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Coping Depression kimmymc80 Self-Help

A Pill-less Cure For Anxiety and Panic #MentalHealth #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #Faith #GodCanDoAnything

In my last post I briefly spoke about my spiritual awakening that occurred during one of my stays in a psychiatric hospital. I would like to discuss this a step further and give you some tips on how to alleviate panic for good.

First I would like to share my experience in full with you.

After I was in full remission from my eating disorder and self mutilation I began to suffer from debilitating panic attacks among other things. During these bouts of panic and mania I was drugged beyond imagination since I suffered from seizures because of the attacks that were happening over 30 times a day. The doctors just kept pouring liquid xanax into my system every time I would awaken with another bout that would make me nearly seize out of my hospital bed.

During one of my hospital stays I finally gained a moment of clarity and screamed out “NO MORE DRUGS”! I realized that all they were doing was placing a blanket over my deep rooted problems and not fixing anything. I continued to panic and seize for days and had to be institutionalized.

While in the psychiatric hospital I continued to have panic attacks that made me see actual spiritual warfare in front of my very eyes. I could see angels and demons fighting over my soul. I thought I was going crazy because there were no windows in my room and I continuously saw darkness and light fighting each other.

In one of my deepest bouts of panic I remembered that if you were to say in the name of Jesus I command you to flee then all evil will flee because they are scared “poopless” of the mention of His name.

I screamed at the top of my lungs “Father, I give EVERYTHING to you (my mental health, my finances, my medication, my doctors, and everything else I could think of that I was trying to control) and in the name of JESUS I command all evil to leave”.

It was like lightning struck down from heaven and at that moment the darkness fled from my room and my room was lit up with an amazing, spectacular light that was so warm and inviting. I saw hundreds of angels filling my room to the brim and felt a peace like never before come over me and calmed my seizing in an instant.

At the time I thought I was just seeing things and was most likely crazy,  but all I knew was that I was starting to level off. After a few days without panic I was finally dismissed from the hospital.

Once I got home the panic started again and every time all I had to do was mention the name of my precious savior Jesus and the it would flee. After a few months of going back and forth with this I knew that until I became deep rooted in his word and prayed over my house then nothing was ever going to change.

I immediately began to look up scripture that had anything to do with panic and anxiety. I learned that Elijah was the first man in recorded history to suffer from panic attacks (1 Kings 19) and it was by listening to God’s soft spoken voice and obeying that he was able to overcome.

You see God doesn’t always have a loud booming voice and not everyone will experience lightning coming from the Heavens or an earthquake. Sometimes God speaks to us in a soft whisper and it is up to us to discern what it is that he is saying to us.  By staying rooted in the Word of God and by casting all of my concerns on Him I have been blessed to not suffer from severe anxiety like I used to. Of course I get scared and anxious, we all do, but the moment I gave it all to God and call on Jesus, everything always works itself out.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you the verses that I found to help me the most in my times of panic. Psalm 43:5 says that hope in God is a cure. Psalm 94:19 states “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.”

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.”  When we are anxious or tormented by inner thoughts of excessive fear and concern, we feel overwhelmed and depressed. Depression literally comes from pressing down all the anxiety and troublesome thoughts into our spirit. It is a serious problem in our world. But thankfully God provides ways out of our depression. One way is when someone speaks a “good word”. Bondages can be broken and fears can be driven away through the anointed words of God’s servants.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Christians do not have to live in a state of anxiety, worry, fear, and confusion. In fact being anxious is actually a sin. Please do not let these words scare you or think I am trying to make you feel bad. For all of us sin and fall short in some way or another. The secret to overcoming anxiety is to rejoice constantly in the Lord and to pray to God thanking Him for His provision, His goodness, and His mercy both past and future.

But you say, why should I thank the person that made me this way, to suffer from mental illness and disease? I say to you that it was not God that gave you illness or disease, but Satan who is alive and well and ruler of this disease ridden earth.

You say “Where was God when I was suffering?”  To that I answer this: Once you ask God to leave you alone, leave your government, your family, your schools, and your mind, He will do just that because he is a gentleman and will leave when you ask Him to. Once you cry out “Oh, God where are you?” He answers, “I am right here, I never left your side, you just asked me to shut up and leave you alone, so I did”.

When you know that your heavenly Father is taking care of your business you can allow the peace of God to fill your life. God’s peace is not dependent on outward circumstances. It is a supernatural peace that comes from knowing God is in control. What you must do is give over All control to God in order to fully receive this peace.

Philippians 4:19 “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”  People in the world are always uptight about their money and having their needs met. In fact, they spend all of their time and energy on pursuit of security. The believer in Jesus Christ is to live a life free from the fear of lack of finances or any other thing. God has promised in His Word that He will take care of all of our needs through his infinite resources.

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”  Care: merimna (mer-im-nah): Believers are given the secret to winning over anxiety and tension by casting all of their care onto Christ. The word merimna comes from meiro, “to divide,” and noos, “the mind.” The world denotes distractions, anxieties, burdens, and worries. Merimna means to be anxious beforehand about daily life. Such worry is unnecessary, because the Father’s love provides for both our daily needs and our special needs.

Believers are not to live “stressed out,” “burnt out” lives. Part of being spiritual is learning how to cast our care upon God and let Him carry the load, because He is strong enough to take it! People were not designed to live under anxiety,  tension, and stress. The secret is to be able to release those things to he Lord and to trust Him totally to take care of us.

Do not let the great deceiver, Satan, tell you that you are not good enough to be saved or that you are not smart enough to comprehend this because that is just the type of lies that he thrives off of. If we humble ourselves before God, which means if we five our tension, tears, fears, concerns, anxiety and stress to Him, He can do something about it. As long as we are holding onto our burdens, God will not move in to change things.

Some more verses to turn to: Matthew 6:31-34 basically says that God promised that those who seek Him and put His kingdom first will have their needs met. Therefore, do not worry. There is absolutely nothing God can’t and won’t heal, Jeremiah 32:27. God can work a miracle for you, Jeremiah 33:3.

I hope that this helps all of you reading this. If you have any questions feel free to ask. If you have any comments, I want to hear them.

Much love and abundant blessings,

Kimmy

http://withoutalabel.me/

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Coping Depression kimmymc80 Self-Help

Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, and Panic Disorder, Oh My! #MentalHealth #Bipolar #Depression #PTSD #ADHD #OCD

So yeah, that’s me. My name is Kimberly McPherson and I am a type 1 rapid cycling Bipolar with OCD, PTSD, ADHD, and panic disorder. Yes, it may seem like I have been tagged with pretty much every label known to man but honestly it could be worse.

I was diagnosed at the age of 19 but like many others, I knew for a long time that something wasn’t quite right with me. At fist I tried to shove my diagnoses to the back of my mind and continue on with my life but as time passed I knew it was something I needed to take seriously.

Once I honestly harnessed my disorders I knew I couldn’t do it alone so I set out on a mission to find help. The first thing I needed to accomplish was finding a psychiatrist that fully understood what I was dealing with and wouldn’t just see me as a number. I was graced with an exceptional doctor that saw me as a person and not just a label. It took many tries but I finally found the perfect fit for me.

With the help of my doctor I came to the conclusion that I needed to be medicated in order for me to be a functioning member of society. I hated the thought that I needed to take medicine in order to fully survive but I knew that continuing to hurt myself wasn’t the answer.

You see, at the time of my diagnosis, I was a full fledged suicidal anorexic, bulimic, and self mutilator. I was told by many doctors that I probably wouldn’t live to see my 20th birthday. Boy, how I have proved them wrong. I reluctantly accepted help for my eating disorders and self mutilation and now I look back and thank God that I did.

Once I was medicated properly life started to make sense. The things I used to think and say were terrible. I would lash out at anyone and everyone. I truly didn’t mean any harm, I just didn’t understand why I hated myself so much. I now see the error of my ways. I was mistreated and misunderstood for the most part of my life. It took years of therapy for me to see that I didn’t have to look at myself the way I thought others did. I thought everyone hated me but in all honesty they just didn’t understand and wanted to help. The things people would say were things like “you’re too skinny” or “boy you’re touchy” and to me they sounded like “I hate you”. Now, I understand that it was my illnesses that made me think that way.

So, how do I deal with them now? Well, that’s a great question. The number one thing I must continue to do is take my medication as prescribed and at the same time every day. It seems like an incredible task just keeping up with all of it but once you get the hang of it the schedule gets easier and easier with passing time.

The second thing I must do is take care of myself. This includes taking vitamins (I take a multi vitamin for stress, vitamin D3, a B complex vitamin, a formulation of great minerals and vitamins called lights on from a company called Dynamaxx (this formulation has helped me to be able to get off most of my ADHD meds), and most importantly an awesome omega 3 vitamin). The omega 3’s I take are from the makers of Nordic Naturals called Ultimate Omega’s. I take 4 of these suckers a day. I found out about them through a Harvard study done on depression and honestly the mix of the Omegas with my medication has changed my outlook on things drastically. I can tell a huge difference between when I take them and when I don’t. If you or anyone you know has a mental illness I highly recommend adding these amazing vitamins to your health regimen.

On the same note of taking care of myself I also try to soak in at least 30 minutes of sunshine daily, get some exercise at least 3 times a week (walking, yoga, or riding my bike), and I try to do a meditation exercise daily. I  found a great chakra realignment meditation video that takes about 10 minutes and it thoroughly changes my outlook every time I do it. I can feel the balancing act happen throughout the video.  I also try and eat properly and if I can’t do that I drink Ensure to get in the proper nutrients that my body needs.

The third thing I try to do is stay connected to my creator. I am a firm believer in the power of God (I believe in the Holy Trinity, The Father, The Son (Jesus), and The Holy Spirit (that resides in you when you accept God into your life).  It is such a simple thing to do yet it is life altering. John 3:16 states:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” What this verse means is that if you believe that Jesus Christ was real and died on the cross for your sins, then you are saved and get a free ticket to heaven. Oh, and how glorious that day will be when I get to go to heaven. From what I understand there will be no pain, no torment, no disease, no mental illness, just peace and joy when you enter the gates of heaven. This gives me hope that all the suffering that I have been through will not be in vain and one day all of my suffering will vanish in the blink of an eye.

I’m not here to try to win anyone over I am simply stating what has helped me. I did not always believe in the power of God, it was something that I had to witness for myself. At first I mainly believed in Buddhist principles and thought that if I was to create good karma then that karma would come back around to  me.  I still believe in this however, now I am a believer in Jesus Christ. The only way I came to know this power was when I was once hospitalized for my panic disorder because I couldn’t stop having panic attacks, I was having about 30 a day.

During one of my bouts of panic I remembered what a friend once told me about saying “In the name of Jesus I command all evil to leave.” I cried out to God and screamed “in the name of Jesus I command all evil to leave”. It was in that moment that the panic vanished and great, comforting, white light filled my hospital room and filled me with peace. I was frightened at first but the beautiful white loving light made me feel a peace that I never felt before. It was strange because there were no windows in that hospital room for light to enter so I know for a fact that it was the grace of God that banished the demons from my sight and saved me from my panic.

Ever since the moment that God banished these demons I have been a believer. I am not saying that I do not struggle, I’m not saying that at all. I still struggle every day to keep sane and at peace but with the help of God I have been able to tackle the most evil thoughts you could ever imagine. Through prayer, meditation, and constant research in the Holy Scripture I have been able to move mountains. This instance was the first of many to come but it was the one that won me over.

So there you have it, the short story of me, my struggles and how I have been able to deal with them. I hope that this story helps you in some way and I encourage you to ask as many questions as possible. I will do my best to answer them and if I can’t answer them I will find someone who can. So, go ahead comment as much as you like and I will be here to assist in any way possible.

Much love and abundant blessings to you all,

Kimmy

http://www.withoutalabel.me

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General

Multiple Mental Illnesses With A Mood Disorder

I’d like to thank my Facebook followers for the suggestions for blog posts on content they would like to see. Doug provided a great idea to discuss multiple diagnoses in the form of Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I did some research on the subject, including the article he provided, and I have decided it would be a disservice for me to attempt to speak about that experience. A very large part of what I do here, on Facebook, and on my website is based through experience. However, Doug’s suggestion did jog an idea in my mind that I haven’t put forward yet in regards to multiple diagnoses. It is at this point that I would like to remind you that this is only a theory, but one I’ve formulated through observation over the past 17 years or so.

Multiple mental illness in a person is not uncommon. Some mental illnesses have components of others in them; such as people with PTSD with a Depression component. That creates an even more unique situation when they get combined in a single person. Bipolar Disorder affects each person with it in ways that are personal to them and their mentality. Medical professionals attempt to treat based off of loose interpretations of the symptoms. A depressed person may not be suicidal while another is. They both meet the criteria for depression, just differently.

The combination of multiple mental illnesses in a person will create something that is almost entirely unique to them. Thus, it will be harder to find a treatment that will work properly for the person due to that interaction.

That brings me to my theory: I wonder if people with multiple diagnoses may benefit from focusing on getting any mood disorder under control first. Not because it is any more important than the others, but the way a mood disorder like Bipolar Disorder or depression affects your baseline thinking. It alters your perception of the world around you, in turn, your mind reacts to what it perceives as opposed to what actually is.

As an example; I did not find out about high-functioning autism until my son was diagnosed with it. Going back and reading about it to understand it was like reading a biography. I feel that I am a very high functional autistic because I lack many of the interpersonal functions that are typical for a normal mind. There is also the autistic focuses, the inability to convert emotion to words, logical to a fault, inability to read people naturally, and several other things. It takes a lot of energy for me to function in a social way because I have to think about all the things that other people do subconsciously. As I looked back on my life, I began to see certain patterns and interactions in the ways that Bipolar Disorder and the HFA meshed for me.

The one great fear I have in my life is completely losing touch with reality in a Bipolar unwell period. If my mind ventures too far out- there is only hate, rage, loathing, and despair. There is no love, there is no kindness, no understanding, no vestiges of positivity at all. At that point I become Mr. Hyde to my normal Dr. Jeckyll. Due to the HFA, I have a hard time connecting and empathizing with people in a natural way. I feel that if I really rocketed out of control, the combination of all that negativity with my inability to empathize with others would probably result in a newscast ending with “… and police killed the suspect in the ensuing shootout.”

Let’s cut back to the mood disorder for just a moment. It affects how you interpret things:

– I drop a glass of water and break it.
*Manic: Fuck that goddamn glass! No dustpan? I’ll just clean it up with my hands.
*Depressed: I can’t believe I dropped a glass of water. Can’t even do that right.

The reality of the situation is – a glass of water was dropped. That’s it. A mood disorder skews the situation into extremes. It stains all of the information that comes into your mind before your mind has a chance to really interpret it. The tainted information is already being fed into a mentally ill mind that will skew it even further out of perspective. Sort of like putting a second bullhorn in front of a first bullhorn.

Assume that our example person is Bipolar and Schizophrenic. They are driving along and notice in their rear view mirror that the same car has been behind them for three different turns. The information is processed and skewed as potentially threatening by Bipolar Disorder then sent into the conscious mind where Schizophrenic thought processes could continue to stretch it and spin it out of control.

But what if that person had a good medication regiment for the Bipolar side of their struggle? A mood stabilizer would prevent the Bipolar side of their mind from pulling the situation too far out of proportion before it gets fed into the active mind where Schizophrenia will now contribute to playing with it.

I think this thought process may be applicable for a lot of people. If a person’s perception is at least somewhat healthy, then the circumstances going on around them won’t enter their active mind in an already spun state. The schizophrenia will still have an impact; but which would be better for it to spin? “There’s a car behind me that’s been there for a while. That’s odd. I don’t like that.” or “That son of a bitch is fucking following me. I know it.”

I’m inclined to think the second one is more likely to escalate out of control.

Thus, it seems to me that getting the gateway, perception altering Disorder under control will make all the other things in the person’s mind more manageable. That is not to suggest that everything else should be ignored. It just may be a more effective starting point for the person with two, four, or more mental illnesses with a mood disorder.

I’m curious to hear other peoples’ thoughts on this idea. Feel free to comment!

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Self-Help

Managing Bipolar Disorder Through The Major Stresses Of Life

There are a few very common stressors in a majority of lives. Marriage, changing careers, and moving all rank near the top. These stresses can be enough to rocket a Bipolar mind into unwellness in fairly short order. I do not feel it is a reasonable goal to completely eliminate any and all chance of swinging unwell when dealing with a lot of stress. It’s just not possible. The Bipolar would have to be on top of their mood management 100% of the time plus interpret every indicator correctly. That’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is develop an understanding of how stresses correlate with Bipolar Disorder unwellness. I’ll use moving as an example. “Moving is stressful.” Okay, but why?

I’ve got all this stuff I have to get packed. I only have until this date to do it. I have to get my utilities switched over. I have to ensure I can do something with my perishables if direct transport isn’t an option. Is my former residence in good enough shape to get my deposit back? I might have lost my job or been foreclosed on thus driving the stress factor through the roof.

All those things piled up can push someone manic or it can be so much it crashes them into a nonfunctional depression. It’s easier to understand from a depressive standpoint that a person could look at all of those things and just start to shut down. A Bipolar’s manic side can actually start moving when they are put in a position that forces aggressive, high-stress thought processes. For example, there have been several times that the “Fight or Flight” response has pushed me into a hypomania. When that response kicks in, your body is kicked into a hyper alert state to ensure survival. There are a number of physiological changes that occur in Fight or Flight that also occurs in mania.

In all cases, I believe that the best way to approach staying well through these stresses is to break things down into manageable portions. Sit down with some index cards and write a task that needs to get done on individual cards. Draw a card, keep it with you, and set out to finish that task. Keeping the card with you is going to provide an easily accessible physical focus. While you work on that detail, you want to avoid letting your mind wander about all of the other things you need to do. If you find yourself drifting- stop, read the card again, and recenter your mind on that task. Push all the other thoughts trying to interfere away.

I realize this is probably advice you have heard before. For a Bipolar, it really is a great approach. Unwell periods get moving like a train. They are slow to start but once they build steam they are much harder to stop. Thus, we have a tangible reminder of what we need to get done in our pocket for when our mind starts drifting off. We limit how much time we spend dwelling on this massive task that just seems so insurmountable. Instead we chip away at its base, piece by manageable piece; until it is no longer perceived to be an insurmountable task.

If at all possible, leave yourself enough time to actually do everything without needing to cram it into a single weekend of moving. That may not be feasible for most but I have seen on a number of occasions where a person knew they were moving in a year and waited until a month before they were due to leave to start organizing their packing.

Exerting a greater control over the circumstances that can drive your unwell periods will help you keep them in check. By minimizing those, we can minimize the impact those stresses will have on our mind.

This type of mental management is very effective in minimizing unwell swings. It is difficult to do, but the more you practice the easier it will be.

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The Goals of Bipolar Manifesto

I have a very different goal in mind for my Bipolar Manifesto website, Facebook and Google+ presence, and this blog in particular. The past couple of years I have spent quite a lot of time reading blogs and information. I embarked on a quest to know as much as I possibly could about living life with Bipolar Disorder. In my reading I have come across a few poignant truths that I would like to pass on to you.

– The “natural remedy” industry is more full of crap than the pharmaceutical industry.
There is a sea of propaganda about “the power of natural cures” and “what big pharm doesn’t want you to know” available on the internet. These people are actually worse than pharmaceutical companies because they are exploiting fear to shill their snake oil.

I cannot tell you what will and will not work for you. NOBODY can. Your brain chemistry is as unique to you as a fingerprint. “Natural” remedies have just as much of a chance of working for you as manufactured ones. The only way you’ll know is if you try it yourself.

– A majority of the people that complain about “big pharm” have no idea how they work.
Quick, how do new drugs get developed? How do pharmaceutical companies make their money? A pharmaceutical manufacturer spends a ton of money up front to develop a particular drug with absolutely no guarantee that they will be successful. If they are successful, they are awarded a few year patent so they can make their money back and attempt to turn a profit. The patent expires and then generics can go into production. In many cases, the drug ends up working for something entirely unrelated. Viagra started off as a cancer medication.

What does that mean to the consumer? The idea that keeping people perpetually sick to make money is entirely counterproductive to their business model. Yes, prices are terrible and it never seems like doctors know what they are talking about. Prices are terrible because of insurance companies not because of pharmaceuticals. Medical science has always been inexact- ALWAYS. You cannot apply one cookie-cutter solution to everyone and have success. That is exactly what doctors are forced to do in the interest of time and minimizing potential malpractice suits.

– There are no easy answers; never have been, never will be.
Thus I come to the goal for my body of work within Bipolar Manifesto. I’m not here to provide you the same regurgitated garbage you can find all over the internet. My entire focus for Bipolar wellness is empowering people to make their own decisions, think for themselves, and understand what constitutes success. If you want to try natural remedies, great! If you want to go a pharmaceutical approach, great! If you think therapy is useless and psychiatrists suck, more power to you!

My personal opinions and beliefs are irrelevant, as are many of the propagandists trying to shill their crap. The truly important things are to embrace fact and reality to find your wellness.

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Sympathy Not Pity

What does the phrase “I’m sorry” mean to you? Whenever I relate something difficult I have gone through or the way mental illness affects me to a normal, I inevitably get an “I’m sorry” at some point. I’ll be perfectly honest with you, it used to infuriate me. I would think, ‘I don’t need your fucking pity! I’m stronger because of this shit, it doesn’t make me weaker!’ It was actually a comedy article that caused me to reevaluate that view. The writer’s point was that in most cases, the sentiment wasn’t “I feel sorry for you.” It was more along the lines of “I’m sorry you went through that because there’s nothing else I can say.”

I wrongfully equated “I’m sorry” to pity. Looking back, I realize that the person was just trying to show sympathy and understanding that I had gone through some difficulties while not necessarily deserving them. What else is there for the listener to say?

I’m a little disappointed in myself that it took so many years for me to reach that understanding. I always try to put myself in the shoes of other people before making judgments or decisions. I think the subject matter was just too close to home for me to detach enough to put myself in that person’s place. It has fundamentally changed the way I handle interactions with normals.

A phrase I like to say is “I have sympathy but not pity.” Pity, to me, is something that is reserved for the truly oppressed and disadvantaged. It is for the people that are no longer capable of helping themselves. Even then, my pity disappears if they are offered assistance and refuse to work on their situation. I’ve never met a person that lived with Bipolar Disorder or Depression that I’ve pitied. I sympathize with their struggles and losses as they’ve tried to live with it. But I don’t pity them. There are hundreds of paths to wellness, you just need to keep trying until you find the right one.

I really advise you to analyze your view of the phrase “I’m sorry”. Does it make you angry? Sad? Make you want to seal off more? Are any of those reactions rationally proportionate to the person saying it to you? I know in my case, it was not. It was infuriating enough to almost be a manic trigger. That is certainly not a good way to maintain friendships and relationships with other people. It was also entirely my responsibility to change the way I viewed and reacted to that phrase as opposed to attempting to change the way everyone else viewed it. So yeah, I guess I was being kind of an asshole.

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Reacting To Suicide

I dislike suicide, not for the obvious reasons. I dislike it because the absolute end leaves behind so much stupidity. The person who ends up losing the war in their mind and commits suicide is rarely remembered with fondness or warmth. No, they’re remembered for the sole act of committing suicide. A singular act in their life that redefined everything else they may have accomplished to that date. I would point out that I’m not talking about things like assisted suicide for the terminally ill or someone who is just tired of life in general. I had indirect association with a man in his early 50’s who shot himself because he was simply tired of the way life had been for him. Having lived in poverty, I can understand that mentality and sympathize.

Instead, I’m talking about the people that struggle with depressive components of mental illness and end up killing themselves. Those types of problems do not just appear overnight. They ramp up over a long period of time. In the case of Don Cornelius, he had been expressed dark and depressive thoughts the last few years since his divorce which his friends are now realizing were indicators of a more serious problem. And therein is the problem; hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to go back and realize there was a problem after the fact. That doesn’t really help anyone though. People will inevitably miss indicators, the mentally ill will periodically take their own lives; it is impossible to “save” everyone.

So when someone does lose the fight, why is it that they are remembered for that singular act? That one act where the scales finally tipped far enough to the suicidal side of the spectrum to cause them to act. In my own family, we have a history of mental illness with some murders and suicides thrown in for good measure. Since my mother was adopted, she did not find her biological mother until she was about 50. I was the only person in my family with mental difficulties that I knew about until that family was found. It would be easier for me to milk a honey badger than it is to get people to talk about the suicides.

“We don’t talk about that.” “Um, that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.” “I don’t think we should talk about that.”

I get it. It’s easy to paint that person as selfish for making the choice they did. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how suicidal thinking works. It’s not so much as a choice as it is a culmination of bullshit stacking up with the perception that there is no way out. Most people that attempt suicide are not doing so because they want to die, they do so because they can no longer deal with their problems and they have no hope it will change. I have 1 active and 6 passive suicide attempts under my belt, if I thought for a second that the next 18 years would be anything like the past 18 years; I would slit my wrists and jump off the bridge. But no, I have hope things can be different.

I am sorry that a person close to you caused you so much pain. But you know what? YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. By not talking about these things it is far more difficult for other people going through it in a family to come forward or seek help. Why? They don’t want to be labelled as a “nutcase” or treated differently. But no, what really matters is the feelings of the living and how deceased’s action made them feel. Not the fact that the person laying in the box no longer has that choice.

Dear reader, I am very weary. I’m weary of people using emotions and feelings as a crutch. As much as I have tried, I simply do not have the energy to care about how these people feel about something that they clearly don’t understand. A week after, I can understand. 20, 30 years later? Really? When is it appropriate to talk about suicide?

If you had someone in your life close to you commit suicide, forgive them. It will do wonders for your own mentality. Remember them fondly. Hell, set a place for them at your next holiday dinner. They walked a long, hard, lonely road and lost their war. But here’s the thing. If you have kids or family members around who are walking the same path in their mind, they will be more open to talking about what’s in their mind.

A great number of mental illnesses have their roots in genetics. Which means if your family line up to that point has struggled with mental illness, it’s a pretty safe assumption it’s going to continue down the line. Changing that perception may prevent your grandkids or great grandkids from taking the same route the deceased did.

Silence benefits no one.

Now it’s too late to change the fate

To change the way, the time is out

Way too soon you had to go away

Why so soon you had to fly away

The guilt, The pain burning like a flame

The pain we feel too bad it’s so real

Feelings of shame ourselves we blame

Throughout the years speaking to deaf ears

– ‘Wasted Years’ – Norther

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The Joys of Depression

There are not a whole lot of things in this world that I hate, but depression and the depressive side of the Disorder is definitely a big one. A major determination in my Social Security Disability hearing was the feeling that my depressive component more closely resembles a Major Depression as opposed to regular. That was odd to me at first, I tend to view myself as a fairly self-aware individual. The hypomania I’m familiar with. But that leads me to wonder what regular depression is more like?

A deeper depression does explain a lot. There are times when I will go weeks without showering because I just don’t care. Even then, when I do pull myself in its less about getting clean and more about getting my scalp to quit itching. I’ve gone days without eating before just because I don’t care. I’ll  go out of my way to avoid social contact because I’m apathetic to human interaction and do not have the energy to waste effort on it.

I will even hit spells where I sit here, look at my medication, and just don’t take it because “fuck it who cares?”. I know I should have been taking it. I know how it’ll affect me if I don’t. I know how bad of an idea it is to just not take it. But there are still times that I fall into that mentality for as much as I harp about people taking responsibility about their medication commitment. I do fail to live up to mine on occasion. I point it out because I want everyone that reads my words to understand that even though I know how important it is, I still get depressed enough to utterly not give a shit.

People that don’t experience depression and try to relate always amuse (or irritate) me. I can remember three times in my adult life that I have felt happy with no hint of depression or hypomania. Three. The first was when I was incorrectly diagnosed as a depressive and put on wellbutrin with no mood stabilizer. There was a day when I felt good as I transitioning from depression to rocketing into hypomania. The second time was when I was diagnosed Bipolar. That lasted a good few hours. The third time was realizing that I was only feeling sad after trying a new medication when my ex-Fiancee informed me she found someone. I went from extremely sad about the situation to extremely happy that I was feeling sad without the void, no depression! That was when I started on prozac which now doesn’t work worth a shit for me again.

Then there’s the assholes that chime in with “Oh do you think everyone’s happy and that’s what life is about or something?” Yes, yes it is. Because if given the choice between living destitute in the gutter without depression or living in luxury in a mansion with it; I would opt for the gutter. Humans are not meant or wired to feel this muted, bastardized version of an emotional spectrum. If I thought for a second I would have to live mired in depression for the rest of my life, I’d kill myself now and get it over with.

But I don’t think that. And I’m not going to let idiots tell me what I know to not be true. I have hope there will be something better for me as I move forward. Now to try yet another antidepressant…

“I hurt myself today, to see if I could feel.

I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.

Tried to kill it all away, but I remember everything.” – Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” (cover by Johnny Cash is excellent)

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