. People are constantly sharing articles about warning signs, retweeting crisis services, and posturing about how much they care and claim to want to help. As you may have guessed by my tone, I have a problem with this.

My problem is that I feel it may prevent at-risk people from getting meaningful help that they need while instilling a false confidence in the general public of how much they can legitimately help a person who is in crisis. I want to call specific attention to the words “in crisis,” because there are plenty of people who may be in a dark space that just need someone to be present with them for a little while.

I am not talking about that. I am specifically talking about people who are at or near their limit.

About Target Audiences and Demographics

As a writer and a marketer, understanding one’s target audience is of the utmost importance when constructing a Call to Action (CtA) or message. The method you choose in trying to gain a conversion is often more important than the message. A conversion can be anything from convincing another person to accept a new idea, buy a product or service, sign up for a newsletter, or take some kind of action. A CtA is the content or statement that you are using to try to get the viewer to take an action.

Let’s deconstruct a common Call to Action. “Talk to someone if you are having a hard time.”

Who is the target audience of this CtA? It’s people that are struggling, unstable, depressed, possibly suicidal, and emotionally compromised – people that may not be in the best mental space for making sound decisions. Still, it’s an audience that needs to be reached.

What action are we trying to convince this audience to take? We want them to get the help and support that they need to get through whatever it is they may be dealing with. We want them to communicate. Again, nothing wrong with that. That is a valuable message.

My problem with this statement comes from “talk to” and “someone.” They are not the right words.

On “Talk to…”

All my life I’ve been told to talk about my problems, I’d feel better. I know I’m not the only one. That works well for people who are not mentally ill because they do not have traumatic experiences or physiological processes impeding the way their mind should function.

On the other hand, I have Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression. Talking about my problems never did much for me because talking about those problems did not change the physiological processes and physical problems associated with my mental illnesses. I stopped talking about my problems because talking about them just made them more complicated to deal with. In regards to friends and relationships, now I have to deal with what’s going on in my mind on top of trying to make you feel like you actually helped so you won’t feel bad, so I won’t feel bad for making you feel bad and like you couldn’t help me. What I really needed was medication to control the physiological processes and therapy to fix the way I perceived and interpreted the world through my mental illness.

You have social attitudes about talking about your problems to cut through. The way I combat this perception is to frame that kind of statement in a way that is solution oriented. I don’t want a person to just talk about their problem, I want them to talk to a certified professional that can help them find a way to manage or solve that problem.

The statement “talk to” is too indirect, intangible. An important piece of an effective CtA is an action that spells out a direct reaction. Why? Because people will not figure it out on their own. They just don’t. You have to lead people directly from Point A to Point B. You can look at about any commercial or advertisement that is asking you to do something for confirmation. “Sign up for this newsletter and receive a free XYZ!” You must tell people exactly what you want from them and why or the chance of them taking action drops straight off.

Talk is technically a correct word, but it’s not a good choice because of the stigma and emotion people associate with it. Hell, “talk therapy” doesn’t necessarily indicate just talking about one’s problems. I found talk therapy to be incredibly helpful in learning to understand myself and my mental illness. What I did not do was talk just to talk or be heard. I talked because I had a specific goal in mind of understanding what was going on in my head and how to manage it. Talking about my problems? Useless. Talking about my problems to find a solution for them? That provides a course of action not influenced by my personal feelings or perceptions.

Why does this matter? Because of the word “someone”.

On “Someone…”

Who exactly is “someone?” Now, you may be sitting there thinking, “Oh! A doctor! A crisis counselor! A therapist!” Fair and valid. What about a person who is suicidal or going through something horrible? Who are they are going to reach out to? Is their first thought going to be seeking professional help? Doubtful. They are more likely to reach out to people that they believe love them, care about them, or that they care about. That is a major problem.

It’s a problem because of mental health stigma and how many people are in dysfunctional families and relationships. I started on my advocacy path in 2010. I cannot tell you how many fucking times I’ve heard variations of, “I tried talking to my mom, but she didn’t think it was a big deal.” “I tried talking to my husband, but he doesn’t care.” “I tried talking to my sister, but all she said was, ‘This, again?’” “I tried talking to my best friend, but they were too busy and I didn’t want to bother them.” Over and over and over and over and over. And that’s not even touching on the number of abuse survivors who reached out for help in their worst times and were met with inaction.

Who is “someone?” Is someone the spouse that’s been gaslighting and tormenting them? Is someone a parent that doesn’t believe in mental illness? Is someone a person they think is their friend, who doesn’t actually give a damn about them? Is someone a member of a dysfunctional family? Is someone a person who has ground down that at-risk person’s mental and emotional health to control and manipulate them?

Or maybe someone is a person who cares, is a kind and loving soul, is gentle, considerate and warm. Someone who donates to charity and would offer you the shirt off their back. And maybe that someone, with all their warm thoughts and good intentions, doesn’t have an iota of knowledge or experience in being that close to something so delicate. Perhaps that someone believes that the fact they care is good enough to patch up the wounds of a difficult or traumatic life. It’s not. Caring isn’t good enough.

Many wounds just don’t heal all of the way. Look at Chester – sexually abused as a child, recovering from addiction, and long-term mental health challenges. For a lot of people, those scars do not fully heal. They can be brought under control, they can be managed, they can be worked on, but they still linger to some degree and need to be managed in the long-term. And to manage them in the long-term, mentally ill people need more than just people caring. They and their families need support, they need the clinical knowledge that professionals can provide, they need affordable and accessible services.

Crisis services are well, good, and important; but what about the rest of life? What about the times when we’re not in crisis but starting to slide? What is the long-term solution to that? I watched many people beat the drum on Chester’s “cries for help.” I don’t know how many of those people realize that he did reach out for help and support when he needed it from his friends and bandmates. But, after awhile, you just don’t want to anymore.

In Conclusion…

The posturing that happens every time there is a high profile suicide feels so phony. It’s bothersome how oblivious society is about the everyday struggle of dealing with and surviving long-term mental illness. And I dislike the phrase, “Talk to someone if you are having a hard time.” I feel that this statement puts at-risk people in a position to either be harmed or dissuaded from pursuing professional help more often than not.

I do not believe that encouraging suicidal or severely mentally ill people to talk to just anyone about their problems is a good idea. By all means, be supportive, try to be understanding, thank them for opening up…but encourage them to talk to someone who is trained to meaningfully help them. Yes, support from friends and family is important. As a supporter, there is definitely a line where help from a qualified, certified mental health professional is necessary.

It’s a tricky thing because people need different things. There are plenty of us out there who do see and talk to our medical professionals, who still do sometimes just need someone to be present with us in a difficult moment. On the other hand, a lot of the messages being pumped out after high profile suicides are related to suicidal people.

It all just depends on the person and the specific situation; which isn’t a good combination with the general, generic nature of social media posturing.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!



Categories
Uncategorized

The Post-Escalation Depressive Crash and What It Means to You

I was recently asked if I could find a decent article on the Depression one can experience after a person with Bipolar Disorder crashes out of an escalation. I couldn’t find one that I was satisfied with or that addressed this matter specifically, so here we are.

About the Post-Escalation Crash

Bipolar Disorder is characterized by the mood cycles it gives us. We go up, we go down. Right? Right.

An escalated cycle (mania or hypomania) is like putting our mind into overdrive for as long as we are escalated. Sooner or later, that cycle will end. The Bipolar mind typically snaps back hard into Depression because it has been in such a severe state of overdrive for the duration of that cycle.

How severe is it? Typically, it will be a far worse and deeper depression than we normally experience. In my case specifically, I go from being reasonably intelligent to not being able to do basic math in my head. The thoughts just aren’t there. I never drive in a post-escalation crash period because my mind won’t connect thoughts and actions. As an example…

My mind crashed out of an escalated cycle while driving once. I was escalated one minute and cratered into severe depression the next. I almost ended up rear-ending someone because my brain ceased to do what it is supposed to do. Consider the process required for braking.

1. The person ahead applies brakes and their brake lights come on.

2. Your brain sees the brake lights.

3. Your brain associates the brake lights of the car ahead with a need to stop.

4. Your brain sends the signal to your legs to apply the brake pedal.

That all happens in the span of a second or two. It’s just habit for people that drive on a regular basis.

Now consider what might happen if you insert 3-15 seconds of brain lag between each of those steps with no guarantee that your brain will connect the dots properly. Consider what might happen if your brain doesn’t pull the correct information about the scenario. “What are those lights for?” “I can’t remember which one is the brake pedal!” “That car is slowing down! What do I do?!”

The Difference Between a Crash and a Depressive Cycle

I want to preface this section by noting that this is heavily opinion and theory based on my interpretation of facts. Take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve met many people who feel that this deep crash is another type of cycle. I don’t believe this to be the case and there’s no real support for that belief, that I know of, other than the person having Bipolar Disorder and the low being depression. I don’t believe it to be a cycle of its own because it is often temporary. In most of the examples I’ve seen in myself and in the several people with Bipolar Disorder I interact with on a regular basis, it’s not unusual for the person to crash hard and then float back to their normal.

The crash is just different. It just feels and functions different than what my depression normally gives me. And it does the same thing in numerous other Bipolar people that I’ve been around. It can be frightening and intimidating, which is made worse by the depression, because we’re not used to it.

The other problem is that people who have been dealing with this for a long time often get used to how Bipolar Disorder affects them. “Well, my depression has done this for 30 years. Why would it change now?” It changes because Bipolar Disorder often gets worse with age, so it changes the way things can happen in your brain in addition to whatever other influences are at work such as stress, medication, general life situations, and more.

So, if you haven’t ever experienced it before and you suddenly are, it’s not unusual.

How do we deal with it?

As always, talk to your mental health professionals first and foremost. Communicate with them about what is going on, particularly if it persists for longer than a few weeks. In my personal experience and with other Bipolar people I’ve been around, it usually doesn’t take longer than 2 or 3 weeks to recover. If it takes longer than that, it’s very likely that a medication may need adjusted or added.

The “natural control” crowd often doesn’t want to hear that, particularly if they are in the camp of Bipolar people who aren’t so severe that they can manage with very little medical oversight. But the fallout from this type of cycle can be far, far more severe than what natural management practices can handle.

First, I would recommend revisiting the way that you look at a dominant escalated cycle. A lot of people look at it like this…

maniabelief

When really it looks more like this…

maniareality

We need to account for he possibility of that extremely deep crash. We need to have a strategy for dealing with that as well.

Rest is an important part of recovery, in my personal experience and with many of the people I interact with on a regular basis.  A lot of times I’ll sleep 12-16 hours a day for about a week after I crash and then my brain will rebalance.

Sometimes, patience is the only way you can handle these things.

But, as previously mentioned, involve your mental health professionals as much as possible so they can look at your situation specifically. If it’s lasting more than a couple weeks, we may need a medication adjustment to pull us back towards our normal baseline.

A Theory About Post-Crash Depression and Suicide

Again, pointing out that this is just a theory based on my interpretation of facts and I have no way to substantiate it. I strongly suspect that a post-manic crash is when a majority of suicide attempts driven by Bipolar Disorder occur.

Consider the following.

Ben is well and balanced for years. His body becomes acclimated to the medication and he triggers into a manic cycle that he doesn’t identify because he doesn’t realize that medication efficiency doesn’t last forever. He goes from loving husband and father to manic monster over the course of a couple weeks, unloading verbal and emotional abuse on his family until he finally decides that his family is the source of all of his misery and walks out.

He quits his career, something he went to college for, to pursue his “lifelong dream” of being a rock star even though he hasn’t picked up an instrument in 20 years, shacks up with some random woman he met, files for a divorce, and tears his life to pieces as his brain is screaming through mania.

About a year later, the manic cycle comes screeching to a halt. Ben crashes hard into depression. His mind is no longer plagued by the delusional emotions and thoughts of mania. The love for his family is back, in full force, with the knowledge of what he did to them. Everything he’s built in his career is in shambles. None of the emotions he had for this random woman are present anymore. She becomes collateral damage in the cycle because Ben probably related his delusional thoughts and feelings about his family to her. And many people in her position are convinced by the “passion” and emotional instability a person like Ben is projecting; when in reality he’s just projecting manic delusion.

And he’s in the process of being divorced from the woman he wanted to spend his life with.

On top of all of that, now he has a severe, deep depression which is an entirely new experience; a depression that he is not used to navigating. And Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar-depression, is whispering in his mind on a nearly constant basis about how badly he fucked up. Delusional, incorrect thoughts and feelings plague his mind while he is drowning in the depression with all of the lies it likes to tell us. “It’s hopeless, it’s pointless. You’ve lost everything. You’ll never be able to fix this.”

What’s left for Ben? He’s burned the bridges to the people he cares about. Hopefully, he would reach out to an emergency service or his doctor. But I’m certain plenty of people do not. I think that this time period, when a Bipolar person swaps from the “invincibility” of mania to the most fragile emotional state we will ever experience, is the most likely time that we will decide we’re done with this ride.

What can we do about it?

The only solution I can think of is to plant a seed that will hopefully blossom after they crash. I would say something to the effect of, “If ever there comes a time when you realize how awful you’ve been acting, please reach out to me so we can get you help.” And that may be a real hard thing to do with someone whose brain is screaming through insanity with all of the chaos and misery that goes along with it. Hopefully, they will remember that when their brain finally crashes out and know that they can reach out instead of seeing suicide as the only option left.

That does not mean you make them promises or welcome them back with open arms or anything. Every situation is different. Every person has limits on what they are able to deal with. But, many of the people that are faced with this decision are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, spouses; and so on. It could be the difference between just a serious life change versus needing to explain to the kids why their parent is gone. And if they do reach out, get them in touch with an organization that can help at-risk, in-crisis people that serves your area. In the United States that would be the National Suicide Crisis LifeLine 800-273-TALK (8255) and their site also has a chat contact option, which may be good for some.

How will I know if a toxic person is just trying to manipulate me?

Given that most of the people dealing with this will know the Bipolar person very well personally, you’ll know. It’s a night and day difference. Just pay attention to ensure they are acting on trying to get help. Don’t promise that they can come home or that there won’t be repercussions. Don’t promise to forgive and definitely don’t forget. Just focus on getting that person in contact with people that can help them.

And finally…

I want to take a final moment to point out that this article specifically points at a dominant escalated cycle and the subsequent ending of it, not general instability or Rapid Cycling. I’ve known Bipolar people who never really had extremely deep lows and highs. This information may not be 100% applicable to each of us specifically. Nothing is when you’re dealing with mental illness. If you’re in doubt, talk to your mental health professional. If this resonates with you, feel free to let your professional read this, get their thoughts on it, and develop a strategy for dealing with it that makes sense for YOU.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Depression

Of Robin Williams, Depression, And Suicide…

Robin WilliamsWell, it’s been about two weeks now since Robin decided to end his life. I talked to quite a few other Bipolar and Depressive people who hit a similar low on hearing about that. It was kind of weird because I didn’t feel any particular attachment to the guy in general. I thought he was funny and generally liked him in his stand up and movies; but didn’t even take any great strides to see anything he was in. I definitely could see and identify with his approach to dealing with depression; make other people laugh and focus on something else so you don’t have to think about it for awhile.

Reading the news was an instant depressive trigger. I felt my brain try to rocket into the pit but the antidepressants must be working to an extent. As I stated in my short update post, it was like someone took a tennis ball, hauled back and threw it as hard as they could downwards. It tried to drop out and just bounced off the floor, then dribbled a bit as it settled at a lower level than what I had been at. For the first couple of days, my brain just would not function correctly. In a depressive crash, the person’s brain may suffer slow down and lag; like being on a shitty internet connection. That’s where my brain was. Normally, I do a fair amount of writing about finance and law for clients; but at that point I was having a hard time just adding double digit numbers in my head.

I expressed this to my mother who asked if I was just feeling sympathy or sorrow. Being that my brain was being a sluggish piece of shit, I couldn’t articulate that a Bipolar crash or spike has its own feel. Mental illness is illness; symptoms and hints are there at what you’re experiencing or may experience. I know it was a depressive crash because a depressive crash only feels like a depressive crash. (Depressive crash.) It would be like slamming my fingers in a car door and someone asking, “Are you sure you didn’t stub your toe?” Yes, I am quite sure I didn’t stub my toe. Not only did I just slam my fingers in the door (a trigger, e.g. Robin’s suicide) but I have symptoms relating to that incident (symptoms; brain rapidly falls out which lasts for days, brain slows down and loses critical thinking capabilities, the void of depression sets in).

I have a bitch of a time articulating myself verbally during these times partly because my brain slows to a crawl and partly because, as a high-functioning autistic, I have a hard time converting my emotions and feelings verbally. But yeah- thanks for the Devil’s Advocacy either way! (Seriously, that sounds sarcastic but it’s not.)

There has been a ton of speculation about the reasons behind Robin’s suicide from mainstream media, mentally ill people, and mental health groups. As someone that is going on about a two decade war with Bipolar-Depression; I’ve seen several parallels between his struggles, actions, and how I view my own future 30 or 40 years down the road.

Was Robin Williams Bipolar?
So let’s address the elephant in the room. Was Robin Williams Bipolar (or Manic-Depressive)? Those of you that saw my initial post about the news, I mentioned that “another Bipolar kills themselves”. The memory I was drawing from was from when the comedian Jonathan Winters died. Winters was diagnosed Manic-Depressive (Type 1) and was a huge inspiration to Williams. I had thought I remembered Williams stating that he was such a big inspiration, not only for his comedy, but due to his own struggles with manic-depression. I now believe this to have been a confused memory on my behalf. I dug for the article but I simply couldn’t find it. So chances are pretty good my brain was just being a piece of shit, as it is wont to do.

Williams publicly stated on numerous occasions that he struggled with severe depression for most of his life. Bipolar bloggers point at his animated comedy and screen persona as evidence of mania. Initially, that was the thought I had as well until I recently went back and watched his stand up again.

The thing is, Williams always tried to have a personal life for him and his family away from the spotlight. What these folks are basing their assertions on is his public face. None of us act the same at work as we do in private. If we did, we’d be fired in no time for refusing to wear pants to work.

On going back and watching more of his work, I came to realize that no, it was not evidence of mania. Sure; he’s animated, fast, and outgoing. Williams struggled with cocaine addiction for a long time. Assuming he was (mostly) clean later in life, I think it’s extremely possible that he used to get high before hitting the stage as a young man and just hit his stride in the frenetic activity of a coke high while delivering. That frenetic energy became his stage persona even after he (mostly) quit drugs. In other words, the actor acted.

In watching his stand up, I can tell you exactly why it’s not a manic tirade. It’s too coherent. He flows smoothly through his set, the times he “forgets” things are convenient for his performance, like the “what the hell was I going to say moment” he has during his joke about marijuana. That, of course, got major laughs from the people who have smoked pot from the audience because we’ve all been there.

I vaguely remember getting high once when I was younger, opening my eyes and looking down to find a burrito in my hand. I don’t know where I got a burrito. We didn’t have anything in the apartment to make burritos. I must have walked down to the corner stand and bought one but hell if I could remember it. I do remember it being the best burrito I ever ate; which is normal stuff when you’re baked. Everything is ambrosia.

Therein is the problem with that assertion. All we have seen of this side of Williams is his stage persona. And his stage persona, while animated and outgoing, is too coherent and measured to be a manic tirade. Disjointed thoughts are a huge problem for manic people. They just don’t connect in a logical way and your brain is in overdrive; so you can start at Point A and end up at Destination Zebra Cthulhu “Wheres The Beef?”.

Bipolar? I don’t believe so based on the information I have available.

My Speculation
I mentioned parallels that I could see me reaching later in life. Robin’s wife announced shortly after the suicide that he was in the early stages of Parkinson’s. Now, I have a reader and a good friend who has Parkinson’s. It’s been a huge transition for her because she had to adjust from caretaker/giver to actually needing help from people. I’ve listened to her talk about her own feelings about it and what she saw in others when she was going to a support group for people with it. Really, it just went to further reinforce beliefs I’ve already held.

I’m not anxious to die, but I have no fear of death either. I have seven suicide attempts under my belt and due to the past 20 years or so of thinking about, envisioning, and dealing with those thoughts; I’ve just become numb to it.

What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid that there will come a point I can no longer critically think. I’m afraid that I will wind up with a degenerative disease, be a burden on the people that love me more than I already have been, and will lose myself in the process. Robin’s suicide came as a shock, but the announcement that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson’s dispelled the shock and put everything into a crystal clear focus in my mind.

If I’m a 63 year old severely mentally ill man still struggling with drug addiction who is now faced with a massively degenerative disease; my choice would be suicide too.

But I don’t think this was a long, calculated plan from Robin. No, I think these thoughts had been bouncing around in his head for awhile and manifested at a moment of severe weakness. I base that speculation on the method of death- superficial wrist cuts with a pocket knife and hanging himself with a belt. It seems more likely to me that if he had made the choice in a stable state of mind, he probably would have had a bit better preparation; such as buying a length of rope. The public evidence suggests a heat of the moment decision to me.

I think the reason this hit me so hard was because I looked at Robin Williams and I saw myself. I don’t walk his road, but I walk a parallel road of my own with many similar sign posts.

The great tragedy in all of this is our attitude towards death in general. Would it not have been better for him to be able to talk to a counselor about his fears and prognosis with the option of assisted suicide after undergoing evaluation?

I get it. We don’t want to think about our loved ones dying or even wanting to die. Death is a source of confusion, pain, and fear for many. But it’s not like wasting away, confined to a bed for the next ten years is any kind of solution. If I wind up with dementia or Alzheimer’s; I don’t need my family dragging their asses to the home to visit me when I have no idea who the hell they are and the entire situation is just painful. Don’t keep me alive on life support while my brain is dead and I’m locked in a semi-permanent coma. Don’t leave me alone and vulnerable with people I don’t know in a place I’m not familiar with.

And sure as hell don’t tell me I don’t want to die after DECADES of dealing with thoughts of death when all that is ahead of me is degeneration of my body, plus the mental illness, plus whatever complications may arise.

Remember me as a relatively whole person, not a shell or shadow of what I used to be.

My wish for Robin is not that he should not have committed suicide if he was in a stable mind to make that decision. My wish is that he should have been able to face it with dignity so his loved ones did not have to find this tortured, kind, warm soul hanging from his own belt, wrists slit with his own pocket knife.

A bit of disclaimer: Understand that the previous is my opinion of how I would want to be treated. My father faithfully visits his mother with Alzheimer’s in a home. My mother worked to take care of her grandmother and her mother as they got older. And my Parkinson’s friend; I know it’s been an impossibly tough transition for you. I’d do what I could for the people I love and care about, but I doubt I could do it nearly as well because I require so much mental management of my own to stay out of the pit and continue to get this life of mine pointed in the right direction.

This is also not a suggestion that suicide is a solution. If you’re having suicidal or self-destructive thoughts, get help. 1-800-273-8255 (for America). Suicide is a very permanent solution to an oftentimes temporary, treatable problem.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
General

Here One Day – A Look At Bipolar Disorder And Its Repercussions

For those of you that have followed my blog and my website for awhile, you know I’m not in the habit of promoting things that I do not think have real substance to them. And even then, it is usually few and far between. Why? Well, you aren’t here to be marketed to. There’s plenty of that shit all over the internets.

But! This is one of those times where I feel the need to point out something I found of great interest that may be of great interest to you. I recently received an email about the independent film Here One Day by Kathy Leichter, from Kathy, with a request to check the film out and possibly point it out to my readers. Kathy’s mother Nina eventually succumbed to her battle with Manic-Depression and leapt to her death from their New York apartment on February 6th, 1995. The point that really stood out to me in her email was the fact that she had uncovered sixteen audio tapes that Nina had recorded while trying to manage and maintain her mental illness.

Why is this point important?

There are many recollections and memoirs of people dealing with a Bipolar loved one who committed suicide. Unfortunately, many of these memoirs are more generated from the perspective of the survivor. I’m not suggesting this is a bad thing, it can help people cope. However, it paints a slanted picture. Stigma prevents many families from even talking about these people later. “That’s just not something we talk about.” When they do, it’s not uncommon for people to say things like, “My mother committed suicide” or “I had an uncle that killed himself” if prompted.

The problem is that suicidal thinking is just one very small part of the total equation. It just so happens to have the most severe outcome. That person could have warred with their depression and suicidal thoughts for decades, managed to hold a career, managed to raise a family; but the foremost thought for many is “that person committed suicide”.

Here One Day piqued my interest because it had the opportunity to use the words and thoughts of Nina as a way to bring tangibility to the war that goes on in our heads. Yes, friends and loved ones go through a ton with us. They worry, suffer, and lose out on plenty because of our mental illness; but they always have a choice. They can go elsewhere to get away from our illness. They can go for a walk, stay with some friends, divorce us, forsake us.

We don’t have that option. That creates a very drastic difference in perspective, particularly in regards to suicide and self-harm. Every day that Sword of Damocles dangles over my head. Will I relapse? When will my meds stop working? Will I finally get too tired to keep fighting? Will I walk the same path as Nina and so many others have; a path I’m already intimately familiar with?

Excerpts from those tapes were used to great effect to compliment the primary focus of the film, which is the impact of Nina’s suicide on her family even decades later. Here One Day is an examination of what Nina’s family and best friend still cope with. The film is exceptional because it not only accomplishes that goal, but it puts a human face and voice to the chaos and misery that we Bipolars often internalize through the audio recordings. People familiar will be able to hear the mania and depression in Nina’s voice and demeanor.

This film is valuable to anyone interested in Bipolar Disorder; whether you are mentally ill or someone concerned for a mentally ill person.

For the mentally ill: It is a stark reminder of the internal war many of us wage. It is a reminder that there are others who fight similar battles, no matter how alone we think we are. Most importantly, the film demonstrates the long-term damage that suicide inflicts on the people that love and care about us. That hurt will never go away completely.

For the mentally well: Here One Day offers valuable perspective on this struggle. Many of my readers have friends or loved ones that have committed suicide or deal with the mentally ill on a regular basis. The film offers a glimpse into the mind of Nina who uses her audio tapes to journal her thoughts which may provide insight into their own loved ones.

Here One Day has been chosen as an “Official Selection” at several independent film festivals. If, like me, you have no idea what that actually means since you have zero interest in independent films; thousands of films are typically submitted to festivals. Only so many can actually be screened due to time constraints. An “Official Selection” means the film is picked to be screened out of the many submissions.

Kathy; you made a great film that pays due respect to both sides of the struggle. Given your mother’s belief in the importance of the work she did with her support group, I can imagine she would be very proud of you for taking these negatives and turning it into a positive for others. That is essentially what happens in peer support groups; we use our negatives to help other people going through similar circumstances.

Nina; I hope you’ve finally found peace and can take solace that your pain is being used positively. People like you are the inspiration behind my advocacy work; so that more daughters don’t need to make memoirs about their mother. You seemed like an amazing woman, mother, and more; and it is clear to see you are still loved and missed greatly.

Here One Day is available in digital or DVD format. The film runs 76 minutes and is well worth the $2.99 digital rental at minimum.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Other

The Suicide Of A Good Man

The struggle for stability is a war we all wage with ourselves. Unfortunately, there are casualties in war. Some are collateral damage, others are direct damage. Today I bring you a true story of a direct casualty. On June 10th, 2014, a man I’ll call “R” for the sake of privacy, committed suicide. I had been in regular contact with one of his loved ones, a woman I’ll call “H”, for awhile up to this point.

R was diagnosed in 2000 but refused to accept his diagnosis. He went on meds for a little while but didn’t like the way they made him feel. So he quit and decided that he wasn’t Bipolar. Part of it may have just been stubbornness; but I suspect a large part of it was an unwillingness to give up a career he loved for his mental well being.

R was an older man, and had spent decades dealing with what went on his mind. All the people around him knew something was drastically wrong; but no one could get him to see how different his moods and mentality were. It was just part of being who he was to him.

Unfortunately, he was an unmedicated Bipolar. And his refusal to acknowledge it, explore options, try to understand it at all cost him everything. In turn, it cost his child a father, H a love, and his siblings a brother.

I asked H if she would be willing to relate the story of her time with R, from the time they met on an online dating site until his suicide. The link you will find below is the story of R, as written primarily by H. I did contribute some very light editing and formatting to make it easier to read.

I asked her to do this so that perhaps H and R’s story could help others understand whether they are trying to get through to someone or thinking of giving up themselves. We hope that readers will be able to take some understanding away or even get a person that was in R’s situation to consider the ramifications of the war they are waging, whether they realize it or not.

It’s a bit long, but I think it’s worth the read. It’s a very good illustration of the natural progress of a severe manic cycle and the results of a severe depressive crash.

If you have someone you care about that’s refusing to help themselves; show it to them. Maybe they will be able to see themselves in R and his actions. Perhaps they will be able to see their potential future if they do not accept their problems and fight them.

Bipolar Disorder doesn’t care. It doesn’t care how smart, dumb, rich, poor, awesome, or shitty of a person you are. People that think they can handle it without any assistance are deluding themselves. They are potentially one severe trigger from a similar path. This shit is life and death whether we acknowledge it or not.

So please, share H’s story. Let’s try and inspire people in a similar situation to get the help they need.

And here you go… the story of R and H.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Uncategorized

Reacting To Suicide

I dislike suicide, not for the obvious reasons. I dislike it because the absolute end leaves behind so much stupidity. The person who ends up losing the war in their mind and commits suicide is rarely remembered with fondness or warmth. No, they’re remembered for the sole act of committing suicide. A singular act in their life that redefined everything else they may have accomplished to that date. I would point out that I’m not talking about things like assisted suicide for the terminally ill or someone who is just tired of life in general. I had indirect association with a man in his early 50’s who shot himself because he was simply tired of the way life had been for him. Having lived in poverty, I can understand that mentality and sympathize.

Instead, I’m talking about the people that struggle with depressive components of mental illness and end up killing themselves. Those types of problems do not just appear overnight. They ramp up over a long period of time. In the case of Don Cornelius, he had been expressed dark and depressive thoughts the last few years since his divorce which his friends are now realizing were indicators of a more serious problem. And therein is the problem; hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to go back and realize there was a problem after the fact. That doesn’t really help anyone though. People will inevitably miss indicators, the mentally ill will periodically take their own lives; it is impossible to “save” everyone.

So when someone does lose the fight, why is it that they are remembered for that singular act? That one act where the scales finally tipped far enough to the suicidal side of the spectrum to cause them to act. In my own family, we have a history of mental illness with some murders and suicides thrown in for good measure. Since my mother was adopted, she did not find her biological mother until she was about 50. I was the only person in my family with mental difficulties that I knew about until that family was found. It would be easier for me to milk a honey badger than it is to get people to talk about the suicides.

“We don’t talk about that.” “Um, that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.” “I don’t think we should talk about that.”

I get it. It’s easy to paint that person as selfish for making the choice they did. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how suicidal thinking works. It’s not so much as a choice as it is a culmination of bullshit stacking up with the perception that there is no way out. Most people that attempt suicide are not doing so because they want to die, they do so because they can no longer deal with their problems and they have no hope it will change. I have 1 active and 6 passive suicide attempts under my belt, if I thought for a second that the next 18 years would be anything like the past 18 years; I would slit my wrists and jump off the bridge. But no, I have hope things can be different.

I am sorry that a person close to you caused you so much pain. But you know what? YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. By not talking about these things it is far more difficult for other people going through it in a family to come forward or seek help. Why? They don’t want to be labelled as a “nutcase” or treated differently. But no, what really matters is the feelings of the living and how deceased’s action made them feel. Not the fact that the person laying in the box no longer has that choice.

Dear reader, I am very weary. I’m weary of people using emotions and feelings as a crutch. As much as I have tried, I simply do not have the energy to care about how these people feel about something that they clearly don’t understand. A week after, I can understand. 20, 30 years later? Really? When is it appropriate to talk about suicide?

If you had someone in your life close to you commit suicide, forgive them. It will do wonders for your own mentality. Remember them fondly. Hell, set a place for them at your next holiday dinner. They walked a long, hard, lonely road and lost their war. But here’s the thing. If you have kids or family members around who are walking the same path in their mind, they will be more open to talking about what’s in their mind.

A great number of mental illnesses have their roots in genetics. Which means if your family line up to that point has struggled with mental illness, it’s a pretty safe assumption it’s going to continue down the line. Changing that perception may prevent your grandkids or great grandkids from taking the same route the deceased did.

Silence benefits no one.

Now it’s too late to change the fate

To change the way, the time is out

Way too soon you had to go away

Why so soon you had to fly away

The guilt, The pain burning like a flame

The pain we feel too bad it’s so real

Feelings of shame ourselves we blame

Throughout the years speaking to deaf ears

– ‘Wasted Years’ – Norther

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!