Quite a few people reach out to me in the hopes of gaining some understanding of what their mentally ill loved one is going through. One of the most common strings of questions I receive goes something like this: “Where do I draw the line? How will I know when enough is enough? Where does compassion end and accountability start for destructive behavior?”
There is a simple answer. The line is drawn wherever you want to draw it. That’s as complicated as it needs to be. No one but you can decide what you are willing to deal with. No one but you can decide where your compassion needs to end. You are the only one that can make that decision for yourself, based on your personal circumstances. And if you’re confused and unsure? Get off the internet and talk to a certified mental health counselor about the situation.
There are no internet articles that are going to be able to replace that important knowledge and neutral, third party perspective.
And it would be lovely if the more vocal, compassionate people of the world would stop pushing the romanticized narrative that martyring oneself is a good and noble choice. It’s not. It’s short-sighted and destructive. The stains, wounds, and scars of staying in an abusive situation, regardless of the cause, do not just disappear after. They may linger and continue to be destructive even decades later.
Then you have the generic, blanket advice to clearly state one’s boundary and enforce it. Okay. And if the other person is a skilled manipulator who can gauge how to coast just below that boundary to be destructive, but without overstepping? What about people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships that have been conditioned by an abusive partner to bend their boundaries?
Blanket statements can cause a person to give up far too much information to someone who may be adept at wielding that information as a weapon to harm. Anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship knows that honesty is an impossibility in that kind of situation. That person knows that what they say or do can, will, and often be used against them.
Always be wary of who you discuss the issue of boundaries with and treat their words with skepticism. They are not you. It is so easy for someone sitting outside of the situation to tell you to keep going through hell because they believe it’s the compassionate or right thing to do, when they aren’t the one suffering. That’s not their decision to make for you.
And in my personal experience, having listened to the survivors of these situations for years now, women tend to get the worst end of that. For men, it’s typically, “She’s crazy. You should dump her.” For women, it’s typically, “You need to be more supportive and understanding. It’s your job to keep things together.” Which is total bullshit on so many levels.
Draw the line wherever you want. You are the only one that can decide what you are willing to suffer through. No one else is going to live your life 24/7. No one else is going to have to deal with the consequences of that choice. You are your own person. No one has the right to tell you how compassionate you should or shouldn’t be.
Anyone that would criticize you for choosing your own survival and well-being is not worth listening to.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
A depressive trigger was recently tripped in my brain and started off a depressive cycle. I felt my brain down shift about a week ago after a conversation with a good friend. I feel like this is a good opportunity to illustrate the shift, how I view it, what I do about it, and how I attempt to minimize the damage. In a majority of my writing, I aim to provide reasonable hope and the more positive point of view that medication and self-management has helped a lot (which it has). This post was written in a depressive state of mind so you can get a glimpse of that other me.
As for the inevitable flood of worry I know I’ll get from certain readers; I’ll be fine. My depression of today is nothing compared to my depression of 20 years ago. No suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm; just the void. On a scale of about 0-10 with 0 being suicidal; I’m at about a 3-4 whereas the last several months I’ve been more at a 5-6. I attribute this to meds and self-management techniques.
So let’s dive into this cesspool.
The Depressive Trigger
The trigger? The trigger was my fault. I thought more than I talked and created a misunderstanding with my on again, off again “it’s complicated” friend. I’ve long looked at relocating to a place where I could pursue my career goals. The area I’m in doesn’t have the population or resources available really. My “it’s complicated” friend and I were making plans to share a place. In my mind, I was thinking this was a significant repairing of our last schism that had been on the mend for awhile and an inevitable next step. It also happened to coincide with several of her goals and needs as well as my desire for relocation.
After floating an alternative idea; it was realized that she was focused more on the practical sides of the arrangement. It made the most logical sense to her in that way. I drew conclusions and connected dots that weren’t present while she was fairly clear in communicating her perspective. The revelation and realization that I had got this wrong was my depressive trigger.
“But Dennis,” I hear the normals asking, “aren’t you just sad?” Fucking no. Sad is sad. Depression is a numb, empty void. Depression is nothingness. My brain dropped and shifted gears like an automobile. I was in a good mood, relatively placid; and then it felt like someone shifted from 5th gear to 3rd gear. My brain slowed down, my mood dropped into nothingness; and here I sit writing this. It’s been a week. It’ll probably be many more.
Since I know my friend will be reading this; I know you felt like an asshole and terrible about it. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just the nature of dealing with a Bipolar person.
(Addition) After reading the initial drafts of this approach, my friend pointed out that I told her that I had informed her that I had hit a trigger in the conversation; which I didn’t remember. (Thanks for nothing, brain!) Anyway, I told her that I had hit a depressive trigger and that if I seemed to withdraw and become distant in the coming days, that’s why. She pointed out that this was helpful to her so she would know what was coming and not worry over the change in my mood, withdrawing, and increased introversion. Given that she has her own mental struggles as well; my telling her reduced her own anxiety and wondering about what was going on in my head. Hopefully, this is a solid demonstration of the benefit of open communication between partners/friends/family/whatever.
The Fallout
The long and complicated history I have with this woman was a significant catalyst. The connection I felt for her was immediate when we were youngin’s. I didn’t understand it, didn’t understand my mind, or the very different way my brain and emotions work as a High-Functioning Autistic. It also coincided with the emergence of Bipolar Disorder and puberty. It was not exactly a great time in my life. I engaged in some misguided behavior that could be construed as stalkery until she simply kicked me out of her life for good. That I could deal with.
As a High-Functioning Autistic, my brain tries to interpret everything in black and white. I could deal with being nothing or in mutual love. What I couldn’t deal with was an unrequited love that was so strong. I had no fucking idea how to handle that. I also didn’t know that what I was experiencing was abnormal. I never talked about my feelings because I never saw a need to and because my brain suffers in the conversion of emotions to vocalization- a common autistic trait.
That trigger took me back 20 years. It took me back to the pain, confusion, and misery. It was a stark reminder that even after all the time I’ve spent working to counter this bullshit; it can still sucker punch me out of nowhere. And over what? Dormant feelings from 20 years ago that I got over awhile ago. But unfortunately, my emotional processes are fucked.
My introversion is back in full force. Discarded my real life gaming group that I look forward to out of pure apathy. Just don’t give a fuck at the moment because I’m depressed, unsure, and aimless. Plans I saw as crystal clear shattered to pieces. Doubts I had rationalized and fought back all flooded back, particularly in regards to doing what I do with wanting to pursue a career in mental health.
It’ll probably be better for me to just get a run of the mill job and just continue to work through my website and personal writings. Maybe I’ll be able to finally finish the e-book I’ve been working on if I’m not trying to generate income by writing professionally. Is everyone else right? Should I be softer in my tone, language, and approach? What the fuck am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want to fucking accomplish? HOW do I accomplish it? Doubts, doubts everywhere. Doubts that were previously conquered and answered. Doubts that I had previously made decisions and plans on that now threatened to become unraveled because of depression.
Minimizing The Effects Of The Cycle
The moment I felt my brain downshift I knew what was happening. My brain shifting cycles feels a certain way; in the same way that slamming your fingers in a door does. You don’t slam your fingers in a door and say “FUCK, MY FOOT!” You know it’s your fingers because that’s what hurts and the event occurred to your hand.
So I didn’t question it, I just started enacting my damage control plans for a depressive cycle. There is a period of time where the brain is in transit to where its new baseline is going to be for the duration of the cycle. During this period of time, you have a little time to try and keep it from getting out of hand. To slow and interrupt the decent; I did the following…
1. Wrapped up the conversation as soon as possible so I wouldn’t have to think about it. Adamantly shoved it out of my mind. Every time my thoughts would drift back to it, I would force myself to think of something else. I handled the little bit of time she wanted to discuss things; but when I felt the time was good I would shift the conversation away.
2. I immersed myself in activities that would take up my thought processes and not allow me to think about it. For me, that’s complicated video games and studying finance, economics, and liability law for my work and other projects. All of them are complicated as shit, all of them require a strong focus to make sense. This was complicated by my thought processes slowing down as the result of the depression; but shit happens. I dealt with it and stuck with the plan.
3. I stepped back from my mental health projects for a day. Didn’t want to think about the Disorder, my problems, or the problems of anyone else for about a day to give my brain time to reach its new baseline.
4. General conversation with some of the more positive, energetic people I know to let their energy help lessen my crash. It is absolutely true that your moods will feed on and reflect from the people around you. If you surround yourself with negative or depressive people; that’s where your brain is going to go. That doesn’t mean to sit around and dump your depression around; but general conversation with people who aren’t in the same dark place can help.
5. Music. Music helps me a lot. So I’ve been listening to a lot of upbeat, heavy, or speed type music that normally boosts my mood. If you sit around listening to dreary, depressing music; it will feed your depression and make it worse. And I assure you, I listened to that dark stuff plenty when I was less understanding of what my brain does when it’s being a pile of fucking shit.
I feel like using damage control for about a day after the triggering circumstance is long enough to let my brain hit its new baseline. Your mileage may vary.
In the past, a circumstance like this would have crashed me to about 1-2 with suicidal and self-harming thoughts. Nowadays, it’s more like a 3-4 which is depressed but not too morbid. Mostly just feeling null and void for however long the bullshit lasts.
Why Didn’t You Talk To Me?!
I know I’m going to get an earful from a handful of people when this runs. I’m not writing this post for myself. I’m writing this for people to see that I do still deal with my own shit. I’m writing it so normals can hopefully get a better idea of what’s going on in their loved one’s heads. I’m writing is so my Bipolar and Depressed readers can see that there are means to lessen the impact of unwell cycles if they learn their illness and how it affects them intimately.
This? This cycle is nothing compared to the morbid dregs of depression I used to dwell in.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
This post was inspired by an off-handed comment made by a Bipolar woman I know. I hope this perspective can help you see yourself in a more positive light.
We Bipolars are no strangers to screwing up and destroying the things we care most about. Behind each of us is a trail of ashes, shattered dreams, and broken relationships. The way you look at those things is important. I’ve talked to many Bipolar and Depressive people who shoulder the blame entirely. They feel that since they couldn’t control themselves in a moment of “weakness”; that they are only to blame for the situation. They shoulder the responsibility and do not want to use their illness as an excuse.
There is a problem with that. Let’s say you break your arm. The cause of the broken arm is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you did it to yourself out of stupidity or if it was an accident by someone else. The bottom line, you have a broken arm and you’re not going to be doing any heavy lifting with it until it heals. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it, the circumstances, how pissed off, sad, or judgmental other people may get about it; your arm is presently not working correctly.
An unwell cycle is the same. An unwell cycle means your brain is not working the way it should be. You’re sick and your decisions will be tainted by that sickness. How is a Bipolar person supposed to make decisions with clarity when their mind is feeding them misinformation about the world around them, their feelings, and their lives? Is it fair to hold yourself to the same standards that you would a normal person even though you have a “broken arm” at the time?
We wind up getting assigned or assigning ourselves the shitty labels of society for our actions. Are they deserved? Let’s look at an example…
A devoted Bipolar husband is faithful to his wife for 8 years. He loses his job, money and stress become an issue, his mind takes off into a manic cycle. His Bipolar brain concludes that the arguing is because his wife hates him and is preparing to leave him. His emotions are distorted due to the Disorder and that devoted love flips to smoldering hate. He walks out the front door and shacks up with another woman.
Eventually, his brain crashes and corrects. His thoughts are now clear and he can see the situation for what it is. His wife didn’t hate him, their arguments stemmed from the lack of income, a common stress in relationships. The husband’s emotions are snapped back to what they were before he swung unwell because that is the real him. The devoted, faithful husband who walked out on and cheated on his wife is back to being the devoted, faithful husband.
A common statement is that the husband had a choice. That’s absolutely true. He did have a choice. But how hard was it to make that choice? You don’t believe things when you’re unwell, you KNOW things with the same kind of ferocity and fervor that you know you love your mother (assuming you do, fill in someone that doesn’t suck if yours blows). He didn’t think his wife was planning to leave, he KNEW. And that knowledge fueled his rage and hate which made it even harder for him to make the right decision.
So where does that leave the couple? The husband’s perception of himself? The wife’s perception of him? Any family members or friends that happened to be privy to what was going on?
Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife when in actuality, the husband probably needs it more. He just ripped up and destroyed a core tenet of who he was, hurt the woman he was devoted to in a way that can never truly be repaired, and now everyone that doesn’t understand the Disorder thinks he’s an asshole. But he’s not an asshole. His brain was broken and not working correctly at the time. The wife knows he’s not an asshole because she knows there’s a difference between the loving man that she married and the stranger he becomes. It may or may not make it any easier to swallow the situation; that is really dependent on the individual.
Is it a reason or an excuse? Are you using the Disorder as a reason or an excuse?
Ideally, he would confess to his actions and do what needed to be done to repair the relationship. Sick or not, the onus is on each of us to take responsibility for our unwell actions and try to make it up to the people we damage in our wellness. Some people can forgive and move past it, others cannot.
Is it fair for the husband to think of himself as a betrayer and adulterer? I don’t believe so, even though he had an affair. What happens if you remove Bipolar Disorder from the equation? What are you left with? You’re left with a loving, devoted husband who would have not had that affair if it weren’t for that unwell cycle. Had he been “normal”, it would have just been marital stress and a spat that had needed resolved.
Once you add back in the Disorder, the metaphorical “broken arm”, now his actions take on a different meaning than what you would hold a normal person to.
And I can hear it now, “What about the wife? What about her feelings on the situation?” It’s not my place to tell someone how to feel about a situation, so I do not. I wouldn’t tell her that she should just get over it or even forgive him, because that’s not my decision to make. I don’t know her emotional tolerances, what she’s willing to shoulder, what she’s willing to try to work through. She has to decide that for herself. She is entitled to feel whatever she feels and it should be dealt with in a way that makes sense for the couple; not to everyone that has an opinion based on their stereotyped perceptions of “correct”.
Many of us Bipolars and Depressives have poor opinions of ourselves because of our long lists of failures. I was no different for a long time. I saw very little positive about myself though plenty of people tried to show me otherwise. After I was diagnosed, I was able to objectively look at my history, actions, and path in life. I came to realize that I wasn’t all of those negative things I thought I was because I wasn’t like that when I was balanced. It was only when I was unbalanced did things really come off the rails.
I know that’s a narrative a lot of Bipolar people out there face as well. They haven’t learned to see who they really are versus who they are while unwell. The person may think they are unlovable, unworthy, irresponsible, hateful, unfaithful, or just plain old crazy. But what happens if you set aside the mental illness? Who are you when you’re balanced? Do you even know? Or have you been dealing with it for so long that you don’t really know who that person is?
You are not your illness. You are not the walls you had to build to minimize the damage of the Disorder. Somewhere behind the Disorder and the walls is a person smothered by the weight of the illness and the pain it created in your life. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little leeway when the Disorder fucks things up for you. No one will ever get it 100% right. Most people won’t get it or “understand” our personal circumstances even if they want to; that’s just something we have to come to terms with. It doesn’t mean everyone won’t though.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
I typically don’t pay much attention to pop culture or celebrity garbage, mostly because I don’t care about it; but my eye is usually caught when mental illness comes into play. I’m always interested in the way the public perceives the person’s behavior as they are exhibiting their instabilities. Charlie Sheen was a good example. I would have bet money he was screaming through a Bipolar manic cycle when he was coming unhinged and lost his contract for Two and a Half Men. Many folks argued it was cocaine, which is a valid point if not for the length of time it ran. You would have to do a ton of cocaine to maintain that kind of pace for that length of time.
Amanda Bynes was recently trending due to the actions of her mother, Lynn, who pursued a temporary conservatorship over Amanda and won. Now, her mother has taken her off all of the psych medications she had been on for the past 9 months or so because “she hasn’t had an episode since”. The mother now claims that Amanda does not have a serious mental illness, even though she was placed on an LPS Hold which requires doctors to show evidence of grave disability as the result of mental illness or chronic alcoholism.
The basis of this move- she’s not mentally ill, it was marijuana that did it to her. If you’ve ever smoked or associated with people who smoked pot- please use this time to get the laughter and disbelief out of your system. I’ll wait.
You good? Cool.
Not only is it a great example of ignorance of mental illness; it’s a great example of the 1980’s Public Service Announcement misinformation mentality about drugs.
Yes, certain drugs can have a negative affect on people with mental illness.
But I have to say that of the hundreds of times in my life that I’ve smoked pot, hung out with several people that smoked pot, and been a third party witness to pot-smoking shenanigans; nobody ever thought it was a good idea to set fire to a neighbor’s driveway with gasoline, strip off their pants because they were on fire, retrieve their now gasoline soaked Pomeranian, run to a liquor store to the backroom to wash it off in their sink, and have a melt down when confronted by the employees which resulted in an arrest.
That’s wayyyyy too much activity for someone who was supposedly under heavy influence of pot.
Some have posited that removing her from psych meds and claiming it was pot is a form of damage control. I don’t think her mother is stupid; just ignorant. I don’t think that her or her lawyers would be dumb enough to think you could “damage control” 4 years of drastic instability that even had Courtney Love of all people tweeting to her to “Get it together girl”. When Courtney Love acknowledges that you have a problem- you have a fucking problem.
And this long ass intro leads into the point of this post. What I’m seeing from her mother is something I see on a regular basis from the loved ones of folks with mental illness. It’s often just related from the mentally ill person rather than the third party.
It centers around that person’s inability to accept their own perceived “failures”. You take a mother who loves her daughter, has had pretty significant difficulties in her life over 30 years or so, but she loves her unconditionally and does everything she can to create a better life for her. Now, you reveal that the daughter has been hiding some pretty significant behaviors from her mother for a long time. Cutting, drinking too much to cope, drugs, reckless behavior, maybe even a suicide attempt or two. The daughter gets worse with age to the point where her quieter behavior suddenly starts getting much louder. Now she’s getting hauled in by the cops, setting fires, doing the insane shit that severely mentally ill people do.
What goes on in the mother’s mind? Some parents are able to adapt and help. Others can’t. They would “know” if their child was mentally ill. They did everything in their power to make sure that child was taken care of and had opportunities in their life; so they couldn’t possibly have a mental illness. Acknowledging that their child has a mental illness is a blow to them as a person because it’s easy to perceive it as them failing their child. How could someone you love miss something that important and major? Well; it’s pretty simple actually. It’s not like everyone is walking around with a PhD in psychology or anything.
And in Amanda’s case; she was successful. A multimillionaire and retired by 26, as she said. So in her mother’s mind; it couldn’t possibly be Amanda’s mental health that was exploding. No, it must have been the pot even though there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Mental illness doesn’t care about how wealthy you are. It’ll tear down a wealthy person just as easily as a poor person. But her mother is ignoring all of the evidence supporting mental illness and taking her off a medication cocktail that is commonly used for schizophrenia.
I’d give her less than six months to have another psychotic episode if she sticks to this course of action.
Pride has no place in this struggle. Whether you’re a supporter or mentally ill; pride is an enemy. We must all understand that we can fuck things up. Pride prevents apologies, it prevents acceptance, it prevents progress.
If I’m right about her mother’s mindset; her pride is undermining Amanda’s mental wellness. Is the daughter going to listen to her mother or her doctors? Many people would trust their mother more and wind up screwed for an even longer period of time. Who knows how long her mother’s decision is going to set back her mental wellness? It could be years. Or maybe Amanda will remember how much better she felt on the meds and get back on them soonish. Who knows?
If you are in a similar situation or were handed this article by someone; it’s not your fault or any kind of knock on you as a person if you missed a mental illness. Lots of people don’t understand or “get it”. It’s no flaw to have not understood what your loved one was going through.
What is a flaw is a refusal to acknowledge the evidence that supports it when it’s staring you in the face. That refusal can fuck your loved one over far into the future. The past is done. Help your loved one reach a better, saner future for themselves.
And regardless of the position you are in; educate yourself on the claims being made about the person in your life. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to who are diagnosed Bipolar that couldn’t tell me what Bipolar Disorder is. How the hell are you supposed to help yourself or anyone else if you don’t understand what the claims are? It doesn’t matter if you’re the loved one or the mentally ill one; educate yourself!
I get asked constantly “what books do you recommend?” and my answer is always the same- “All of them.” Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Mental illness is an intensely personal experience. If you’re Bipolar, you can read a book about another Bipolar person that has no relation to how you experience the Disorder. Now you’re questioning if that’s actually the case when the next book may have struck home for you. Read everything you can get your hands on. That way you’ll have a much better idea of how to help your loved one or help yourself.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
We, the nutcases, often struggle to come to terms with the person we are while unwell versus the person that is masked by the mental illness. As we struggle for understanding in ourselves it is very difficult to project the internal struggle to those around us. It’s hard to see that a lot of times we don’t even understand what drove our thought processes. All we can do is sweep up the ashes and hope we don’t lose too much in the process.
That brings me to the topic. A reason? Or an excuse? In my experience- quite a few normals I’ve dealt with see mental illness as an excuse. They have been treated like garbage by someone who was severely unwell or just didn’t give a shit- someone who used their Disorder as an excuse to do so. Since that is their personal experience, they tend to cling to that to ensure they don’t wind up as collateral damage in future interactions with the mentally ill.
In this situation- an excuse to me implies that the person does not want to accept that anything may be wrong or they know something is wrong but milk it for all it’s worth. These people will typically break it out as an excuse to try and seek asylum for any number of their shitty behaviors. “Oh well, I’m Bipolar so I didn’t have control over my actions.” or “Can you loan me money? I can’t hold a job.” And then proceed to do absolutely nothing to remedy the situation.
It is alright to have compassion for people, even manipulative assholes. However; compassion doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be victimized either. You can care about someone and still not put up with their bullshit. “You can stay here, but you either need to be trying to get on Disability or at least trying to work a part-time job.” “What’s the money you’re ‘borrowing’ from me going for? Specifically. If it’s medication, electrical bill, or something like that- fine. If you’re buying liquor or bullshit with it- then we’ll have a problem.”
What constitutes a reason? It’s actually very simple. Can the person take responsibility for their actions even if they don’t understand them? Responsibility means apologizing, trying to pay for the damages if you can, and doing what you need to. Take responsibility for your unwell actions as much as you can. Some people will be able to forgive you- others won’t. That’s just an unfortunate part of our existence.
And I would like to clarify a point. When I suggest an apology- I am not advocating apologizing for being mentally ill. NEVER apologize for being mentally ill. It’s not your fault. You have no control over the hand you were dealt- but you can choose how to play it. What I’m talking about is apologizing for hurting that person you care about. Nuts or not, no one wants to feel as though their feelings are given no consideration. Apologize for the pain, apologize for screwing things up for that person, apologize because you care about whatever you inflicted on that person.
I usually use something to the effect of- “I am sorry for XYZ action. I was unwell when I did it and I really thought I was doing the right/correct thing. If I can make it up to you; please let me know. Unfortunately, I’ll probably end up doing something just as insane in the future. That’s life as a Bipolar sometimes.”
A normal that says it’s only an excuse for shitty behavior has often been hurt badly by someone in their past, so arguing is rarely productive. I use something to the effect of- “I’m sorry for whatever you went through to have caused you to draw that conclusion. But I’m not like that. I take my meds, I fight for my wellness and to understand, and I take responsibility for my bullshit when it erupts. I know I’m Bipolar- and I don’t deny or fight that realization. I do everything I can to manage it. If ever there comes a time I treat you like that- tell me I’m being an insane asshole. There’s a good chance I just haven’t yet realized I’m unwell.”
The important thing is to stay calm. Some scenarios I’ve seen where this is the case is a person who was badly abused by an unmedicated Bipolar parent or someone with an unchecked Bipolar spouse who utterly destroyed their peace of mind and life. In either case, you won’t win an argument with them. You just have to give them the fuel for thought to show that we’re all individuals and can’t be lumped together. Frankly, it’s identical to racial stereotyping. It’s a physical difference that is assumed to bind us all into a stereotype. Black, brown, white, mentally ill- all are physical differences. Ours is just invisible.
So for those of you that are wondering whether it is an excuse or a reason- it all boils down to responsibility- if you take no responsibility for your wellness or trying to find it, walk all over others and think you’re exempt from their anger, or act like a shithead because “you’re mentally ill”. You’re just making excuses as a false victim. You have the power to change your life for the better; even if that means trying med combinations for years, dragging yourself to appointments you don’t want to go to, or taking the first step to acknowledge that you’re broken- just like me and several others in this world. You’re not alone, even if you think you are.
And if you cross paths with one of these people that make it harder on all of us- call them on their bullshit. The normals may not know how to handle a person like that but we do. It is typical to return to a point where we are finally able to feel sorrow and bad about what we did to the people we care about. If you reach that point- own up to it. If you reach that point and say fuck it- then you’re a selfish asshole for making things harder on the people that care about you and those of us who do.
That is something we should all be angry about.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
Today I had a meeting with a Vocational Rehab Counselor to help determine if I’m eligible for help for the career path I want to pursue- that of the Certified Peer Specialist. The Counselor that did my interview has been working in Social Services for 45 years and had never heard of this position before today. He scheduled me for a psych and vocational assessment which I will have in about a week. They will help determine if I am suitable to perform that type of work.
For those that don’t know- a Certified Peer Specialist is a recovered alcholic, addict, or person with mental illness who has recovered and helps other people on their recovery path. Instead of going to college, our higher education is the catastrophic shitstorm that is often our lives. You only end up doing about 60 hours of work training for certification.
The entire time he’s going through his spheel about how I might not be suitable and how it might not work out; I’m sitting there thinking- ‘I’ve essentially already been doing this shit since I put up my web page. I answer questions, give thought out responses, try to urge people to have goals in mind for their wellness, and just try to be there for the people I cross paths with. I’ve dealt with some really difficult people in person on several occasions. I know I’m suited to this kind of work.’
And then he made the simple statement of, “And if you’re not suitable, we can probably help you find something else.”
What he does not understand is that there is no “something else” for me. I’ve had at least 25 fucking jobs in my adult life. I know the difference between a shit job and a pursuit of passion.
I sincerely hope that each person reading this post finds at least one thing in their life that they are so utterly passionate about that everything simply makes sense. I will get training and I will find a paying job in this field even if it means I have to forgo assistance from the government.
I spent a fucking lifetime trying to figure out why I had this brain, why I was so smart but never able to get anything really accomplished. Why did I survive the things I did to try and unmake myself? What good was the emotional isolation and social dysfunction? Does any of it matter? Yes. Yes it fucking does when you’re trying to hammer through the walls we nutjobs build to keep normals out. It all matters as individual blocks in a sturdy foundation of understanding and knowledge for something served up to you on a silver platter later in life.
The Counselor asked if I had considered other paths. I said “no”, because to me there are no other paths. I know exactly what I want to do and have a reasonable idea of how to accomplish it. I don’t give a fuck if I have to sit in a McDonald’s or Flying J parking lot to piggyback their free wi-fi to do marketing work on my laptop to make ends meet while I work on it. I will find a way to accomplish this goal. There has never been anything so clear to me in my life.
But I’ll go through their hoops and see what comes of it. I’m sure the psych will say the same thing he said before and what the other professionals I’ve dealt with said. “He’s very intelligent and self-aware. He seems to lack some social skills and maintains a disheveled appearance. He possesses strong analytical skills and expresses himself eloquently.” And believe me, it’s not aggrandizing. I do my best to keep my head out of my ass. Still kind of flattering to have your lawyer tell you the judge was impressed with your intelligence after your hearing though.
I feel like it would be a sin to not use this body of knowledge that life has given me.
Anyway. Just thought I would share a bit with you guys about this personal journey. Not a ton happens in my day to day on the mental illness front personally. Nowadays more of my energy goes to others that need it. And I’m not going to go around blabbing about other peoples’ business without their express permission.
I’ll probably write about the eval and meeting with the psych when that goes down next week. Just have to see how things go.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
When I was younger, angry, and far more depressed; I used to scoff at the notion of the impact of the language I used internally. It seemed entirely stupid that negative talk in my head would have any kind of impact on my thinking in general. I have no idea why I thought this. I’ve been writing for fun and myself for about 20+ years. I know the power of words and language. Yet somehow, I came to the conclusion that this didn’t apply to me. I largely lump it into the huge pile of stupid shit I’ve thought and/or done for no reason other than “it made sense/seemed like a good idea at the time”.
Today is quite different. After spending most of my life confused and unsure of myself; I finally came to terms with who I am after my diagnosis. I will still talk negatively and make fun of myself as a means to break through the walls of others. I can’t verbally tell jokes or longer stories worth a shit; but most people will find it funny that I got my ass kicked by a 10 year old little girl once. And on two of my passive suicide attempts, I got so fucked up on pills that I passed out outside. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if not for the fact that I used to live directly across the street from a crack den- and I’m assuming it was some crackhead that stole the clothes I was wearing on both occasions.
Dark? Morbid? Strange? Yeah. Welcome to my life; and the lives of many other Bipolar people. But it’s alright. Today, it’s something for me to look back on and laugh at. I feel like not taking myself that seriously is perfect for opening doors into my warped life without coming off as being preachy or getting into a pissing contest over who had the most fucked up life.
There is some language I will never use in regards to myself or being Bipolar. Primarily the word “victim”. I’m not a victim of Bipolar Disorder and mental illness because I have a choice. I can choose to let the Disorder destroy me or I can choose to fight it, tooth and nail, every step of the way. I choose not to associate myself with this word because I feel it denigrates people that actually have been victimized. I am friends with people with far more serious mental illnesses than I who had them inflicted on them by people that should have loved and cared for them. These people were victimized and need an extraordinary amount of patience and kindness to be mostly functional.
But me? My shit is relatively minor in comparison. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist or that I haven’t had some of my own difficult times. I’m not going to allow myself to fall apart and wallow in self-pity for an extended period of time. I’m far too stubborn to ever let that happen again. Not knowing all the things that I know now.
Granted, this won’t be applicable to everyone, but you should evaluate your relationship with your mental illness or the person you have in your life who has one. How do you approach it? Is it a death sentence of everything you hold dear? Or is it a challenge to be overcome? Do you realize that many mentally ill people are able to overcome and manage their illness(es)? I’ve met many people that don’t think so.
The choice is yours to be a survivor or a victim of mental illness. Yeah, life is probably going to suck from time to time. Most likely you’ll still end up doing insane things that cost you a lot. But you can change how you look at the circumstances. Sweep up the pieces, accept that there are casualties in the war for sanity, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you reach your destination.
Self-talk has a much greater impact on your perception of yourself than you realize. You’ve been through a lot. Cut yourself some slack on your perceived “failures” and keep striving for success. You’ll get there eventually.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
I realize that I am very inconsistent with providing updates and useful information. I suppose I should have accounted for exactly how social I’m usually not before attempting to reach out to people and connect through social media means. But hey, hindsight and all of that. It isn’t that I don’t like people. It’s more that in addition to being Bipolar, my family has a history of High-Functioning Autism. Several of my social processes are just broken. I’ve learned how to adapt to them in the past few years; but it still requires a shitload of mental energy. (Also, my word processor didn’t detect shitload as being a typo- which amuses me greatly.)
But! Today I want to provide you an affirmation. I know a lot of us deal with a whole lot of bullshit on a daily basis from dealing with ignorant people to just trying to keep things together in our minds. Today may be a shit today, tomorrow may be too; but just keep moving forward. Keep trying things. If one medication or technique doesn’t work- try another. Keep trying. Keep pushing forward.
Things will never change unless you keep pushing yourself. You can conquer the chaos in your mind. You can own your mental illness instead of it owning you. Yes, it requires so much work and effort. No, it’s not fair. But neither is life. You can spend your time spiraling into depression, dwelling on it; or you can do something about it.
If I can do it- you can do it. Educate yourself on management, how medication really works, and pull out the stops to claim your mental wellness.
It’s glorious to wake up in the morning and have my first thoughts be of anything other than death or just sleeping through the day. I want that for each one of you as well. Be kind to yourself.
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
I would like to begin this blog post with a slew of profanity but I will spare you all my potty mouth. I visited my doctor a couple days ago and asked to be removed from fluoxetine because it had all of the effectiveness of sugar pills for me – even at a maximum dosage. I asked to switch families of antidepressants. Fluoxetine (prozac) is an SSRI style of antidepressant. What he put me on, effexor, is an SNRI. What’s the difference? An SSRI focuses solely on the neurotransmitters that produce serotonin. An SNRI affects both serotonin and norepinephrine transmitters. It has a much higher success rate against Major Depressive Disorder which is what the low end of the Bipolar spectrum is pretty close to for me.
Many moons ago I had talked to my doctor about depression and he put me on wellbutrin. It was great, for about 3 days. At the time, I had no idea what Bipolar Disorder was, or what happens when you put a Bipolar person on an antidepressant with no mood stabilizer. I rocketed into the stratosphere. Everything enraged me. I would go out to our garage and use the weight machine until I couldn’t move anymore just to try and burn some of the excess energy off. The problem was, I didn’t know what it felt like to not be depressed. I had an inkling that something was wrong but was unable to really put my finger on it. I ended up coming off wellbutrin before too much damage was done due to a loss of insurance. (uh – thanks, corporate America? I guess?)
At present, I’m horkin’ down lithium and am starting to get this effexor seeded in my system. You know, initially I wasn’t going to apply for payment assistance through Social Security but at about 150 bucks a month for this prescription I probably will just to ensure I can keep up with everything I need to while I see if this crap is going to work for me or not.
This whole feeling stoned thing is a distinct flavor of crap that I find irritating. Many medications have side effects that will go away as your body gets acclimated to their presence. I’m hoping this feeling will be the same way once the effexor is seated in my system and the ol’ body is used to it being there. It is pretty common for a person to decide they can’t deal with a particular side effect without giving it enough to see if it goes away or not. Don’t make that mistake! Give it about 3-4 weeks. If it doesn’t go away, talk to your doc. In the meantime, few weeks to find out how this will effect my mentality. Probably another day or two before I find out how well the lithium is keeping things in check.
My doctor also recommended a cognitive therapist that he felt might help with my goals of readjusting how I view the world. I completely ran out of energy to be bitter and pissed off all the time – as much as I’d like to be. A mark of maturity? Of understanding? Of growing up? I don’t know. I’m just exhausted from thinking that way for so many years. Depressives, I’m sure you can identify with me on that.
Anyway, figured I’d write about the medication change. Let you all into my process, line of thinking, and strategy in case it can help you with yours. Any questions or comments, by all means leave them below! Be well!
-Dennis
Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!
Everyone has been done wrong at some point or another in their life. Maybe, even, you have even done yourself wrong. Whether you have been abused, spoken ill about, made fun of, or harmed yourself in some way, we all need to find a way to forgive and move on. Individuals who have been hurt, betrayed, and abused have the right to be angry and resentful. These are normal reactions and emotions when feeling the crushed spirit that can come from being disrespected or abused. If not dealt with, such angry reactions can damage personal health on several levels.
It’s easy to become resentful towards someone or yourself when horrible things happen but we need to remember that forgiveness is divine and it can actually heal and transform you. Just how does this transformation occur? Deepak Chopra explains what happens when you harbor resentment and what happens when you release this and forgive.
He states that when you have a resentment, grievance , feeling hostility towards anyone or if you have any of the other toxic emotions like guilt, shame, depression or fear , these emotions release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones have effects on the cardiovascular and immune systems, and your mental health. Your immune system becomes compromised, even your platelets get jittery with the high levels of adrenaline and they start a harmful cascade leading to cardiovascular illnesses, panic attacks, depression, heart attacks, harmful relationships, and stroke.
Once you begin to forgive and let go the burden of judgment, everything settles down and your body starts to return to homeostasis, which is self regulation and self healing. This gives you a peace of mind where you can start to work on your own mental well-being
One law of physics is that for every action there is a reaction. So this means once you start to forgive and ask for forgiveness it is the best use of your own energy. It is also one of the best paths to start the exploration of self-healing.
Hostility is not healthy . . . it is the number one emotional risk factor for premature death from cardiovascular accident (stroke and heart attack). Hostility is an inflammatory emotion and causes physical inflammations as well. It is also linked to autoimmune and psychological disorders. It is more than remembered pain; it is also rumination over a past hurt.
Learning how to let go of toxic emotions such as hostility is the essence of learning how to forgive, because forgiveness is basically releasing your attachment or identification with the conditioned response.
If you are holding on to a grievance or resentment and feel hostility toward someone, here’s what you can do.
1. Close your eyes and recall the episodes that caused you to feel this way. Recall the experience in full sensory mode, noting the voices, gestures and setting. As you visualize it, feel the sensations accompanying the experience. You will usually feel a tightness or discomfort in the area of your stomach or your heart. At this point remind yourself that these are your emotions but they are not you. You are responsible for creating them and you have the power to heal them.
2. Once you have located the discomfort in your body, feel it for several minutes. Ask yourself, Who is most damaged by holding on to this toxic energy?
3. Having located and experienced the discomfort for several minutes, and having realized its damaging effect on you, give it a label. Define it. Is it hostility, anger, sadness, guilt, fear or a combination of all of the above?
These are the first 3 steps, taking responsibility, physically feeling it and then defining it.
4. The fourth step is to express what you are feeling in writing. It is suggested that you do this from three different perspectives. First, as you recall the experience, express in writing what you are feeling in the first person. Having done that, express it in the second person, pretending you are the other person in the conflict. . . . And finally, express it in the third person as a neutral observer. When you express the conflict or emotion accompanying the conflict from three different perspectives you will find the toxic energy accompanying the emotion will begin to dissipate.
5. The fifth step is to share this experience with a loved one.
6. The sixth step is to release the emotion through a ritual. You could burn the paper on which you have written these feelings and offer the ashes to the winds . . . or to God. Ritual action is a way of trapping energy & releasing it effectively and bringing things to closure.
7. Having released the emotion, celebrate and do something fun, Go out exercise, see a movie, go dancing, whatever makes you happy.
Ultimately forgiving another is forgiving oneself. In forgiving we release the false sense of identity with which we have attached to a story about an event. When we release an attachment to a toxic emotion, we are freeing our self from that false sense of self. As we free our self from the illusion, we are really forgiving our self in the deepest sense. What we think we are forgiving in another is an act of freedom for our own soul. Every situation that calls for forgiveness is a step in our own growth to higher consciousness.
The good news – your brain comes with equipment that segues into peace and recaptures gratitude, hope and joy. It’s rarely easy to pardon though, and has little to do with showing your side of a story in defense. Rather than recycle guilt, see yourself – along with others – as worthy of care without demands for change as a condition.
Forgiveness literally alters the brain’s wiring – away from distortions brought about by the past, and beyond fears that limit the future. It leads from misery of a broken promise, to wellness that builds new neuron pathways into physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it changes the pain of the past, and unlocks the door to the future.
While Jesus was teaching in Capernaum, he was approached by one of his leading disciples with a question on forgiveness. Peter asked Jesus how often he was to forgive a “brother” who had sinned against him, and offered up the number “seven” as a possible answer.
Jesus waved off Peter’s guess, responding: “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22, NKJV)
Once you forgive the person that wronged you and forgive yourself you will notice:
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRead More
Terms and Privacy Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
