Wow. I did not realize it’s been a month and a half since I last posted! I think a bit of an update is an order. Let me start by saying, thank you to all of the people who reach out to me when I poof for a bit. I do appreciate your concern for my well-being. I’m quite an introvert, so when things are kind of bumpy, I tend to retreat into myself to deal with things. Let’s me give you an update…
1. My brain is in a pretty level place again. I dealt with the difficulties that came up, using many of the suggestions and points I’ve put out there. Tides rise, tides fall. Just the nature of Bipolar Disorder, really.
2. I had been working on an ebook over the past several months. About a month ago, while trying to communicate a point, I had an epiphany. The realization struck me that I did not understand what I was talking about well enough to create a piece of work that would stand up to scrutiny. I don’t talk about my creative process a great deal, but I spend a lot of time polishing to ensure that my writing won’t be harmful. And I don’t feel like what I was working on abides by that rule. I have decided to shelf that work for the time being and shift my focus to something else.
3. I previously announced that I was working on a podcast. This has turned out to be more challenging than initially anticipated. I am still working towards this, but I’m not sure when it’s going to come, exactly. Yay for teaching myself new things…and all of the things that inevitably go wrong in that process. The podcast is shifting to be a main focus for me. I think it will offer a lot of value.
Anyway, I hope things are going well for you all! Thank you for being here, for reading my work, and the support you show me. I do appreciate it.
-Dennis
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The initial steps of starting on the path to recovery often come at a confusing time. One’s personal life may be in a state of upheaval or transition, causing stress and confusion, making it difficult to see the path forward. One of the most common questions I am asked is: should I talk to a professional about the problems I’m having?
The short answer is yes, you should. If for any reason you are contemplating talking to your doctor or mental health professional about problems you are having, then the answer is yes, you should talk to them. At minimum, they may be able to provide some perspective or suggestions on how to handle whatever it is that you are facing. And if it does turn out to be a more serious issue, well, you’re in the right place to start looking at the problem and addressing it.
I find that people tend to add their own fears onto the end of that statement. I say, “talk to a mental health professional.” That doesn’t mean, “talk to a mental health professional and take medication.” That association is incorrect. You’re going to have a conversation. That conversation can lead to medication if the professional decides that it is warranted and the patient agrees.
Your agreement is an important point. If you don’t agree with that suggestion, just say, “I’m not ready for medication yet” or “I don’t want to be medicated.” It’s far less scary than the mind can make it out to be, particularly if the fear is amplified by an uncontrolled mental illness or stress.
A willingness to comply is necessary for real progress and recovery because it’s not like anyone is going to babysit to ensure you are taking your meds or using therapy techniques. It’s something you have to want to do yourself. That’s why you can’t really force a path of wellness or recovery on anyone. The best you can hope for is to sort of guide them in a direction that will hopefully lead to realization.
Of course, that is in the context of a non-crisis situation. Crisis situations are different and not really relevant in the context of willingly seeking help on your own.
Fear is often fueled by the unknown. One of the ways you can push back against the fear is to familiarize yourself with the policies of the facility where you would be talking to the professional. Every place I’ve been to has provided paperwork that outlined patient rights, expectations, and some relevant systems. Simply go in and ask the receptionist for copies of that paperwork to review.
Don’t let a fear of the unknown or thinking that your problems aren’t severe enough prevent you from talking to a qualified professional about them. It would be better if more people did talk about their issues sooner. Maybe then they could be intercepted before those issues explode into full-blown crises or drastic situations.
Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you are having a rough time. It can make a tremendous difference.
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A mental illness diagnosis can be a frightening experience. I’ve talked to quite a few people who are newly diagnosed and utterly terrified about what it means for their future. There are numerous ways to go about managing mental illness and living a gainful, meaningful life. The problem is that we are all individuals, with our own opinions on what will and won’t work for us, what we are and are not willing to try.
Mental illness is very disruptive to our emotions and perspective. Many of us are diagnosed around a time of great instability due to unwellness. Mental illness can take those fears and twist them drastically out of proportion. Don’t listen to those fears. Stick to the path that will get you professional help.
In the US, that can mean an initial appointment and then a meeting with a psychiatrist three to six weeks later. It is really easy to convince yourself that you may not actually need the appointment while waiting for it. Fear, doubt, irrationality, or a rationalization of recent circumstances can all contribute to a decision to avoid the appointment. If you’re in this position, just stay focused on getting to that appointment.
The best way to set yourself up for success is to start figuring out how your mental illness affects you specifically. The same mental illnesses can look drastically different from person to person. It can be really difficult to see unless you understand what the symptoms actually look like. This is a major problem in a lot of books and content you will run into. Most of it is created through the filter of the way the creator experiences or perceives mental illness. That is not to suggest that it is not valuable, because it is. You just need to take any information you consume with a grain of salt because it may not apply to you.
I highly recommend visiting a counselor with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy experience with the goals of learning about the functionality of your diagnosis, exploring your history, and exploring who you are currently. Their experience and clinical knowledge can help you build the foundation for long-term recovery. I personally believe that anyone would benefit from really exploring and working to understand why they are the person that they are. Developing self-awareness can help you find your way in the organized chaos that life can be.
The best thing about diagnosis is that it is the start of the establishment of control over the chaotic, destructive force that is mental illness. The decisions on how to go about building that control are best made with the assistance of a qualified mental health professional. Ask questions when you have them. If you don’t understand, ask more questions. Building your knowledge will help you keep track of what does and does not work for you.
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t experience immediate results. The pursuit of mental wellness is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time and patience. I know, I know. “I’m not a patient person!” Well, then you can look forward to developing a new skill, because it is a requirement. It takes time to learn. It takes time to see if and how medication works. It takes time to pick through and understand the damage that mental illness has done to your life. It takes time to fix it.
A diagnosis is not a death sentence. It is the start of a new chapter of your life, hopefully the beginning of something much better for you.
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Ever say the phrase, “I try to see the good in other people?” I hear it all the time from the people that reach out to me, particularly from people who are in abusive situations. It’s a romanticized sentiment that is not really applicable in the real world. Not all people are good. Some people only have a sliver of good in an ocean of bad. Others are a majority good but have a sliver of bad that is so negative that it can’t be overlooked. There are others simply project being good to the world and do awful things behind closed doors. And there are plenty of people who are just entirely apathetic to it all.
The people that announce “I try to see the good in other people” are essentially announcing to the world that they are an easy target. In my experience, these individuals will cling to the fragments of good that they see in another person, like an abusive partner, to further convince themselves that this person that they love is a good person and thus deserving of their love. And it’s not limited to romance. It’s parents, siblings, children, or really any interpersonal dynamic.
They hold onto this idea that if they are good, loving, and compassionate to this person, that the person will notice it, respect it, and return love. I don’t believe respect and love work that way. There are different types and levels of both. The respect you have for yourself is different from the respect you have for an enemy is different from the respect you have for a loved one. And love is the same way. There are different levels, types, and strengths of love.
I never look for the good in anyone. I look for their humanity and what makes them who they are. In doing so, it doesn’t really surprise me when someone does something good or bad. There seems to be a common belief that good and bad are absolutes; but I’ve known quite a few people who have done bad things because they felt they had no other choice. Those decisions can be driven by circumstances like mental illness or environment. Actions that are good can certainly have bad elements to them and vice versa.
As someone who is High-Functioning Autistic and tends to see things in black and white, this was a challenging thing to identify and accept. My brain just doesn’t do shades of gray very well. But that’s life, isn’t it? It’s all just different shades of gray. The color of gray you interpret a situation as is dictated by your emotions, perception, and life experiences. What’s good and bad to me may not necessarily be good or bad to you. That’s totally fine.
Instead of good or bad, it’s more helpful to look at the destructiveness, motivation, and that person’s response to their actions. We, the mentally ill, can do some pretty awful things to ourselves and other people while we are unwell. I understand that because I’ve lived that life. As a result, I’ve been able to forgive some pretty serious unwell actions out of others because I could see they were trying their hardest to rectify the situation and change it.
But then you have the people who simply do not care how their actions affect you and your life. They use kindness and compassion as leverage and a weapon against the people that care about them. Well, I see no reason to be a victim to those people. If they can’t understand or don’t care how damaging their actions are, then why should anyone suffer along with them?
Maybe they will see the error of their ways in the future or maybe they won’t. Either way, will you still be healthy and well when that time comes? Or will the pain, chaos, and misery destroy you in the process? Compassion and understanding are limited resources and will dry up sooner or later. I’ve watched that destruction happen numerous times. You have to be the one that ensures it doesn’t happen to you. No one else can do it for you.
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Every once in awhile, one of my readers will ask for my input on a product, service, or system that relates to mental health. It’s usually in the holistic or alternative medicine categories. It recently occurred to me that many of the people shilling bullshit and false hope to desperate people parade the angle presented in the title: “Do you REALLY think you inherited a chemical imbalance?”
Let’s take a dive into marketing psychology really quick. This kind of open-ended question is not designed to make you think yes or no, even though it is a yes or no question. Instead, it is designed to instill doubt in your mind. What did you think when you read the title? Did you think, “Oh that’s total bullshit!” Did you think, “Wait, that does sound kind of ridiculous.” What was the reason that you clicked the link and landed on my blog? It’s not because you thought yes or no, is it?
Businesses and advertisers bet their advertising budgets on that kind of thinking every day.
I was asked to look over a book and system that a medical doctor was selling through their website. The central theme of the author’s message was “Isn’t it a little ridiculous that the establishment says you can inherit a chemical imbalance? You can fix that with diet changes, regular sleep, and natural living!” I could tell that their website copy was written by marketers and probably proofread by a lawyer because there were no solid assertions, only leading questions like the above, designed to funnel your mind down a particular path: that it’s totally ridiculous that you can inherit a chemical imbalance and you should buy my book and two month long program for a metric shit-ton of cash to get it under control!
About 80% of the information on the site was valid, useful information. The problem is that they willfully omitted a chunk of very important, relevant information that helps to clarify the entire picture. In retrospect, I realized that quite a few people selling bullshit products and services do the same thing. They sell the angle of chemical imbalance pretty hard because it doesn’t sound severe, much like “mood disorder” doesn’t sound all that severe until you understand what it is.
How many Bipolar people reading this right now can think of at least one other family member who is likely Bipolar? How many supporters reading this can clearly see other examples of mental illness in their loved one’s family? I know that it is pretty damned clear in my own family history.
Why would Bipolar Disorder frolic through the family lineages of many of us? The only truly unifying thread is the genetic information being passed down. There are plenty of people who do not manifest a mental illness that runs in the family. That’s what genetic predisposition is all about. That link points to a discussion about recessive and dominant genes as related to hair color and eye color, a very common way to explain genetic predisposition.
The same is true for several mental illnesses. Just because there is a genetic predisposition for it, a potential for it to be there, doesn’t mean it will emerge. Neither of my parents or any of my siblings manifested Bipolar Disorder; but once you start jumping out to extended family then you can see evidence of it all over the place.
Con artists and the ignorant parade and tout the chemical imbalance angle without ever addressing the real question: “Why is the chemical imbalance there in the first place?” They also tend to conveniently leave out the numerous other factors associated with Bipolar Disorder; such as overworking and inhibited sections of the brain it affects, volume loss of brain matter that intensifies unwell cycles, abnormalities in the way the brain communicates between sections, and more.
“But, Dennis! You’re not a doctor or mental health professional!”
Correct. I am not. There are plenty of qualified professionals out there who are ignorant, have no idea what they’re talking about, or are just plain terrible people. A lot of people look at “Doctor” and think “trustworthy.” I once had a doctor for all of 10 minutes, right up until he revealed that he “didn’t believe in Bipolar Disorder,” and wasn’t going to re-prescribe my lithium because “I didn’t need it.” Now, for people that are unaware, lithium is not a “fun” drug. No one wants to take the shit. It doesn’t get you high or anything of the sort. I don’t take it because I like it or because it’s fun. No one does. I take it because it keeps me sane and from tearing my life to pieces on a regular basis.
And that does not mean that all doctors or mental health professionals are bad. Not at all. I’ve had some great ones. Trust, but verify.
“But, Dennis! People with Bipolar Disorder are normal just like anyone else!”
No. We’re not. And the sooner that we come to terms with that, the easier it is to swallow all of the bullshit that we have to go through to be well, balanced, and maintain it long-term. Our minds are physically different. Our thought processes are different. Our emotional reactions are different. We are not “normal.” We have to learn how to live and exist in a way that is right for us, that will allow us to find whatever happiness and peace of mind that we can find, and mitigate the destruction that can surround us due to unwell cycles.
People that push ideas like, “it’s just a chemical imbalance” are not just selling a product, they are selling false hope that we can be normal. “Just buy my books/program/services/crystals/chakra realignment/psychic healing/nutrition plan/herbal supplement and then you can be just like everyone else, too! We have a simple solution to all of the pain, misery, suffering, loss, and destruction you’ve suffered! Big Pharma just wants to turn you into a customer! Not cure you! BUY MY SHIT!”
Those products have as much chance of curing mental illness as it does of curing a gunshot wound. They don’t address the CAUSE of the symptoms, and science isn’t far enough along in it’s understanding of the brain and several mental illnesses to provide an ACTUAL cure. I may not be a doctor, but I know enough to understand how monumental and complex the task is.
“But, Dennis! Psych medication doesn’t treat the cause of the symptoms either!”
Correct. It doesn’t. Nothing that we currently have does. Many people interpret this to mean that everything is equal, but it’s not. No one’s spent millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours, research, and study on the cause and effect relationship of how chakra realignment or “purging toxins” benefits a person. And frankly, if there were anything to it, “Big Pharma” would have already bought the rights to it and produced their own products if they were as Machiavellian as the alternative health crowd would have you believe. Martin Shkreli, anyone? It’s not like we’re living in a vacuum where Big Pharma would be totally oblivious to the information and claims.
“But, Dennis! Big Pharma does x, y, z evil/shady/awful thing!”
No. “Big Pharma” does not. Humans involved in Big Pharma may or may not be doing awful things. But the same is true for anything, anywhere that humans are involved. For example, Steven Nardizzi, the CEO of Wounded Warrior Project allegedly using donation funds like a party slush fund. The Non-Profit sector didn’t do that. The Wounded Warrior Project didn’t do that. These are the alleged actions and decisions made by one person that affected a whole lot of other people, including denying wounded veterans the resources that donors were putting into their mission. Can we just write off the entire Non-Profit sector because of his actions? No. That would be stupid.
Just like we can’t write off the pharmaceutical industry because there are bad players in their number.
Be wary of anyone providing easy answers or making grand claims. In my experience, they’re either ignorant of the complexity of the problem or are con artists preying on the confused, hopeless, and desperate. I hope the few bucks in profit are worth the tax that comes with contributing to the suffering, chaos, and suicides of at-risk people and their family members.
And yes, I purposefully chose not to include that doctor’s name in this blog post. Putting that person on blast is not the point. The point is to better enable you to spot any person like them that may derail and jeopardize your pursuit of wellness and happiness.
Bipolar Disorder is a manageable mental illness. But it’s hard. It’s all hard. And not everyone will succeed, for reasons too numerous to list.
Beware of anyone selling simple solutions. They do not exist.
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I’ve been putting in quite a few hours to get my third eBook ready finished, polished, and ready for launch. The subject matter of my next eBook centers around tearing down the barriers that separate Bipolar people, their Supporters, and loved ones when the situation is not toxic. A big part of working to tear down those barriers is to understand where the person is at on their journey.
Many advocates and Bipolar spaces around the internet trumpet the individual nature of mental illness loudly. That’s true, to an extent. Mental illness is a very personal experience. However, as someone who spent 5 years doing internet marketing work, it is very clear to me that niches exist in our overall demographic. I’ve spent a great deal of time reflecting on how I analyze the situations and people I interact with as a means to best communicate with and reach people.
As a bit of a teaser let me share with you the the niches that I’m referring to as the “Stages of the Journey” with some brief notes.
Stage 1: Lost (Toxic) / Lost (Aware)
Stage 1 is divided into two categories, Lost (Toxic) and Lost (Aware). A Lost (Toxic) individual may be undiagnosed and doing all of the awful things we do to ourselves and others, diagnosed but are unaware of the severity of the problem, or simply don’t give a shit. The Lost (Aware) person has caught glimpses of understanding that there is something wrong with them that needs addressed, but does not understand how to start confronting the problem. This is where we start our journey. Many of us bounce back and forth between the two due to instability and the chaos of life.
Stage 2: Novice
Stage 2 begins when the person understands and accepts that they have a problem, at least some of the time, and they are willing to confront it. Many people do struggle with the idea of having a mental illness. It is very easy for a person at Stage 2 to fall back somewhere into Stage 1. This person needs support, encouragement, and tangible goals to keep them in Stage 2 and looking forward. At this stage, the person is beginning to learn about their mental illness and themselves.
Stage 3: Learner
These individuals don’t struggle as often with their diagnosis. People in Stage 3 are most receptive to information. These people are active participants in pursuing wellness. They not only attend their appointments, but tend to act on whatever practices their mental health professionals are telling them they need to be well. These individuals still need support from time to time, but their needs are less pronounced than previous stages.
Stage 4: Adept
Stage 4 is the last stage. Adept is defined as someone who is reasonably skilled and proficient at a thing. The mentally ill person at Stage 4 has a firm grasp on their mental illness, management, and engages in the practices required to be healthy. This person has likely been through therapy, different doctors, different medications, and more. Ideally, this individual is living a fairly typical life.
I chose Adept to describe the final Stage for a specific reason. One would assume you would end a list with something like “Expert” or “Master.” Right? Not in this case. Because even if the person is an absolute expert on their own diagnosis as it pertains to them, that does not mean that the information is applicable to the next person. I’ve had more than a handful of advocates inform me they were an “expert” on Bipolar Disorder when I pointed out that they were giving bad or misinformation. They’re not, I’m not, you’re not; and you probably won’t be unless you decide to go into psychology and study the work of the doctors that have brought us to our current understanding of a mental illness.
The Adept often suffers from one very major drawback that I’ve seen over and over. They often do not understand that just because they take their medication and go through whatever practices are required to be well now, that they will continue to be well in the future. I’ve seen more than a couple Adepts backslide because they either didn’t know or forgot that the body can grow tolerant to psych medication, which can let the Disorder and an unwell cycle creep back in. The person is often convinced they are totally fine, because they have been fine for years and regularly take their meds. So how can they possibly be unwell now? And then the Disorder further convinces them that they are totally fine and it’s everyone else that is the problem, allowing the unwell cycle to run unchecked.
But What’s the Point?
Effective communication requires understanding one’s target audience. If I’m going to write a romance story, then I need to have a reasonable understanding of how women who read those books think and what they take out of the work. Similarly, I have never had a Lost person tell me my writing was too abrasive, I shouldn’t swear, or inane bullshit like “you should refer to yourself as a person with Bipolar Disorder instead of a Bipolar person.”
On the contrary, I instead get regular feedback like, “your writing is the first that really spoke to me.” Because I’m writing in the tones and language of the way that we think, but do not express, so we don’t have to listen to people bitch at us about it.
Anyway! In my next eBook, I go over these things more in-depth, in addition to methods I use to effectively communicate and build knowledge at the various stages to help people find their way up the ladder. It is my hope that this will allow supporters and their mentally ill loved ones to better dismantle the barriers that inhibit communication; in addition to providing a clearer road map and goals for we mentally ill who are trying to find our way.
The next eBook is still a bit out, but I will keep you posted when it gets closer to release time.
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The struggle for stability is a war we all wage with ourselves. Unfortunately, there are casualties in war. Some are collateral damage, others are direct damage. Today I bring you a true story of a direct casualty. On June 10th, 2014, a man I’ll call “R” for the sake of privacy, committed suicide. I had been in regular contact with one of his loved ones, a woman I’ll call “H”, for awhile up to this point.
R was diagnosed in 2000 but refused to accept his diagnosis. He went on meds for a little while but didn’t like the way they made him feel. So he quit and decided that he wasn’t Bipolar. Part of it may have just been stubbornness; but I suspect a large part of it was an unwillingness to give up a career he loved for his mental well being.
R was an older man, and had spent decades dealing with what went on his mind. All the people around him knew something was drastically wrong; but no one could get him to see how different his moods and mentality were. It was just part of being who he was to him.
Unfortunately, he was an unmedicated Bipolar. And his refusal to acknowledge it, explore options, try to understand it at all cost him everything. In turn, it cost his child a father, H a love, and his siblings a brother.
I asked H if she would be willing to relate the story of her time with R, from the time they met on an online dating site until his suicide. The link you will find below is the story of R, as written primarily by H. I did contribute some very light editing and formatting to make it easier to read.
I asked her to do this so that perhaps H and R’s story could help others understand whether they are trying to get through to someone or thinking of giving up themselves. We hope that readers will be able to take some understanding away or even get a person that was in R’s situation to consider the ramifications of the war they are waging, whether they realize it or not.
It’s a bit long, but I think it’s worth the read. It’s a very good illustration of the natural progress of a severe manic cycle and the results of a severe depressive crash.
If you have someone you care about that’s refusing to help themselves; show it to them. Maybe they will be able to see themselves in R and his actions. Perhaps they will be able to see their potential future if they do not accept their problems and fight them.
Bipolar Disorder doesn’t care. It doesn’t care how smart, dumb, rich, poor, awesome, or shitty of a person you are. People that think they can handle it without any assistance are deluding themselves. They are potentially one severe trigger from a similar path. This shit is life and death whether we acknowledge it or not.
So please, share H’s story. Let’s try and inspire people in a similar situation to get the help they need.
Decision making is not one of the strong suits of an unwell, mentally ill person. The unwell brain can potentially convince us that anything is not only a great idea; but the best idea of our lives. This is apparent by sifting through the ashes of the remains of our collective pasts. I would venture to say that one would be hard pressed to find a person with a mood disorder without some fond memories of a circumstance before they torched it. Friendships, relationships, employment opportunities, alcohol and drug abuse, broken homes; and the shitloads of other things I’m not listing.
Understanding that we do have this problem with a skewed perception of the world can go a long way towards managing it. I am Bipolar with severe Depression. I KNOW, 100% KNOW, that I am periodically going to make awful or stupid decisions because my brain is a dysfunctional piece of shit. I know that I have to be constantly on guard to ensure that I do not make unwell decisions. I also know that no one is perfect and no matter how vigilant I am, I will make mistakes. Everyone will.
We can minimize these mistakes through communication and leaning on people we can trust. If I get a “great” idea about something- I run it past one of the people I trust to see if it is actually a good idea or if I’m just insane at the moment. Even if they agree, I typically sit on it for a little while just in case.
Those of you who are married, in long-term relationships, or even have adult children; those people can help you separate fact from fiction if you have a decent relationship. It takes a little understanding on both sides though. The well member of the relationship needs to be able to handle getting a more direct line into the unwell’s mind.
Let’s say that Steve’s wife Maria is Bipolar. One day, she pipes up with “I don’t love you anymore, I met someone else, and I’m leaving.” Steve can’t afford to let his own emotions overwhelm him. Is there a basis for these feelings? Were they happy up until recently? Has Maria been exhibiting any of her symptoms of being manic?
If she has, then Steve can point that out to her. “You haven’t been sleeping, your thoughts and words have been all over the place; you seem like you’re manic right now. We were content and working things out just fine until just a couple weeks ago. Why don’t you wait before doing anything? Get in to see your doctor and see if you need your meds adjusted. If you still feel the same a couple months down the road then we’ll readdress it.”
This example is a simple break down of a complex situation. There will undoubtedly be a lot of emotions, turmoil, and probably conflict. There is a chance that Maria will insist she is perfectly fine and completely clear at the moment. On the other hand, if the two of you have communicated ahead of time about working through these periods together; then hopefully she will be able to see the logic in Steve’s words and he will know not to react too negatively when they occur.
Because they WILL occur.
If you are in a relationship and either party is Bipolar; it affects you both very deeply. Hoping that everything will be alright or failing to acknowledge that unwell periods will occur in the future is just pointless wishful thinking. Want to make things work? Then you have to communicate and strategize BEFORE it becomes an issue. Have the plan laid out ahead of time so you can fall back to it.
The flurry of emotions and erratic thoughts makes it very hard to make good decisions while you’re unwell. The idea is to have these decisions made before it becomes relevant. That way the well party can point at it and say “Look, we talked about this while you were balanced and this is what we agreed to. We need to stick to that if we want to make things work.”
One pitfall the well party will want to avoid is overusing it. Save it for the really serious stuff otherwise the mentally ill partner will start to resent it. You don’t want to conclude that every bit of conflict or anger is due to an unwell cycle. We get pissed off and irritated about stuff too without flying into La-La Land. Save it for the stuff that has the potential to severely damage the relationship.
There are times when no amount of logic, pre-planning, or effort will work. The unwell mind is just too far out there to be brought back without something serious happening. At times like this, you may not have any recourse. Sometimes all you can do is let things play out how they will if the person isn’t a direct threat to themselves or someone else.
It is our instinct to want to help the people we care about. We, as humans, want to try and get things fixed immediately if they are broken. This is normal. The problem is that mental illness is abnormal. Relationship problems with a mentally ill person cannot always be remedied in a typical way.
But there is good news in all of this. Relationships with a person with a mood disorder (including Bipolar Disorder) are doable. By educating oneself, the well person can learn to identify the symptoms of when their loved one is getting unstable. These symptoms present the same way that a stuffy nose and a cough may indicate a cold. A Bipolar person that hasn’t been sleeping and is rambling nonstop about nothing is probably getting manic. The well person can then point it out to the Bipolar, potentially catching an unwell period before it gets going full steam.
Children are another major factor. I have met so many people that want to shield their kids from a parent’s mental illness. I understand the reasoning. It’s a difficult subject. I think it is a bit absurd to think that children don’t know that something is up. They know when mom or dad “gets in a mood” they shouldn’t bother them. They may not be able to put a name to it but they know something is up. Anyone that spends an excessive amount of time around an unwell person is going to figure it out eventually.
My personal opinion is that more children should be included. Mature kids or adult children can even be a valuable ally in pointing out when things are a bit awry with Mom or Dad. I feel there is a great benefit in helping to reduce stigma and increase awareness as well. If we treat it as just another part of life that some people have to deal with, perhaps they will be more comfortable about coming forward with their own problems should they develop.
I know that for years I thought what was going on in my head was normal stuff that everyone else dealt with too. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had very little exposure to mental illness besides through media sources. Mental illness is much quieter than we are often exposed to through the media.
I believe that by confronting it together, things will be much better for everyone involved.
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Anyone that has spent any amount of time poking around the internet has likely run into the Laughing and Crying Drama Masks as representations of the dual nature of Bipolar Disorder. Of course, the Crying Mask can easily represent Depression. Hell, I use it on my Facebook page myself. But I had an epiphany while having a conversation with one of my visitors who goes by “T” in the comments. So thank you, T, for jogging this particular thought process that I’m working on writing about.
The thought processes I’m referring to is one I hear constantly from folks dealing with the struggles that we face. “I’m afraid of medication because I don’t want to be a zombie.” “I don’t want to take it because it might make me someone I’m not.”
But here’s the thing- the reason those Drama Masks are such a perfect representation is because the Disorder (and Depression) are essentially masking who you actually are. The unmedicated, often unwell person you know now may not actually be the person you are. Instead, the person you are is obscured because the Mask is on.
I’ll use myself as an example, as I typically do. From what I can gather, I started Bipolar cycling when I was about 13. I spent about 75% of my time depressed, 20% of my time hypomanic, and maybe 5% as “other”; normal or recovering from an unwell cycle where I didn’t immediately shift into another cycle. The person wearing the mask had precious few opportunities to actually peek out from behind the Masks in that time frame.
The caseworker I saw for diagnosis asked me, “when was the last time you felt happy?” I couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know what hypomania was but I knew my “good times” were very damaging and strange for me- so I knew that wasn’t happiness because that’s not how it worked for other people. Happy people didn’t fuck up their lives and do insane shit when they weren’t depressed (which was my frame of reference that I didn’t quite understand since I thought everyone struggled with the same shit I did).
I’ve had glimpses of regular emotions unstained by mental illness. Only a few times but I remember the feeling crystal clear because it was like 3 times in the span of 20 years. I felt happy once, for absolutely no reason at all. I felt sad when I found out my ex-Fiancee had moved on and was engaged again; and then I felt happy when I realized I was feeling sad with no hint of depression on the horizon. Honestly, I had no idea what to do with myself with it because in 20 years I do not remember EVER feeling JUST sad. It was always depression. Numbness. Nothing. Null and void.
Those Drama Masks are an apt representation because the real you is behind the Mask while you’re unwell. The medication, self-management, doctor appointments, all the bullshit that we hate fucking doing- it’s to take that mask off and set it aside. The person behind the mask is the real you.
And let’s face it- that can be a frightening and daunting prospect. I’m not perfectly medicated at the moment but I’ve had tastes of wellness that keeps me driving forward, keeps me self-managing, keeps me hungry to succeed. I know the apathetic bastard is waiting to come out if I slip back behind one of the Masks. Frankly, that guy is a fucking dick. But that’s the person I was when the Disorder owned me.
Those of you that have been dealing with this shit for a long time who are afraid of what you might become if you pursued wellness- don’t be afraid. It’s quite likely that you probably don’t know the person you actually are. And speaking from experience- my outlook on a lot of things changed but my interests really haven’t. I still love heavy metal and rap, book/dice and video gaming, reading and learning; and essentially everything I usually have.
What has changed? Perspective largely. I don’t look at the world through shit-colored glasses anymore. If I drop a glass in the sink and it shatters, the Depression doesn’t automatically go “that figures, you always fuck things up.” Instead, with that Mask taken off; it’s just a shrug and me saying “mother fucker” to myself.
And to quote T’s comment- “I appreciate the points you added about the goal of meds and side effects being manageable. It really did help to stabilize me. Funny, I would write profoundly deep and dark pieces in my depressive states. The second day of my medicine I was feeling silly and giddy and wrote a couple of lighthearted, funny pieces. So the creativity is still there, but more balanced, as well as the moods. I’m glad that making the choice to take the correct medications gives even more choices.”
That’s a perfect example of getting a glimpse of the actual person behind the Mask.
And I want you to always remember (and I will beat this drum loudly for the rest of my existence)- psych medication should accomplish two goals. 1. It should make your mental illness manageable. 2. It should have bearable/manageable side effects.
If it does not accomplish those two goals then it is NOT RIGHT no matter how much your doctor may want to brush you aside and get moving (much love and/or mad props to the doctors and nurses that actually give a shit about their patients). YOU have to be the one to advocate for yourself and your wellness. What the fuck good is trading one debilitating problem for another? It’s not a fucking solution.
Sooner or later you’ll find a way to pack those Masks away in a trunk, chain it up, and dump it in the ocean where it belongs. You’ll get to know the real you. It will probably be a long, hard, shitty journey. But goddamn victory will be sweet.
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I spend a significant amount of time talking about psychiatric medication because I run into so many people that have drastic misconceptions about it, its applications, and how to best find success with it. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to use psych medication to try and get stable. What’s important is that you are making an informed choice about it. My personal opinion is that it is impossible to get control over Bipolar Disorder without it. Yes- a person can minimize the impact of unwell periods through natural means. I have never heard of anyone being able to eliminate the cycles altogether, with data to back it up, through non-medication means.
-There is a fuse on explosive situations.
Due to my living openly with Bipolar Disorder, I get pulled aside by quite a few people for a few quick words. A lot of those encounters have to do with a friend or loved one who was on a psych medication and ended up killing themselves. I’ve ran into Bipolars who did not want to take psych meds because they had a relative who killed themselves while on it or had a friend who preached the evils of it.
Every time I hear one of these stories my mind is flooded with questions. Was the person drinking/doing drugs while on it? Were they taking it as directed? Did they contact their doctor if they are having problems? Did they try and quit cold turkey? All of these things can possibly have devastating repercussions.
A person starting a new psychiatric medication knows they are going into a potentially dangerous situation. Therefore, you need to take precautions to ensure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Stop and analyze your moods a couple times a day as you start taking it. If it is making you worse- CALL YOUR DOCTOR. It really is that simple. A person that slits their wrists isn’t doing it because of the pills they took 5 minutes before. It can be fast but there is plenty of time to catch dangerous mental shifts if you are paying attention and monitoring your thoughts.
-A Bipolar person will likely be on psychiatric medication for the rest of their life.
“I started feeling better so I stopped taking it.” “I only take it when I don’t feel well.” “I won’t have to be on it that long, will I?”
Yes, yes you will. Bipolar Disorder is for life. When you get well from taking the medication, you MUST continue taking the medication if you want to retain your stability. The medication replaces chemicals or stimulates processes in your mind that it normally lacks- which is the physical reason behind the drastic mood shifts of the Disorder.
I’m pretty sure that most of us have a story of when we decided we didn’t need medication anymore and stopped taking it. It’s a great way to cause chaos in your mind on an unprecedented scale. If you’re well- do yourself and your loved ones a favor and keep taking the meds. Yes, it sucks to be shackled to it the rest of your life. But if it’s any consolation, look at your life up until that point and decide if you want to go back to that or take some pills every day? Bring on the pills!
-There are affordable medications out there to get Bipolar Disorder under control.
A significant portion of the people I talk to about Bipolar Disorder are either broke as shit or are on their way to broke as shit. When I provide people with information or advice, I want to ensure they are getting useful information they can implement and use for an extended period of time without too much of a burden on themselves. I know there are plenty of times in my life that I couldn’t afford 100+ bucks a month for medication and I don’t assume others can either.
So! Below you will find a list of generic medications available from the Wal-Mart pharmacy (or check your local pharmacies/big box retailers to see if any of them have generic programs) that are $4 for 30 days. Generics are simply meds that are no longer in their patent period which is what commands the high prices of name brand medications as the company tries to recoup their development investment and turn a profit. A lot of times it’s the same company that originally held the patent that produces them.
When you deal with your doctor- ask for a generic equivalent if possible. You have to be proactive about being informed. Doctors don’t regularly monitor pharmacy prices.
I presently take Lithium Carbonate and Citalopram. I tried Fluoxetine but it didn’t do a damned thing for me. Lithium is the gold standard of mood stabilizers and has been in use as one since about 1950. It works really well for a lot of people and is the standard to which all new mood stabilizers are held.
I typically do not “recommend” anything. My usual advice is just keep trying things until something works because your brain chemistry is unique to you. Just because something works for me doesn’t mean a damned thing for you at all. However, Lithium is the exception as it has decades of data behind it. If you need an affordable mood stab, I recommend researching and inquiring with your doctor about lithium carbonate. It can potentially have some very severe side effects and isn’t a good choice for people with high blood pressure or heart problems. Do your research on any medication you put into your body. Pharmacies give you fact sheets, ask your doctor, ask your pharmacist, whatever.
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