Hey y’all. I just wanted to point you to this video, and Dr. Tracey Marks’s Youtube channel. She has a lot of great videos about Bipolar Disorder, including this one that succinctly explains something I’ve been trying to articulate for years – the difference between classic and atypical Bipolar Disorder. Do check it out!
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with nor received compensation for this promotion in any way.
There is a train of thought that I have been wrestling with since I started being open and doing what I do through my website- “how do you get through to someone who doesn’t realize there is a problem?” I’m alright with rock bottom and I know that some people have to fall that far before they can recover. The problem is that “rock bottom” usually entails a lot of awfulness that would be better avoided. Is it homelessness? Divorce? Addiction? Suicide? Rock bottom is an unpleasant place and I know there are times I treat it with a flippant attitude because I managed to get through mine somewhat unscathed. I find that to be unsatisfactory.
Another problem is that I’m sitting here across yon internet. I typically don’t have the benefit of being able to talk to the person and get a glimpse of their life story. I think that getting through the walls is best accomplished through an entirely personal approach that speaks directly to the individual. That way you have an opportunity to explore the history and thought processes of that person and introduce the potential for a better, attainable reality. I believe that it hinges on making the person realize that the way they experience their life is abnormal. After all, if you’ve lived a certain way for 10 or 50 years- how are you supposed to know there’s anything different waiting for you?
The methodology I employ splashes over into what is important to the medical profession. Medical professionals are looking for abnormalities that inflict significant disruption to the patient’s quality of life and their ability to care for themselves. Thus, I feel it’s a good idea to stay along those lines so when the person goes in to talk to the professional they are introducing these significant points.
As usual, let me use myself for as an example.
Employment – I’ve had no fewer than 25 jobs. Some I lost on my own volition. Others I lost for legitimate reasons. I lost at least a dozen because my brain dropped into a severe depression and I just couldn’t function, I couldn’t communicate what was going on in my head, and I would just throw the job aside and stop going. There are others where my brain would be so scattered and chaotic, I’d be furious with everyone, impatient with everything, cuss out a manager or customers. You know, typical Bipolar shenanigans.
How would I use this information if I was confronting me?
“Do you realize it’s not normal to go through dozens of jobs in the span of 15 years? Your brain should not cause you so many problems that you are unable to maintain anything long-term. It’s a possible indicator of something wrong that could be treated. You may be able to end that cycle of destruction and have some stability and consistency.”
And this point is one a medical professional would be interested in because we all need income to exist. This is the kind of thing that should be considered a symptom.
Inability to Feel – The inability to feel is very common with depression. The void consumes everything. I’ve been fighting with depression since I was about 13. In that time, I’ve done the following to cope with it- self-harm in the form of burning myself, a lot of drugs and alcohol, sleeping for 20 hours a day and avoiding everything, and one active and six suicide attempts to finally end it. The days that should have been the happiest days of my life I felt little to nothing. Often, it was only a brief wisp of emotion that was soon sucked under and devoured by depression. To say it fucking sucks is an understatement.
How would I use this information if I was confronting me?
“It’s not normal to not feel. It indicates a potential problem that you need to talk to a doctor about. It’s normal for you because that’s how it’s been in your mind- but that’s not how it has to be if you confront it and fight it. Depression is treatable but you have to get up and pursue it. The suicide attempts, hurting yourself to see if you can feel; it’s normal for us but isn’t the kind of existence you should accept for yourself.”
Again, this is a person’s mental processes drastically interfering with their ability to live and conduct their life. Social interaction and self-care are both essential parts of human existence that can be severely derailed by depression.
And that hits on the biggest problem I run into. How do you convince a person who’s been living a mentally ill life for the last 40 years that there is anything better waiting for them? How do you show them they aren’t just a fuck up, deserve peace of mind, and happiness?
I feel like it’s not going to be in generalized articles or trying to speak through a loved one from a thousand miles away. I think a knowledgeable third party needs to really analyze their history and present it back to them with an eye for the things that would fall into the scope of potential symptoms so they could be contrasted with “typical”.
It’s definitely difficult for a loved one or a friend to assume this mantle but it is often necessary. A spouse or a friend often has to get that person to realize they need to see a doctor at all. The good news is that they are often familiar with that person’s history. I would avoid suggesting that it is anything specific; but stick to the severe issues and encourage them to talk to a doctor about them. Chances are pretty good it will take awhile to sink in so don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen overnight. Remember- you’re trying to get through years and years of living unwell.
Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. The person will often latch on to a weak point and ride it for all it’s worth to avoid looking inward.
Please share any thoughts or comments with me you may have on this subject. I’m interested to know what got through to you or if you have any input on the problem.
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Thanks to Ashley for the idea for this post!
Being the friend or loved one of a person with mental illness is extremely difficult. Normals are used to dealing with typical emotions and thought processes from a well-minded perspective. I find that they assume that the mentally ill person in their life should follow similar thought processes. Confusion and hurt feelings is the general result as the mentally ill person’s mind acts in unfamiliar ways. So let’s talk about a few things that will help normal minded people interpret these thought processes more efficiently.
– Don’t jump to conclusions until you know all of the facts.
Facts are the most important tool in dealing with mood disorders (and several mental illnesses). If you don’t have a factual reason to reach a conclusion; then don’t jump to it. Let’s say a mentally unwell friend ceases communication one day. They aren’t responding to texts or phone calls and you don’t know what to think. What conclusion do you draw from that? Is the person in crisis? Or did they just accidentally drop their phone in the toilet? Don’t spend days wondering and letting that stress eat you up. Stop by their house or get in touch with a mutual friend to see what’s going on. Get to the facts of the situation. Your stress will go down a lot.
– Not every contrary action indicates a potential unwell period.
Unwell periods happen. It is important to remember that the mentally ill person in your life is still a person. They do still have regular thoughts, feelings, passions, and annoyances. If they get angry about something; it doesn’t necessarily mean they are getting unstable. Ladies- it would be the same thing as your getting upset about something and a guy asking you if you’re PMSy. You don’t have to be chemically imbalanced to angry or sad about something. What you actually want to look for is irrational thinking. If a person’s words or emotions aren’t fitting a rational narrative then one should consider their potential unwellness. “Fuck, I hate my coworker!” (Rational) vs “Fuck, I hate my coworker! I’m going to go wait for him until he gets off work!” (Irrational)
– Not every suicidal or self-destructive thought is cause for emergency.
I understand the point of the medical profession that every suicidal thought or self-destructive action should be treated with the utmost seriousness. But alerting authorities every time? If someone had done that to me every time I had a dark shift I would still be hospitalized. The fact of the matter is; we nutcases deal with self-destructive, suicidal, and self-harm thoughts on a pretty regular basis. If a person is voicing threats and is clearly unstable- by all means get authorities involved. But a person who is just expressing some dark thoughts- well that’s the kind of thing I would be inclined just to listen to. You can prevent a lot by just being present. I understand the need to ensure nothing negative happens; but that help isn’t free. Sinking someone 4,000 in debt from a half day hospital stay where they do absolutely nothing for you isn’t going to help the person at all. And yes, that shit happens regularly.
– We do not expect you to have all of the answers.
A mentally ill person that confides in you may not be looking for answers at all. In many cases, we know that you don’t have any answers. We are just trying to get some of this shit out of minds and try to let someone else in. Your response can either open the way further or close it back up tight. In the event that the person actually is looking for an answer that you don’t know, just say “I don’t know off the top of my head, but we can look for it if you want.” There’s a lot of quality information on the internet but you sometimes have to really dig for it. Or hell, if you’re reading this you pretty much know where to find me. Leave a comment, send me an email. If I know I’ll be glad to share it with you. But you will find, more often than not, the person is just trying to express some of what is going on in their mind.
– Counter hopelessness with knowledge and understanding.
There will eventually come a time when you are faced with your loved one being hopeless about their life and situation. Being mentally ill is not a death sentence or condemnation to a shitty life. Yes, our challenges are complicated. Yes, it’s not fucking pleasant at all quite a lot of the time. Many of us can live productive lives with self-management, medication, and hard work. A person dealing with a massive downswing in their mentality is stuck in the right now. The way to move them past that is to get their focus shifted towards their future. Remind them- “You can be well. You may not have a typical life, but it can be good. We just have to keep working towards it together.”
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No one wants to make their loved one more unwell or feel worse about their situation than they already do. Quite a few people that deal with mental illness know it does have an affect on them and the people around them. Granted, there are some people that have either not made that realization or they are just selfish assholes. Be that as it may; there is no reason for anyone to roll over and simply be walked all over. It is in everyone’s best interests to approach discrepancies with healthy skepticism.
The problem with mood disorders is that they so drastically warp the perceptions of the person experiencing it that they may legitimately not have any idea why they are doing what they are. For example, there was a period of time when I was a teenager when I thought God was talking directly to me on a daily basis. That’s how far into the extremes of Bipolar Disorder and disconnected from reality I was. When you’re that unwell, everything can seem like a good idea- especially if God is suggesting it to you.
When I rebalanced, I had no idea what the fuck I was thinking during that period of time. I wanted to put it behind me because I couldn’t make sense of it. I also made some very strange decisions during that period of time which is not unique to just me. Everyone with a mood disorder is going to make bad or strange decisions based on their interpretation of reality unless they know how to identify and manage their unwellness.
Mental illness is often very quiet and stews in the mind of the individual. To identify and root out unwell thinking, we have to be proactive in identifying the potential indicators. A very significant and powerful indicator is just that a particular claim does not add up. Does that mean the person is manipulative? Not necessarily. It could simply be a case of the person making a decision while their brain is unwell and their perspective is skewed out of proportion.
Thus, we want to get to the bedrock of the situation. The facts, the absolute truth where emotion plays no role. I feel this is essential in separating unwell thinking from normal thinking or just plain shitty behavior on the part of the unwell person. A mood disorder will take that small seed of truth and blow it up into a full grown tree. But if the seed is a pine cone and you’re looking at an oak; something is amiss. That something is quite likely the warped perception of an unwell thought process.
If things don’t add up- ask questions. If you find yourself saying “that’s bullshit”- look for the truth. You won’t be able to come to a concise conclusion every time but it’s still worth doing for the sake of everyone concerned. The person with the mood disorder may be in an unwell cycle and not realize it. They could potentially be doing damage to your lives thinking they are on the right path. The sooner you sniff out this erroneous thinking the faster you can minimize the damage.
On the other hand, there are plenty of people with a boyfriend/girlfriend they aren’t sure how to handle. It’s great to want to be there for someone you care about but the unfortunate truth is that there are still plenty of shitty people in the world; mentally ill or not. You want to be skeptical to ensure you are protecting yourself and your interests in the event that the person is not who they claim to be. They may also be the type of person who uses their mental illness and problems as an excuse to treat other people like crap. That is not something that anyone should put up with.
Skepticism is healthy for any relationship. Yes, trust is so important to the long-term health of the relationship. But it should never be blind. Facts and truth don’t care about how you feel about them or what you believe- they simply are. There is no more important tool in the management of a mood disorder.
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All across the internet you will find articles and advice on dealing with the damaged in a loving and kind manner. That is well and good in many cases. However, there are many people that have no interest in understanding themselves, their mental illness, or how it affects those around them. These people think that because they have problems that everyone else should cater to their issues and treat them with kid gloves. The person may also feel that they don’t need to change. Whatever the reason- understand that these people can and will pull you under the surface with them if you let them. They may not mean to, but they can.
So how do we deal with these types of people? In my opinion, the answer is quite simple. You establish rules, boundaries, and then enforce them like you would a child. The reason is the way mood disorders work. I often speak of my brain in an adversarial nature. “I didn’t want to do this but my brain decided it was a good idea.” That’s because my unwell brain is nothing like my well brain. My unwell brain may scream at me to take a swing at someone who won’t shut up; but I would never do that if I was in a well state of mind.
Rules and boundaries act as solid anchors to reality. The person CANNOT go this route without repercussions. It’s been clearly stated, they know what will happen otherwise, and these types of anchors can actually pierce through the turmoil by forcing an unwell person to stop and think about their actions. The more the person is forced to think about their actions; the better chance they have to realize what they are doing is a result of their illness.
The most common response I get to this line of thinking is “I can’t be harsh to my friend/loved one”. I would counter that by pointing out the person running wild in their instability is not your friend or loved one. It is a warped version of that person who is sick. Your loved one is in there somewhere; but for whatever reason they are presently losing their battle (not the war) with their mental illness. If anything, it should be viewed as taking drastic steps to try and find that person and haul them back to the surface.
I’m going to give some examples of what I’m talking about. It would be impossible for me to include a comprehensive listing; but if you have a specific situation you would like some input on, email me. Contact info will be at the bottom of the post.
*I have a friend who calls me incessantly to the point that it fills my voice mail and even cost my a job interview.
ex. “All friendships and relationships have boundaries and you are overstepping ours. Your actions cost me at least one interview and who knows what else because people couldn’t leave me a message. Do not call me more than once a day. If you do, I will call the phone company and have your number blocked.”
*I have an adult relative who lives with me. He does nothing but idle, won’t take his medication, won’t go to the doctors, and won’t get a job.
ex. “I am willing to help you if you are willing to help yourself. This isn’t a hotel and you’ll never get well unless you actually do something about it. So you can start making an effort to take your meds, visit your doctor, and (if capable) get at least a part-time job; or you’re going to have to find another place to live.”
*I have a loved one who is verbally and/or physically abusive while they are unwell.
ex. “Mental illness is no excuse for being abusive and will not be tolerated. If you persist on being verbally abusive, I will remove myself from the situation. If you persist, I will remove you from my life and get a restraining order if I have to. If I feel like I’m in danger, you hurt me, or you threat to kill yourself or me; I will notify authorities.”
As you can see, each one is very clear and concise in approach. It puts the choice in the hands of the mentally ill person. That way when they come around to blame you (and they will), you can point back at it and say “I gave you a choice and you made it. This was your decision.” The goal is to try and break through the mental illness to the rational part of their brain. A mood disorder unwell thought process is very similar to a tsunami. The further it is allowed to go, the bigger and harder to stop it becomes. There has to be something solid in the way to break up that wave (or thought process). By introducing such harsh measures with clear repercussions, we are hopefully putting sturdy walls in the path of the wave.
Reintegrating such a person into your life should be handled the same way. “I’ll let you move back in, but you must maintain your medication and go to your doctor. If you do not- then you’ll have to find another place to live. Entirely your choice.”
To all the friends, parents, supporters, and loved ones of those with mental illnesses like Depression and Bipolar Disorder- I know that many of you want to understand and help your loved one. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can truly help your loved is them. They are the one that needs to go to the doctor, take their meds, monitor their moods, and most importantly- realize there is a problem in the first place. The greatest way to help these people is to force them to realize that their way of conducting life, their way of thinking is damaging. The sooner, the better- which is why I advocate strong measures even early in the process. It could be the difference between lost months and lost decades.
Yes, it’s probably going to be difficult for you to establish limits and stick to them. Even if they storm away and you end up separating from that person for awhile; you are actually still helping them. At some point their brain is going to hit rational thought processes again and think about those circumstances. It may very well contribute to their moment of clarity even if you haven’t heard from them in months.
Unfortunately, there are people that can’t or won’t help themselves either. These people will draw you to the bottom like an anchor. They will drain you of all of your emotional energy and bring the chaos of their lives into yours. It’s one thing to be there for someone who is trying to get themselves together; it’s another to be constantly victimized or treated badly by someone who is just fine with it. Look at the entire picture of the situation. Is this person trying to help themselves? If the answer is no- put distance between you if the person is damaging.
Many people with mood disorders and mental illnesses can reach a point of management and live a mostly normal life. Unfortunately, getting the person to realize that and fight for it is often an extremely difficult road. It can take years of suffering and loss before that person realizes they have to be the one to take control.
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Today I had a meeting with a Vocational Rehab Counselor to help determine if I’m eligible for help for the career path I want to pursue- that of the Certified Peer Specialist. The Counselor that did my interview has been working in Social Services for 45 years and had never heard of this position before today. He scheduled me for a psych and vocational assessment which I will have in about a week. They will help determine if I am suitable to perform that type of work.
For those that don’t know- a Certified Peer Specialist is a recovered alcholic, addict, or person with mental illness who has recovered and helps other people on their recovery path. Instead of going to college, our higher education is the catastrophic shitstorm that is often our lives. You only end up doing about 60 hours of work training for certification.
The entire time he’s going through his spheel about how I might not be suitable and how it might not work out; I’m sitting there thinking- ‘I’ve essentially already been doing this shit since I put up my web page. I answer questions, give thought out responses, try to urge people to have goals in mind for their wellness, and just try to be there for the people I cross paths with. I’ve dealt with some really difficult people in person on several occasions. I know I’m suited to this kind of work.’
And then he made the simple statement of, “And if you’re not suitable, we can probably help you find something else.”
What he does not understand is that there is no “something else” for me. I’ve had at least 25 fucking jobs in my adult life. I know the difference between a shit job and a pursuit of passion.
I sincerely hope that each person reading this post finds at least one thing in their life that they are so utterly passionate about that everything simply makes sense. I will get training and I will find a paying job in this field even if it means I have to forgo assistance from the government.
I spent a fucking lifetime trying to figure out why I had this brain, why I was so smart but never able to get anything really accomplished. Why did I survive the things I did to try and unmake myself? What good was the emotional isolation and social dysfunction? Does any of it matter? Yes. Yes it fucking does when you’re trying to hammer through the walls we nutjobs build to keep normals out. It all matters as individual blocks in a sturdy foundation of understanding and knowledge for something served up to you on a silver platter later in life.
The Counselor asked if I had considered other paths. I said “no”, because to me there are no other paths. I know exactly what I want to do and have a reasonable idea of how to accomplish it. I don’t give a fuck if I have to sit in a McDonald’s or Flying J parking lot to piggyback their free wi-fi to do marketing work on my laptop to make ends meet while I work on it. I will find a way to accomplish this goal. There has never been anything so clear to me in my life.
But I’ll go through their hoops and see what comes of it. I’m sure the psych will say the same thing he said before and what the other professionals I’ve dealt with said. “He’s very intelligent and self-aware. He seems to lack some social skills and maintains a disheveled appearance. He possesses strong analytical skills and expresses himself eloquently.” And believe me, it’s not aggrandizing. I do my best to keep my head out of my ass. Still kind of flattering to have your lawyer tell you the judge was impressed with your intelligence after your hearing though.
I feel like it would be a sin to not use this body of knowledge that life has given me.
Anyway. Just thought I would share a bit with you guys about this personal journey. Not a ton happens in my day to day on the mental illness front personally. Nowadays more of my energy goes to others that need it. And I’m not going to go around blabbing about other peoples’ business without their express permission.
I’ll probably write about the eval and meeting with the psych when that goes down next week. Just have to see how things go.
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When I was younger, angry, and far more depressed; I used to scoff at the notion of the impact of the language I used internally. It seemed entirely stupid that negative talk in my head would have any kind of impact on my thinking in general. I have no idea why I thought this. I’ve been writing for fun and myself for about 20+ years. I know the power of words and language. Yet somehow, I came to the conclusion that this didn’t apply to me. I largely lump it into the huge pile of stupid shit I’ve thought and/or done for no reason other than “it made sense/seemed like a good idea at the time”.
Today is quite different. After spending most of my life confused and unsure of myself; I finally came to terms with who I am after my diagnosis. I will still talk negatively and make fun of myself as a means to break through the walls of others. I can’t verbally tell jokes or longer stories worth a shit; but most people will find it funny that I got my ass kicked by a 10 year old little girl once. And on two of my passive suicide attempts, I got so fucked up on pills that I passed out outside. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if not for the fact that I used to live directly across the street from a crack den- and I’m assuming it was some crackhead that stole the clothes I was wearing on both occasions.
Dark? Morbid? Strange? Yeah. Welcome to my life; and the lives of many other Bipolar people. But it’s alright. Today, it’s something for me to look back on and laugh at. I feel like not taking myself that seriously is perfect for opening doors into my warped life without coming off as being preachy or getting into a pissing contest over who had the most fucked up life.
There is some language I will never use in regards to myself or being Bipolar. Primarily the word “victim”. I’m not a victim of Bipolar Disorder and mental illness because I have a choice. I can choose to let the Disorder destroy me or I can choose to fight it, tooth and nail, every step of the way. I choose not to associate myself with this word because I feel it denigrates people that actually have been victimized. I am friends with people with far more serious mental illnesses than I who had them inflicted on them by people that should have loved and cared for them. These people were victimized and need an extraordinary amount of patience and kindness to be mostly functional.
But me? My shit is relatively minor in comparison. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist or that I haven’t had some of my own difficult times. I’m not going to allow myself to fall apart and wallow in self-pity for an extended period of time. I’m far too stubborn to ever let that happen again. Not knowing all the things that I know now.
Granted, this won’t be applicable to everyone, but you should evaluate your relationship with your mental illness or the person you have in your life who has one. How do you approach it? Is it a death sentence of everything you hold dear? Or is it a challenge to be overcome? Do you realize that many mentally ill people are able to overcome and manage their illness(es)? I’ve met many people that don’t think so.
The choice is yours to be a survivor or a victim of mental illness. Yeah, life is probably going to suck from time to time. Most likely you’ll still end up doing insane things that cost you a lot. But you can change how you look at the circumstances. Sweep up the pieces, accept that there are casualties in the war for sanity, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you reach your destination.
Self-talk has a much greater impact on your perception of yourself than you realize. You’ve been through a lot. Cut yourself some slack on your perceived “failures” and keep striving for success. You’ll get there eventually.
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Calling it now- this will probably be one of my least popular posts.
A recent conversation in my comments section is the inspiration behind this post. Thank you Jenny for jarring this particular thought process for me.
Stigma is a major concern for a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder. There’s been many pushes for enlightenment and education to help combat the negativity associated with the Disorder and other mental illnesses. I’m not saying that these pushes aren’t useful. However, the idea that they are undertaken with the goal to eliminate stigma is insane. That’s completely unrealistic and will never happen. Look at any other body of ignorance for confirmation. Anti-Semitism is alive and well even after thousands of years.
Religion is far easier for the average person to understand than mental illness. I don’t believe you can really “understand” mental illness unless you live with it. Book learning and being the victim of a mentally ill person’s insanity give an entirely different body of knowledge than living with it as a 24-7 component of your being. How does anyone reasonably expect to impart that kind of understanding? I don’t think it can be done.
I know I have readers in other countries; so please bear with me through the following. The question that was posed to me after I stated everyone is entitled to an opinion was “when does open expression become discrimination?” The First Amendment of our Bill of Rights covers Freedom of Speech- which is being drastically whittled away at on a nearly constant basis. I’m of the belief that everyone should be entitled to express their opinion no matter how shitty or stupid.
The problem is- who gets to decide what is acceptable speech? Court cases are used as precedence to prove points in future cases. What’s going to happen in 20 years if we legislate appropriate speech? Anyone with whatever questionable motives would be able to point at that case as proof of their point. Granted, it is a worst case scenario; but it’s one that should NEVER be permitted a starting point.
So “when does open expression become discrimination”? It doesn’t. Let people think whatever stupid bullshit they want and work to prevent establishment in policies that prevent you from enjoying the rights and opportunities you would be entitled to without mental illness. (Within reason- I think that we can agree that not having Bipolar police or people with access to military firepower is a good idea.)
I realize that public perception can have greater impacts. I have also seen a number of occasions where people get upset over someone having an ignorant or contrary opinion. My question is- who cares? The world doesn’t give a shit about my or your feelings. It’s on each of us to manage our own feelings like adults instead of holding our collective breath and making everyone act in a way that’s right to us.
This point was especially clear when a recent news anchor made some flippant, offensive comment about Wiccans. Social media briefly blew up to demand an apology. The anchor made a half-assed, utterly unheartfelt apology in response. And then social media blew up again because he “didn’t mean it”. Well, no shit he didn’t mean it. When was the last time you were actually sorry when you were forced to apologize for anything? Pissed off Wiccans were essentially forcing this guy to lie to them to placate their feelings. Which, to me, completely devalues an apology at all. And people wonder why our society is so fake and shallow.
They’re just fucking words. They don’t mean anything on their own. Two examples come to immediate mind. How many women that you know of would be infuriated if I said cunt casually? Because I don’t care about that woman’s feelings and use cunt- does that make me a misogynist? What if I told you that I’ve never used the word in anger at a woman? Or that I am on at least speaking/friendly terms with all of my exes because I always tried to treat them with respect even when I was coming apart?
What about the word nigger? Would you think I was racist? Even though I have a deep respect for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and identify much of what he said to the same plight of the mentally ill? Even though Tupac Shakur is not only my favorite artist of all the music I listen to; but is also the primary inspiration of why I conduct myself in such a blunt and open manner?
But both words can create severe emotional reactions in the people that hear them. But who’s the one with the problem here? Are you going to let your entire emotional and mental state be dictated by one asshole with a dumbass opinion? That’s a hell of a lot of power to give to someone you may not or barely know.
If you want to combat stigma- look within. Arm yourself with truth and don’t let the people that would talk down to you lump you into that category. You are you. You’re not your Disorder, race, sex, or religion. So, some examples of how I’ve handled these things when they came up.
A person lists off a huge list of wrongs done to them by someone who was Bipolar- “I am sorry that you went through such a difficult time. I’m not that person though, I do everything I can to manage it. If I ever act like that to you, you have my express permission to punch me straight in the face.”
A person spouts off about how mentally ill people should keep it to themselves- “Yeah we generally do. NAMI estimates that nearly 1 in 5 Americans meets the criteria for mental illness in that they have an illness of the mind that prevents gainful activity in the areas required for living and maintaining relationships. We’re an invisible minority and society doesn’t see us until some psychopath shoots up a school. We’re all around you buddy. Always have been.”
Now there is an actual important side to the stigma battle. That is ensuring that asshats aren’t able to legislate discriminatory practices into binding law and companies aren’t able to use our illness against us. (Again, within reason- see Bipolar cop statement above) I personally feel that the most effective way to accomplish this is for as many of us nutjobs as possible to get behind and be supportive of the people in positions of power who identify with or understand our plight.
You will never see an openly Bipolar politician because the other side will use that as a focus of a smear campaign to destroy their credibility. However, there are plenty of (mostly) sane individuals who may have had loved ones or witnessed what mental illness does who are sympathetic. Those people are the key to protecting our rights and interests.
There’s a number of ways to be involved. Voting is the most obvious one. I would also suggest joining and supporting a consumer-ran non-profit organization. In English, they are non-profits that are primarily headed and managed by people with mental illness who have recovered. You may not have the mental fortitude or stability to go toe-to-toe with the world; but if you’re able to provide support and funding to the people that do you’re helping your own position and that of your children. These kind of NPOs are all over. Do some digging on Google.
America is a depressing place in that our society values feelings more than facts. I do not. Facts are facts. They don’t care how you feel. Trying to change the opinion of everyone else in the world is futile and a waste of energy. What you can change is the way you feel about the opinions of others. At the end of the day, they’re just words.
Or as we were taught as kids- “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
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For most of my adult life- I’ve been unable to hold a job long-term. The only job I actually had for years I should have been fired from several times over because I was undiagnosed and unaware of my rights as a person with a Disability. A friend tipped me off to freelance writing through the internet- a discipline called “web copy writing”. Web copy is essentially the text you find around on the internet.
This suited me well because I have been writing for fun and myself for about 20 years. It was even better because the work was so modular. I could take on a few projects or work 14 hours if I was escalated and then take a week off if I needed to without any real repercussions. I did this for about a year before I wrote and posted my Bipolar Manifesto; and am still doing it now until I move into mental health fully. Most of my work is done for marketers, small, and medium business owners.
Because most of my work is done for marketers- I spent a lot of time researching marketing and propaganda techniques because these things are at the center of what I do for these people. Many will hear the term “propaganda” and automatically associate it with negativity. It isn’t always negative though it is all over the place. Brilliant marketers and propagandists have long driven various aspects of societal values.
Examples? The idea of women shaving their legs as a grooming and beauty standard was created by marketers to sell razors. Diamonds for engagement/wedding rings was a standard created by diamond companies to sell more diamonds. Another good example is the perception of the American Tea Party as a bunch of nutjobs because the mainstream media paraded a few in front of the public, like Bachmann and Palin, throughout an election cycle.
Why? Despite cries of “liberal bias” in the media; there are several staunch conservatives throughout the big media networks. People like Murdoch with several ties to politicians on the Right. Vilifying the Tea Party as a bunch of half-literate psychopaths was a move to protect the Republican voter base. If you have two major parties on the right splitting the voters among different candidates, then you can no longer compete with the Left because the split could be 40/30/30 between Democrats/Tea Party/Republicans. Why do you think there is only one candidate per party in Presidential elections?
Also- save your hate mail/posts. I’m not Democrat either. Both sides are completely full of and do the exact same shit.
Marketing is all around you, all the time. It shapes perceptions, thoughts, and opinions without most people ever realizing it. Unfortunately, psychiatric medication is one of those areas where this is prevalent. Unlike many other relatively harmless areas- misinformation about psychiatric medication can cost the person years of lost time or death.
So I want to take this time to educate you so you can separate the bullshit from reality.
*Eliminate the obvious. Words like “miracle”, “revolutionary”, “unrivaled”, “unprecedented”, and “what they don’t want you to know” are buzzwords. They are solely marketing tools meant to grab your attention. Unfortunately, many legitimate products have to use these phrases to be competitive as well. Just be aware that they don’t actually say anything about the product in question.
*The idea of “Big Pharma” is perpetuated by people that don’t even understand how the industry works in a number of cases I’ve seen. Most drugs are patented in the development phase when the company is dumping a shitload of money into their research formula before it ever hits a test group. A US patent lasts for 20 years. Many drugs will have as long as a ten year development and testing cycle. The remaining time is used to recoup the cost of development and turn a profit. That’s why new meds typically cost a lot of money. Some pharm companies have taken to what is called “evergreening” where they slightly alter the formula and apply for a new patent. It’s a practice that is definitely in the gray area but given how much these companies have to dump into development it’s not all that surprising. In many cases, companies will start producing generics after the patent period has elapsed. So the idea that these companies are ogrish monstrosities trying to hook you on drugs for the rest of your life or just not try to cure disease doesn’t really make sense with the way they actually earn a profit.
*Doctors doing endorsements are generally not what they seem. I was recently offered a work order where a “Doctor” had realized this magnificent system for healing psychological and emotional wounds. It sounded like bullshit from the get-go so I decided to research this guy more. It turns out that the illustrious Doctor who had began to achieve “life-changing enlightenment at the tender age of 18” was a chiropractor- information that was not available on his website. I really had to dig to find out what he was actually a doctor of. This is common practice in advertising and it’s very useful because people automatically associate “Doctor” with “trustworthy”. So you could very well have a proctologist telling you about the evils of Big Pharma and it’s not illegal because he’s never claiming to be a psychiatrist. You see Doctor, you see this Doctor talking about psychiatry, and your brain automatically associates the two. The marketer is letting the viewer’s mind do all of the work so they think that it is their idea and thought process; but it’s not.
My approach to mental stability focuses primarily on “do what works”. Every person’s brain chemistry is as unique to them as their fingerprints. If herbal supplements, diet, and exercise work for maintaining your moods- great! Do it! My own personal preference is medication to replace the chemicals that are missing because I know from dealing with a major depression component for years that I wouldn’t be able to maintain natural means. Plus it just makes sense to me to lean towards science. There is this huge drive for “natural living” while those people ignore the fact that medical science is why lifespans are gradually increasing and mortality rates have decreased.
Skepticism is your friend. Anyone suggesting an absolute is most likely full of shit or ignorant to the facts. Neither of which will actually help you or a loved one get well. Yeah, there are shitty big companies. But there are also con artists and snake oil salesmen who operate on a much smaller scale. Anything that sounds too good to be true is- and this is even more pertinent on the internet.
You or your loved one can be well. There are tons of different things to try. The important thing is to try though. No one succeeds without trying- and you only fail if you stop picking yourself back up after a set-back. Don’t eliminate potential routes for wellness unless you have good reason to. The words of marketers are not a good reason.
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Perceiving the world through the eyes of a Bipolar person is a difficult thing to do for those with typical minds. This is especially problematic for the people who love or are friends with a Bipolar person. The question I hear most often from these folks is, “How can my loved one do such horrible things to me when they claim to love or care about me?”
Let’s explore that conundrum. Bear in mind I’m using the following example in an extreme to hopefully drive the point home. Many of us Bipolars usually float around in middle ranges unless we’re severely unwell.
Sarah and Jack are a married couple. Sarah is Bipolar. The two share a healthy, loving, attentive relationship while she is well. She loves Jack with all of her heart. A Bipolar unwell period warps the perception of Sarah. Her mind starts feeding her misinformation about the world and her life around her.
Her mind starts picking apart everything Jack does. Did he spend too long smiling at a waitress? He wants to sleep with her. Did he answer a wrong number late at night? It was the woman from work that he’s sleeping with. Late coming home from work? I knew he was sleeping with her!
The longer Sarah is unwell, the more her mind will play with these thoughts and feelings; spinning them out of proportion. Then her mind may start dredging up all of the other things from her life with Jack that didn’t go as planned. Didn’t get to finish college? Jack’s fault. Miscarriage? Jack’s fault. Work a job that she hates? Jack’s fault.
Most likely this will culminate and explode. Sarah will get into a huge fight with Jack or find some other way to lash out at him for all these wrongs that her unwell mind convinced her that he is responsible for. Now comes the verbal barbs and possibly worse. “I hate you. You’re horrible. You’re worthless. I wish I had never met you.” and liberally lace it with profanity.
This is the point that many people get wrong. They ask, “If my loved one knew they hurt me, why wouldn’t they apologize?” Because they haven’t rebalanced yet or they don’t know what to say.
When was the last time you apologized to someone you hated? At this point in time, Sarah hates Jack because her brain has fed her lies and twisted her perception about the way their life has been. She doesn’t love him right now and may take it out on him in a number of ways- a revenge affair for his “infidelity”, physical and verbal abuse, or whatever her mind may cook up.
An unwell mind will normalize eventually. She will return to her baseline and be just as in love with Jack as she always was, except now- she has this laundry list of whatever horrible things she’s said and done to him while she was severely unwell. And at this point, most of us Bipolars will be watching the ashes of yet another important thing in our lives slip through our fingers. A number of us will go silent on the matter if we don’t understand our illness very well because what can you really say? What could possibly make up for those horrible actions? “I’m sorry” is often a pale shadow compared to the wound.
That does not mean that this is how things have to go- it’s just the way they normally go because people don’t educate themselves enough on the Disorder and how to manage it.
If you are Bipolar- you need to learn to identify the indicators that you’re getting unwell. Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness; as an illness there are symptoms that signify when you are getting sick. When you are getting sick, you can then begin to pay more attention to your own thought processes to rationalize your way through them. Almost all of the above examples could have been derailed if Sarah had realized she was getting unbalanced and stopped to really examine what she was thinking. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you won’t always get it right. But you can prevent a whole lot of damage by being critical of your own thoughts if you identify that you may be getting unwell.
If you can, look into Cognitive Therapy. A therapist can help you learn and refine these skills. You will have to work hard to learn how to manage and defuse these thoughts but it is a skill-set that you’ll use the rest of your life. You either own Bipolar Disorder or it owns you- there is no in-between.
If you are a friend/loved one- you need to know you and your limits very well. The Bipolar person in your life will probably push them and walk all over them. Being called obscenities by someone that is normally loving can be a shock; but ultimately they are just a couple of words. Keep an eye out for drastic changes in behavior. A big change in sleep patterns is a very common indicator. Any major change in moods or personal habits could be indicative of an unwell swing.
And that leads me to communication and trust. The Bipolar person needs to be able to accept that they are Bipolar, they will have drastic mood swings, and they need to be able to communicate with their loved one if they are getting sick. The well person in the relationship needs to feel comfortable with bringing up that they think the other may be getting unwell. You can learn to read and identify your partner’s symptoms. Communication can prevent a lot of needless hurt stemming from unwell thought processes because the well partner can introduce facts and reality that the unwell partner desperately needs.
Loving someone with a mood disorder isn’t always pleasant. Never take on more than you are able to. Each person has their own lines and limits that they know can’t be crossed. It’s not unreasonable to expect the Bipolar in your life to work to minimize the damage the Disorder does. Just be aware that they will probably fail horribly at it from time to time. We all do. But- the Disorder can be managed and you can have a fairly normal relationship/friendship with the person. Every relationship has challenges, ours are just a bit different than typical.
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