Tag: self-help

Categories
General Other

Random Reflections On A Bipolar Life

I don’t usually use this blog for random musing type things but I think today is going to be an exception. Today, I just want to talk about some of the catalysts that changed how I viewed my life and past in general.

I spent about 15 years undiagnosed and lived a pretty rough existence during that time. There were times I would come back, crash with family, and level off. But every time I went out and tried to get some shit accomplished on my own my brain would just rocket all over the place. The tally is about 7 suicide attempts, college, 25ish jobs, 2 engagements, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, living in a Detroit ghetto; and a bunch of shit that isn’t coming to mind at the moment.

Then I got my diagnosis and I started to look at my past. Everything started making more sense. I did very well for myself and in jobs when I was well. It took diagnosis for me to realize that the unwell periods are when I tore everything to the ground. I’d not only burn my bridges, but I’d defecate on the ashes, whip my dick out to whoever was on the other side, and feel damned fine doing it. That was the illness.

I went through a period where I mourned a lot of the things that the Disorder cost me. There were so many opportunities I had in front of me that I could not capitalize on because I ended up tearing them all down. I felt bad about past relationships because none of the women I’ve been involved with have been the superficial or flaky types. None of those relationships failed from lack of love or affection. Instead, it was mostly my insanity that created the gaps that ended them. I was afraid of what my future was going to look like since I had been unable to build anything of real use from 17 to almost 30.

But then I stumbled on a particular career path- a Peer Specialist. Peer Specialists are people who have recovered from things like alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness who are trained to assist other people who are going through the same issues. It’s a fairly new discipline but several of the ideas are present in groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. The idea that there is no person better suited to help than someone who has already lived it.

In the case of the Peer Specialist, the binding motto is- “Doctors are best suited to treat the illness. Peer Specialists are best suited to treat the person.” And that’s to take nothing away from medical professionals that actually strive to do their jobs well and help people. However, I am confident that a vast majority of us can easily recall bad experiences with medical professionals who either didn’t know what they were talking about or just didn’t give a shit. It’s a profession like any other. Some people are going to be good, most mediocre, and some terrible.

I was able to find a lot of internal peace with myself, my past, and my future upon learning of this profession. All of those years of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and insanity weren’t just lost. It was my education. It was my college and my graduate school. All of that negativity can be turned to something positive that I can use to help other people that really need it and are ready for it.

I spent a lot of years wondering where I was going to end up in the future- if I was going to wind up homeless or giving into those dark thoughts to kill myself. It wasn’t until I realized that my pain had value in itself that I started to find peace with myself. I threw off my desire to be perceived or accepted as “normal”. I embraced who I truly was.

And who am I? I am a Type 2 Bipolar. I’m a mostly regular guy who wants to see people have happier lives. I learned that acceptance from the “normals” is entirely irrelevant from the gangbangers, hustlers, and criminals I lived around in Detroit. For every one “hardcore mutha fucka” there were more that absolutely hated their position in life, didn’t want to be there, but had no way to escape.

This was best illustrated in an article I read a couple months back. The headline was something to the effect of “Poll Reveals Gangmembers Prefer Work Over Crime”. Now, for those of you that do not understand why that poll is retarded; let’s look at a couple quick facts. Average life expectancy of a gangmember is 25. Being in a gang means your life is going to progress on one of three avenues- the hospital, prison, or death.

Ignore the word gangmember and just think for a minute. Would you, or anyone you know, want to be in a profession that will absolutely end in death, jail, or the hospital most likely by 25? Fuck, no! Would you want to be in a position where you got to bury your friends and family members on a regular basis? No one does! The idea that a majority want that life is -fucking stupid-.

These things taught me humility. I’m not fucking important in this world and no matter how bad my shit is someone always has it worse. But I’m not stupid enough to think I can change the world. My goal is to just leave the life of the person I’m interacting with in a better state than I found it. That’s it. That’s the core of my approach towards life, towards myself, and chasing happiness.

And I’m not saying that everyone can or should be helped. I’ve met some pretty terrible people both in the ghetto and just in my general walk of life. I’ve dealt with a couple mentally ill people I would never trust or even extend a hand of friendship to because of their borderline criminal, dangerous mentalities.

But those people are relatively few and far between. They aren’t the norm by any means.

The primary point I want you to take away from this post is this- don’t be ashamed or afraid of the path you’ve walked so far. There are many ways to turn a really negative life into something positive. It may take some time, the road ahead may be completely unclear; but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

And if you’re interested in possibly pursuing a career as a Peer Specialist; you should know that Social Security will pay for training through their vocational rehab program (provided you’re in). The training and the certification process are only about 40 hours. It differs from state to state. If you’re not on SS, a lot of times the entity that hires you will pay for the training. (Every example I’ve seen has been that they do; but I obviously can’t know every policy.)

Be good to yourself. Be a bit kinder to yourself. And don’t hesitate to say “I understand” to someone who’s struggling. You’ll meet some very interesting people. I know I have!

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping kimmymc80 Self-Help

How Does #Forgiveness #Heal? #Anxiety #Peace #MentalHealth

Everyone has been done wrong at some point or another in their life. Maybe, even, you have even done yourself wrong. Whether you have been abused, spoken ill about, made fun of, or harmed yourself in some way, we all need to find a way to forgive and move on. Individuals who have been hurt, betrayed, and abused have the right to be angry and resentful. These are normal reactions and emotions when feeling the crushed spirit that can come from being disrespected or abused. If not dealt with, such angry reactions can damage personal health on several levels.

It’s easy to become resentful towards someone or yourself when horrible things happen but we need to remember that forgiveness is divine and it can actually heal and transform you. Just how does this transformation occur? Deepak Chopra explains what happens when you harbor resentment and what happens when you release this and forgive.

He states that when you have a resentment, grievance , feeling hostility towards anyone or if you have any of the other toxic emotions like guilt, shame, depression or fear , these emotions release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones have effects on the cardiovascular and immune systems, and your mental health. Your immune system becomes compromised, even your platelets get jittery with the high levels of adrenaline and they start a harmful cascade leading to cardiovascular illnesses, panic attacks, depression, heart attacks, harmful relationships, and stroke.

Once you begin to forgive and let go the burden of judgment, everything settles down and your body starts to return to homeostasis, which is self regulation and self healing. This gives you a peace of mind where you can start to work on your own mental well-being

One law of physics is that for every action there is a reaction. So this means once you start to forgive and ask for forgiveness it is the best use of your own energy. It is also one of the best paths to start the exploration of self-healing.

Hostility is not healthy . . . it is the number one emotional risk factor for premature death from cardiovascular accident (stroke and heart attack). Hostility is an inflammatory emotion and causes physical inflammations as well. It is also linked to autoimmune and psychological disorders.  It is more than remembered pain; it is also rumination over a past hurt.

Learning how to let go of toxic emotions such as hostility is the essence of learning how to forgive, because forgiveness is basically releasing your attachment or identification with the conditioned response.

Here is a 7-step process that is known to work:

1 Taking responsibility for your emotion

2 Witnessing the emotion

3 Defining or labeling the emotion

4 Expressing the emotion

5 Sharing the emotion

6 Releasing the emotion through ritual

7 Celebrating the release and moving on

If you are holding on to a grievance or resentment and feel hostility toward someone, here’s what you can do.

1. Close your eyes and recall the episodes that caused you to feel this way. Recall the experience in full sensory mode, noting the voices, gestures and setting. As you visualize it, feel the sensations accompanying the experience.  You will usually feel a tightness or discomfort in the area of your stomach or your heart. At this point remind yourself that these are your emotions but they are not you.  You are responsible for creating them and you have the power to heal them.

2. Once you have located the discomfort in your body, feel it for several minutes. Ask yourself,  Who is most damaged by holding on to this toxic energy?

3. Having located and experienced the discomfort for several minutes, and having realized its damaging effect on you, give it a label. Define it. Is it hostility, anger, sadness, guilt, fear or a combination of all of the above?

These are the first 3 steps, taking responsibility, physically feeling it and then defining it.

4. The fourth step is to express what you are feeling in writing. It is suggested that you do this from three different perspectives. First, as you recall the experience, express in writing what you are feeling in the first person.  Having done that, express it in the second person, pretending you are the other person in the conflict. . . . And finally, express it in the third person as a neutral observer. When you express the conflict or emotion accompanying the conflict from three different perspectives you will find the toxic energy accompanying the emotion will begin to dissipate.

5. The fifth step is to share this experience with a loved one.

6. The sixth step is to release the emotion through a ritual. You could burn the paper on which you have written these feelings and offer the ashes to the winds . . . or to God. Ritual action is a way of trapping energy & releasing it effectively and bringing things to closure.

7. Having released the emotion, celebrate and do something fun, Go out exercise, see a movie, go dancing, whatever makes you happy.

Ultimately forgiving another is forgiving oneself. In forgiving we release the false sense of identity with which we have attached to a story about an event. When we release an attachment to a toxic emotion, we are freeing our self from that false sense of self. As we free our self from the illusion, we are really forgiving our self in the deepest sense. What we think we are forgiving in another is an act of freedom for our own soul. Every situation that calls for forgiveness is a step in our own growth to higher consciousness.

The good news  – your brain comes with equipment that  segues into peace and recaptures gratitude, hope and joy.  It’s rarely easy to pardon though, and has little to do with showing your side of a story in defense. Rather than recycle guilt,  see yourself – along with others – as worthy of care without demands for change as a condition.

Forgiveness literally alters the brain’s wiring – away from distortions brought about by the past,  and beyond fears that limit the future. It leads from misery of a broken promise, to wellness that builds new neuron pathways into physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it changes the pain of the past, and unlocks the door to the future.

Revenge is natural. Forgiveness is supernatural.

Paul Carlin

What the Bible says about forgiveness:

While Jesus was teaching in Capernaum, he was approached by one of his leading disciples with a question on forgiveness. Peter asked Jesus how often he was to forgive a “brother” who had sinned against him, and offered up the number “seven” as a possible answer.

Jesus waved off Peter’s guess, responding: “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22, NKJV)

Once you forgive the person that wronged you and forgive yourself you will notice:

Decreased anger and negative thoughts

Decreased anxiety

Decreased depression and grief

Decreased vulnerability to substance use

I hope this helps you in some way, shape, or form. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to leave them below.

Much love and abundant blessings,

Kimmy

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Depression kimmymc80 Self-Help

A Pill-less Cure For Anxiety and Panic #MentalHealth #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #Faith #GodCanDoAnything

In my last post I briefly spoke about my spiritual awakening that occurred during one of my stays in a psychiatric hospital. I would like to discuss this a step further and give you some tips on how to alleviate panic for good.

First I would like to share my experience in full with you.

After I was in full remission from my eating disorder and self mutilation I began to suffer from debilitating panic attacks among other things. During these bouts of panic and mania I was drugged beyond imagination since I suffered from seizures because of the attacks that were happening over 30 times a day. The doctors just kept pouring liquid xanax into my system every time I would awaken with another bout that would make me nearly seize out of my hospital bed.

During one of my hospital stays I finally gained a moment of clarity and screamed out “NO MORE DRUGS”! I realized that all they were doing was placing a blanket over my deep rooted problems and not fixing anything. I continued to panic and seize for days and had to be institutionalized.

While in the psychiatric hospital I continued to have panic attacks that made me see actual spiritual warfare in front of my very eyes. I could see angels and demons fighting over my soul. I thought I was going crazy because there were no windows in my room and I continuously saw darkness and light fighting each other.

In one of my deepest bouts of panic I remembered that if you were to say in the name of Jesus I command you to flee then all evil will flee because they are scared “poopless” of the mention of His name.

I screamed at the top of my lungs “Father, I give EVERYTHING to you (my mental health, my finances, my medication, my doctors, and everything else I could think of that I was trying to control) and in the name of JESUS I command all evil to leave”.

It was like lightning struck down from heaven and at that moment the darkness fled from my room and my room was lit up with an amazing, spectacular light that was so warm and inviting. I saw hundreds of angels filling my room to the brim and felt a peace like never before come over me and calmed my seizing in an instant.

At the time I thought I was just seeing things and was most likely crazy,  but all I knew was that I was starting to level off. After a few days without panic I was finally dismissed from the hospital.

Once I got home the panic started again and every time all I had to do was mention the name of my precious savior Jesus and the it would flee. After a few months of going back and forth with this I knew that until I became deep rooted in his word and prayed over my house then nothing was ever going to change.

I immediately began to look up scripture that had anything to do with panic and anxiety. I learned that Elijah was the first man in recorded history to suffer from panic attacks (1 Kings 19) and it was by listening to God’s soft spoken voice and obeying that he was able to overcome.

You see God doesn’t always have a loud booming voice and not everyone will experience lightning coming from the Heavens or an earthquake. Sometimes God speaks to us in a soft whisper and it is up to us to discern what it is that he is saying to us.  By staying rooted in the Word of God and by casting all of my concerns on Him I have been blessed to not suffer from severe anxiety like I used to. Of course I get scared and anxious, we all do, but the moment I gave it all to God and call on Jesus, everything always works itself out.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you the verses that I found to help me the most in my times of panic. Psalm 43:5 says that hope in God is a cure. Psalm 94:19 states “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.”

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.”  When we are anxious or tormented by inner thoughts of excessive fear and concern, we feel overwhelmed and depressed. Depression literally comes from pressing down all the anxiety and troublesome thoughts into our spirit. It is a serious problem in our world. But thankfully God provides ways out of our depression. One way is when someone speaks a “good word”. Bondages can be broken and fears can be driven away through the anointed words of God’s servants.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Christians do not have to live in a state of anxiety, worry, fear, and confusion. In fact being anxious is actually a sin. Please do not let these words scare you or think I am trying to make you feel bad. For all of us sin and fall short in some way or another. The secret to overcoming anxiety is to rejoice constantly in the Lord and to pray to God thanking Him for His provision, His goodness, and His mercy both past and future.

But you say, why should I thank the person that made me this way, to suffer from mental illness and disease? I say to you that it was not God that gave you illness or disease, but Satan who is alive and well and ruler of this disease ridden earth.

You say “Where was God when I was suffering?”  To that I answer this: Once you ask God to leave you alone, leave your government, your family, your schools, and your mind, He will do just that because he is a gentleman and will leave when you ask Him to. Once you cry out “Oh, God where are you?” He answers, “I am right here, I never left your side, you just asked me to shut up and leave you alone, so I did”.

When you know that your heavenly Father is taking care of your business you can allow the peace of God to fill your life. God’s peace is not dependent on outward circumstances. It is a supernatural peace that comes from knowing God is in control. What you must do is give over All control to God in order to fully receive this peace.

Philippians 4:19 “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”  People in the world are always uptight about their money and having their needs met. In fact, they spend all of their time and energy on pursuit of security. The believer in Jesus Christ is to live a life free from the fear of lack of finances or any other thing. God has promised in His Word that He will take care of all of our needs through his infinite resources.

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”  Care: merimna (mer-im-nah): Believers are given the secret to winning over anxiety and tension by casting all of their care onto Christ. The word merimna comes from meiro, “to divide,” and noos, “the mind.” The world denotes distractions, anxieties, burdens, and worries. Merimna means to be anxious beforehand about daily life. Such worry is unnecessary, because the Father’s love provides for both our daily needs and our special needs.

Believers are not to live “stressed out,” “burnt out” lives. Part of being spiritual is learning how to cast our care upon God and let Him carry the load, because He is strong enough to take it! People were not designed to live under anxiety,  tension, and stress. The secret is to be able to release those things to he Lord and to trust Him totally to take care of us.

Do not let the great deceiver, Satan, tell you that you are not good enough to be saved or that you are not smart enough to comprehend this because that is just the type of lies that he thrives off of. If we humble ourselves before God, which means if we five our tension, tears, fears, concerns, anxiety and stress to Him, He can do something about it. As long as we are holding onto our burdens, God will not move in to change things.

Some more verses to turn to: Matthew 6:31-34 basically says that God promised that those who seek Him and put His kingdom first will have their needs met. Therefore, do not worry. There is absolutely nothing God can’t and won’t heal, Jeremiah 32:27. God can work a miracle for you, Jeremiah 33:3.

I hope that this helps all of you reading this. If you have any questions feel free to ask. If you have any comments, I want to hear them.

Much love and abundant blessings,

Kimmy

http://withoutalabel.me/