Author: Dennis

Categories
General Other

Representing Depression And Bipolar Disorder With The Drama Masks

Anyone that has spent any amount of time poking around the internet has likely run into the Laughing and Crying Drama Masks as representations of the dual nature of Bipolar Disorder. Of course, the Crying Mask can easily represent Depression. Hell, I use it on my Facebook page myself. But I had an epiphany while having a conversation with one of my visitors who goes by “T” in the comments. So thank you, T, for jogging this particular thought process that I’m working on writing about.

The thought processes I’m referring to is one I hear constantly from folks dealing with the struggles that we face. “I’m afraid of medication because I don’t want to be a zombie.” “I don’t want to take it because it might make me someone I’m not.”

But here’s the thing- the reason those Drama Masks are such a perfect representation is because the Disorder (and Depression) are essentially masking who you actually are. The unmedicated, often unwell person you know now may not actually be the person you are. Instead, the person you are is obscured because the Mask is on.

I’ll use myself as an example, as I typically do. From what I can gather, I started Bipolar cycling when I was about 13. I spent about 75% of my time depressed, 20% of my time hypomanic, and maybe 5% as “other”; normal or recovering from an unwell cycle where I didn’t immediately shift into another cycle. The person wearing the mask had precious few opportunities to actually peek out from behind the Masks in that time frame.

The caseworker I saw for diagnosis asked me, “when was the last time you felt happy?” I couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know what hypomania was but I knew my “good times” were very damaging and strange for me- so I knew that wasn’t happiness because that’s not how it worked for other people. Happy people didn’t fuck up their lives and do insane shit when they weren’t depressed (which was my frame of reference that I didn’t quite understand since I thought everyone struggled with the same shit I did).

I’ve had glimpses of regular emotions unstained by mental illness. Only a few times but I remember the feeling crystal clear because it was like 3 times in the span of 20 years. I felt happy once, for absolutely no reason at all. I felt sad when I found out my ex-Fiancee had moved on and was engaged again; and then I felt happy when I realized I was feeling sad with no hint of depression on the horizon. Honestly, I had no idea what to do with myself with it because in 20 years I do not remember EVER feeling JUST sad. It was always depression. Numbness. Nothing. Null and void.

Those Drama Masks are an apt representation because the real you is behind the Mask while you’re unwell. The medication, self-management, doctor appointments, all the bullshit that we hate fucking doing- it’s to take that mask off and set it aside. The person behind the mask is the real you.

And let’s face it- that can be a frightening and daunting prospect. I’m not perfectly medicated at the moment but I’ve had tastes of wellness that keeps me driving forward, keeps me self-managing, keeps me hungry to succeed. I know the apathetic bastard is waiting to come out if I slip back behind one of the Masks. Frankly, that guy is a fucking dick. But that’s the person I was when the Disorder owned me.

Those of you that have been dealing with this shit for a long time who are afraid of what you might become if you pursued wellness- don’t be afraid. It’s quite likely that you probably don’t know the person you actually are. And speaking from experience- my outlook on a lot of things changed but my interests really haven’t. I still love heavy metal and rap, book/dice and video gaming, reading and learning; and essentially everything I usually have.

What has changed? Perspective largely. I don’t look at the world through shit-colored glasses anymore. If I drop a glass in the sink and it shatters, the Depression doesn’t automatically go “that figures, you always fuck things up.” Instead, with that Mask taken off; it’s just a shrug and me saying “mother fucker” to myself.

And to quote T’s comment- “I appreciate the points you added about the goal of meds and side effects being manageable. It really did help to stabilize me. Funny, I would write profoundly deep and dark pieces in my depressive states. The second day of my medicine I was feeling silly and giddy and wrote a couple of lighthearted, funny pieces. So the creativity is still there, but more balanced, as well as the moods. I’m glad that making the choice to take the correct medications gives even more choices.”

That’s a perfect example of getting a glimpse of the actual person behind the Mask.

And I want you to always remember (and I will beat this drum loudly for the rest of my existence)- psych medication should accomplish two goals. 1. It should make your mental illness manageable. 2. It should have bearable/manageable side effects.

If it does not accomplish those two goals then it is NOT RIGHT no matter how much your doctor may want to brush you aside and get moving (much love and/or mad props to the doctors and nurses that actually give a shit about their patients). YOU have to be the one to advocate for yourself and your wellness. What the fuck good is trading one debilitating problem for another? It’s not a fucking solution.

Sooner or later you’ll find a way to pack those Masks away in a trunk, chain it up, and dump it in the ocean where it belongs. You’ll get to know the real you. It will probably be a long, hard, shitty journey. But goddamn victory will be sweet.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
General

The Art Of Arguing Through Bipolar Disorder And Depression

The friends of loved ones of those with Bipolar Disorder and Depression are often faced with the daunting task of trying to get through to them. Unwell thought processes of these mood disorders twist and warp reality to such a point that it is impossible for the unwell person to know what reality actually is. You, the well-minded supporter, have the benefit of knowing what the facts and reality actually are in most cases. How do you use that to your benefit? We meet hardness with softness.

What the hell does that mean? The martial art Tai Chi uses Hard and Soft forms. The idea is that countering force with force is only going to result in both parties being injured. Instead, you counter force with a soft approach. Instead of directly attacking back, you use the opponent’s energy and motion to your benefit. In this way, the practitioner can exhaust their opponent, conserve energy, and mount an effective offense when the time is right.

Arguing with an unwell person rarely ever works. It usually requires an excessive amount of energy or the supporter winds up emotionally hurt in the process. Think back to previous arguments you had with an unwell loved one- have they helped at all? Probably not.

How do we employ this principle in our dealings with the unwell?

*Facts Are Your Friend- Use Them
The unwell person is going to wind up with borderline delusional thinking on a regular basis. You can use facts to derail these delusional thoughts by forcing the person to actually think about what they are claiming and are convinced of. The more detail they have to dredge up, the more they think. The more they think, the more opportunities they have to realize that something isn’t quite right about their thoughts. It won’t always work but it is a better strategy than trying to hammer through their unwell thoughts with force.

Pay attention to the person you’re talking with. You’re gaining ground once they are embroiled in thought, trying to figure out your words and the discrepancies they are faced with.

Example:

Bipolar: “I’m leaving because I just don’t love you anymore and you make me feel like shit.”
Supporter: “Hm. That’s unfortunate. How long have you been feeling this way?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “About a month or so.”
Supporter: “Oh? How were things before that?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “Tough but I didn’t feel like I do now.”
Supporter: “And you’re certain it’s not a Bipolar swing? You know your emotions will warp when you get unwell.” (Soft)
Bipolar: “No, I don’t think so.”
Supporter: “Well, what if it is? How about you sit on those emotions for another few months or so? You know the Disorder can screw with your emotions pretty hard so just wait and see if any stronger symptoms develop. If you truly don’t love me anymore, then that won’t change. But if it’s a Bipolar swing then these feelings of disconnection may only be temporary. You know?” (Hard)

In this example, we use fact and reasoning to get our point across. Why do I beat the drum so loudly about “fact” and “reality”? Because facts don’t care how you feel about them. They simply are. Bipolar Disorder (and other mental illnesses) typically distort our interpretation of the facts by tainting them with beliefs and emotion. But, in the example, we are dealing with an emotional subject while not dealing with intangible emotions. Fact- the person is Bipolar. Fact- Bipolar Disorder screws with a person’s emotions. Fact- the person’s change of heart is relatively recent. Such a major change of heart that quickly could indicate an unwell period. A person’s emotions don’t typically 180 on a dime. It usually takes time and many shitty circumstances to shift emotions that drastically. Not so for an unwell Bipolar that can go from “I love you” to “Fuck you” over night.

*Strive To Make It The Bipolar Person’s Choice
It is very easy for a Bipolar (or Depressed) person to decide on any crappy course of action because they are incapable of giving it the appropriate consideration. That may range from an affair, to cutting, to just throwing away jobs. Additionally, their thoughts can take off and run away with them if they aren’t anchored to reality and repercussions in some way.

So what does this crap I’m alluding to mean exactly? Shit gets accomplished much more efficiently when compromise is on the table. Standing at either extreme and shouting at each other is essentially pointless busy work (take note Congress). However, you can make greater gains by stepping towards the middle and extending a hand out. You don’t have to necessarily agree with the other person’s opinion. It’s all about picking your battles, what you are capable of sacrificing, and what you refuse to budge on. I’m not suggesting that you roll over and be a doormat.

Why is this a good idea? It gives you a point to fall back to. No matter where the person’s mind goes or how much they want to argue- you offered to compromise and you can always fall back to that. If they refuse to follow through with the proposal or make a counter-offer; now you have “I offered to meet you half way but you refuse to meet me half way.”

Example:

Bipolar: “It’s always about blaming me and my mental illness! It’s never about you and what responsibility you share in it!”
Supporter: “Fair enough. What do you think I need to work on for our relationship?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “You’re always up my ass about everything. I can’t stand feeling so smothered.”
Supporter: “Alright. Well, I’ll work on giving you more space if you’ll talk to your doctor about the meds you decided to quit cold turkey.” (Hard)

In this example, it would be easy for the Supporter to fall into an argument with the Bipolar. Instead we employ a Soft counter that acknowledges the Bipolar’s feelings (even if they are skewed they are real to the Bipolar) that also gives us ammunition to work with. The exchange is wrapped up with a compromise that should suit whatever goal you are aiming for. The Hard reply sets out the conditions and puts the ball into the Bipolar’s court. Now, it becomes their choice and it provides the Supporter some leverage. Now the Supporter has “Don’t get mad at me, I agreed to do what you wanted if you would do the small thing I asked. That’s your choice.” to show the Bipolar that it is their choice- not yours.

*The Effects Of A “Soft” Approach
Both examples given above are partial conversations I’ve had and heard many times with people. Trying to hammer against a mentally ill person’s thought processes will only cause them to put up their walls and get angry (in most cases). At that point you aren’t going to get shit accomplished because now their mind is taking off and spinning the situation out.

Consider what would have happened if either introductory statement in the examples were greeted with anger. It probably would have devolved into a massive argument, fueled the unwell person’s mental illness, and introduced more chaos and instability. Take the time to measure your words before you respond. You can’t control what the other person thinks or feels; but you can control how you choose to respond to it.

Counter a Hard attack with a Soft redirection. Use your loved one’s energy to undermine their unwellness and help bring them back to a grounded state. This tactic also works pretty well with normal people. It not only opens the door for compromise but takes the need for you to be the sole person who sacrifices out of the equation.

These are but a couple of examples. If you need help figuring out a way to employ this methodology to a situation you’re in; drop me a comment or email with as much information about the situation as you can and we’ll see if we can get something figured out.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Self-Help

An Open Letter On Mood Disorder Warfare

Periodically I will write an open letter that is constructed to be shared with a relevant party. I do this for the loved ones of Bipolars and Depressives that don’t know what to say to the person struggling in their life. Here is one such piece.

Salutations. My name is Dennis, I’m 33, and I am a Type 2 Bipolar with Major Depression and High-Functioning Autism. I spent 15 years undiagnosed, have been in recovery for about 5, 7 suicide attempts, been through alcohol and drug abuse, lived in poverty, and have been kicked around by the system we all know and love. I spent a majority of my life feeling completely shitty about myself and life. And I’m sure you are undoubtedly asking yourself- “Why am I reading this asshole’s life story?” Well, someone that cares about you read this and felt it was relevant; so allow me to get to the point.

What do you call something that consistently destroys your life? That causes you to tear apart the things you care about? That destroys your livelihood and peace of mind? That jeopardizes your future and ability to conduct your life? Yes, I am talking about Bipolar Disorder and Depression but there is something else- an enemy. An enemy is someone that works to overcome and destroy you. An enemy is someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put you out if you were on fire. An enemy strives to deprive you of peace of mind, progress, and property. Some enemies can be rationalized with; irrational enemies must be fought.

Are you fighting the enemy in your mind or are you letting yourself be victimized by it? Are you fighting tooth and nail to stomp down your enemy and grind your boot in its throat? Or are you cowering in the corner hoping things will change on their own? They won’t. They will only get worse if you don’t fight for it to be better. And no- it’s probably not going to be pleasant. But when is fighting for something worthwhile ever pleasant?

And you can sit there and say- “This fucking asshole doesn’t know me or my life.” No, I don’t. I do, however, know Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I know that if you don’t stand, fight, and work against them that they will destroy you. This is one of the few facts that is applicable to any one of us. And I don’t want to hear any “Easier said than done” bullshit either. Everything is easier said than done! How about “It’s easier to do jack shit and fail than try and succeed”?

You deserve to be stable. You deserve to be happy. You deserve consistency and the ability to pursue what you want out of life. Yeah, you may have done terrible shit to people in the past because of what goes on in your head- we all have. But does that mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life? No! Everyone fucks up and has a different flavor of problems. Ours fucking suck and cause a lot of collateral damage but it’s not like we had a choice to be saddled with this bullshit.

But you do have a choice in how you view it. You have the choice to treat it like the enemy it is and fight it; or cower in a corner and hope it will go away. But it won’t just go away. That’s not the nature of the enemy. Stand up and fight. You’re not alone in it. There are other people fighting the same battles or hopefully some people in your life that still want to help you. But even if there isn’t and you’ve alienated everyone? That’s today and the past. Tomorrow will be better because you’re going to pick yourself up out of the corner and fight. But to win any fight, you need a strategy. These following points will provide you a rough outline of what you need to do.

1. Educate yourself on the enemy. Learn everything you can about the enemy and keep track of the things that resonate with you. Mental illness is a personal experience so advice and information you read may not be as relevant to you as another. Figure out what is, collect information.

2. Get help from mental health professionals. If they won’t listen to you, ignore you, or won’t answer your questions; find another one! Don’t punish yourself because some doctors are shitty at their jobs! You don’t hurt them any.

3. If you’re broke and need to go on meds; ask the doctor to try generics first. Several big box retailers offer $4 per month prescriptions on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and some antianxieties.

4. If a med isn’t working; talk to your doctor and tell them what’s going on. Be specific! Are you still manic? Are you still depressed? Having anxiety problems? Again, BE SPECIFIC. Do you know how you’ll know what’s wrong? Point 1 and what you’ve learned about the illness and how it affects YOU personally. Knowledge will give you power and leverage over your enemy.

Chances are decent that you’re reading this because someone feels that you act as though you’ve been defeated or let the enemy victimize you. But you’re not defeated or a victim if you do not let yourself be. It’s a war for control of your own mind. You’ll lose some battles. You’ll win some battles. If you keep pressing you will eventually win the war and be able to put your enemy in check. But you have to make the choice, stand up, say enough of this bullshit; and engage the enemy with the same ferocity it uses to attack you. If you don’t think you can do it- well, just look at what you’ve already survived up until this point. Don’t let yourself be a victim.

If you have questions- I’m only an email away.

Dennis

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping General

Bipolar Relationships, Fact, and Rationality

There is a tremendous challenge for Bipolars and their loved ones to identify unwell thinking. After awhile, it’s pretty easy to separate unwell thinking once you understand what you are looking for. Today, I’m going to share with you how I identify unwell thinking in myself and others. The approach I use relies on two simple points- fact and rationality. It is extremely difficult for folks to look past all of the emotion and turmoil to identify these two things. I’m not suggesting it is easy to remain rational when a loved one tells you they hate you out of the blue one day and they’ve decided to leave. It is a necessary skill to develop if one wants to function and survive a relationship with a Bipolar person.

What makes fact and rationality so powerful? Fact doesn’t care how you feel about it. It’s not subject to interpretation at the core. We humans tend to look at a fact and apply our own beliefs to it as we interpret it. Nowhere is this more apparent than the news. You can watch five different news broadcasts about the same story and wind up with five different approaches on it. Why? The caster is looking at the facts, interpreting them, and relating what they feel makes the story important to the viewer. The end result is a different recollection of each event. At the core of those recollection is one event that happened in a very specific way- the fact of the matter.

Bipolar Disorder is similar in that the illness warps what we are perceiving and twists it into our own reality. That reality is typically pretty far removed from the actual facts of the situation. So when a Bipolar person comes at you with something wildly different than the factual normal- you know something is awry in their mind. Let’s look at an example.

*John and Mary have had a mostly loving, healthy relationship for four years. Mary is Bipolar. John proposes and Mary accepts. A week later; she doesn’t want to marry John, tells him she hates him, and gives him the ring back. John is understandably hurt and upset. It is possible Mary’s actions are rational if she had not been sharing her genuine feelings all along. Assuming she has been, then they are completely irrational. It is not rational or normal to 180 from “I love you” to “I hate you” in the span of a week. What facts can we look at? An engagement is a pretty big step in a person’s life- it is reasonable to think it could act as a Bipolar trigger. Next, John should look at the week between the day of the engagement and the day of the break. What all occurred? How was Mary acting during that time frame? Was she her “normal” or was she demonstrating the symptoms that indicate a manic cycle?

You’ll note that during this process, feelings are not relevant. John is undoubtedly going to be hurt and confused. If you want to hack your way through the tornado of emotions that Bipolars typically have, one cannot get too wrapped up in their own emotional state at that point in time. I’m not suggesting it be ignored entirely. But if John wants to attempt to preserve his relationship he’s going to need to set his own feelings aside until Mary rebalances. Then the two of them can tackle his emotional turmoil.

Now there are a couple of different ways I use this approach to get into the person’s train of thought.

*If the person knows they are Bipolar and understands their mental illness…

I will relate the facts of the situation to them and ask them if they think this is a healthy thought process or one driven by the Disorder. “Mary, you know you’re Bipolar and your mind can take unhealthy directions. Are your feelings something that have been going on for awhile? Or are they fresh and relatively recent? You got engaged a week ago; is there any reason why you would not have agreed to marry John a month ago before that circumstance? If this newly found hatred is fresh…do you think it could be the result of an unwell cycle kicked off by the excitement of the situation?”

*If the person doesn’t necessarily know they are Bipolar or understand what’s going on in their head…

I will focus on facts and rationality. “So you hate John now? Why?” Assuming there is no rational reason, “That doesn’t seem rational to me. You were ready to marry him a week ago and now you hate him? Why do you think you had such a drastic change of heart in a matter of only a week? Perhaps you should take some time to think about the situation and find the root of the problem before breaking things off for good?”

Facts and rationality. If the two do not align, then there is likely an unwell thought process there. Now, for the folks that have a Bipolar in their lives who understands their Disorder, it is a much easier process. Talk to the person ahead of time and ask them if they will be okay with you asking them to look at their own thoughts and feelings to see if they are getting unbalanced when you suspect they may be.

I know I’m Bipolar. I know I’m periodically nuts. And I know that I don’t always pick up on it immediately even though I’m vigilant in trying to detect it. If someone I know and trust says “Hey Dennis, I think you’re getting unwell”, I will stop and look at my own thought processes and recent actions to see if I am or not.

Even though Bipolar Disorder causes one to make seemingly irrational choices, there is rationality in how unwell cycles develop and the Disorder functions.

The goal is to get the person to identify whether or not they are unwell. If they can, then you can take the next step of asking them not to make major decisions until they are rebalanced. If Mary still wants to break off the engagement, it can surely wait another month or so to give her time to rebalance and figure out her real feelings. Chances are pretty good that she will go back to being in love once her mind levels back off. That period of warped thinking is what destroys relationships, loses jobs, squanders savings, and all the other pleasant bullshit that goes along with being Bipolar.

The well party in the relationship can minimize their own pain and hurt by really learning their loved one’s Disorder and their symptoms. If my partner was Bipolar and she decides to bake until 3 in the morning for no reason other than “she wants to”; I’m pretty sure she’s either in or starting an escalated cycle. It’s not rational to stay up all night baking without a reason for it. So I would point that out to her and not to take her actions or words personally until I’m sure she had either rebalanced or ruled it out.

Rationality and fact are two principles that can be applied to anyone’s situation. You can use them to hack your way through the confusion that the Disorder sows in your life; whether you are a supporter or you’re Bipolar yourself.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping General

I Recently Fell In Love With This Great Person Who Mentioned They Are Bipolar But…

…now I don’t recognize the person and they are pushing me away. If this sounds familiar to you- then you may be one of the several people who have sent me a very similar comment or email. In most cases, it’s of a romantic subtext. What’s going on in that person’s mind? Can you help? How can you get it back?

A Bipolar who is intensely energetic, passionate to the point of it being too much, outgoing with no barriers, and filled with grand ideas for a future for the two of you is probably very manic. It just so happens that manic individuals come across as more charismatic and on point because their mind harbors no doubts on their behavior and is moving in overdrive. It is very easy for anyone to be enticed and grow deep emotions very quickly for a manic Bipolar if they don’t understand what’s going on and how damaging it is.

What does that mean for the people that fall for a Bipolar during a manic cycle? Probably being severely hurt. That overly energetic, far too passionate person is going to crash into deep depression. Chances are pretty good that any “feelings” they thought they had while manic are going to disappear when they crash out. You’re still confronted with getting to know an entirely different person in the event that they happen to retain some of those emotions. It’s probably not going to be the person you fell for initially.

Then the questions arise- what did I do wrong? How can I get that person I fell in love with back? You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s the normal ebb and flow of Bipolar Disorder. Exceptionally stupid people may try to put the blame on you; but a Bipolar’s emotions changing completely with a mood shift is as natural to us as breathing.

And what about getting that person back? You don’t want that manic person back. You see that frenetic, energetic, fearless mind that so enthralled your mind and emotions is also the same mind that will sell their stuff and fly to Paris tomorrow to start their new life. The manic mind is just as chaotic and destructive as the depressive mind. It’s not something you’ll want back because eventually it will bite you on the ass.

The reality is- you fell in love with just one fragment of that person. If you haven’t spent enough time with the person (a year+) then you probably haven’t experienced their “normal”- how they would be if medicated and managed properly.

But why won’t the person talk to you now? Why do they keep pushing you away and trying to isolate themselves? Well- what goes up must come down. If they are manic they will eventually crash into a deep depression. And a lot of people going through depression don’t want to deal or be around anyone. They may have also been diagnosed but not really understand why the things are happening in their head as they are. For many, it’s easier to avoid someone then try to explain to them how you could love them more than life itself one day and not care whether they were alive or dead the next.

A lot of Bipolar people simply cannot deal with this chaos particularly right after they crashed. The mind is in flux for a little while after a major cycle so they may also be trying to retreat to collect their thoughts so they can figure them out. They may also be reminded of all of their previous failures because of the chaos in their mind and not be able to cope with it at the moment.

Quite a few people want to put the blame on the Bipolar person. They think that the person is purposefully jerking them around or playing with their heart for no reason. While there are undoubtedly some assholes that probably do that- the people genuinely affected may be just as confused as you are. Take a moment to consider the person you’ve loved most in life and the person you’ve hated most in life. If you haven’t experienced true hatred before- think child molester level of hatred.

Now just imagine if you woke up tomorrow and you had a child molester level of hatred for the person you’ve loved most. No rhyme, no reason. It was nothing that person did. Your brain just woke up and decided “hey.. fuck that mother fucker.” That is similar to what you are dealing with in regards to a Bipolar crashing out of a mania and their “love” disappearing. It’s probably not vehement hatred; but chances are good it’s more along the lines of “I don’t know you.” or just not feeling anything for you at all.

The Bipolar that crashes and retreats is probably in a similar mentality. If the Bipolar crashes and wants to talk about it or try and involve you; that’s an entirely different story. Then the two of you can try to move forward together. If they retreat and continuously fight you; you’re probably going to be better off just letting go.

“But I need closure!” I’m no rocket surgeon, but to me, a person who claimed to love me but refused to talk to me for weeks seems like they are providing plenty of closure. Actions speak far louder than words. Why do people need to hear “this will never work” when they’ve already been shown it won’t?

So how can you identify if that special person you just met who said they are Bipolar, who you are falling for, and want to spend your life with is actually level enough to make that kind of judgment? Well- the world isn’t ending tomorrow. Take things plenty slow. The Bipolar person should have at least a bit of doubt or reservation about the whole thing. If they are talking grand plans of weddings, buy a house together, and so on within a couple months; I would be pretty hesitant to move forward on anything. If their personality is so striking, enamoring, more unique than anything you’ve experienced; that could very well be mania.

Go slow and take your time. Wait at least a year or two before entering anything major. That will give plenty of time for that person to crash back to baseline if they are going to. And for the love of God- don’t joint sign for ANYTHING. Keep your finances separate so they can’t clean you out should they decide to pursue their childhood dream of going to Hollywood to make it big. It can easily happen and they will think it is their best idea ever until they crash out of their unwell cycle and realize how drastically they fucked up.

And finally- there are those that have mentioned that mental illness is no excuse and they should be more responsible with their emotions and actions. Thank you for your incredible insight! You are an unrecognized innovator of mental health treatment and should definitely go before the WHO to put forward your idiotic ideas!

It’s “Mental Illness” and “Mood Disorder”; not “Mental Super Happy Fun Time”. Most of us do not like that we do serious damage to people we care about, that care about us, and our ability to live life. It fucking sucks knowing you tore the heart out of a loved one’s chest if you actually love that person. Even if you have everything under control as much as you possibly can, it is no guarantee of success or that you won’t end up backsliding and doing similarly terrible shit to people you care about.

That’s just life with Bipolar Disorder.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping General

Navigating Bipolar Disorder Thought Processes

I’ve recently seen an uptick in questions about deciphering the decision making process of Bipolar people. Today, I thought I would elaborate on some of my perceptions on how the decision making process works from my own mind and what I’ve seen dealing with a lot of people.

There is a kernel of truth at the root of most, if not all, Bipolar responses. Much like a legend, there is a fragment of truth that has a lot of fantasy built around it. That fantasy is pieced together in a logical (for a Bipolar person) way that may or may not reflect the reality of the situation. Let me use a few examples from my own life.

1. I once had a three week suicidal flat-spin because of a TV commercial. The commercial was about a father and son spending time together. The kernel of truth at the root of that unwell cycle was my guilt at not being there for my own son for about the first decade of his life. So my brain decided- you can’t have that, you can’t fix that, you fucked it up all, killing yourself is the only solution.

2. Being a High-Functioning Autistic; several of my emotional and social processes function very differently. Combine that with Bipolar Disorder and you wind up with some weird combinations. As I was growing up, no one else in my immediate family was mentally ill so I always had this perception of being the odd man out. When I was 15, I was screaming through insanity but internalizing it all because I thought it was “just a phase” or something I’d “get over”.

At that time, I experienced my first real love. However, I was also a HFA; so my emotional processes just worked differently. I didn’t know how to approach or talk to this girl, I didn’t know how to build a friendship with the idea of working towards a relationship, I understood none of these things because I was 15 and do not have many of the same processes that non-autistics do. Her subsequent rejection in combination with the mental isolation and the emergence of the Disorder threw me into a suicidal depression that ended in my only active suicide attempt when I put my father’s 9mm to my head and pulled the trigger.

At the very core of the issue was my misunderstanding of people, how they interacted, how they functioned, and how to function in their world. My brain concluded that since I didn’t fit with my family, my friends, and this person I felt so purely for rejected me- then I didn’t belong here. To me, that is the very root of that explosion. Logical- but entirely irrational and warped by insanity.

When I get emails or people asking questions- I’m always looking for the absolute root of what caused the problem. Without understanding that how can anyone really expect to make meaningful gains? I defused the two examples I cited through educating myself and correcting them. My guilt is less in regards to my son because we interact and visit at least somewhat regularly now. As for relationships; well I’ve still bombed plenty of those but I studied how you HU-MANS conduct them, interact, and worked to remedy or adapt my own deficiencies in those areas.

Having identified those roots I am also able to tell when the Disorder is screwing with my perception of them. I know what the truth and reality is so if my thought processes depart too far from there then I know something is up.

As a supporter, it is so easy to take things personally and feel like you did something wrong when your friend or loved one inevitably implodes. They will. That’s life being Bipolar. The most important thing to keep in mind is rationality. Are the actions of your loved one rational? Do they make sense given the context of the situation? You have the benefit of having a clear mind so you must exercise it to ensure that you aren’t over-exerting yourself in the process. You have your own life, mind, and responsibilities to take care of. Your loved one may want all the best for you but not be able to provide it because yunno- insanity and all.

The key to getting through these periods is open communication and the truth. The truth doesn’t care about how you feel about it. It simply is. Diverting a person’s mind and keeping it focused on the truth and other avenues in a situation is the way to go. “Okay, you lost a job. Tomorrow, you can start looking for a new one. It’s not a reason to drink yourself into a coma or go “confront” your former boss. Let it go, find a new job.”

And in my experience, you usually have to just keep chipping away and refocusing the person’s thoughts towards what the reality is. If you find yourself stumbling through it; just get them through the moment. Tomorrow is another day. “If it’s such a great idea now, it still will be tomorrow or a week from now.” Many destructive decisions made while unwell are the result of a single impulse. You may not be able to knock them out of the unwell period but you can help them avoid making insane decisions in the moment that will fuck their life up.

What if they clam up and go completely silent on you? Well, you’re at a major disadvantage. If you confront, you’re probably not going to win an argument with the person because their brain will just be warping your motivation and words. So long as the person isn’t being threatening to himself or others; it is best to back off and let the person work through their cycle. If you’re the source of it, then your trying to contact or talk to that person is just fueling the fire. Sometimes you have to be able to take a step back and just wait.

Encourage the person to seek professional help or talk to their doctor as soon as possible. As always, anything extreme like suicidal or violent threats should be dealt with by emergency personnel.

I’m going to make this blanket statement to everyone that does their best to love or care about a mentally ill person; and the people that have been burned by we, the nutcases. You’re good people for actually giving a shit. Regardless of whether you think you fucked up or caused an unwell cycle or whatever; you actually care. A lot of people couldn’t give less of a shit if we were alive, dead, or locked away in some asylum of yesteryear chained to a sink.

So don’t be too down on yourself or feel guilty if things don’t go perfectly. You’re not perfect and neither are we. All we can do is the best that we can.

And to those that had to walk away- it’s alright and I can’t say I blame you. Doing what I do here, there are people I’ve had to distance myself from because they were toxic and perfectly content to wallow in their own misery. It’s unfortunate, but it happens.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Self-Help

Bipolar Disorder: A Reason Or An Excuse?

We, the nutcases, often struggle to come to terms with the person we are while unwell versus the person that is masked by the mental illness. As we struggle for understanding in ourselves it is very difficult to project the internal struggle to those around us. It’s hard to see that a lot of times we don’t even understand what drove our thought processes. All we can do is sweep up the ashes and hope we don’t lose too much in the process.

That brings me to the topic. A reason? Or an excuse? In my experience- quite a few normals I’ve dealt with see mental illness as an excuse. They have been treated like garbage by someone who was severely unwell or just didn’t give a shit- someone who used their Disorder as an excuse to do so. Since that is their personal experience, they tend to cling to that to ensure they don’t wind up as collateral damage in future interactions with the mentally ill.

In this situation- an excuse to me implies that the person does not want to accept that anything may be wrong or they know something is wrong but milk it for all it’s worth. These people will typically break it out as an excuse to try and seek asylum for any number of their shitty behaviors. “Oh well, I’m Bipolar so I didn’t have control over my actions.” or “Can you loan me money? I can’t hold a job.” And then proceed to do absolutely nothing to remedy the situation.

It is alright to have compassion for people, even manipulative assholes. However; compassion doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be victimized either. You can care about someone and still not put up with their bullshit. “You can stay here, but you either need to be trying to get on Disability or at least trying to work a part-time job.” “What’s the money you’re ‘borrowing’ from me going for? Specifically. If it’s medication, electrical bill, or something like that- fine. If you’re buying liquor or bullshit with it- then we’ll have a problem.”

What constitutes a reason? It’s actually very simple. Can the person take responsibility for their actions even if they don’t understand them? Responsibility means apologizing, trying to pay for the damages if you can, and doing what you need to. Take responsibility for your unwell actions as much as you can. Some people will be able to forgive you- others won’t. That’s just an unfortunate part of our existence.

And I would like to clarify a point. When I suggest an apology- I am not advocating apologizing for being mentally ill. NEVER apologize for being mentally ill. It’s not your fault. You have no control over the hand you were dealt- but you can choose how to play it. What I’m talking about is apologizing for hurting that person you care about. Nuts or not, no one wants to feel as though their feelings are given no consideration. Apologize for the pain, apologize for screwing things up for that person, apologize because you care about whatever you inflicted on that person.

I usually use something to the effect of- “I am sorry for XYZ action. I was unwell when I did it and I really thought I was doing the right/correct thing. If I can make it up to you; please let me know. Unfortunately, I’ll probably end up doing something just as insane in the future. That’s life as a Bipolar sometimes.”

A normal that says it’s only an excuse for shitty behavior has often been hurt badly by someone in their past, so arguing is rarely productive. I use something to the effect of- “I’m sorry for whatever you went through to have caused you to draw that conclusion. But I’m not like that. I take my meds, I fight for my wellness and to understand, and I take responsibility for my bullshit when it erupts. I know I’m Bipolar- and I don’t deny or fight that realization. I do everything I can to manage it. If ever there comes a time I treat you like that- tell me I’m being an insane asshole. There’s a good chance I just haven’t yet realized I’m unwell.”

The important thing is to stay calm. Some scenarios I’ve seen where this is the case is a person who was badly abused by an unmedicated Bipolar parent or someone with an unchecked Bipolar spouse who utterly destroyed their peace of mind and life. In either case, you won’t win an argument with them. You just have to give them the fuel for thought to show that we’re all individuals and can’t be lumped together. Frankly, it’s identical to racial stereotyping. It’s a physical difference that is assumed to bind us all into a stereotype. Black, brown, white, mentally ill- all are physical differences. Ours is just invisible.

So for those of you that are wondering whether it is an excuse or a reason- it all boils down to responsibility- if you take no responsibility for your wellness or trying to find it, walk all over others and think you’re exempt from their anger, or act like a shithead because “you’re mentally ill”. You’re just making excuses as a false victim. You have the power to change your life for the better; even if that means trying med combinations for years, dragging yourself to appointments you don’t want to go to, or taking the first step to acknowledge that you’re broken- just like me and several others in this world. You’re not alone, even if you think you are.

And if you cross paths with one of these people that make it harder on all of us- call them on their bullshit. The normals may not know how to handle a person like that but we do. It is typical to return to a point where we are finally able to feel sorrow and bad about what we did to the people we care about. If you reach that point- own up to it. If you reach that point and say fuck it- then you’re a selfish asshole for making things harder on the people that care about you and those of us who do.

That is something we should all be angry about.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
Coping Other Self-Help

A Few Misconceptions Of Psychiatric Medication #Bipolar #Depression

I spend a significant amount of time talking about psychiatric medication because I run into so many people that have drastic misconceptions about it, its applications, and how to best find success with it. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to use psych medication to try and get stable. What’s important is that you are making an informed choice about it. My personal opinion is that it is impossible to get control over Bipolar Disorder without it. Yes- a person can minimize the impact of unwell periods through natural means. I have never heard of anyone being able to eliminate the cycles altogether, with data to back it up, through non-medication means.

-There is a fuse on explosive situations.
Due to my living openly with Bipolar Disorder, I get pulled aside by quite a few people for a few quick words. A lot of those encounters have to do with a friend or loved one who was on a psych medication and ended up killing themselves. I’ve ran into Bipolars who did not want to take psych meds because they had a relative who killed themselves while on it or had a friend who preached the evils of it.

Every time I hear one of these stories my mind is flooded with questions. Was the person drinking/doing drugs while on it? Were they taking it as directed? Did they contact their doctor if they are having problems? Did they try and quit cold turkey? All of these things can possibly have devastating repercussions.

A person starting a new psychiatric medication knows they are going into a potentially dangerous situation. Therefore, you need to take precautions to ensure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Stop and analyze your moods a couple times a day as you start taking it. If it is making you worse- CALL YOUR DOCTOR. It really is that simple. A person that slits their wrists isn’t doing it because of the pills they took 5 minutes before. It can be fast but there is plenty of time to catch dangerous mental shifts if you are paying attention and monitoring your thoughts.

-A Bipolar person will likely be on psychiatric medication for the rest of their life.
“I started feeling better so I stopped taking it.” “I only take it when I don’t feel well.” “I won’t have to be on it that long, will I?”

Yes, yes you will. Bipolar Disorder is for life. When you get well from taking the medication, you MUST continue taking the medication if you want to retain your stability. The medication replaces chemicals or stimulates processes in your mind that it normally lacks- which is the physical reason behind the drastic mood shifts of the Disorder.

I’m pretty sure that most of us have a story of when we decided we didn’t need medication anymore and stopped taking it. It’s a great way to cause chaos in your mind on an unprecedented scale. If you’re well- do yourself and your loved ones a favor and keep taking the meds. Yes, it sucks to be shackled to it the rest of your life. But if it’s any consolation, look at your life up until that point and decide if you want to go back to that or take some pills every day? Bring on the pills!

-There are affordable medications out there to get Bipolar Disorder under control.
A significant portion of the people I talk to about Bipolar Disorder are either broke as shit or are on their way to broke as shit. When I provide people with information or advice, I want to ensure they are getting useful information they can implement and use for an extended period of time without too much of a burden on themselves. I know there are plenty of times in my life that I couldn’t afford 100+ bucks a month for medication and I don’t assume others can either.

So! Below you will find a list of generic medications available from the Wal-Mart pharmacy (or check your local pharmacies/big box retailers to see if any of them have generic programs) that are $4 for 30 days. Generics are simply meds that are no longer in their patent period which is what commands the high prices of name brand medications as the company tries to recoup their development investment and turn a profit. A lot of times it’s the same company that originally held the patent that produces them.

When you deal with your doctor- ask for a generic equivalent if possible. You have to be proactive about being informed. Doctors don’t regularly monitor pharmacy prices.

Citalopram – Celexa – Antidepressant
Fluoxetine – Prozac – Antidepressant
Amitriptyline – Sarotex – Antidepressant
Nortriptyline – Sensoval – Antidepressant
Paroxetine – Paxil – Antidepressant
Trazodone – Trazodone – Antidepressant

Lithium Carbonate – Lithium – Mood Stabilizer
Carbamazepine – Tegretol – Mood Stabilizer

Fluphenazine – Antipsychotic

I presently take Lithium Carbonate and Citalopram. I tried Fluoxetine but it didn’t do a damned thing for me. Lithium is the gold standard of mood stabilizers and has been in use as one since about 1950. It works really well for a lot of people and is the standard to which all new mood stabilizers are held.

I typically do not “recommend” anything. My usual advice is just keep trying things until something works because your brain chemistry is unique to you. Just because something works for me doesn’t mean a damned thing for you at all. However, Lithium is the exception as it has decades of data behind it. If you need an affordable mood stab, I recommend researching and inquiring with your doctor about lithium carbonate. It can potentially have some very severe side effects and isn’t a good choice for people with high blood pressure or heart problems. Do your research on any medication you put into your body. Pharmacies give you fact sheets, ask your doctor, ask your pharmacist, whatever.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
General

An Interview On Spirituality

So about a week or so ago, I was approached by a woman who wanted to ask some questions about her Bipolar friend and felt I would be an interesting contribution to a pet project of hers- “You, Me, and Religion”. The project is essentially a collection of interviews from people she found interesting or were of varying faiths.

I went ahead and participated because spirituality is something I think about quite a lot but I really don’t talk about too much. I don’t feel like my spiritual thoughts are relevant in how other people get well so I tend to keep most of them separate.

Anyway, here’s a link to my interview on Debra’s page!

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!


Categories
General

Just A Bit Of Rambling About Me And My Interview

Okay, just a quick announcement. I created myself a secondary admin account with just the name Dennis. I always meant to use only my name and no aliases with this website and project; but I’m a moron and initially set it up with my long-time handle of Grimm. So from here on out, expect to see me as Dennis instead…which should be obvious but hey.

*     *     *     *     *

As many of you folks know, I don’t typically just ramble a lot in these blog posts. I prefer to keep things useful. Today is going to be a bit different because I want to share with you all some of the goals I’m working towards with being Bipolar and putting the pieces of my existence back together.

I’ve mentioned many times that I want to work in Peer Support. For those of you that don’t know, Peer Support utilizes people that have recovered from mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction who are then trained and put to work helping people still on that road. Part of the reason I started this website in the first place was to demonstrate to a potential future employer my dedication to this cause. I’ve put many loving hours into creating this content, answering your comments, and emails. And let me tell you- I am so appreciative of those of you that have extended your trust to me with some of the difficulties you’ve faced- whether you be the loved one of or a person with mental illness yourself.

The interview I had today was with a gentleman with a Non-Profit that was about an hour and a half of general discussion about mental health, my opinions, my views, and so on. It is my hope to land a paying position doing this type of work so that I can devote more of my time and energy to it without having to work a “normal” job- if you can consider freelance marketing/writing normal!

I hope to mesh well if I am picked up by this NPO. I realize I’m going to have to adopt a more public friendly presentation as a representative of any company really. I may have had a couple dozen jobs; but I tried hard to do the best for who I worked for until my brain exploded. One sticking point for a lot of people is cursing. I’ve been advised- pretty much only by my mother- that I should curb that in these posts to make them friendlier and more appealing. The fact of the matter is I use it judiciously when it will make the most impact to the reader. I use it as a way to make things stand out starkly so the reader understands you’re entering new territory. And periodically just because that’s how I speak and I don’t believe in “bad words”. The intention behind its use is what makes it bad or not.

Probably the best example is the way I explain how manic thinking can run away from an unwell Bipolar. “Why isn’t she picking up her phone or answering? I texted three times, called twice. What is she doing? I bet she’s fucking someone else. That bitch is always fucking checking out my friend. I’m going to cut them both to pieces!”

And one thing I see from normals a lot is the desire to sugarcoat mental illness. But it’s not soft or easy. It’s violent, destructive, and painful not only for the person suffering it but for their loved ones. Frankly, if the word fuck or being called a cocksucker bothers you- you’re going to have a hell of a time dealing with the strange and dark shit that is just a normal part of being mentally ill. I never want the people I deal with to hide that from me. I always want them to speak exactly what’s on their mind no matter how dark, profanity laden, or painful it may be. When I’m dealing with someone, I NEED to know what’s going on in their mind so I can formulate an appropriate strategy and possibly pick up on things that others missed- which has happened on more than a few occasions.

So yeah. It’s a strange line to try and walk. On the one hand, I want to enter a professional environment. On the other hand, I’m not a professional. I’m a recovered mental patient who could have just as easily wound up dead in the ghetto. No matter where my goals and journey into the professional world take me; I don’t ever want to lose that perspective. I feel that perspective is why people open up to me.

Today, I also got to discuss a couple of projects and things I’ve been working on that I don’t think I’ve really mentioned to you all. So I figure now is as good of a time as any to tease them.

1. First E-Book is in progress! I’ve had a lot of folks ask me if I ever thought about writing a book and trying to get published. The answer to that used to be yes. I have since decided that I do not want to go that route. I will offer my E-Book(s) through my website (and whatever other electronic mediums I can) on a “Pay What You Want” format. Visitors will be able to download the works for free and contribute if they want to (or are able). I know from personal experience that being nuts makes one very broke.

My first work is Friendships and Relationships with Bipolars (working title; I realize it sucks). I’m about 60 pages in on my first draft at the moment. My goal with it is to enable Bipolars to better communicate to their loved ones what’s going on and how to help them; and give sort of a guide book to interpreting the actions and thought processes of Bipolars for normals. No idea how long it’ll end up. I write things until they’re done. Not a word more, not a word less. Probably going to be a few months.

2. Forex! What is forex you ask? Foreign Currency Exchange. It is the market in which currencies change hands between banks, governments, traders, and all manners of individuals. I came across forex trading about two years ago when a client of mine asked me to write a bunch of economics articles for him. I soon recognized the potential. It is a discipline that only takes a few bucks to get started. You can learn everything relating to trading for free. And strategies range from overly complex to relatively simple.

The strategy I settled on is fairly simple. It’s mostly pattern recognition and comparing certain market conditions. I have an 8 point checklist where if all of them come up then I know there is a profitable opportunity to trade. My hope is to boil this down to a simple system and provide it as a master document to people interested in learning. It’s by no means a get rich quick thing. It requires work to do well at. But, it is VERY accessible and could easily be learned by folks with physical disabilities, senior citizens, or people like me who have recovered.

Money is power after all. Everyone deserves to be able to afford their meds and food. And when I lived in the ghetto, I met many people that were trapped in poverty. Welfare doesn’t pay enough to provide the means to get out of it and there isn’t enough well paying jobs that are accessible to the lower educated. I think forex can make the lives of quite a few people much better and empower them. Just going to take some work to make it accessible.

So yeah, that’s just a bit about what’s been on my mind and my plans moving forward. Regardless of whether I do get picked up by this NPO; I will continue to work on this website and answer all of your comments and emails as I get them. I’ve had the privilege of meeting a lot of great, interesting people since I started this website. 🙂 Thank you for being a part of it.

button-facebook-join-me

Subscribe to have blog posts and news delivered straight to your Inbox!