Tag: mood disorders

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Depression Self-Help

On Bipolar-Depression And Life Decisions…

Different people experience Bipolar Disorder in different ways. In my case, I’m a Type 2 Bipolar who spends a majority of his time in relatively functional depression. That has been my baseline since I was a teenager with regular dips into non-functionality.

So a few days ago, November 17th, I turned 35. About a month before that I found a document that was a 2013 report on the career I wanted to pursue for my state. I knew that the role I wanted to pursue was new and uncommon; but I did not think it was “only 150 people doing it in the entire state” new and uncommon. That kind of low existence isn’t really a career choice; it’s more like a craps shoot.

In years past, this would have been a trigger into morbid or suicidal depression. Today, I know how to handle that thanks to what I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There’s a window between the time the Bipolar person triggers and the destination they will wind up at. I know that I need to minimize the impact of my thoughts in that trigger window. I do that by forcing myself to not think or dwell about the circumstance unless I absolutely have to. In this case, realizing that it would be completely retarded for me to sink the time and effort into developing a career that only 150 people perform was the trigger.

Every time it would pop into my mind, I would force my mind somewhere else. I would distract myself with music I could really get into, talking or immersing myself in the struggles of other people, or video games. It took a few days, but eventually my mind felt like it reached the plane it was supposed to be at. The chaotic fluctuations were more muted and the waters seemed to have calmed. After that point, I was able to think about it with a clearer mind.

It still kicked me towards the depressive side; but no suicidal or self-destructive thoughts. I didn’t fall as far as I would have had I just jumped on those emotions of experiencing a set-back. This is an invaluable skill to develop if you’re Bipolar or Depressive. Do not just jump on your emotions when you hit an emotional experience. Does it always work out so neat and clean? No. It doesn’t. I fuck it up from time to time or it’s something I can’t put off; that I absolutely have to take care of. But when I am successful it makes things so much easier.

That initial slam of the trigger is the hardest part to work with. I’ve still had to deal with the periodic waves from needing to think about it and dealing with this monkey-wrench in my plans. I shout it down in my mind with the mantra I embraced when I was diagnosed; “swim or die”. Is it the end of my world? No. It’s not. Things rarely go as you plan them in life. I just have to keep swimming and find another way to accomplish my long-term goals.

My birthday was bittersweet and is often time for reflection. A year ago November 17th, my grandmother passed away. I grew up living across the street from her for most of my early life and when I was living with my folks as an adult. I love her dearly but I just don’t feel the loss like I know my family did. I attribute that to the logic from my autism overriding my emotions. She was obviously an older woman, 89 if I remember correctly, who had been experiencing kidney problems. It wasn’t surprising to me that a chain of events stemming from that could end with her passing.

I think that this understanding is why her death didn’t trigger me. I understood far ahead of time that old people + kidney problems = bad. I didn’t spend time wondering why or grieving the fact that she was gone because my brain knew that old people + kidney problems = bad.

I do think that it might have had a much more negative impact on me had it happened out of the blue; like a heart attack or aneurysm. That probably would have kicked me into a shitty depressive cycle because I had no time to get acclimated.

But, the discovery that my career of choice was actually 150 instead of maybe a couple thousand? That came out of nowhere and tried to slam me pretty hard.

People who deal with depression will be able to relate to this sentiment. For most of my life I couldn’t picture having a future because my present was mired in depression. When you’re severely depressed, everything just sort of blends together and becomes irrelevant. Why should I take care of myself? I don’t matter. Why should I plan for a future? I probably won’t be there anyways.

I spent about 20 years; from about 13 to 33, wrestling with these thoughts. My dad constantly jokes that he never thought he would make it to old age because of the life he led. I would often make the same type of joke, “I won’t make it to old age”; but I left off the rest of my thought. That thought being “I won’t make it to old age because I’m pretty sure I’ll end up killing myself long before then”.

But now, now I have a different reality. I found purpose and a deep sense of self-fulfillment in helping other people. That was not a thought that ever crossed my mind when I thought I was just a broken piece of shit. Sure, I would try to be there for a friend or something if they needed it. As for strangers? My depressive thoughts for the longest time were “you don’t give two shits if I’m alive or dead so fuck you too”; even if completely unfounded.

So I’m 35, turned an important corner a couple years ago in coming to terms with myself and what I have to offer the world. I’m 35, trying to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life to be self-sufficient, to help people, to not lose my own war with Bipolar Disorder. And I am now back to square one on how to accomplish that.

I wish I could install a window in the side of my head for y’all to peek through at the debate that rages.

Depressed side: “You knew it wouldn’t work out. You fuck up everything you set out to. Idiot.”
Rational side: “Fuck that guy. Shit isn’t going as you planned, it never does. Find a new path.”
Depressed side: “Yeah find a new path that will just blow up in your face and fuck you over.”
Rational side: “Shut the fuck up. Victory goes to the tenacious; the people that overcome set-backs. So don’t listen to that bitch and figure something out.”

That’s pretty much how I debate things in my head with myself.

Inspirational as fuck, eh?

So I’ve spent the past few weeks, silently battling in my head and trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I have really boiled it down to two options.

A. Work a typical job and continue to do what I do through my website as my means of helping people. There are problems with this approach. That is going to require a heavy investment in time and energy in the week. Being Bipolar, I do need to attempt to keep my stress levels somewhat in check and have time to decompress so it doesn’t shove me into a hypomanic cycle. And if you’ve been lucky enough to not have to work too many low-tier jobs in your life; they don’t tend to honor or respect your time very often unless you have an actual decent superior. You’re a low wage monkey and can be replaced by any other low wage monkey. So that isn’t likely to work out in the long-term. Yes, there are good people that would work with me out there. There are also assholes that would smile to my face and start looking for any reason they could to get rid of me so my problems didn’t impact their ability to conduct business.

B. Go back to college. I could complete an Associates in Human Services Tech at the local college (or university for you folks not in America). The government should pay for it (or a majority of it) as part of vocational rehab to get me off of disability and back into the work force. Furthermore, if things went well, I could continue that education to four years; and then maybe even look at Graduate school to become a Therapist or Psych. I like the fact that I can increment it. Maybe I make it through two years but it’s hard as shit because my brain sucks and my short-term memory has the retention of a screen. I could take that two years and get a job as an aide or assistant.

Quite honestly, I would be looking further than that. I have a very unique, perfect storm of things going on with me that puts me in a position to contribute greatly. Bipolar but not too Bipolar; Autistic but not too Autistic; skilled written communicator who can articulate well; battered, bruised, damage- but not broken.

What I lack is credibility to medical professionals. A degree would be huge for that because I could say “Hey, I’ve been through all this shit; but I’ve had training like yours too. So perhaps you should at least hear me out instead of just looking at me like I’m fucking stupid?”

And then there is the matter of money. There is little to be money to be made in mental health. I’ve talked about my need to actually earn a couple times, and received a couple of messages about how “money isn’t everything” and “I shouldn’t be worried so much about that”.

Yeah, that’s all well and good; but I want to be self-sufficient and I like stuff. But even more than that; I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure out types of businesses that could push towards self-sustainability, provide opportunities for disabled people, the poor, and convicts trying to change their lives. That’s going to require money and I know that between my credit rating (LOLOLOLOL) and general history as a mental patient (also LOLOLOLOL); a traditional lender is going to look at me and shit themselves in laughter.

So if I want to even attempt something like that in the future; I’m going to need to have my shit straight. I’ll be in a decent position if I can make it through college with minimal debt. I’ll live below my means after that point so I can stockpile resources. If I decide to pursue a venture like that, I will probably have to appeal to independent investors for funding. And I would prefer to have at least half of the capital be my own money to demonstrate I believe in it and planned thoroughly enough to put my ass very much on the line.

College seems to be the right path but man; in addition to all the normal doubts…there’s the doubts that go along with being Bipolar. For example, I know cramming is fucking useless for me because my brain won’t retain information that way. I need to cram about a week ahead of time before the info pops out of the wasteland that is my short-term memory. And that many years? Oh I will definitely have unwell cycles and probably run into chaotic situations as a result. Sure, I have rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act; but will I be of mind to advocate for myself? To ensure that I am given the rights I am entitled to by law for being a nutcase trying to better my situation? Will I even be able to do anything about it if there is conflict?

I tried to go to college when I was younger and I succeeded at doing was racking up a $3000 internet bill from long-term, unwell decisions and blowing about $6000 in savings bonds that were gifted to me throughout my childhood.

But! There is good news in all of this.

I just turned 35 and I don’t look forward with hopelessness. Even when I am depressed, I still see a future for myself. Yeah, there are still times when I put on the headphones and zone out into a video game for several hours because I can’t think. But those times are much fewer and far between than they used to be. I had to reevaluate and change the way I looked at myself and my future. It’s something I’m still working on in a lot of ways.

The point to all of this? I no longer feel like I’m just killing time until I die. That came from a shift in a way I not only viewed myself but in the progress I’ve made fighting the Disorder with the help of doctors, medication, and therapy. That’s a change that so many others could have too if they jump into the fight, scrapping tooth and nail to win their own war.

I’ve gone from 20 years of feeling like shit about myself to knowing I will have a future. I’ve been able to close my hateful eyes and see someone with a unique combination of difficult experiences and gifts that can be used as a catalyst for others.

So if you look in the mirror and can only see yourself through depressive eyes; that doesn’t have to be your future. If I can do it, you can do it too.

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Coping General

Do You Think Bipolar Relationships Can Work?

I cannot tell you how many times a week I get asked the title question- “do you think Bipolar relationships can work?” I can also tell you the numerous amount of criticisms and negativity that the people asking have read on other forums. “Bipolar? RUN!” “Never. Cut your losses and go.” “It’s hopeless.” Blah blah blah. You get the point.

That does not mean that the negative advice is necessarily wrong. There are absolutely times when a person should distance themselves from a toxic, mentally ill person. The problem is that I almost never hear context from the person asking or see context on some of the forums where I periodically lurk. What did that person do to warrant being discarded? I have no arguments if it’s justified. The reader doesn’t know and their situation doesn’t necessarily reflect the advice giver’s.

To answer the question- yes, they can work. Relationships between a normal and a Bipolar person or two Bipolar people can work. However (you were waiting for the but, weren’t you?); they have to be approached differently than you would approach a traditional relationship. There are things you would do in a normal relationship that are best avoided in a Bipolar one. And a Bipolar couple? Christ, sign me up! At least I would have a better grasp on her emotional processes because hey- I have similar ones.

I think the best approach is some ground rules so everyone is clear where the lines are.

1. Take the meds. If you’re going to stop, consult with your doctor first to do it safely.
2. Separate financial accounts. No cosigning. We don’t want to be cleaned out if you swing unwell.
3. Boundaries. Anything abusive will be reported to the authorities.
4. Partnership. As the person that spends more time around you than anyone; your partner can help you spot unwell periods if you actually listen to what they’re telling you.

As for the normals?

1. Don’t use unwell actions and thoughts against us in a petty way; such as throwing it in our face in an argument.
2. Please learn to forgive what you can. We will never get our management 100% right.
3. Don’t be subtle about our unwell periods if we’re missing it. The unwell brain will take it, twist it, chew it up, spit it out. Be direct.
4. Don’t assume we’re unwell because we’re sad or pissed off. If you see other symptoms; then worry. We can experience normal emotions too.

These are just a few basic points that I think can make relationships a whole lot smoother. You don’t want to get bogged down in legislation for a relationship; but you definitely want to have guidelines so everyone is clear on how things go.

But there is an unfortunate side to the equation. I also get asked, “How can I make my loved one understand?” Usually it comes from someone who is trying to get support or help from their partner but their partner has completely closed off to them. That’s usually not a good sign. It usually doesn’t take too many probing questions to see that their partner probably doesn’t give a shit. They would probably see that too if they weren’t the partner in question and having a difficult time. Ultimately, it takes two to make a relationship work. If the other person refuses to work on it or try to understand; then where does that really leave the relationship?

It kind of sucks that I find myself in the position to point out that the other person probably doesn’t give a shit; but I’m not here to tell people what they want to hear or instill false hope. The reality is that many of us are alone in our struggle for sanity even though we’re in a “relationship”. That is an incredibly unfortunate truth I have seen play out over and over again. Some partners have just been through too much to keep trying to push forward, they’re too damaged themselves, or they never cared in the first place.

Communication is an essential part of all relationships. I feel that it is even more important in a Bipolar relationship. The Bipolar party has to be able to hear what their partner is trying to get through to them. They have to accept that their perception and brain is periodically in the crapper. A Bipolar relationship cannot work with one partner telling the other “it’s your problem”. That’s fantastically stupid on so many levels. How is that person supposed to make sound decisions while their perceptions are skewed by an unwell cycle?

But even in normal relationships we don’t hear one another or even address what’s actually bothering us. We cover up the anger and frustration with a partner with bullshit distractions and pointless arguments. That approach simply won’t work if you want to make a Bipolar relationship successful.

You have to learn to shelf petty problems and deal with the real issues of the relationship before they explode in your face. If you can’t get past that, the relationship will be just another point on the leaderboard of losses we Bipolars have.

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General Other

Approaching Mood Disorders As Partners In A Relationship

Decision making is not one of the strong suits of an unwell, mentally ill person. The unwell brain can potentially convince us that anything is not only a great idea; but the best idea of our lives. This is apparent by sifting through the ashes of the remains of our collective pasts. I would venture to say that one would be hard pressed to find a person with a mood disorder without some fond memories of a circumstance before they torched it. Friendships, relationships, employment opportunities, alcohol and drug abuse, broken homes; and the shitloads of other things I’m not listing.

Understanding that we do have this problem with a skewed perception of the world can go a long way towards managing it. I am Bipolar with severe Depression. I KNOW, 100% KNOW, that I am periodically going to make awful or stupid decisions because my brain is a dysfunctional piece of shit. I know that I have to be constantly on guard to ensure that I do not make unwell decisions. I also know that no one is perfect and no matter how vigilant I am, I will make mistakes. Everyone will.

We can minimize these mistakes through communication and leaning on people we can trust. If I get a “great” idea about something- I run it past one of the people I trust to see if it is actually a good idea or if I’m just insane at the moment. Even if they agree, I typically sit on it for a little while just in case.

Those of you who are married, in long-term relationships, or even have adult children; those people can help you separate fact from fiction if you have a decent relationship. It takes a little understanding on both sides though. The well member of the relationship needs to be able to handle getting a more direct line into the unwell’s mind.

Let’s say that Steve’s wife Maria is Bipolar. One day, she pipes up with “I don’t love you anymore, I met someone else, and I’m leaving.” Steve can’t afford to let his own emotions overwhelm him. Is there a basis for these feelings? Were they happy up until recently? Has Maria been exhibiting any of her symptoms of being manic?

If she has, then Steve can point that out to her. “You haven’t been sleeping, your thoughts and words have been all over the place; you seem like you’re manic right now. We were content and working things out just fine until just a couple weeks ago. Why don’t you wait before doing anything? Get in to see your doctor and see if you need your meds adjusted. If you still feel the same a couple months down the road then we’ll readdress it.”

This example is a simple break down of a complex situation. There will undoubtedly be a lot of emotions, turmoil, and probably conflict. There is a chance that Maria will insist she is perfectly fine and completely clear at the moment. On the other hand, if the two of you have communicated ahead of time about working through these periods together; then hopefully she will be able to see the logic in Steve’s words and he will know not to react too negatively when they occur.

Because they WILL occur.

If you are in a relationship and either party is Bipolar; it affects you both very deeply. Hoping that everything will be alright or failing to acknowledge that unwell periods will occur in the future is just pointless wishful thinking. Want to make things work? Then you have to communicate and strategize BEFORE it becomes an issue. Have the plan laid out ahead of time so you can fall back to it.

The flurry of emotions and erratic thoughts makes it very hard to make good decisions while you’re unwell. The idea is to have these decisions made before it becomes relevant. That way the well party can point at it and say “Look, we talked about this while you were balanced and this is what we agreed to. We need to stick to that if we want to make things work.”

One pitfall the well party will want to avoid is overusing it. Save it for the really serious stuff otherwise the mentally ill partner will start to resent it. You don’t want to conclude that every bit of conflict or anger is due to an unwell cycle. We get pissed off and irritated about stuff too without flying into La-La Land. Save it for the stuff that has the potential to severely damage the relationship.

There are times when no amount of logic, pre-planning, or effort will work. The unwell mind is just too far out there to be brought back without something serious happening. At times like this, you may not have any recourse. Sometimes all you can do is let things play out how they will if the person isn’t a direct threat to themselves or someone else.

It is our instinct to want to help the people we care about. We, as humans, want to try and get things fixed immediately if they are broken. This is normal. The problem is that mental illness is abnormal. Relationship problems with a mentally ill person cannot always be remedied in a typical way.

But there is good news in all of this. Relationships with a person with a mood disorder (including Bipolar Disorder) are doable. By educating oneself, the well person can learn to identify the symptoms of when their loved one is getting unstable. These symptoms present the same way that a stuffy nose and a cough may indicate a cold. A Bipolar person that hasn’t been sleeping and is rambling nonstop about nothing is probably getting manic. The well person can then point it out to the Bipolar, potentially catching an unwell period before it gets going full steam.

Children are another major factor. I have met so many people that want to shield their kids from a parent’s mental illness. I understand the reasoning. It’s a difficult subject. I think it is a bit absurd to think that children don’t know that something is up. They know when mom or dad “gets in a mood” they shouldn’t bother them. They may not be able to put a name to it but they know something is up. Anyone that spends an excessive amount of time around an unwell person is going to figure it out eventually.

My personal opinion is that more children should be included. Mature kids or adult children can even be a valuable ally in pointing out when things are a bit awry with Mom or Dad. I feel there is a great benefit in helping to reduce stigma and increase awareness as well. If we treat it as just another part of life that some people have to deal with, perhaps they will be more comfortable about coming forward with their own problems should they develop.

I know that for years I thought what was going on in my head was normal stuff that everyone else dealt with too. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had very little exposure to mental illness besides through media sources. Mental illness is much quieter than we are often exposed to through the media.

I believe that by confronting it together, things will be much better for everyone involved.

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Coping General

Navigating Bipolar Disorder Thought Processes

I’ve recently seen an uptick in questions about deciphering the decision making process of Bipolar people. Today, I thought I would elaborate on some of my perceptions on how the decision making process works from my own mind and what I’ve seen dealing with a lot of people.

There is a kernel of truth at the root of most, if not all, Bipolar responses. Much like a legend, there is a fragment of truth that has a lot of fantasy built around it. That fantasy is pieced together in a logical (for a Bipolar person) way that may or may not reflect the reality of the situation. Let me use a few examples from my own life.

1. I once had a three week suicidal flat-spin because of a TV commercial. The commercial was about a father and son spending time together. The kernel of truth at the root of that unwell cycle was my guilt at not being there for my own son for about the first decade of his life. So my brain decided- you can’t have that, you can’t fix that, you fucked it up all, killing yourself is the only solution.

2. Being a High-Functioning Autistic; several of my emotional and social processes function very differently. Combine that with Bipolar Disorder and you wind up with some weird combinations. As I was growing up, no one else in my immediate family was mentally ill so I always had this perception of being the odd man out. When I was 15, I was screaming through insanity but internalizing it all because I thought it was “just a phase” or something I’d “get over”.

At that time, I experienced my first real love. However, I was also a HFA; so my emotional processes just worked differently. I didn’t know how to approach or talk to this girl, I didn’t know how to build a friendship with the idea of working towards a relationship, I understood none of these things because I was 15 and do not have many of the same processes that non-autistics do. Her subsequent rejection in combination with the mental isolation and the emergence of the Disorder threw me into a suicidal depression that ended in my only active suicide attempt when I put my father’s 9mm to my head and pulled the trigger.

At the very core of the issue was my misunderstanding of people, how they interacted, how they functioned, and how to function in their world. My brain concluded that since I didn’t fit with my family, my friends, and this person I felt so purely for rejected me- then I didn’t belong here. To me, that is the very root of that explosion. Logical- but entirely irrational and warped by insanity.

When I get emails or people asking questions- I’m always looking for the absolute root of what caused the problem. Without understanding that how can anyone really expect to make meaningful gains? I defused the two examples I cited through educating myself and correcting them. My guilt is less in regards to my son because we interact and visit at least somewhat regularly now. As for relationships; well I’ve still bombed plenty of those but I studied how you HU-MANS conduct them, interact, and worked to remedy or adapt my own deficiencies in those areas.

Having identified those roots I am also able to tell when the Disorder is screwing with my perception of them. I know what the truth and reality is so if my thought processes depart too far from there then I know something is up.

As a supporter, it is so easy to take things personally and feel like you did something wrong when your friend or loved one inevitably implodes. They will. That’s life being Bipolar. The most important thing to keep in mind is rationality. Are the actions of your loved one rational? Do they make sense given the context of the situation? You have the benefit of having a clear mind so you must exercise it to ensure that you aren’t over-exerting yourself in the process. You have your own life, mind, and responsibilities to take care of. Your loved one may want all the best for you but not be able to provide it because yunno- insanity and all.

The key to getting through these periods is open communication and the truth. The truth doesn’t care about how you feel about it. It simply is. Diverting a person’s mind and keeping it focused on the truth and other avenues in a situation is the way to go. “Okay, you lost a job. Tomorrow, you can start looking for a new one. It’s not a reason to drink yourself into a coma or go “confront” your former boss. Let it go, find a new job.”

And in my experience, you usually have to just keep chipping away and refocusing the person’s thoughts towards what the reality is. If you find yourself stumbling through it; just get them through the moment. Tomorrow is another day. “If it’s such a great idea now, it still will be tomorrow or a week from now.” Many destructive decisions made while unwell are the result of a single impulse. You may not be able to knock them out of the unwell period but you can help them avoid making insane decisions in the moment that will fuck their life up.

What if they clam up and go completely silent on you? Well, you’re at a major disadvantage. If you confront, you’re probably not going to win an argument with the person because their brain will just be warping your motivation and words. So long as the person isn’t being threatening to himself or others; it is best to back off and let the person work through their cycle. If you’re the source of it, then your trying to contact or talk to that person is just fueling the fire. Sometimes you have to be able to take a step back and just wait.

Encourage the person to seek professional help or talk to their doctor as soon as possible. As always, anything extreme like suicidal or violent threats should be dealt with by emergency personnel.

I’m going to make this blanket statement to everyone that does their best to love or care about a mentally ill person; and the people that have been burned by we, the nutcases. You’re good people for actually giving a shit. Regardless of whether you think you fucked up or caused an unwell cycle or whatever; you actually care. A lot of people couldn’t give less of a shit if we were alive, dead, or locked away in some asylum of yesteryear chained to a sink.

So don’t be too down on yourself or feel guilty if things don’t go perfectly. You’re not perfect and neither are we. All we can do is the best that we can.

And to those that had to walk away- it’s alright and I can’t say I blame you. Doing what I do here, there are people I’ve had to distance myself from because they were toxic and perfectly content to wallow in their own misery. It’s unfortunate, but it happens.

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