I was recently sent an article arguing the “offensiveness” in linking certain patterns and beliefs to mental health. The subject was a paranoid schizophrenic painter by name of Martin Ramirez. A curator suggested certain symbolism in his art denoted a “more sane and less mentally ill part of Ramirez”. Apparently, this was some indicator of a greater problem in perception of the man.
This raises a significant question to me. Who actually cares about this kind of thing? The article does suggest the sentence could have been taken out of context- which it was. It was some curator trying to comment on the unique work of Ramirez while acknowledging what drove his thought processes. He wasn’t a psychologist. The curator didn’t struggle with his own mental health. That is apparent by his comment.
The article goes on to state that it is a perfect example of the kind of attitudes we experience on a daily basis in our private and professional lives. Demanding that degree of understanding from normals is as futile as bailing out the Pacific with a thimble. Even the people we are closest to in our lives often do not fully understand why we do what we do or what we think what we do. How are we to expect society to do that on a whole? They cannot. It’s impossible.
Normals can play an ancillary role in the struggle for understanding and social acceptance but it is ultimately up to we, the mentally ill. Our path is no different than that of the Civil Rights movements that have occurred throughout this country’s history. The only difference is our bond crosses race, sex, orientation, and faith.
We as a whole should focus on picking ourselves and others that are mentally ill up. Why? The more of us that are well and able to show through action that we are deserving to not be treated like a sideshow the greater impact there will be. Would it not be better to see Senators or Representatives that have fought with and learned to manage their mental illness? Would those kind of people not be more inclined to push for more effective protection against the jackals in the insurance industry? Would that not offer more hope to people that they could get well?
Fighting stigma is important- if it matters. I understand that people lose careers, families, and their sense of self every day because of mental illness. I feel for you. I really do. But the battle for Political Correctness will only provide the illusion of progress.
Don’t believe me? Then why are so many women still paid far less in the same position with the same education and experience as a man? Why did it take Congress 30 years to repeal sentencing parameters being five times longer for the same amount of crack-cocaine than regular cocaine? A crack rock is to cocaine powder what ice is to liquid water; they‘re the same thing. The only difference was crack was the drug of the poor and minorities while cocaine continues to be the drug of the middle to upper class.
There is no perfect equality and there never will be. Someone will always be under foot, oppressed, and fighting. Does that mean we should not stand up for ourselves against the tide? Absolutely not!
It does mean we should pay more attention to which battles are worth fighting. Focus on the battles that will allow us to conduct our lives in a way that is gainful and meaningful to us. I’m not interested in the illusion of equality and opportunity that so many people have in this country. I’m interested in real opportunity for the mentally ill, women, minorities, and anyone else deserving.
Opening our own avenues of opportunity will bring equality and understanding.
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I dislike suicide, not for the obvious reasons. I dislike it because the absolute end leaves behind so much stupidity. The person who ends up losing the war in their mind and commits suicide is rarely remembered with fondness or warmth. No, they’re remembered for the sole act of committing suicide. A singular act in their life that redefined everything else they may have accomplished to that date. I would point out that I’m not talking about things like assisted suicide for the terminally ill or someone who is just tired of life in general. I had indirect association with a man in his early 50’s who shot himself because he was simply tired of the way life had been for him. Having lived in poverty, I can understand that mentality and sympathize.
Instead, I’m talking about the people that struggle with depressive components of mental illness and end up killing themselves. Those types of problems do not just appear overnight. They ramp up over a long period of time. In the case of Don Cornelius, he had been expressed dark and depressive thoughts the last few years since his divorce which his friends are now realizing were indicators of a more serious problem. And therein is the problem; hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to go back and realize there was a problem after the fact. That doesn’t really help anyone though. People will inevitably miss indicators, the mentally ill will periodically take their own lives; it is impossible to “save” everyone.
So when someone does lose the fight, why is it that they are remembered for that singular act? That one act where the scales finally tipped far enough to the suicidal side of the spectrum to cause them to act. In my own family, we have a history of mental illness with some murders and suicides thrown in for good measure. Since my mother was adopted, she did not find her biological mother until she was about 50. I was the only person in my family with mental difficulties that I knew about until that family was found. It would be easier for me to milk a honey badger than it is to get people to talk about the suicides.
“We don’t talk about that.” “Um, that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.” “I don’t think we should talk about that.”
I get it. It’s easy to paint that person as selfish for making the choice they did. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how suicidal thinking works. It’s not so much as a choice as it is a culmination of bullshit stacking up with the perception that there is no way out. Most people that attempt suicide are not doing so because they want to die, they do so because they can no longer deal with their problems and they have no hope it will change. I have 1 active and 6 passive suicide attempts under my belt, if I thought for a second that the next 18 years would be anything like the past 18 years; I would slit my wrists and jump off the bridge. But no, I have hope things can be different.
I am sorry that a person close to you caused you so much pain. But you know what? YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. By not talking about these things it is far more difficult for other people going through it in a family to come forward or seek help. Why? They don’t want to be labelled as a “nutcase” or treated differently. But no, what really matters is the feelings of the living and how deceased’s action made them feel. Not the fact that the person laying in the box no longer has that choice.
Dear reader, I am very weary. I’m weary of people using emotions and feelings as a crutch. As much as I have tried, I simply do not have the energy to care about how these people feel about something that they clearly don’t understand. A week after, I can understand. 20, 30 years later? Really? When is it appropriate to talk about suicide?
If you had someone in your life close to you commit suicide, forgive them. It will do wonders for your own mentality. Remember them fondly. Hell, set a place for them at your next holiday dinner. They walked a long, hard, lonely road and lost their war. But here’s the thing. If you have kids or family members around who are walking the same path in their mind, they will be more open to talking about what’s in their mind.
A great number of mental illnesses have their roots in genetics. Which means if your family line up to that point has struggled with mental illness, it’s a pretty safe assumption it’s going to continue down the line. Changing that perception may prevent your grandkids or great grandkids from taking the same route the deceased did.
Silence benefits no one.
Now it’s too late to change the fate
To change the way, the time is out
Way too soon you had to go away
Why so soon you had to fly away
The guilt, The pain burning like a flame
The pain we feel too bad it’s so real
Feelings of shame ourselves we blame
Throughout the years speaking to deaf ears
– ‘Wasted Years’ – Norther
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There are not a whole lot of things in this world that I hate, but depression and the depressive side of the Disorder is definitely a big one. A major determination in my Social Security Disability hearing was the feeling that my depressive component more closely resembles a Major Depression as opposed to regular. That was odd to me at first, I tend to view myself as a fairly self-aware individual. The hypomania I’m familiar with. But that leads me to wonder what regular depression is more like?
A deeper depression does explain a lot. There are times when I will go weeks without showering because I just don’t care. Even then, when I do pull myself in its less about getting clean and more about getting my scalp to quit itching. I’ve gone days without eating before just because I don’t care. I’ll go out of my way to avoid social contact because I’m apathetic to human interaction and do not have the energy to waste effort on it.
I will even hit spells where I sit here, look at my medication, and just don’t take it because “fuck it who cares?”. I know I should have been taking it. I know how it’ll affect me if I don’t. I know how bad of an idea it is to just not take it. But there are still times that I fall into that mentality for as much as I harp about people taking responsibility about their medication commitment. I do fail to live up to mine on occasion. I point it out because I want everyone that reads my words to understand that even though I know how important it is, I still get depressed enough to utterly not give a shit.
People that don’t experience depression and try to relate always amuse (or irritate) me. I can remember three times in my adult life that I have felt happy with no hint of depression or hypomania. Three. The first was when I was incorrectly diagnosed as a depressive and put on wellbutrin with no mood stabilizer. There was a day when I felt good as I transitioning from depression to rocketing into hypomania. The second time was when I was diagnosed Bipolar. That lasted a good few hours. The third time was realizing that I was only feeling sad after trying a new medication when my ex-Fiancee informed me she found someone. I went from extremely sad about the situation to extremely happy that I was feeling sad without the void, no depression! That was when I started on prozac which now doesn’t work worth a shit for me again.
Then there’s the assholes that chime in with “Oh do you think everyone’s happy and that’s what life is about or something?” Yes, yes it is. Because if given the choice between living destitute in the gutter without depression or living in luxury in a mansion with it; I would opt for the gutter. Humans are not meant or wired to feel this muted, bastardized version of an emotional spectrum. If I thought for a second I would have to live mired in depression for the rest of my life, I’d kill myself now and get it over with.
But I don’t think that. And I’m not going to let idiots tell me what I know to not be true. I have hope there will be something better for me as I move forward. Now to try yet another antidepressant…
“I hurt myself today, to see if I could feel.
I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.
Tried to kill it all away, but I remember everything.” – Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” (cover by Johnny Cash is excellent)
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An extremely difficult aspect of living with Bipolar Disorder is keeping friendships and relationships in the long-term. The swings that we experience are not only destructive to ourselves but to those we are closest to. Preserving relationships with the people we care most about requires sacrifice, effort, and understanding from all of the involved parties. The following is a foundation for building an approach to keeping these relationships intact. Much of the advice I provide is distilled to a bare bones approach that I feel anyone can adapt to their lifestyle. Mental illness is a personal experience like no other, thus it requires a personalized management style.
*Educating Both Parties
The first step is to build a foundation of knowledge for both parties. The Bipolar person should wait until they are as level as they can be to prevent perceived slights from exploding.
– Bipolar: As a Bipolar, we need to understand how a loved one perceives us while unwell. Are they afraid, uncomfortable, pained? After you level off, you will need to initiate the steps to repair the breach.
– Normal: A Bipolar that is in an unwell period is perceiving life through a twisted lens. We react to things in ways that make no sense to anyone but us. The person that you know and love is in there. It may take days or months, but under normal circumstances they will return when in balance.
*Preservation Strategy
On a regular basis, we the Bipolar are left watching the ashes of our personal lives drifting through our fingers. The actions we take while unwell always have greater repercussions through every aspect of our lives. Thus, we should strive to minimize the damage of the flame once it ignites.
– Bipolar: Always remind yourself to hear what you are being told. Try to prevent their statements from running away in your mind. “I can’t give you ten bucks.” Doesn’t mean anything more than that though it can easily get to ‘That person won’t give me ten bucks because they don’t love, respect, or care about me. So fuck that mother fucker too!’ And now you’re in a hostile mentality ripe for torching that friendship.
– Normal: Be aware that any action or statement you make could get blown out of proportion in the Bipolar’s mind. However, that does not mean that you are to be a doormat or a victim. When dealing with someone who is unwell, keep your statements short and to the point. If their reaction seems out of sync with what is going on, it is quite likely the Disorder twisted it out of proportion. Stay calm and even. If you cannot, leave the conflict. Step away with something like, “I’m not sure if you are unwell or not, but I do not feel this conversation is constructive. We will talk about it tomorrow.” By doing so, you are not providing fuel to make the situation worse.
*Forgiveness Is All Important
There is no more powerful action than forgiveness. That does NOT mean you should allow yourself to ever be a victim or doormat. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat other people like shit. Yes, we periodically do treat other people terribly, but that does not make it right or acceptable.
– Bipolar: Be aware that everyone has certain boundaries that cannot be crossed. In the event that you do, you may very well lose that person or drive them away for good. Should that time come there is not a whole lot you will be able to do. Avoid letting feelings of resentment, anger, or abandonment build. Forgive them. Tell them you understand and let them go. Why? By doing so you are not reinforcing the unwell you in their mind. They are seeing you are a rational, reasonable, understanding person. Their thoughts in the coming days won’t be about whatever lunacy you were going through at the time, but be focused more on their last, rational interaction with you.
– Normal: Not everyone can handle being around the mentally unwell when they are. You need to identify your limits so you know what is entirely out of bounds. This will help the Bipolar person as well since they may be able to recognize it as a boundary. At some point in time, I took to looking behind a person’s actions for motivation before making a judgment. The same thing will help when deciding whether or not to forgive a Bipolar person their slights against you.
For example: I’ve been through approximately 25 jobs in the last 15 years or so. While I was with my second ex-Fiancee, I was still without diagnosis. I continued to lose jobs on a regular basis. Instead of coming clean about it, I lied about why I kept losing jobs to her. Now on the surface, one can just look at it and go “okay you lied several times, you’re a shithead.” and in large part I’d agree. However, I lied because I knew I had difficulties holding a job and was trying to turn it around. I knew it would affect her clinical depression and I did not want her to be so mad at me that I could not help her get through it. Was it right? No. Would I have handled it that way if I was well? No. Was it what my unwell brain told me was the best approach? Yep.
There are very few simple, clear cut reasons with a Bipolar thought process. If they do not cross your limits, its better to forgive them if you don‘t understand the thought process they are relating to you.
*Repairing Breaches
To the people that have experienced the pain of losing someone close to them because of their actions, you might find it hard to believe that there is a silver-lining. Going back, apologizing, and repairing the breaches between you and the people you care about can greatly strengthen your relationships. In addition, it will help separate the people that can handle your unwellness from those that can’t. You will have to take the step forward though. Embrace whatever humility you have to approach the people you wounded to ask forgiveness.
When I put this idea forward, the first response I usually get is “Why should I apologize! I’m the one with the mental illness!” I understand your frustration. This is not about mental illness, this is about showing remorse for hurting someone you care about. The approach I typically use is as follows:
‘I apologize for (insert action here) and the effect it had on you. I was in an unwell Bipolar cycle at the time so I was not myself. And I want you to understand, this is not an excuse but a reason. I acknowledge what I did, I know it was not the right thing to do, and to be honest, there’s a better than good chance I’ll probably end up doing something just as stupid in the future. That’s life with Bipolar Disorder. If you want to forgive me, that’s your choice. If not, I understand that too. If I can make it right, I will.’
And then I give the person space to think if they need it. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few weeks, very rarely do they ever disappear for good.
*A Final Thought
The people in your life that can accept the bullshit we put them through and forgive you are your most valuable allies in your battle for wellness. If they are a person you can trust, their word becomes invaluable while you are unwell. They can be an anchor to what reality actually is. In my case, if I am acting severely out of my mind and someone points it out to me, rather than go out and about and cause the chaos that will come with being unwell; I hole up and ride it out until it passes. Once I rebalance, I get back on the path of whatever it is I was doing. By doing so, I help minimize damage and shorten my unwell periods. The more fuel shoveled in the furnace of mind the longer I’m going to burn, right?
Don’t hesitate to bring the people you love and care about in your world if you are Bipolar. They already know your different facets. They may not like, agree, or desire the unwell you. But there is a person in there that they value and love, otherwise they wouldn’t be putting up with our bullshit. In most cases, the person they love is the well person we are struggling so hard to get to with the therapy, doctors, medication, exercises, and more.
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