Category: Self-Help

Categories
Depression General Self-Help

Musing on Death and Mood Disorders

November has typically been a triggering month for me in the past. My birthday, my son’s birthday, and a couple of other important birthdays. This year was different though. At 6 AM November 17th, on my birthday, my grandmother Shirley passed away- likely to do with the treatment related to her kidney failure- but we’re not entirely sure. I would say I was as close to my grandmother as I could possibly be to a relative. I spent half my life living directly across the street from her. So she was not someone I just saw off and on.

Now, I’ve known for a real long time that my emotional processes are WAY different than most. When I’ve tried to explain this to others, I would often hear “well, wait until you lose someone close to you”. Well, now that I have…I can safely say that I was right and it didn’t make much difference. Yes, I felt bad for the loss of my Grandma Shirley. I felt worse because I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I should have. I fucking hate that.

As in many situations, I often use humor to get through dark, difficult, or tragic things. I know there were a few times during calling hours and around the funeral services I made people who were crying laugh. I know there was one point I could not stop snickering because I had been watching the Walking Dead and “you have to destroy the brain to keep them from coming back!” kept popping in my head. Or that older episode of South Park when the boys put a stick up the butt of Kyle’s grandmother’s corpse to use her as a puppet to scare some kids that were picking on them at Halloween. Or even going the intellectual route- burying her with a brick in her mouth which was a medieval practice to prevent vampires from rising. It would confuse the hell out of archaeologists in a couple hundred years. “They still believed in vampires in the 21st century?!” Also hilarious- to me anyway.

But I did what I learned to do a long time ago and KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT…mostly.

And that’s where the mental illness and differences really start to come into play. On the one hand, I’m Bipolar with a severe depression component. I’d say 80% of my cycles are of depression including my baseline mood. I’m sure it’s the reason that I haven’t cried due to emotional pain in several years. I really have no idea how long it’s been but I know it’s been a fucking long time. And then there is the autistic side of my brain. I often tell people I’m logical to a fault but they usually think I’m being coy.

So while we were at calling hours and the services; I heard on more than a few occasions how unexpected her passing was. I get that she was doing and getting better up until the day she died; but she was an 88 year old woman battling kidney failure. I don’t think it should have been that surprising to anyone. But my brain is a defective piece of shit so I knew that thought process was mostly my own and probably the result of the “logical to a fault” processes that rattle around in there.

And then calling hours and funerals are strange in general. “Do you want to say goodbye to your grandma?” “Do you want to see your grandma?” Yeah, I stepped forward; mostly for the benefit of my mother.

But really- that just wasn’t my grandmother. My grandmother was a lively, energetic woman who loved mowing her grass with her tractor, laughing, and periodically calling me shithead if I was picking on her too much. This was the same woman I had a 20 year argument with about her not giving me money to come over to her house and help her with things. As I finally revealed to my mother, I eventually figured out it was just easier to take the money and put it back in her purse when she wasn’t looking! Saved quite a bit of arguing. And wouldn’t you know my grandmother had given my mother birthday money for me just before she passed? I took it as excellent timing on her part- a final, stubborn “HA! I WIN!” from my grandmother.

That figure in that casket was not my grandmother. It was just a corpse; a shell, a vessel for the spirited, wonderful woman who often managed to frustrate and love me equally at times. And that is exactly why I will be cremated and dumped out somewhere. Or- I think it would also be funny to piece my body out into like five sections and have them buried in completely different states just to screw with future generations trying to do genealogical research. That is also acceptable.

Anyway, this vessel is nothing without my active intellect, my heart, and my soul. If those things are gone then it ceases to be me. That goes if I’m in a vegetative state too. If I can’t think, then I might as well be dead. To borrow a joke from Chris Titus, “And don’t pull the plug and let me die slow and horrible. You duct tape my ass to a motorcycle and jump me over Snake River Canyon to break Evel Knievel’s record. Film it and release DVDs to help support my family. I want to be brain-dead over Snake River Canyon!”

And of course, funerals are mostly for the living rather than the dead. “I’m sure Shirley will be with you.” “I’m sure she’s watching over you.”

Man I hope not. I really don’t want my grandmother to know what kind of porn I watch or how often I just hang out pantsless. That’s not cool. How fucking boring would that be? You die, there turns out to be an afterlife, and you get stuck here? Look; I love my family and have plenty of people in my life I care about…but if there is an afterlife my fat ass isn’t hanging around here. I want to see shit, learn shit, delve into whatever I can possibly explore. And possibly vacation here to haunt my brother because fuck that guy!

I’m not religious for numerous reasons that I’m not going to tirade about here; but I hope my grandmother was able to move on to the Heaven she desired. I know she missed my grandfather who passed awhile back and had many friends she would probably want to see again. I’m sure she would want to watch over her daughter- my mother.

It’s strange how many things wind up being a double-edged sword. The fact that I am so muted to emotional circumstances most of the time makes it really easy for me to deal with emotional people whether they are enraged or deeply sad. But on the other hand, you have situations like my grandmother’s death where I wasn’t able to shed tears for someone I was close to.

Ah well. I hope my grandmother found what she was looking for out of her afterlife; if any. She was a great woman and I was lucky to have her in my life as I did. Maybe I’ll see her again, maybe I won’t. Time will tell.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Self-Help

An Open Letter On Mood Disorder Warfare

Periodically I will write an open letter that is constructed to be shared with a relevant party. I do this for the loved ones of Bipolars and Depressives that don’t know what to say to the person struggling in their life. Here is one such piece.

Salutations. My name is Dennis, I’m 33, and I am a Type 2 Bipolar with Major Depression and High-Functioning Autism. I spent 15 years undiagnosed, have been in recovery for about 5, 7 suicide attempts, been through alcohol and drug abuse, lived in poverty, and have been kicked around by the system we all know and love. I spent a majority of my life feeling completely shitty about myself and life. And I’m sure you are undoubtedly asking yourself- “Why am I reading this asshole’s life story?” Well, someone that cares about you read this and felt it was relevant; so allow me to get to the point.

What do you call something that consistently destroys your life? That causes you to tear apart the things you care about? That destroys your livelihood and peace of mind? That jeopardizes your future and ability to conduct your life? Yes, I am talking about Bipolar Disorder and Depression but there is something else- an enemy. An enemy is someone that works to overcome and destroy you. An enemy is someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put you out if you were on fire. An enemy strives to deprive you of peace of mind, progress, and property. Some enemies can be rationalized with; irrational enemies must be fought.

Are you fighting the enemy in your mind or are you letting yourself be victimized by it? Are you fighting tooth and nail to stomp down your enemy and grind your boot in its throat? Or are you cowering in the corner hoping things will change on their own? They won’t. They will only get worse if you don’t fight for it to be better. And no- it’s probably not going to be pleasant. But when is fighting for something worthwhile ever pleasant?

And you can sit there and say- “This fucking asshole doesn’t know me or my life.” No, I don’t. I do, however, know Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I know that if you don’t stand, fight, and work against them that they will destroy you. This is one of the few facts that is applicable to any one of us. And I don’t want to hear any “Easier said than done” bullshit either. Everything is easier said than done! How about “It’s easier to do jack shit and fail than try and succeed”?

You deserve to be stable. You deserve to be happy. You deserve consistency and the ability to pursue what you want out of life. Yeah, you may have done terrible shit to people in the past because of what goes on in your head- we all have. But does that mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life? No! Everyone fucks up and has a different flavor of problems. Ours fucking suck and cause a lot of collateral damage but it’s not like we had a choice to be saddled with this bullshit.

But you do have a choice in how you view it. You have the choice to treat it like the enemy it is and fight it; or cower in a corner and hope it will go away. But it won’t just go away. That’s not the nature of the enemy. Stand up and fight. You’re not alone in it. There are other people fighting the same battles or hopefully some people in your life that still want to help you. But even if there isn’t and you’ve alienated everyone? That’s today and the past. Tomorrow will be better because you’re going to pick yourself up out of the corner and fight. But to win any fight, you need a strategy. These following points will provide you a rough outline of what you need to do.

1. Educate yourself on the enemy. Learn everything you can about the enemy and keep track of the things that resonate with you. Mental illness is a personal experience so advice and information you read may not be as relevant to you as another. Figure out what is, collect information.

2. Get help from mental health professionals. If they won’t listen to you, ignore you, or won’t answer your questions; find another one! Don’t punish yourself because some doctors are shitty at their jobs! You don’t hurt them any.

3. If you’re broke and need to go on meds; ask the doctor to try generics first. Several big box retailers offer $4 per month prescriptions on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and some antianxieties.

4. If a med isn’t working; talk to your doctor and tell them what’s going on. Be specific! Are you still manic? Are you still depressed? Having anxiety problems? Again, BE SPECIFIC. Do you know how you’ll know what’s wrong? Point 1 and what you’ve learned about the illness and how it affects YOU personally. Knowledge will give you power and leverage over your enemy.

Chances are decent that you’re reading this because someone feels that you act as though you’ve been defeated or let the enemy victimize you. But you’re not defeated or a victim if you do not let yourself be. It’s a war for control of your own mind. You’ll lose some battles. You’ll win some battles. If you keep pressing you will eventually win the war and be able to put your enemy in check. But you have to make the choice, stand up, say enough of this bullshit; and engage the enemy with the same ferocity it uses to attack you. If you don’t think you can do it- well, just look at what you’ve already survived up until this point. Don’t let yourself be a victim.

If you have questions- I’m only an email away.

Dennis

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Self-Help

Bipolar Disorder: A Reason Or An Excuse?

We, the nutcases, often struggle to come to terms with the person we are while unwell versus the person that is masked by the mental illness. As we struggle for understanding in ourselves it is very difficult to project the internal struggle to those around us. It’s hard to see that a lot of times we don’t even understand what drove our thought processes. All we can do is sweep up the ashes and hope we don’t lose too much in the process.

That brings me to the topic. A reason? Or an excuse? In my experience- quite a few normals I’ve dealt with see mental illness as an excuse. They have been treated like garbage by someone who was severely unwell or just didn’t give a shit- someone who used their Disorder as an excuse to do so. Since that is their personal experience, they tend to cling to that to ensure they don’t wind up as collateral damage in future interactions with the mentally ill.

In this situation- an excuse to me implies that the person does not want to accept that anything may be wrong or they know something is wrong but milk it for all it’s worth. These people will typically break it out as an excuse to try and seek asylum for any number of their shitty behaviors. “Oh well, I’m Bipolar so I didn’t have control over my actions.” or “Can you loan me money? I can’t hold a job.” And then proceed to do absolutely nothing to remedy the situation.

It is alright to have compassion for people, even manipulative assholes. However; compassion doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be victimized either. You can care about someone and still not put up with their bullshit. “You can stay here, but you either need to be trying to get on Disability or at least trying to work a part-time job.” “What’s the money you’re ‘borrowing’ from me going for? Specifically. If it’s medication, electrical bill, or something like that- fine. If you’re buying liquor or bullshit with it- then we’ll have a problem.”

What constitutes a reason? It’s actually very simple. Can the person take responsibility for their actions even if they don’t understand them? Responsibility means apologizing, trying to pay for the damages if you can, and doing what you need to. Take responsibility for your unwell actions as much as you can. Some people will be able to forgive you- others won’t. That’s just an unfortunate part of our existence.

And I would like to clarify a point. When I suggest an apology- I am not advocating apologizing for being mentally ill. NEVER apologize for being mentally ill. It’s not your fault. You have no control over the hand you were dealt- but you can choose how to play it. What I’m talking about is apologizing for hurting that person you care about. Nuts or not, no one wants to feel as though their feelings are given no consideration. Apologize for the pain, apologize for screwing things up for that person, apologize because you care about whatever you inflicted on that person.

I usually use something to the effect of- “I am sorry for XYZ action. I was unwell when I did it and I really thought I was doing the right/correct thing. If I can make it up to you; please let me know. Unfortunately, I’ll probably end up doing something just as insane in the future. That’s life as a Bipolar sometimes.”

A normal that says it’s only an excuse for shitty behavior has often been hurt badly by someone in their past, so arguing is rarely productive. I use something to the effect of- “I’m sorry for whatever you went through to have caused you to draw that conclusion. But I’m not like that. I take my meds, I fight for my wellness and to understand, and I take responsibility for my bullshit when it erupts. I know I’m Bipolar- and I don’t deny or fight that realization. I do everything I can to manage it. If ever there comes a time I treat you like that- tell me I’m being an insane asshole. There’s a good chance I just haven’t yet realized I’m unwell.”

The important thing is to stay calm. Some scenarios I’ve seen where this is the case is a person who was badly abused by an unmedicated Bipolar parent or someone with an unchecked Bipolar spouse who utterly destroyed their peace of mind and life. In either case, you won’t win an argument with them. You just have to give them the fuel for thought to show that we’re all individuals and can’t be lumped together. Frankly, it’s identical to racial stereotyping. It’s a physical difference that is assumed to bind us all into a stereotype. Black, brown, white, mentally ill- all are physical differences. Ours is just invisible.

So for those of you that are wondering whether it is an excuse or a reason- it all boils down to responsibility- if you take no responsibility for your wellness or trying to find it, walk all over others and think you’re exempt from their anger, or act like a shithead because “you’re mentally ill”. You’re just making excuses as a false victim. You have the power to change your life for the better; even if that means trying med combinations for years, dragging yourself to appointments you don’t want to go to, or taking the first step to acknowledge that you’re broken- just like me and several others in this world. You’re not alone, even if you think you are.

And if you cross paths with one of these people that make it harder on all of us- call them on their bullshit. The normals may not know how to handle a person like that but we do. It is typical to return to a point where we are finally able to feel sorrow and bad about what we did to the people we care about. If you reach that point- own up to it. If you reach that point and say fuck it- then you’re a selfish asshole for making things harder on the people that care about you and those of us who do.

That is something we should all be angry about.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Other Self-Help

A Few Misconceptions Of Psychiatric Medication #Bipolar #Depression

I spend a significant amount of time talking about psychiatric medication because I run into so many people that have drastic misconceptions about it, its applications, and how to best find success with it. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to use psych medication to try and get stable. What’s important is that you are making an informed choice about it. My personal opinion is that it is impossible to get control over Bipolar Disorder without it. Yes- a person can minimize the impact of unwell periods through natural means. I have never heard of anyone being able to eliminate the cycles altogether, with data to back it up, through non-medication means.

-There is a fuse on explosive situations.
Due to my living openly with Bipolar Disorder, I get pulled aside by quite a few people for a few quick words. A lot of those encounters have to do with a friend or loved one who was on a psych medication and ended up killing themselves. I’ve ran into Bipolars who did not want to take psych meds because they had a relative who killed themselves while on it or had a friend who preached the evils of it.

Every time I hear one of these stories my mind is flooded with questions. Was the person drinking/doing drugs while on it? Were they taking it as directed? Did they contact their doctor if they are having problems? Did they try and quit cold turkey? All of these things can possibly have devastating repercussions.

A person starting a new psychiatric medication knows they are going into a potentially dangerous situation. Therefore, you need to take precautions to ensure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Stop and analyze your moods a couple times a day as you start taking it. If it is making you worse- CALL YOUR DOCTOR. It really is that simple. A person that slits their wrists isn’t doing it because of the pills they took 5 minutes before. It can be fast but there is plenty of time to catch dangerous mental shifts if you are paying attention and monitoring your thoughts.

-A Bipolar person will likely be on psychiatric medication for the rest of their life.
“I started feeling better so I stopped taking it.” “I only take it when I don’t feel well.” “I won’t have to be on it that long, will I?”

Yes, yes you will. Bipolar Disorder is for life. When you get well from taking the medication, you MUST continue taking the medication if you want to retain your stability. The medication replaces chemicals or stimulates processes in your mind that it normally lacks- which is the physical reason behind the drastic mood shifts of the Disorder.

I’m pretty sure that most of us have a story of when we decided we didn’t need medication anymore and stopped taking it. It’s a great way to cause chaos in your mind on an unprecedented scale. If you’re well- do yourself and your loved ones a favor and keep taking the meds. Yes, it sucks to be shackled to it the rest of your life. But if it’s any consolation, look at your life up until that point and decide if you want to go back to that or take some pills every day? Bring on the pills!

-There are affordable medications out there to get Bipolar Disorder under control.
A significant portion of the people I talk to about Bipolar Disorder are either broke as shit or are on their way to broke as shit. When I provide people with information or advice, I want to ensure they are getting useful information they can implement and use for an extended period of time without too much of a burden on themselves. I know there are plenty of times in my life that I couldn’t afford 100+ bucks a month for medication and I don’t assume others can either.

So! Below you will find a list of generic medications available from the Wal-Mart pharmacy (or check your local pharmacies/big box retailers to see if any of them have generic programs) that are $4 for 30 days. Generics are simply meds that are no longer in their patent period which is what commands the high prices of name brand medications as the company tries to recoup their development investment and turn a profit. A lot of times it’s the same company that originally held the patent that produces them.

When you deal with your doctor- ask for a generic equivalent if possible. You have to be proactive about being informed. Doctors don’t regularly monitor pharmacy prices.

Citalopram – Celexa – Antidepressant
Fluoxetine – Prozac – Antidepressant
Amitriptyline – Sarotex – Antidepressant
Nortriptyline – Sensoval – Antidepressant
Paroxetine – Paxil – Antidepressant
Trazodone – Trazodone – Antidepressant

Lithium Carbonate – Lithium – Mood Stabilizer
Carbamazepine – Tegretol – Mood Stabilizer

Fluphenazine – Antipsychotic

I presently take Lithium Carbonate and Citalopram. I tried Fluoxetine but it didn’t do a damned thing for me. Lithium is the gold standard of mood stabilizers and has been in use as one since about 1950. It works really well for a lot of people and is the standard to which all new mood stabilizers are held.

I typically do not “recommend” anything. My usual advice is just keep trying things until something works because your brain chemistry is unique to you. Just because something works for me doesn’t mean a damned thing for you at all. However, Lithium is the exception as it has decades of data behind it. If you need an affordable mood stab, I recommend researching and inquiring with your doctor about lithium carbonate. It can potentially have some very severe side effects and isn’t a good choice for people with high blood pressure or heart problems. Do your research on any medication you put into your body. Pharmacies give you fact sheets, ask your doctor, ask your pharmacist, whatever.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping General Self-Help

An Organized Approach To Medicating

I can’t count the number of times I’ve ran into Bipolars and Depressives who do not have an organized approach to finding their wellness. I’ve dealt with a lot of different people since I started living openly with being Bipolar and putting up my website. “Mental illness” is a perfectly suitable name for what we deal with. It’s an illness. It has symptoms, predictable patterns (though our actions during a pattern may not be), and a method of treatment.

But how many of us have slacked when it comes to our medication? It’s easy to do if you let yourself get mired down into morbid depression. You just keep chucking pills down your throat and hope it goes away as the weeks and months tick by. The problem is that we are sabotaging our own wellness efforts by letting the depression rule us. That’s why we need an orderly, organized approach.

Quite a few psych medications should be working by 4-6 weeks after you start taking them (check your prescriptions for specifics). There’s no reason to stay on the same dosage or medication after the maximum time has passed for the medication to be doing it’s job. If it’s not, call your doctor and get that shit either changed or increased. Chances are very good it’s not going to magically start working a month later.

One person I spoke with was taking an incorrect dosage for six fucking months! She could have tried as many as three varying dosages in addition to the original in that time. But she didn’t because she let her depression and mental illness drive her decision making processes.

If you want to be well, you have to push through the bullshit that you normally deal with to get it. An established course of action takes all the mental turmoil out of your decision making process. If it doesn’t work in 6 weeks (or a time appropriate to your prescription); get it changed. You’re only punishing yourself and the people around you by letting it go.

A similarly important point is to have some kind of idea on what “correct” medication should do for you. Everyone has different tolerances and desires. So you have to understand what you need out of your medication so you can define it as successful or a failure. Functionality, the ability to meet your basic needs as a human, and not have your mental illness destroying your relationships serves as a pretty good baseline.

It’s a bitch to get there, but you can make it. You just have to keep pushing and avoid the pitfalls your mental illness will inevitably throw in front of you.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping General Self-Help

Misinformation On Psychiatric Medication

Psychiatric medication is a topic that invokes mixed feelings in a lot of people. The mere mention of it will cause others to go out of their way to warn you of the dangers of it. In my experience, these well meaning people do not know what they are talking about. Their advice is damaging and can prevent others from finding wellness by filling their minds with unnecessary fear.

The single most common sentiment I hear from people is “I know someone who was on XYZ and they killed themselves! You don’t want to take that!” I hear it so often that I would venture to guess that most of you who have discussed psych medication with another uninformed party have probably heard it too. My mind is immediately filled with questions when I hear it. “Was the person taking it as scheduled? Were they communicating with their doctor when their symptoms got worse? Were they paying attention to their mentality as they changed dosages?”

The original statement doesn’t actually say anything worthwhile. It’s a statement of misunderstanding and fear. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t blame the person who is saying it. I know that they think they are doing the right thing because of the pain they have etched on their soul from the loss of someone they cared about. That doesn’t change the fact that the “advice” and fear they dole out is damaging and potentially hazardous to someone considering psych meds.

Why is it so harmful? Incorrect medication does not just send you from zero to insanity in the span of an hour or two. It’s going to take at least a couple days to even remotely approach it. A person who is taking a new medication should be very aware of what it could potentially do so they do not wake up one day and find themselves in that position. As symptoms get worse, they should be on the phone with their doctor telling them the meds are making them worse. This is even easier if there is a loved one who understands what’s going on that can pay closer attention to their behavior.

Now how many people actually do that? It’s a simple line of thinking and action that can derail serious complications with psych meds.

The only time I feel a person should not try psych meds to get Bipolar Disorder or Depression under control is if they are not ready to follow through on it. I’ve met far too many people that treat their psych meds like aspirin. “Oh, I just take it when I’m feeling off.” “I’ve missed three doses in the past week.” They don’t treat their psych meds with the respect it deserves. It is my opinion that those people should not be taking it until they are ready to commit to taking it as directed. There’s the potential for them to do far more damage to themselves than they realize.

Psych meds are a tool to help a person get well. Like any tool, it must be used safely and responsibly to prevent any unnecessary injuries. Be aware of the potential hazards of the med itself and always be on the look out for signs that it is making things worse. If it is- call your doctor and let them know. Keep pressing at it until you are able to talk to the person and get their guidance on what you should do immediately. It really is that simple. If you know you’re going to be changing meds or dosages then it should come as no surprise that there is a potential for it to go awry.

Don’t base your decision to take or not take psych medication on fear. Always examine and re-examine how your mentality is on a particular medication.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
General Self-Help

Of The Mental Health Profession And Fallibility

The quest for mental wellness is tightly intertwined with the advice and beliefs of the medical profession. The problem is that some medical professionals are not competent providers of care. The keyword is “some”. This is not an attack on the entire medical profession. The expectations that we, as a society, place on these people is entirely unrealistic. Who can spend their entire career doing any activity and not make a single error?

Instead, I’m talking about the dangerously incompetent or ignorant. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, therapists- they are just people. People do stupid things for misguided reasons or just plain, old-fashioned incompetence. None of us can afford to take the word of a medical professional at face value. The stakes for our personal well being are simply too high. That is why each and every person receiving care should accept the responsibility of understanding why they are doing what they are.

A good example is from a recent interaction I’ve had. A mother and father are trying to get their unstable, Bipolar daughter stable. Over the course of six months, she’s been in and out of psych wards. She’s extremely unstable to the point where she is likely to be a threat to herself or her family. The girl has seen different psychiatrists in that time frame. Every couple of weeks her medication has been changed at the behest of the doctor with the approval of her father. The father does not understand how mental illness or medicating function. It takes 4-6 weeks for several mood stabilizing medications to raise to therapeutic levels within the blood stream. It is quite likely that he, and the doctors, are making her stability worse by changing it so often.

Enough time is not given to see if the medication is functioning. Instead of using an emergency mood stabilizer to get her through the hardest times, they are changing the medication altogether. The worst part is that one of these medications may very well have worked for her. Now, she will just look back and say “Oh, I already tried that and it didn’t work” without ever reaching the point where she could tell if it actually was working or not.

The daughter and father put their blind faith in the knowledge of these “professionals”. The truth of the matter is- the medical profession is subject to the same pointless garbage that every other business is. Some people do not know what they’re talking about, others are incompetent, and still others simply don’t give a damn. The father does not have to be a doctor to look up the functionality of psych medication and find that a majority of it requires far more time to work than they are giving. That would require his accepting that he may not know everything about treating mental illness. And I’m sorry, but “liking” a doctor is no reason to assume they are competent.

I know I’ve crossed paths with many people that I’ve liked in life that have been terrible at their job. I’m sure if you think about your workplace, you can come up with a few yourself.

I get it. It sucks to watch someone you love go through such a difficult time. The desire to help is only natural. The problem is that mental wellness is not something delivered overnight. It requires patience and navigating the rough patches when they come up. Do you want the highest chance for success? Educate yourself on your (or your loved one’s) condition and how it is treated. Always ask questions. Always steer clear of any “professional” that will not answer your questions openly and help you understand.

There are plenty of wonderful, self-sacrificing, knowledgeable people involved in the mental health field; but the stakes are simply too high for us to put blind faith in anyone with regard to how we pursue our mental wellness.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Depression Self-Help

The Joy Of Changing Antidepressants – Pt. 1 #bipolar #depression #mentalillness

This post will be the first in a series I will do in relation to my medication change. I hope it will provide insight into my decision making process and better facilitate your pursuit of mental stability.

Just a few days ago I realized that I was missing out on a pretty good opportunity to provide you all with some insight on medication changes. I’ve been on varying dosages of a few different medications since my diagnosis. Antidepressants are the sticking point. None of the antidepressants that I have tried have even scratched the surface except for name brand Wellbutrin. That was several years ago when I talked to my doctor about depression and far before my Bipolar diagnosis. I felt pretty good for about a week on my way into one of the worst hypomanic periods that I have had. My rage was so extreme that I almost destroyed my refrigerator door because the milk was holding it open.

Today, I take lithium to prevent me from escalating. I have not had an escalation in probably two years now. While I would love to put Wellbutrin to the test now, I have no prescription coverage. I have only been taking generic equivalents to ensure that I keep my cost of long-term treatment down just in case I come unhinged or life sets me back in the future (Which is a strategy I advocate in my Medication Strategy). Wellbutrin does have a generic equivalent that is supposed to be chemically identical to the name brand. Surfing around the internet uncovers a much different story. There are pages upon pages of complaints, requests for the FDA to investigate, and a drastic disconnect from the name brand to the generic. The primary complaints about the generic are severe weight gain, amplified depression, and stronger suicidal impulses. That is not quite what I’m looking for out of an antidepressant. The chatter is too prevalent for me to think it is just standard internet bitching.

Just a few weeks ago I ended my fluoxetine (prozac) regimen and asked my doctor for an antidepressant from the same “family” as Wellbutrin. Prozac is an SSRI whereas Wellbutrin is an SNRI. What’s the difference? They stimulate different chemical processes in the mind. Taking the prozac worked about as well as taking sugar pills. Thus I decided I wanted to try something from the SNRI family which was sort of “successful” before. The medication of choice this time around is Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended Release, better known as Effexor.

I have already gotten off to a bad start. I have procrastinated and put off getting my bloodwork done for my lithium level testing. I ended up stretching my initial dosage of Effexor longer because I was trying to force myself to face my social anxieties and go get the shit done at the hospital instead of a remote clinic where I normally have my appointments. That already put me slightly off balance, though I know I am and have been taking active steps to keep myself in as well of a state as I can manage.

Moral of the story? Even though I’ve written hundreds of pages on mental health, finding wellness, and so forth; I still screw up in major ways sometimes. That is exactly why I never say that “my way is the only way”. My goal is to give readers a wider understanding, more options, and hope for something better. Why even bring it up? Because every person needs to know that they will screw up, give up, or lose hope eventually. You will have to do the same thing I do; push yourself to your feet and keep going.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Depression kimmymc80 Self-Help

Doggie Kisses Are The Best Medicine

I haven’t been posting much because I have been taking care of a mentally unwell friend, my elderly grandmother, and an elderly dog. I figured since they love me so much, the least I can do is to take care of them when times get rough. I fully believe in the theory that you get what you give. Therefore I try my best to give as much love as possible.

When it comes to my dog and my grandmother I know they will never lead me astray or try to use me. However, when it comes to my friend, I have a different concern. The thing is I feel like I am enabling her to continue to make the wrong decisions when getting into relationships. I tell her constantly that she needs to learn to love herself without a man before entering a relationship. She says she agrees but her actions are different. Because of her recent actions, of entering into another unhealthy relationship while trying to keep it secret from me, I have packed my things and left her house to go home. I don’t mind helping others, I actually love it, but I DO NOT like being used, abused, or lied to.

After rushing to my friends side, when she called me to tell me that she didn’t think she should be alone, I stayed with her in a city 45 minutes away from where I live. For days I listened and hugged her back to health and the second she started feeling better she decided to go for a ride on her motorcycle by herself. I thought nothing of this but she returned with a big ol’ grin on her face like she had fallen in love. Come to find out she had begun to date another biker and “forgot” to tell me about it. It really wouldn’t be any of my business but it seems like I am the person she calls to rescue her the second these relationships turn to crap. So, it does make it my business.  I reiterated how I felt and decided to head home to take care of my dog and grandmother.

You see my dog is 13 and is slowly going downhill. She has bad hips and can barely walk. Also, she is forced to live outside, which I think is cruel, and constantly has new bites on her body. I absolutely hate this for her because her kisses and love are the greatest medicine I have ever received. Oxytocin is my favorite drug. Oxytocin is that feel good chemical that is released when you hug someone or your pet for more than 20 seconds. I love it. She constantly gives me a boost of oxytocin, love , and doggie kisses while I give her hugs, do Reiki on her hips and back, and lightly massage her.

Well, my parents don’t know this, but I have snuck her into my room right now and we are cuddling. I am typing this with one hand and rubbing her with the other. She is in heaven loving every second of this. I don’t quite know what I’m going to do when I have to feed her and let her go potty, but I guess I’ll figure that out when the time comes. Right now I am soaking up all of the love I can get.  She currently has her head in my lap staring at the computer screen while I try to type.

I know we are down to the last few days with her so I am trying to do everything in my power to make her happy. For now, that means she is allowed to stink up my room and slobber all over everything I own. I really could care less. To be honest with you I don’t know what I’m going to do when I no longer have her. I don’t even want to think of it.

My dog can make me go from depressed to laughing uncontrollably at her licking my tears away. She is probably one of the best serotonin boosting things I have ever found. She helps my mental health more than I can even put into words. I know I am going to need to reach out once I have to put her down. Until then, we will be huddled up in my room cuddling and trying to not make a sound. Who knows when we will get caught by my dad. It may just be a war!

Oh crap, she just sneezed really loud! Noooooo! Not my best friend, you can’t take her. Love me, love my dog, or else!

Categories
Coping kimmymc80 Self-Help

How Does #Forgiveness #Heal? #Anxiety #Peace #MentalHealth

Everyone has been done wrong at some point or another in their life. Maybe, even, you have even done yourself wrong. Whether you have been abused, spoken ill about, made fun of, or harmed yourself in some way, we all need to find a way to forgive and move on. Individuals who have been hurt, betrayed, and abused have the right to be angry and resentful. These are normal reactions and emotions when feeling the crushed spirit that can come from being disrespected or abused. If not dealt with, such angry reactions can damage personal health on several levels.

It’s easy to become resentful towards someone or yourself when horrible things happen but we need to remember that forgiveness is divine and it can actually heal and transform you. Just how does this transformation occur? Deepak Chopra explains what happens when you harbor resentment and what happens when you release this and forgive.

He states that when you have a resentment, grievance , feeling hostility towards anyone or if you have any of the other toxic emotions like guilt, shame, depression or fear , these emotions release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones have effects on the cardiovascular and immune systems, and your mental health. Your immune system becomes compromised, even your platelets get jittery with the high levels of adrenaline and they start a harmful cascade leading to cardiovascular illnesses, panic attacks, depression, heart attacks, harmful relationships, and stroke.

Once you begin to forgive and let go the burden of judgment, everything settles down and your body starts to return to homeostasis, which is self regulation and self healing. This gives you a peace of mind where you can start to work on your own mental well-being

One law of physics is that for every action there is a reaction. So this means once you start to forgive and ask for forgiveness it is the best use of your own energy. It is also one of the best paths to start the exploration of self-healing.

Hostility is not healthy . . . it is the number one emotional risk factor for premature death from cardiovascular accident (stroke and heart attack). Hostility is an inflammatory emotion and causes physical inflammations as well. It is also linked to autoimmune and psychological disorders.  It is more than remembered pain; it is also rumination over a past hurt.

Learning how to let go of toxic emotions such as hostility is the essence of learning how to forgive, because forgiveness is basically releasing your attachment or identification with the conditioned response.

Here is a 7-step process that is known to work:

1 Taking responsibility for your emotion

2 Witnessing the emotion

3 Defining or labeling the emotion

4 Expressing the emotion

5 Sharing the emotion

6 Releasing the emotion through ritual

7 Celebrating the release and moving on

If you are holding on to a grievance or resentment and feel hostility toward someone, here’s what you can do.

1. Close your eyes and recall the episodes that caused you to feel this way. Recall the experience in full sensory mode, noting the voices, gestures and setting. As you visualize it, feel the sensations accompanying the experience.  You will usually feel a tightness or discomfort in the area of your stomach or your heart. At this point remind yourself that these are your emotions but they are not you.  You are responsible for creating them and you have the power to heal them.

2. Once you have located the discomfort in your body, feel it for several minutes. Ask yourself,  Who is most damaged by holding on to this toxic energy?

3. Having located and experienced the discomfort for several minutes, and having realized its damaging effect on you, give it a label. Define it. Is it hostility, anger, sadness, guilt, fear or a combination of all of the above?

These are the first 3 steps, taking responsibility, physically feeling it and then defining it.

4. The fourth step is to express what you are feeling in writing. It is suggested that you do this from three different perspectives. First, as you recall the experience, express in writing what you are feeling in the first person.  Having done that, express it in the second person, pretending you are the other person in the conflict. . . . And finally, express it in the third person as a neutral observer. When you express the conflict or emotion accompanying the conflict from three different perspectives you will find the toxic energy accompanying the emotion will begin to dissipate.

5. The fifth step is to share this experience with a loved one.

6. The sixth step is to release the emotion through a ritual. You could burn the paper on which you have written these feelings and offer the ashes to the winds . . . or to God. Ritual action is a way of trapping energy & releasing it effectively and bringing things to closure.

7. Having released the emotion, celebrate and do something fun, Go out exercise, see a movie, go dancing, whatever makes you happy.

Ultimately forgiving another is forgiving oneself. In forgiving we release the false sense of identity with which we have attached to a story about an event. When we release an attachment to a toxic emotion, we are freeing our self from that false sense of self. As we free our self from the illusion, we are really forgiving our self in the deepest sense. What we think we are forgiving in another is an act of freedom for our own soul. Every situation that calls for forgiveness is a step in our own growth to higher consciousness.

The good news  – your brain comes with equipment that  segues into peace and recaptures gratitude, hope and joy.  It’s rarely easy to pardon though, and has little to do with showing your side of a story in defense. Rather than recycle guilt,  see yourself – along with others – as worthy of care without demands for change as a condition.

Forgiveness literally alters the brain’s wiring – away from distortions brought about by the past,  and beyond fears that limit the future. It leads from misery of a broken promise, to wellness that builds new neuron pathways into physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it changes the pain of the past, and unlocks the door to the future.

Revenge is natural. Forgiveness is supernatural.

Paul Carlin

What the Bible says about forgiveness:

While Jesus was teaching in Capernaum, he was approached by one of his leading disciples with a question on forgiveness. Peter asked Jesus how often he was to forgive a “brother” who had sinned against him, and offered up the number “seven” as a possible answer.

Jesus waved off Peter’s guess, responding: “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22, NKJV)

Once you forgive the person that wronged you and forgive yourself you will notice:

Decreased anger and negative thoughts

Decreased anxiety

Decreased depression and grief

Decreased vulnerability to substance use

I hope this helps you in some way, shape, or form. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to leave them below.

Much love and abundant blessings,

Kimmy

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!