Tag: mood disorder

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Coping General

Mood Disorders and Emotions: WTF Is My Loved One Thinking!?

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Many of the emails and messages I receive are from loved ones trying to figure out WTF their loved one is thinking or actually feeling. Today, I’m going to share with you the process I use to try and decipher these thoughts and feelings so perhaps you can apply it in your life. Before I dive into this, I would like to remind you that there are no absolutes when it comes to mental illness and the human mind. These are just the things I’ve come to understand through my own studies and observations in dealing with people and myself. Your mileage (or kilometerage) will vary.

So let’s get into this…

1. Identify the potential trigger or stressor.
The first step I take is to identify the potential trigger point for that person that launched their instability. This is normally something that will stand out starkly- a loved one’s death, moving, losing a job, heated arguments, major frustration. The point of ignition will often be something that would be stressful to a normal person. A mood disorder will take a stress like that and rocket them into unwellness.

I’m not going further into triggers in this post because I’ve already written about them in-depth. You can find more information on mood disorder triggers from my point of view via the link.

2. Identify what they thought and felt about the subject BEFORE the triggering event.
My next step is to ascertain how the person felt and thought about a particular subject before the triggering event; even if it is just the day before their unwell cycle started. That is the truest measure of their emotional state and thoughts on the subject, assuming they don’t have other factors relating to mental illness in play. I aim to get a large segment of information from the person I’m talking to so I can see their overall perspective.

I feel like many couples and loved ones are at a disadvantage in this. I have met so many “happy” and “unhappy” couples who have secrets hidden away from one another. Their genuine thoughts and feelings aren’t explored with their loved one and it puts them at an automatic disadvantage because they do not have the entire truth of the matter.

3. Throw out everything that’s happened from that triggering event to present.
That triggering event unleashed a flood of warped thoughts, negative emotions, and you know.. mental illness. You can’t put absolute faith in anything that person thought or felt since the start of their unwell cycle. Now, there are plenty of people who retain lucidity and somewhat accurate thought. It depends on the person, the severity of the illness, the severity of their cycle, their real life stresses; and probably a hundred other things.

What you are looking to eliminate is extremely unusual or uncharacteristic behavior from the equation. Let me give you an example we will work with. (And this is not based on anyone, this is just one of the things I see on a regular basis. If it seems familiar to you, it’s because it happens to a lot of people.)

James is a Bipolar, devoted family man. The couple has been married 8 years, with typical relationship bumps, but nothing too drastic has occurred between the two. Then James is laid off from career. Now he has the anger and sadness of losing his career, the anxiety of how he’s going to help support his family, and the realization that he is essentially back to square one in his life.

James’s mind escalates as he lays awake at night, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how he’s going to pay bills and the rent. The lack of sleep fuels the mania and his mental shift gets worse. He picks fights for any reason over anything, is behaving erratically, and sometimes frighteningly.

Then he gets a call from an ex-gf from years passed that things were unresolved with. He looks at his wife, his life, and his current misery and decides that he is entirely unhappy with it; not realizing that his unhappiness is blown out of portion by the mania. James’s decision making is entirely impaired, fueled by the erratic nature of manic thinking, overwhelming emotions, and general instability.

His unwell mind jumps to the conclusion that losing his career and hearing back from this ex must have been a sign. James feels good when he’s talking to the ex because he’s not being constantly reminded of his job loss and the anxiety surrounding it. In looking at his wife, he sees her concern and worry; not only over their living situation, but in the erratic way that he’s been behaving. She starts to pull away because she doesn’t know what to make of the situation or understand how to help her husband.

Just the sight of his wife becomes a visual trigger; a reminder of his failures as a husband, in his career, to his children. Being around her makes him worse, but he’s around her all the time because he’s now unemployed.

James interprets this as a sign of the relationship breakdown, he decides that he must not love her anymore since his “feelings” for his ex are still so strong; again, not realizing that those feelings are just a figment of his unwell cycle. He feels guilty, and throws himself into lavishing attention and love on her in the hopes of revitalizing whatever spark got them started in the first place.

A few days later, he wakes up and realizes that it’s all for naught. He “loves” his ex-gf and leaves his wife, stating that she brings him nothing but misery and anguish. James doesn’t understand that he needs to be the one to manage how he feels about what he’s seeing in his wife. She’s scared, concerned, withdrawn; instead of exploring why, he jumps to the conclusion that she must be getting ready to leave him first. So fuck that bitch. James leaves his family and moves in with the ex.

This goes on for awhile. James comes in and out of his family’s life as he tries to spend time with his kids. His kids are pulling away and withdrawing because they have no idea what the fuck is going on in their father’s head. So they’re scared and concerned as well. James decides that his wife MUST be turning them against him, further fueling the mania and spinning him out further. His hatred for his wife grows. He screams at her, calls her cunt, maybe even harasses her at her work place to try and hurt her the same way she’s been hurting him. And attacking him through the kids? That’s just fucking unacceptable.

This transpires over the course of months. Almost a year later, James may have finally been hospitalized or maybe his brain just couldn’t keep up with the mania anymore. His unwell brain crashes hard.

So how does James actually feel? James spent 8 years building a life with his wife with mutual love and respect. The trigger, the ignition point, was when the severe unwell thinking started. The unwell thinking is twisted reality and flat out lies that your brain tells you is absolutely true. And if you trust your brain, you’ll follow through on it. Bipolars that don’t understand their mental illness or are undiagnosed do not have the perspective they need to KNOW that they CAN NOT trust their brain after they trigger.

James looks around this ex-gf’s place that he’s now shacked up with; and it all hits him like a tidal wave. His emotions drop back to a similar state as they were before the unwell cycle. In love with his wife, happy with his kids; even though things weren’t always perfect. But now, James is in the darkest part of the Disorder. The part where I suspect most of us end up losing their battle.

What goes up, must come down. And when you’re that high up, you come down HARD into a deep, black, murky abyss of depression where there is no light, no hope, no love. Nothingness. Just the void. And in that weak moment when James is looking back on what he destroyed? He can’t live with what he did to his wife, kids, and to himself. So he picks up a steak knife and slits his wrist.

Maybe James is lucky and gets found before he is too far gone to save. Maybe he’s successful. Or maybe he makes it through the dark spot without the suicide attempt. Perhaps he tries to go back to his wife, apologizing profusely with no idea how to explain what was going through his head or why. But all she can do is cry because she has no idea who the man is she is now looking at. Is it the monster or is it the loving husband?

Can she trust him? What’s he thinking? What’s he feeling? Who is he, even? Will this happen again? What can she do about it? What can he do about it? Can the relationship be recovered? Is the trust completely destroyed? Is the marriage gone?

So many questions, so many stresses; so much potential for another unwell cycle.

Author’s Note: So much for a short post, that James story really started pouring out of my subconscious. Like he was sitting in the back of my brain, telling it to me. Anyway…

4. So what is my Bipolar loved one actually thinking when they’re unwell?
The short answer is that it doesn’t matter. You cannot trust your unwell loved one’s thoughts while they are unwell. Period. At all. That doesn’t mean to accuse them of lying or think they are always trying to manipulate you; but if things don’t add up logically in your mind or appear extremely erratic, chances are pretty good that they are the product of unwell thought processes.

Does that make the actions the person takes while unwell acceptable? No. It doesn’t. No one should just put up with an abusive environment. Unwell people can do awful things that are completely out of character for them across the spectrum of abuse.

As a third party, your being able to identify those thought processes can be extremely helpful to a Bipolar person who understands the way the Disorder affects their thinking. And most importantly for the third party, it can let them know when not to take the Bipolar person’s words and actions to heart.

James’s wife would be perfectly justified in leaving him for his actions; for hating him for what he did to their family. And that’s the way it goes for quite a number of people because normals just can’t wrap their heads around how a person can completely turn around on their emotions, thoughts, and beliefs like that. That’s because it’s not normal; it is a product of mental illness.

Is it right? Is it wrong? It doesn’t matter. It’s mental illness. It is what it is.

5. How can I use this information?
One of the most spoken pieces of advice I give to loved ones of mentally ill people is to learn to control your emotions. It is an essential skill to not only keeping your stress levels low, but in being able to keep a clear enough head to try and navigate your way through the other person’s unwell thoughts to try and anchor them back to the ground. It also helps a shitload in every day life to deal with difficult customers, clients, or coworkers.

If you’re calm and collected, not wondering “what the fuck?”; you can calmly point out that… “Hey, you remember you’re Bipolar right? So maybe it’s an unwell thought process want to sell your car to fund a vacation to England while you’re unemployed?”

A supporter shouldn’t be surprised if the person waffles back and forth between “I love you, let’s get married” and “I hate you, I can’t ever speak to you again” in the span of a week. That is stereotypical Bipolar emotions and thoughts.

How does that person really feel? Well, you look back before the triggering point. That is likely the closest point to their genuine thoughts and feelings you’re going to get. While they are in the midst of their unwell cycle, you should be nudging them to seek professional help or keep up on their meds if they decided they didn’t need them. (Which again, happens all the time.)

Do not get caught up in what their emotions are at this moment. Think big picture. These kinds of erratic fluctuations are just par for the course for an unwell mind.

6. But what if I can’t find a triggering point?
In my experience, a majority of triggering points are fairly blatant. That doesn’t mean they all are. A great example of this is your sense of smell. Smell can kick up powerful changes in the body. Consider the way fresh popcorn makes you hungry or perhaps catching a whiff of a scent that is associated with something specific in your history that floods back memories. See where this is going?

My second ex-Fiancee loved lavender. Lavender body wash, shampoo and conditioner; lavender everywhere. After we parted ways, if I’d catch a whiff of lavender, all of those memories would just come flooding back and slam me like a tidal wave; trying to throw me into a deeper depression. Bipolar Disorder just latched onto that and tried to go running with it. And it sucked worst of all because it was typically in a public place, like a store. So now, I’m standing in the middle of a grocery store fighting back this depressive wave, using activate management mental skills while moving hastily away from where I caught a whiff; or simply leaving my cart and walking out.

And like so many people, I coped with rum. Lots and lots of rum.

The Bipolar person may not have any idea why they triggered. Maybe it was catching a glimpse of someone who looked like their mother who passed away a few months ago, maybe it was the scent of cologne their sexual abuser wore, maybe it was something as innocent as lavender. ANYTHING that has a deep emotional tie can potentially kick off an unwell cycle.

Should that happen, you just have to look back to a point when they were functioning normally for them to try and find their baseline.

7. How do I use this knowledge to my benefit?
– Mentally Ill – You HAVE to learn how your mental illness affects YOU. That means learning everything you possibly can about it and figuring out what applies to you. No one can do that but you; not doctors, therapists, loved ones, kids, parents, whatever. YOU have to do it for YOU; because you’re the only one that knows your innermost vulnerabilities. And you can do it. If I could do it through years of serious to suicidal depression; you can do it too.

You need someone you can trust to bounce things off of for a clear perspective. If you don’t have anyone around you that you can trust like that, look into a support group. And yes, I know, “I don’t like talking about my problems”. Yeah, I’ve heard it a thousand times. Would you like to deal with a few minutes of social discomfort (not anxiety, keep reading) or would you like to deal with sweeping up the ashes of a six month long manic bender? I fully believe that peer support groups are one of the best ways to have balance and not feel like you’re burdening the people that care about you. You’re dealing with other people just like you; and you’re providing your insight, experience, and help in a meaningful way to those people too.

For those of you with social anxiety (yeah I didn’t forget about you), look for a decent community forum. The best one I’ve found is the one at www.dbsalliance.org . You can anonymously post your thoughts and get feedback from multiple people. Or, you can always email me.

Always remember- just because your brain is screaming at you that this is the best idea you’ve ever had; it doesn’t mean that it is or that you have to follow through with it.

– Supporters – You have to learn to not dwell in the moment. Yes, your unwell loved one is going to say and do some shitty things probably. That’s why it’s a mental illness and not mental super happy fun time. If you can retain your perspective and keep your emotions calm, you can work to minimize the collateral damage that will occur from the unwell cycle.

Encourage the person to get in to see their medical professional or seek help in the first place, if they have not.

You can also utilize an active management technique of distraction. The more the Bipolar person dwells on unwell thoughts, the more fuel they are throwing into the fires. Work to keep them distracted off of those thought processes so they don’t have a chance to really take hold and launch. That can be as simple as “hey let’s go to lunch” or throw in a funny movie to take their mind off of whatever they are dwelling on.

The important thing is- do not get wrapped up in the here and now. They will probably have fifty different opinions by the time the cycle actually ends.

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Categories
Depression Self-Help

On Bipolar-Depression And Life Decisions…

Different people experience Bipolar Disorder in different ways. In my case, I’m a Type 2 Bipolar who spends a majority of his time in relatively functional depression. That has been my baseline since I was a teenager with regular dips into non-functionality.

So a few days ago, November 17th, I turned 35. About a month before that I found a document that was a 2013 report on the career I wanted to pursue for my state. I knew that the role I wanted to pursue was new and uncommon; but I did not think it was “only 150 people doing it in the entire state” new and uncommon. That kind of low existence isn’t really a career choice; it’s more like a craps shoot.

In years past, this would have been a trigger into morbid or suicidal depression. Today, I know how to handle that thanks to what I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There’s a window between the time the Bipolar person triggers and the destination they will wind up at. I know that I need to minimize the impact of my thoughts in that trigger window. I do that by forcing myself to not think or dwell about the circumstance unless I absolutely have to. In this case, realizing that it would be completely retarded for me to sink the time and effort into developing a career that only 150 people perform was the trigger.

Every time it would pop into my mind, I would force my mind somewhere else. I would distract myself with music I could really get into, talking or immersing myself in the struggles of other people, or video games. It took a few days, but eventually my mind felt like it reached the plane it was supposed to be at. The chaotic fluctuations were more muted and the waters seemed to have calmed. After that point, I was able to think about it with a clearer mind.

It still kicked me towards the depressive side; but no suicidal or self-destructive thoughts. I didn’t fall as far as I would have had I just jumped on those emotions of experiencing a set-back. This is an invaluable skill to develop if you’re Bipolar or Depressive. Do not just jump on your emotions when you hit an emotional experience. Does it always work out so neat and clean? No. It doesn’t. I fuck it up from time to time or it’s something I can’t put off; that I absolutely have to take care of. But when I am successful it makes things so much easier.

That initial slam of the trigger is the hardest part to work with. I’ve still had to deal with the periodic waves from needing to think about it and dealing with this monkey-wrench in my plans. I shout it down in my mind with the mantra I embraced when I was diagnosed; “swim or die”. Is it the end of my world? No. It’s not. Things rarely go as you plan them in life. I just have to keep swimming and find another way to accomplish my long-term goals.

My birthday was bittersweet and is often time for reflection. A year ago November 17th, my grandmother passed away. I grew up living across the street from her for most of my early life and when I was living with my folks as an adult. I love her dearly but I just don’t feel the loss like I know my family did. I attribute that to the logic from my autism overriding my emotions. She was obviously an older woman, 89 if I remember correctly, who had been experiencing kidney problems. It wasn’t surprising to me that a chain of events stemming from that could end with her passing.

I think that this understanding is why her death didn’t trigger me. I understood far ahead of time that old people + kidney problems = bad. I didn’t spend time wondering why or grieving the fact that she was gone because my brain knew that old people + kidney problems = bad.

I do think that it might have had a much more negative impact on me had it happened out of the blue; like a heart attack or aneurysm. That probably would have kicked me into a shitty depressive cycle because I had no time to get acclimated.

But, the discovery that my career of choice was actually 150 instead of maybe a couple thousand? That came out of nowhere and tried to slam me pretty hard.

People who deal with depression will be able to relate to this sentiment. For most of my life I couldn’t picture having a future because my present was mired in depression. When you’re severely depressed, everything just sort of blends together and becomes irrelevant. Why should I take care of myself? I don’t matter. Why should I plan for a future? I probably won’t be there anyways.

I spent about 20 years; from about 13 to 33, wrestling with these thoughts. My dad constantly jokes that he never thought he would make it to old age because of the life he led. I would often make the same type of joke, “I won’t make it to old age”; but I left off the rest of my thought. That thought being “I won’t make it to old age because I’m pretty sure I’ll end up killing myself long before then”.

But now, now I have a different reality. I found purpose and a deep sense of self-fulfillment in helping other people. That was not a thought that ever crossed my mind when I thought I was just a broken piece of shit. Sure, I would try to be there for a friend or something if they needed it. As for strangers? My depressive thoughts for the longest time were “you don’t give two shits if I’m alive or dead so fuck you too”; even if completely unfounded.

So I’m 35, turned an important corner a couple years ago in coming to terms with myself and what I have to offer the world. I’m 35, trying to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life to be self-sufficient, to help people, to not lose my own war with Bipolar Disorder. And I am now back to square one on how to accomplish that.

I wish I could install a window in the side of my head for y’all to peek through at the debate that rages.

Depressed side: “You knew it wouldn’t work out. You fuck up everything you set out to. Idiot.”
Rational side: “Fuck that guy. Shit isn’t going as you planned, it never does. Find a new path.”
Depressed side: “Yeah find a new path that will just blow up in your face and fuck you over.”
Rational side: “Shut the fuck up. Victory goes to the tenacious; the people that overcome set-backs. So don’t listen to that bitch and figure something out.”

That’s pretty much how I debate things in my head with myself.

Inspirational as fuck, eh?

So I’ve spent the past few weeks, silently battling in my head and trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I have really boiled it down to two options.

A. Work a typical job and continue to do what I do through my website as my means of helping people. There are problems with this approach. That is going to require a heavy investment in time and energy in the week. Being Bipolar, I do need to attempt to keep my stress levels somewhat in check and have time to decompress so it doesn’t shove me into a hypomanic cycle. And if you’ve been lucky enough to not have to work too many low-tier jobs in your life; they don’t tend to honor or respect your time very often unless you have an actual decent superior. You’re a low wage monkey and can be replaced by any other low wage monkey. So that isn’t likely to work out in the long-term. Yes, there are good people that would work with me out there. There are also assholes that would smile to my face and start looking for any reason they could to get rid of me so my problems didn’t impact their ability to conduct business.

B. Go back to college. I could complete an Associates in Human Services Tech at the local college (or university for you folks not in America). The government should pay for it (or a majority of it) as part of vocational rehab to get me off of disability and back into the work force. Furthermore, if things went well, I could continue that education to four years; and then maybe even look at Graduate school to become a Therapist or Psych. I like the fact that I can increment it. Maybe I make it through two years but it’s hard as shit because my brain sucks and my short-term memory has the retention of a screen. I could take that two years and get a job as an aide or assistant.

Quite honestly, I would be looking further than that. I have a very unique, perfect storm of things going on with me that puts me in a position to contribute greatly. Bipolar but not too Bipolar; Autistic but not too Autistic; skilled written communicator who can articulate well; battered, bruised, damage- but not broken.

What I lack is credibility to medical professionals. A degree would be huge for that because I could say “Hey, I’ve been through all this shit; but I’ve had training like yours too. So perhaps you should at least hear me out instead of just looking at me like I’m fucking stupid?”

And then there is the matter of money. There is little to be money to be made in mental health. I’ve talked about my need to actually earn a couple times, and received a couple of messages about how “money isn’t everything” and “I shouldn’t be worried so much about that”.

Yeah, that’s all well and good; but I want to be self-sufficient and I like stuff. But even more than that; I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to figure out types of businesses that could push towards self-sustainability, provide opportunities for disabled people, the poor, and convicts trying to change their lives. That’s going to require money and I know that between my credit rating (LOLOLOLOL) and general history as a mental patient (also LOLOLOLOL); a traditional lender is going to look at me and shit themselves in laughter.

So if I want to even attempt something like that in the future; I’m going to need to have my shit straight. I’ll be in a decent position if I can make it through college with minimal debt. I’ll live below my means after that point so I can stockpile resources. If I decide to pursue a venture like that, I will probably have to appeal to independent investors for funding. And I would prefer to have at least half of the capital be my own money to demonstrate I believe in it and planned thoroughly enough to put my ass very much on the line.

College seems to be the right path but man; in addition to all the normal doubts…there’s the doubts that go along with being Bipolar. For example, I know cramming is fucking useless for me because my brain won’t retain information that way. I need to cram about a week ahead of time before the info pops out of the wasteland that is my short-term memory. And that many years? Oh I will definitely have unwell cycles and probably run into chaotic situations as a result. Sure, I have rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act; but will I be of mind to advocate for myself? To ensure that I am given the rights I am entitled to by law for being a nutcase trying to better my situation? Will I even be able to do anything about it if there is conflict?

I tried to go to college when I was younger and I succeeded at doing was racking up a $3000 internet bill from long-term, unwell decisions and blowing about $6000 in savings bonds that were gifted to me throughout my childhood.

But! There is good news in all of this.

I just turned 35 and I don’t look forward with hopelessness. Even when I am depressed, I still see a future for myself. Yeah, there are still times when I put on the headphones and zone out into a video game for several hours because I can’t think. But those times are much fewer and far between than they used to be. I had to reevaluate and change the way I looked at myself and my future. It’s something I’m still working on in a lot of ways.

The point to all of this? I no longer feel like I’m just killing time until I die. That came from a shift in a way I not only viewed myself but in the progress I’ve made fighting the Disorder with the help of doctors, medication, and therapy. That’s a change that so many others could have too if they jump into the fight, scrapping tooth and nail to win their own war.

I’ve gone from 20 years of feeling like shit about myself to knowing I will have a future. I’ve been able to close my hateful eyes and see someone with a unique combination of difficult experiences and gifts that can be used as a catalyst for others.

So if you look in the mirror and can only see yourself through depressive eyes; that doesn’t have to be your future. If I can do it, you can do it too.

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Categories
General

Am I To Blame Or Is Bipolar Disorder?

This post was inspired by an off-handed comment made by a Bipolar woman I know. I hope this perspective can help you see yourself in a more positive light.

We Bipolars are no strangers to screwing up and destroying the things we care most about. Behind each of us is a trail of ashes, shattered dreams, and broken relationships. The way you look at those things is important. I’ve talked to many Bipolar and Depressive people who shoulder the blame entirely. They feel that since they couldn’t control themselves in a moment of “weakness”; that they are only to blame for the situation. They shoulder the responsibility and do not want to use their illness as an excuse.

There is a problem with that. Let’s say you break your arm. The cause of the broken arm is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you did it to yourself out of stupidity or if it was an accident by someone else. The bottom line, you have a broken arm and you’re not going to be doing any heavy lifting with it until it heals. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it, the circumstances, how pissed off, sad, or judgmental other people may get about it; your arm is presently not working correctly.

An unwell cycle is the same. An unwell cycle means your brain is not working the way it should be. You’re sick and your decisions will be tainted by that sickness. How is a Bipolar person supposed to make decisions with clarity when their mind is feeding them misinformation about the world around them, their feelings, and their lives? Is it fair to hold yourself to the same standards that you would a normal person even though you have a “broken arm” at the time?

We wind up getting assigned or assigning ourselves the shitty labels of society for our actions. Are they deserved? Let’s look at an example…

A devoted Bipolar husband is faithful to his wife for 8 years. He loses his job, money and stress become an issue, his mind takes off into a manic cycle. His Bipolar brain concludes that the arguing is because his wife hates him and is preparing to leave him. His emotions are distorted due to the Disorder and that devoted love flips to smoldering hate. He walks out the front door and shacks up with another woman.

Eventually, his brain crashes and corrects. His thoughts are now clear and he can see the situation for what it is. His wife didn’t hate him, their arguments stemmed from the lack of income, a common stress in relationships. The husband’s emotions are snapped back to what they were before he swung unwell because that is the real him. The devoted, faithful husband who walked out on and cheated on his wife is back to being the devoted, faithful husband.

A common statement is that the husband had a choice. That’s absolutely true. He did have a choice. But how hard was it to make that choice? You don’t believe things when you’re unwell, you KNOW things with the same kind of ferocity and fervor that you know you love your mother (assuming you do, fill in someone that doesn’t suck if yours blows). He didn’t think his wife was planning to leave, he KNEW. And that knowledge fueled his rage and hate which made it even harder for him to make the right decision.

So where does that leave the couple? The husband’s perception of himself? The wife’s perception of him? Any family members or friends that happened to be privy to what was going on?

Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife when in actuality, the husband probably needs it more. He just ripped up and destroyed a core tenet of who he was, hurt the woman he was devoted to in a way that can never truly be repaired, and now everyone that doesn’t understand the Disorder thinks he’s an asshole. But he’s not an asshole. His brain was broken and not working correctly at the time. The wife knows he’s not an asshole because she knows there’s a difference between the loving man that she married and the stranger he becomes. It may or may not make it any easier to swallow the situation; that is really dependent on the individual.

Is it a reason or an excuse? Are you using the Disorder as a reason or an excuse?

Ideally, he would confess to his actions and do what needed to be done to repair the relationship. Sick or not, the onus is on each of us to take responsibility for our unwell actions and try to make it up to the people we damage in our wellness. Some people can forgive and move past it, others cannot.

Is it fair for the husband to think of himself as a betrayer and adulterer? I don’t believe so, even though he had an affair. What happens if you remove Bipolar Disorder from the equation? What are you left with? You’re left with a loving, devoted husband who would have not had that affair if it weren’t for that unwell cycle. Had he been “normal”, it would have just been marital stress and a spat that had needed resolved.

Once you add back in the Disorder, the metaphorical “broken arm”, now his actions take on a different meaning than what you would hold a normal person to.

And I can hear it now, “What about the wife? What about her feelings on the situation?” It’s not my place to tell someone how to feel about a situation, so I do not. I wouldn’t tell her that she should just get over it or even forgive him, because that’s not my decision to make. I don’t know her emotional tolerances, what she’s willing to shoulder, what she’s willing to try to work through. She has to decide that for herself. She is entitled to feel whatever she feels and it should be dealt with in a way that makes sense for the couple; not to everyone that has an opinion based on their stereotyped perceptions of “correct”.

Many of us Bipolars and Depressives have poor opinions of ourselves because of our long lists of failures. I was no different for a long time. I saw very little positive about myself though plenty of people tried to show me otherwise. After I was diagnosed, I was able to objectively look at my history, actions, and path in life. I came to realize that I wasn’t all of those negative things I thought I was because I wasn’t like that when I was balanced. It was only when I was unbalanced did things really come off the rails.

I know that’s a narrative a lot of Bipolar people out there face as well. They haven’t learned to see who they really are versus who they are while unwell. The person may think they are unlovable, unworthy, irresponsible, hateful, unfaithful, or just plain old crazy. But what happens if you set aside the mental illness? Who are you when you’re balanced? Do you even know? Or have you been dealing with it for so long that you don’t really know who that person is?

You are not your illness. You are not the walls you had to build to minimize the damage of the Disorder. Somewhere behind the Disorder and the walls is a person smothered by the weight of the illness and the pain it created in your life. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little leeway when the Disorder fucks things up for you. No one will ever get it 100% right. Most people won’t get it or “understand” our personal circumstances even if they want to; that’s just something we have to come to terms with. It doesn’t mean everyone won’t though.

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General Self-Help

Mood Disorder Wellness Hinges On The Afflicted

Many challenges exist for the Depressed or Bipolar person in their quest for wellness. The challenges faced by our loved ones trying to help us can seem insurmountable. It’s been a commonly stated belief (at least among the crap that I’ve read and professionals I’ve talked to) that wellness hinges entirely on the afflicted. I strongly believe in this point. We are the ones that need to make necessary lifestyle changes, take our meds, go to the doctors, actually communicate with them, work to understand our own brains and their bullshit, and then incorporate all of that crap into pursuing wellness while juggling whatever else life is throwing at us. That’s exhausting just typing it.

But then we have the loved ones on the sidelines who don’t know how to help. How do you navigate the chaos and turmoil? How do you help that person strive for more?

There are no simple answers. And there no simple answers because each of us is an individual who have our own likes, dislikes, and personality. What’s important to me and drives me towards wellness may mean jack shit all to the next guy or gal.

The following general points should provide some thoughts on a developing a fairly personal approach that will hopefully help chip through the walls to a loved one.

1. The approach must be personal. If you’re the loved one of someone who is struggling, you’ve already got a good idea of what is important to that person. Those are the things that you want to leverage to help guide them towards wellness. It may be a career path, relationship with a family member, school; whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, it can be used as leverage to help steer the chaos in a general direction.

Tact entirely matters- which feels very strange for me to say. Do not be dishonest in your approach otherwise you’ll alienate the person as soon as they figure it out. But use the truth to help pull them back. Ensure that what you are saying is done so in a way they can understand and relate to.

An example on selling suppositories:

Right: This suppository will provide relief for XYZ condition for 12 hours.

Wrong: Cram this up your ass for relief from XYZ for 12 hours.

They both say the same thing but in entirely different ways. An example of how I’d approach a Bipolar person:

“Look, I know things are going to shit right now; but if you educate yourself and commit to getting well, you can get back into college and finish your degree once you’re rebalanced. But you’re not going to be able to do that while your moods are bouncing back and forth.”

Continue to calmly reinforce that THEY HAVE THE POWER as often as you can. Remember that you’re trying to hammer through the wall of fucked emotions that mood disorders create. That does include the helplessness, powerlessness, and pointlessness that depression instills in the person. It takes time and persistence to hammer through that bullshit.

2. Once you are through, you want to have a solid path for them to walk. Once they’re hearing you, you want to get them going on the path before the depression and self-doubt has time to destroy the progress. The longer they’re able to think about it; the more they will convince themselves to not do what is necessary to get well. It’ll come as any flavor of excuse ranging from “What’s the point? It won’t work.” to “I feel fine now. Why should I?” So what’s the path?

a. An appointment with the person’s doctor or psych to discuss the situation, where the person fell off their plan, how to get back on.
b. Develop a plan of action on what they need to do to minimize damage to their lives from unwellness.
c. Implement the advice from the professional. Push the person to follow through and stay on the course.

I’m also in favor of getting folks to support groups with like-minded people. They don’t typically require contribution but it can be very helpful to be around other people going through similar if not identical circumstances. I generally encourage people to go to a few meetings for their respective mental illness just to listen. It can also offer a much needed self-esteem and confidence boost if the person is able to contribute positively to other members of the group, in the event that they decide they want to be social in the setting.

An unoccupied unwell mind can be a serious liability.

3. You have to learn patience. Patience, patience, patience. Hard to have patience when you’re watching someone you love unravel to their core and meltdown. To quote Shakespeare: “It sucks ass”. (Author’s Note: Quote may not actually be attributable to Shakespeare.)

For years I had virtually none. My range was either utter apathy or “let’s get this shit done”. But that doesn’t really work in life, does it? No. It takes time to build anything worthwhile. So goes the same with the battle for stability. There are times that it is impossible to make any real gains. You have to be able to identify those times, maintain some distance, and do your best to ensure they cannot do anything drastic while unwell.

Then, when the person hits a more level plane, you can start pushing again to try and make progress. Avoid exhausting yourself trying to swim against the current all the time.

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General

Of Mental Illness, Amanda Bynes, And Her Mother…

I typically don’t pay much attention to pop culture or celebrity garbage, mostly because I don’t care about it; but my eye is usually caught when mental illness comes into play. I’m always interested in the way the public perceives the person’s behavior as they are exhibiting their instabilities. Charlie Sheen was a good example. I would have bet money he was screaming through a Bipolar manic cycle when he was coming unhinged and lost his contract for Two and a Half Men. Many folks argued it was cocaine, which is a valid point if not for the length of time it ran. You would have to do a ton of cocaine to maintain that kind of pace for that length of time.

Amanda Bynes was recently trending due to the actions of her mother, Lynn, who pursued a temporary conservatorship over Amanda and won. Now, her mother has taken her off all of the psych medications she had been on for the past 9 months or so because “she hasn’t had an episode since”. The mother now claims that Amanda does not have a serious mental illness, even though she was placed on an LPS Hold which requires doctors to show evidence of grave disability as the result of mental illness or chronic alcoholism.

The basis of this move- she’s not mentally ill, it was marijuana that did it to her. If you’ve ever smoked or associated with people who smoked pot- please use this time to get the laughter and disbelief out of your system. I’ll wait.

You good? Cool.

Not only is it a great example of ignorance of mental illness; it’s a great example of the 1980’s Public Service Announcement misinformation mentality about drugs.

Yes, certain drugs can have a negative affect on people with mental illness.

But I have to say that of the hundreds of times in my life that I’ve smoked pot, hung out with several people that smoked pot, and been a third party witness to pot-smoking shenanigans; nobody ever thought it was a good idea to set fire to a neighbor’s driveway with gasoline, strip off their pants because they were on fire, retrieve their now gasoline soaked Pomeranian, run to a liquor store to the backroom to wash it off in their sink, and have a melt down when confronted by the employees which resulted in an arrest.

That’s wayyyyy too much activity for someone who was supposedly under heavy influence of pot.

Some have posited that removing her from psych meds and claiming it was pot is a form of damage control. I don’t think her mother is stupid; just ignorant. I don’t think that her or her lawyers would be dumb enough to think you could “damage control” 4 years of drastic instability that even had Courtney Love of all people tweeting to her to “Get it together girl”. When Courtney Love acknowledges that you have a problem- you have a fucking problem.

And this long ass intro leads into the point of this post. What I’m seeing from her mother is something I see on a regular basis from the loved ones of folks with mental illness. It’s often just related from the mentally ill person rather than the third party.

It centers around that person’s inability to accept their own perceived “failures”. You take a mother who loves her daughter, has had pretty significant difficulties in her life over 30 years or so, but she loves her unconditionally and does everything she can to create a better life for her. Now, you reveal that the daughter has been hiding some pretty significant behaviors from her mother for a long time. Cutting, drinking too much to cope, drugs, reckless behavior, maybe even a suicide attempt or two. The daughter gets worse with age to the point where her quieter behavior suddenly starts getting much louder. Now she’s getting hauled in by the cops, setting fires, doing the insane shit that severely mentally ill people do.

What goes on in the mother’s mind? Some parents are able to adapt and help. Others can’t. They would “know” if their child was mentally ill. They did everything in their power to make sure that child was taken care of and had opportunities in their life; so they couldn’t possibly have a mental illness. Acknowledging that their child has a mental illness is a blow to them as a person because it’s easy to perceive it as them failing their child. How could someone you love miss something that important and major? Well; it’s pretty simple actually. It’s not like everyone is walking around with a PhD in psychology or anything.

And in Amanda’s case; she was successful. A multimillionaire and retired by 26, as she said. So in her mother’s mind; it couldn’t possibly be Amanda’s mental health that was exploding. No, it must have been the pot even though there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Mental illness doesn’t care about how wealthy you are. It’ll tear down a wealthy person just as easily as a poor person. But her mother is ignoring all of the evidence supporting mental illness and taking her off a medication cocktail that is commonly used for schizophrenia.

I’d give her less than six months to have another psychotic episode if she sticks to this course of action.

Pride has no place in this struggle. Whether you’re a supporter or mentally ill; pride is an enemy. We must all understand that we can fuck things up. Pride prevents apologies, it prevents acceptance, it prevents progress.

If I’m right about her mother’s mindset; her pride is undermining Amanda’s mental wellness. Is the daughter going to listen to her mother or her doctors? Many people would trust their mother more and wind up screwed for an even longer period of time. Who knows how long her mother’s decision is going to set back her mental wellness? It could be years. Or maybe Amanda will remember how much better she felt on the meds and get back on them soonish. Who knows?

If you are in a similar situation or were handed this article by someone; it’s not your fault or any kind of knock on you as a person if you missed a mental illness. Lots of people don’t understand or “get it”. It’s no flaw to have not understood what your loved one was going through.

What is a flaw is a refusal to acknowledge the evidence that supports it when it’s staring you in the face. That refusal can fuck your loved one over far into the future. The past is done. Help your loved one reach a better, saner future for themselves.

And regardless of the position you are in; educate yourself on the claims being made about the person in your life. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve talked to who are diagnosed Bipolar that couldn’t tell me what Bipolar Disorder is. How the hell are you supposed to help yourself or anyone else if you don’t understand what the claims are? It doesn’t matter if you’re the loved one or the mentally ill one; educate yourself!

I get asked constantly “what books do you recommend?” and my answer is always the same- “All of them.” Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Mental illness is an intensely personal experience. If you’re Bipolar, you can read a book about another Bipolar person that has no relation to how you experience the Disorder. Now you’re questioning if that’s actually the case when the next book may have struck home for you. Read everything you can get your hands on. That way you’ll have a much better idea of how to help your loved one or help yourself.

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Coping

Preventing Catastrophic Damage In A Bipolar Relationship

I am regularly asked about a particular situation that involves the perspective and decision making of a Bipolar person. In this situation, the Bipolar person appears to be doing reasonably well, but they eventually swing into mania or depression. If they swing into mania, they can do a number of different things that are damaging to the relationship. If they swing into depression, they may feel they have no emotions at all for their partner or they are not worth loving.

I find this situation comes most often from people who are diagnosed but do not understand the Disorder, the undiagnosed who clearly need to speak to a doctor about what they experience, and older folks (40+) who are used to making decisions a certain way. That statement being based on the one or two emails a week I get asking about some variation of this situation. Your mileage may vary.

So let me address the common points.

1. Does my Bipolar loved one love me?
Supporter: The closest point a Bipolar person comes to their true emotions is when they are at a point of stability. Chances are pretty good you can identify the ups and the downs even if you don’t know how to put a name on it. There are likely to be other times of relative peace and harmony. Those are the periods you want to use to gauge their true emotions. Some civil strife is normal in relationships. The over-the-top and abnormal are what indicate unwell periods. During those periods the Disorder is lying to your loved one and warping their perception.

Bipolar: You MUST learn that you cannot trust your brain while you are unwell. You MUST learn to hear your loved ones and trust them when you are unwell. If you learn to identify when you are in an unwell cycle, you can stop yourself from making important decisions. An example. “I was fine last week, I feel miserable and numb now. I feel nothing for my wife; so it must be her fault.” Feeling numb and apathetic are depressive symptoms. It has nothing to do with the wife and everything to do with the fact that YOU HAVE A MOOD DISORDER.

And I hear you asking- “But Dennis, what if I really don’t love my wife anymore?” This is where you have to start realizing that what you experience while you are unstable is not real emotion. It absolutely feels real but it’s manufactured by the Disorder. That is why I beat the drum so loud to not make life-altering decisions while you’re in an unwell cycle; or if you have to, involve people you trust to help you figure things out.

What do you do? You call your doctor and tell them what’s going on. You do NOT make major decisions while you are in an unwell cycle. If the loved one is the actual problem, you’ll still feel that way when you come out of the cycle. If your relationship was loving and good while you were balanced, your moods and emotions should return to that baseline after the unwell cycle.

2. You cannot take a Bipolar person’s words at face value during an unwell cycle.
Supporter: Learn your Bipolar loved one’s unwell symptoms so you can identify when they are getting sick. Once you are able to do so, you must then learn to let their unwell words slide off of your shoulders. That does NOT mean you should put up with abusive or destructive behavior. It does mean accepting that the person is probably going to make bad, foolish decisions they normally would not make while they are balanced and well. Accepting that and not being emotionally invested in their unwell decisions will save you a lot of stress.

Bipolar: Use your loved one as a filter. They spend more time with you than anyone. They likely know your moods and mentality better than you do because they are a third party whose perspective is not skewed by the Disorder. If you’re unwell, run your thoughts and ideas through people that you can trust to see whether it is actually a good idea or if it’s the Disorder fucking with you. Don’t embrace and act on your thoughts while you are unwell. Talk about them and get outside perspectives on them. If you can’t do it with family, look into local or online support groups that provide a safe place to communicate. Outside perspective is invaluable.

3. Ending the cycles of destruction.
Apologies, loved ones; but I have to finish this piece with the mentally ill because this is on us.

Each of us is engaged in a personal war- and that’s not a metaphor. What else do you call an entity that deprives you of happiness, well-being, stability, and peace of mind? What else do you call an entity that strips you of relationships, careers, and friendships? You call it an enemy as only an enemy would do that to you. So you have to fight it like an enemy until you’re standing with your foot on its throat.

Look at everything you’ve lost to it in your life! Your life story is your own road, but our roads run parallel. And I’m 100% sure your road is just as littered with the burnt out husks of what used to be your hopes and dreams as mine is.

You want to beat this shit? You have to learn to stop following the decision making processes that have been fucking you since you started cycling. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20 or 50. I don’t give a shit if you feel “too old to change”. Better to continue on the cycle of destruction and being perpetually fucked?

No. You’re strong and resilient enough to have made it this far in life with mental illness. You are definitely strong and resilient enough to face some changes that will ONLY benefit you.

Take control. Educate yourself. Work on communication with the people you trust. Identify your depressive and manic symptoms so you and your loved ones can spot your unwell cycles with ease. Once you do- stop making life-altering decisions during an unwell cycle!

You can do it.

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General

Breaking Through The Walls Of Undiagnosed, Untreated Mood Disorders

There is a train of thought that I have been wrestling with since I started being open and doing what I do through my website- “how do you get through to someone who doesn’t realize there is a problem?” I’m alright with rock bottom and I know that some people have to fall that far before they can recover. The problem is that “rock bottom” usually entails a lot of awfulness that would be better avoided. Is it homelessness? Divorce? Addiction? Suicide? Rock bottom is an unpleasant place and I know there are times I treat it with a flippant attitude because I managed to get through mine somewhat unscathed. I find that to be unsatisfactory.

Another problem is that I’m sitting here across yon internet. I typically don’t have the benefit of being able to talk to the person and get a glimpse of their life story. I think that getting through the walls is best accomplished through an entirely personal approach that speaks directly to the individual. That way you have an opportunity to explore the history and thought processes of that person and introduce the potential for a better, attainable reality. I believe that it hinges on making the person realize that the way they experience their life is abnormal. After all, if you’ve lived a certain way for 10 or 50 years- how are you supposed to know there’s anything different waiting for you?

The methodology I employ splashes over into what is important to the medical profession. Medical professionals are looking for abnormalities that inflict significant disruption to the patient’s quality of life and their ability to care for themselves. Thus, I feel it’s a good idea to stay along those lines so when the person goes in to talk to the professional they are introducing these significant points.

As usual, let me use myself for as an example.

Employment – I’ve had no fewer than 25 jobs. Some I lost on my own volition. Others I lost for legitimate reasons. I lost at least a dozen because my brain dropped into a severe depression and I just couldn’t function, I couldn’t communicate what was going on in my head, and I would just throw the job aside and stop going. There are others where my brain would be so scattered and chaotic, I’d be furious with everyone, impatient with everything, cuss out a manager or customers. You know, typical Bipolar shenanigans.

How would I use this information if I was confronting me?
“Do you realize it’s not normal to go through dozens of jobs in the span of 15 years? Your brain should not cause you so many problems that you are unable to maintain anything long-term. It’s a possible indicator of something wrong that could be treated. You may be able to end that cycle of destruction and have some stability and consistency.”

And this point is one a medical professional would be interested in because we all need income to exist. This is the kind of thing that should be considered a symptom.

Inability to Feel – The inability to feel is very common with depression. The void consumes everything. I’ve been fighting with depression since I was about 13. In that time, I’ve done the following to cope with it- self-harm in the form of burning myself, a lot of drugs and alcohol, sleeping for 20 hours a day and avoiding everything, and one active and six suicide attempts to finally end it. The days that should have been the happiest days of my life I felt little to nothing. Often, it was only a brief wisp of emotion that was soon sucked under and devoured by depression. To say it fucking sucks is an understatement.

How would I use this information if I was confronting me?
“It’s not normal to not feel. It indicates a potential problem that you need to talk to a doctor about. It’s normal for you because that’s how it’s been in your mind- but that’s not how it has to be if you confront it and fight it. Depression is treatable but you have to get up and pursue it. The suicide attempts, hurting yourself to see if you can feel; it’s normal for us but isn’t the kind of existence you should accept for yourself.”

Again, this is a person’s mental processes drastically interfering with their ability to live and conduct their life. Social interaction and self-care are both essential parts of human existence that can be severely derailed by depression.

And that hits on the biggest problem I run into. How do you convince a person who’s been living a mentally ill life for the last 40 years that there is anything better waiting for them? How do you show them they aren’t just a fuck up, deserve peace of mind, and happiness?

I feel like it’s not going to be in generalized articles or trying to speak through a loved one from a thousand miles away. I think a knowledgeable third party needs to really analyze their history and present it back to them with an eye for the things that would fall into the scope of potential symptoms so they could be contrasted with “typical”.

It’s definitely difficult for a loved one or a friend to assume this mantle but it is often necessary. A spouse or a friend often has to get that person to realize they need to see a doctor at all. The good news is that they are often familiar with that person’s history. I would avoid suggesting that it is anything specific; but stick to the severe issues and encourage them to talk to a doctor about them. Chances are pretty good it will take awhile to sink in so don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen overnight. Remember- you’re trying to get through years and years of living unwell.

Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. The person will often latch on to a weak point and ride it for all it’s worth to avoid looking inward.

Please share any thoughts or comments with me you may have on this subject. I’m interested to know what got through to you or if you have any input on the problem.

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General Self-Help

Mood Disorders And The Choices We Make

The central point of everything I bitch and harp about in regards to mood disorder management is education. The afflicted and their closest loved ones need to understand every facet of the mood disorder if they want to effectively counter it. It’s a simple matter of understanding the enemy to engage and win the battle. Understanding the way a mood disorder warps and twists a person’s perception gives them much greater leverage in not jumping on the unwell thought process and rocketing into insanity.

Near that central point is a choice; an often simple choice that we make incorrectly because our brains are fucked up at the moment. A choice we normally would have never made if our brains were in balance. We can prevent a lot of chaos and misery for us and our loved ones by changing the way we make our decisions while unwell. But first, we have to understand when we are unwell!

1. Work on developing your understanding of your triggers and the way you feel while you are unwell. You likely have symptoms while manic or depressive that you have at no other time. In my case, I have pressured speech, racing thoughts, hypersexuality, arrogance, and I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time but am never tired. Depression is easy to spot in my own apathy, general annoyance at everything slightly inconvenient, and a desire to sleep too much. I only have these qualities when I’m unwell- never any other time.

2. Utilize loved ones to help identify your unwellness. If you have kids, relatives, or a spouse that gives a shit they can help you identify when you’re getting unwell. You can tell younger kids “just tell me if I start acting really weird”. They don’t need to be inundated in details but they know when mom or dad is being irrational or volatile. I feel it’s a good idea to help older kids understand what’s going on so they don’t learn to fear and resent mental illness.

3. Make better choices before taking action. Are you manic? Does the sound of laughing children piss you off? Can you just not stand the sound of your spouse’s voice? Are you depressed? Can you not see any hope for tomorrow? Is every day going to be shit for the rest of your existence?

Those questions are the kind of warped thoughts we all struggle with. It is your choice on how you respond to those children, your spouse, and the hopelessness. Every fiber of your being may be urging you to scream, yell, or worse; but you have to fight that urge. You have to remember that you have a mood disorder and will have disproportionate responses to about everything while you are unwell. And you have to choose to look forward to tomorrow or remove yourself from your manic stressors.

It is not the world’s responsibility to give two shits about managing your triggers. A lot of people don’t understand and don’t want to understand. That means YOU have to be the one to manage YOURSELF.

That’s not an impossible goal even though it may seem like it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “Easier said than done”. Well, no shit. Everything is easier said than done. But you fucking do it anyways because it’s your family, your life, your well being, and your future. And you CAN do it.

Yes, you will inevitably make stupid mistakes. We all do. It gets much easier the more you do it and when you start finding meds that reduce the impact of the unwell swings.

Making better choices can be as simple as removing yourself from a situation that is threatening to spin you out or asking for input from someone you trust. I do both regularly if I don’t trust the defective pile of shit my brain can sometimes be.

You must understand that you are not your Disorder. You may be a terrible person while you are unwell but that does not mean you would make those same choices if you were well. Therefore, you want to get back to making the kinds of decisions you would make while you were well. A mood disorder is just one part of you that can be overwhelming and dominating if untreated, but you do not have to give in to what it will make you think and feel. You can fight it and fight for wellness.

That is a choice.

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The Art Of Arguing Through Bipolar Disorder And Depression

The friends of loved ones of those with Bipolar Disorder and Depression are often faced with the daunting task of trying to get through to them. Unwell thought processes of these mood disorders twist and warp reality to such a point that it is impossible for the unwell person to know what reality actually is. You, the well-minded supporter, have the benefit of knowing what the facts and reality actually are in most cases. How do you use that to your benefit? We meet hardness with softness.

What the hell does that mean? The martial art Tai Chi uses Hard and Soft forms. The idea is that countering force with force is only going to result in both parties being injured. Instead, you counter force with a soft approach. Instead of directly attacking back, you use the opponent’s energy and motion to your benefit. In this way, the practitioner can exhaust their opponent, conserve energy, and mount an effective offense when the time is right.

Arguing with an unwell person rarely ever works. It usually requires an excessive amount of energy or the supporter winds up emotionally hurt in the process. Think back to previous arguments you had with an unwell loved one- have they helped at all? Probably not.

How do we employ this principle in our dealings with the unwell?

*Facts Are Your Friend- Use Them
The unwell person is going to wind up with borderline delusional thinking on a regular basis. You can use facts to derail these delusional thoughts by forcing the person to actually think about what they are claiming and are convinced of. The more detail they have to dredge up, the more they think. The more they think, the more opportunities they have to realize that something isn’t quite right about their thoughts. It won’t always work but it is a better strategy than trying to hammer through their unwell thoughts with force.

Pay attention to the person you’re talking with. You’re gaining ground once they are embroiled in thought, trying to figure out your words and the discrepancies they are faced with.

Example:

Bipolar: “I’m leaving because I just don’t love you anymore and you make me feel like shit.”
Supporter: “Hm. That’s unfortunate. How long have you been feeling this way?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “About a month or so.”
Supporter: “Oh? How were things before that?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “Tough but I didn’t feel like I do now.”
Supporter: “And you’re certain it’s not a Bipolar swing? You know your emotions will warp when you get unwell.” (Soft)
Bipolar: “No, I don’t think so.”
Supporter: “Well, what if it is? How about you sit on those emotions for another few months or so? You know the Disorder can screw with your emotions pretty hard so just wait and see if any stronger symptoms develop. If you truly don’t love me anymore, then that won’t change. But if it’s a Bipolar swing then these feelings of disconnection may only be temporary. You know?” (Hard)

In this example, we use fact and reasoning to get our point across. Why do I beat the drum so loudly about “fact” and “reality”? Because facts don’t care how you feel about them. They simply are. Bipolar Disorder (and other mental illnesses) typically distort our interpretation of the facts by tainting them with beliefs and emotion. But, in the example, we are dealing with an emotional subject while not dealing with intangible emotions. Fact- the person is Bipolar. Fact- Bipolar Disorder screws with a person’s emotions. Fact- the person’s change of heart is relatively recent. Such a major change of heart that quickly could indicate an unwell period. A person’s emotions don’t typically 180 on a dime. It usually takes time and many shitty circumstances to shift emotions that drastically. Not so for an unwell Bipolar that can go from “I love you” to “Fuck you” over night.

*Strive To Make It The Bipolar Person’s Choice
It is very easy for a Bipolar (or Depressed) person to decide on any crappy course of action because they are incapable of giving it the appropriate consideration. That may range from an affair, to cutting, to just throwing away jobs. Additionally, their thoughts can take off and run away with them if they aren’t anchored to reality and repercussions in some way.

So what does this crap I’m alluding to mean exactly? Shit gets accomplished much more efficiently when compromise is on the table. Standing at either extreme and shouting at each other is essentially pointless busy work (take note Congress). However, you can make greater gains by stepping towards the middle and extending a hand out. You don’t have to necessarily agree with the other person’s opinion. It’s all about picking your battles, what you are capable of sacrificing, and what you refuse to budge on. I’m not suggesting that you roll over and be a doormat.

Why is this a good idea? It gives you a point to fall back to. No matter where the person’s mind goes or how much they want to argue- you offered to compromise and you can always fall back to that. If they refuse to follow through with the proposal or make a counter-offer; now you have “I offered to meet you half way but you refuse to meet me half way.”

Example:

Bipolar: “It’s always about blaming me and my mental illness! It’s never about you and what responsibility you share in it!”
Supporter: “Fair enough. What do you think I need to work on for our relationship?” (Soft)
Bipolar: “You’re always up my ass about everything. I can’t stand feeling so smothered.”
Supporter: “Alright. Well, I’ll work on giving you more space if you’ll talk to your doctor about the meds you decided to quit cold turkey.” (Hard)

In this example, it would be easy for the Supporter to fall into an argument with the Bipolar. Instead we employ a Soft counter that acknowledges the Bipolar’s feelings (even if they are skewed they are real to the Bipolar) that also gives us ammunition to work with. The exchange is wrapped up with a compromise that should suit whatever goal you are aiming for. The Hard reply sets out the conditions and puts the ball into the Bipolar’s court. Now, it becomes their choice and it provides the Supporter some leverage. Now the Supporter has “Don’t get mad at me, I agreed to do what you wanted if you would do the small thing I asked. That’s your choice.” to show the Bipolar that it is their choice- not yours.

*The Effects Of A “Soft” Approach
Both examples given above are partial conversations I’ve had and heard many times with people. Trying to hammer against a mentally ill person’s thought processes will only cause them to put up their walls and get angry (in most cases). At that point you aren’t going to get shit accomplished because now their mind is taking off and spinning the situation out.

Consider what would have happened if either introductory statement in the examples were greeted with anger. It probably would have devolved into a massive argument, fueled the unwell person’s mental illness, and introduced more chaos and instability. Take the time to measure your words before you respond. You can’t control what the other person thinks or feels; but you can control how you choose to respond to it.

Counter a Hard attack with a Soft redirection. Use your loved one’s energy to undermine their unwellness and help bring them back to a grounded state. This tactic also works pretty well with normal people. It not only opens the door for compromise but takes the need for you to be the sole person who sacrifices out of the equation.

These are but a couple of examples. If you need help figuring out a way to employ this methodology to a situation you’re in; drop me a comment or email with as much information about the situation as you can and we’ll see if we can get something figured out.

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Categories
Self-Help

An Open Letter On Mood Disorder Warfare

Periodically I will write an open letter that is constructed to be shared with a relevant party. I do this for the loved ones of Bipolars and Depressives that don’t know what to say to the person struggling in their life. Here is one such piece.

Salutations. My name is Dennis, I’m 33, and I am a Type 2 Bipolar with Major Depression and High-Functioning Autism. I spent 15 years undiagnosed, have been in recovery for about 5, 7 suicide attempts, been through alcohol and drug abuse, lived in poverty, and have been kicked around by the system we all know and love. I spent a majority of my life feeling completely shitty about myself and life. And I’m sure you are undoubtedly asking yourself- “Why am I reading this asshole’s life story?” Well, someone that cares about you read this and felt it was relevant; so allow me to get to the point.

What do you call something that consistently destroys your life? That causes you to tear apart the things you care about? That destroys your livelihood and peace of mind? That jeopardizes your future and ability to conduct your life? Yes, I am talking about Bipolar Disorder and Depression but there is something else- an enemy. An enemy is someone that works to overcome and destroy you. An enemy is someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put you out if you were on fire. An enemy strives to deprive you of peace of mind, progress, and property. Some enemies can be rationalized with; irrational enemies must be fought.

Are you fighting the enemy in your mind or are you letting yourself be victimized by it? Are you fighting tooth and nail to stomp down your enemy and grind your boot in its throat? Or are you cowering in the corner hoping things will change on their own? They won’t. They will only get worse if you don’t fight for it to be better. And no- it’s probably not going to be pleasant. But when is fighting for something worthwhile ever pleasant?

And you can sit there and say- “This fucking asshole doesn’t know me or my life.” No, I don’t. I do, however, know Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I know that if you don’t stand, fight, and work against them that they will destroy you. This is one of the few facts that is applicable to any one of us. And I don’t want to hear any “Easier said than done” bullshit either. Everything is easier said than done! How about “It’s easier to do jack shit and fail than try and succeed”?

You deserve to be stable. You deserve to be happy. You deserve consistency and the ability to pursue what you want out of life. Yeah, you may have done terrible shit to people in the past because of what goes on in your head- we all have. But does that mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life? No! Everyone fucks up and has a different flavor of problems. Ours fucking suck and cause a lot of collateral damage but it’s not like we had a choice to be saddled with this bullshit.

But you do have a choice in how you view it. You have the choice to treat it like the enemy it is and fight it; or cower in a corner and hope it will go away. But it won’t just go away. That’s not the nature of the enemy. Stand up and fight. You’re not alone in it. There are other people fighting the same battles or hopefully some people in your life that still want to help you. But even if there isn’t and you’ve alienated everyone? That’s today and the past. Tomorrow will be better because you’re going to pick yourself up out of the corner and fight. But to win any fight, you need a strategy. These following points will provide you a rough outline of what you need to do.

1. Educate yourself on the enemy. Learn everything you can about the enemy and keep track of the things that resonate with you. Mental illness is a personal experience so advice and information you read may not be as relevant to you as another. Figure out what is, collect information.

2. Get help from mental health professionals. If they won’t listen to you, ignore you, or won’t answer your questions; find another one! Don’t punish yourself because some doctors are shitty at their jobs! You don’t hurt them any.

3. If you’re broke and need to go on meds; ask the doctor to try generics first. Several big box retailers offer $4 per month prescriptions on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and some antianxieties.

4. If a med isn’t working; talk to your doctor and tell them what’s going on. Be specific! Are you still manic? Are you still depressed? Having anxiety problems? Again, BE SPECIFIC. Do you know how you’ll know what’s wrong? Point 1 and what you’ve learned about the illness and how it affects YOU personally. Knowledge will give you power and leverage over your enemy.

Chances are decent that you’re reading this because someone feels that you act as though you’ve been defeated or let the enemy victimize you. But you’re not defeated or a victim if you do not let yourself be. It’s a war for control of your own mind. You’ll lose some battles. You’ll win some battles. If you keep pressing you will eventually win the war and be able to put your enemy in check. But you have to make the choice, stand up, say enough of this bullshit; and engage the enemy with the same ferocity it uses to attack you. If you don’t think you can do it- well, just look at what you’ve already survived up until this point. Don’t let yourself be a victim.

If you have questions- I’m only an email away.

Dennis

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