Tag: bipolar

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Coping Depression kimmymc80 Self-Help

Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, and Panic Disorder, Oh My! #MentalHealth #Bipolar #Depression #PTSD #ADHD #OCD

So yeah, that’s me. My name is Kimberly McPherson and I am a type 1 rapid cycling Bipolar with OCD, PTSD, ADHD, and panic disorder. Yes, it may seem like I have been tagged with pretty much every label known to man but honestly it could be worse.

I was diagnosed at the age of 19 but like many others, I knew for a long time that something wasn’t quite right with me. At fist I tried to shove my diagnoses to the back of my mind and continue on with my life but as time passed I knew it was something I needed to take seriously.

Once I honestly harnessed my disorders I knew I couldn’t do it alone so I set out on a mission to find help. The first thing I needed to accomplish was finding a psychiatrist that fully understood what I was dealing with and wouldn’t just see me as a number. I was graced with an exceptional doctor that saw me as a person and not just a label. It took many tries but I finally found the perfect fit for me.

With the help of my doctor I came to the conclusion that I needed to be medicated in order for me to be a functioning member of society. I hated the thought that I needed to take medicine in order to fully survive but I knew that continuing to hurt myself wasn’t the answer.

You see, at the time of my diagnosis, I was a full fledged suicidal anorexic, bulimic, and self mutilator. I was told by many doctors that I probably wouldn’t live to see my 20th birthday. Boy, how I have proved them wrong. I reluctantly accepted help for my eating disorders and self mutilation and now I look back and thank God that I did.

Once I was medicated properly life started to make sense. The things I used to think and say were terrible. I would lash out at anyone and everyone. I truly didn’t mean any harm, I just didn’t understand why I hated myself so much. I now see the error of my ways. I was mistreated and misunderstood for the most part of my life. It took years of therapy for me to see that I didn’t have to look at myself the way I thought others did. I thought everyone hated me but in all honesty they just didn’t understand and wanted to help. The things people would say were things like “you’re too skinny” or “boy you’re touchy” and to me they sounded like “I hate you”. Now, I understand that it was my illnesses that made me think that way.

So, how do I deal with them now? Well, that’s a great question. The number one thing I must continue to do is take my medication as prescribed and at the same time every day. It seems like an incredible task just keeping up with all of it but once you get the hang of it the schedule gets easier and easier with passing time.

The second thing I must do is take care of myself. This includes taking vitamins (I take a multi vitamin for stress, vitamin D3, a B complex vitamin, a formulation of great minerals and vitamins called lights on from a company called Dynamaxx (this formulation has helped me to be able to get off most of my ADHD meds), and most importantly an awesome omega 3 vitamin). The omega 3’s I take are from the makers of Nordic Naturals called Ultimate Omega’s. I take 4 of these suckers a day. I found out about them through a Harvard study done on depression and honestly the mix of the Omegas with my medication has changed my outlook on things drastically. I can tell a huge difference between when I take them and when I don’t. If you or anyone you know has a mental illness I highly recommend adding these amazing vitamins to your health regimen.

On the same note of taking care of myself I also try to soak in at least 30 minutes of sunshine daily, get some exercise at least 3 times a week (walking, yoga, or riding my bike), and I try to do a meditation exercise daily. I  found a great chakra realignment meditation video that takes about 10 minutes and it thoroughly changes my outlook every time I do it. I can feel the balancing act happen throughout the video.  I also try and eat properly and if I can’t do that I drink Ensure to get in the proper nutrients that my body needs.

The third thing I try to do is stay connected to my creator. I am a firm believer in the power of God (I believe in the Holy Trinity, The Father, The Son (Jesus), and The Holy Spirit (that resides in you when you accept God into your life).  It is such a simple thing to do yet it is life altering. John 3:16 states:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” What this verse means is that if you believe that Jesus Christ was real and died on the cross for your sins, then you are saved and get a free ticket to heaven. Oh, and how glorious that day will be when I get to go to heaven. From what I understand there will be no pain, no torment, no disease, no mental illness, just peace and joy when you enter the gates of heaven. This gives me hope that all the suffering that I have been through will not be in vain and one day all of my suffering will vanish in the blink of an eye.

I’m not here to try to win anyone over I am simply stating what has helped me. I did not always believe in the power of God, it was something that I had to witness for myself. At first I mainly believed in Buddhist principles and thought that if I was to create good karma then that karma would come back around to  me.  I still believe in this however, now I am a believer in Jesus Christ. The only way I came to know this power was when I was once hospitalized for my panic disorder because I couldn’t stop having panic attacks, I was having about 30 a day.

During one of my bouts of panic I remembered what a friend once told me about saying “In the name of Jesus I command all evil to leave.” I cried out to God and screamed “in the name of Jesus I command all evil to leave”. It was in that moment that the panic vanished and great, comforting, white light filled my hospital room and filled me with peace. I was frightened at first but the beautiful white loving light made me feel a peace that I never felt before. It was strange because there were no windows in that hospital room for light to enter so I know for a fact that it was the grace of God that banished the demons from my sight and saved me from my panic.

Ever since the moment that God banished these demons I have been a believer. I am not saying that I do not struggle, I’m not saying that at all. I still struggle every day to keep sane and at peace but with the help of God I have been able to tackle the most evil thoughts you could ever imagine. Through prayer, meditation, and constant research in the Holy Scripture I have been able to move mountains. This instance was the first of many to come but it was the one that won me over.

So there you have it, the short story of me, my struggles and how I have been able to deal with them. I hope that this story helps you in some way and I encourage you to ask as many questions as possible. I will do my best to answer them and if I can’t answer them I will find someone who can. So, go ahead comment as much as you like and I will be here to assist in any way possible.

Much love and abundant blessings to you all,

Kimmy

http://www.withoutalabel.me

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General

Thoughts On Mental Illness And Socialization

I feel privileged to have the opportunity to interact with a colorful host of personalities through the way I live my life. The launch of my Bipolar Manifesto served as a great platform to socialize and interact with people of like-mind, going through the same struggles, or looking for the same solutions. I have to say- it has been a difficult adjustment to what I’m used to.

As a High-Functioning Autistic, I am not a social person by nature. Human interactions are governed by so many gray areas. There’s always doubts, considerations, and a myriad of other external factors. My mind does not function in gray areas. There is only black and white. On the positive side, I know that it is easier for me to make difficult decisions. It’s either going to be right or wrong, and I won’t know that until I gather as much information as possible then make that decision.

On the negative side, it’s significantly disrupted my ability to generally socialize and forge even casual friendships. If I ask someone how they are doing, it’s because I genuinely want to know. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t ask. Black and white. Even at past employers I typically got along with my coworkers the same way. I generally clicked with one or two people and then talked to no one else in an even remotely casual sense. To put it in perspective, I worked next to a woman full-time at Wal-Mart for a good two years before she found out I had a son. When asked why I never said anything about him, my only answer was ‘nobody asked’.

As I was contemplating how I wanted to approach what I had to say with my website and work, it quickly became apparent that was a skill-set I was going to have to work on. Who would have guessed that helping people would require interacting with them?! News to me. Someone should have warned me!

Frankly, I feel it is the root cause of one of my primary shortcomings. I have all the patience in the world for someone genuinely struggling, who is trying and experiencing set-backs, or that is trying to understand what is going on in their mind. On the other hand, I have absolutely no patience for people that sort of shuffle around the issue and refuse to acknowledge there might be a problem.

The very first therapist, and the man who diagnosed me, had been working with Bipolars for about 20 years. In one session he mentioned how much he disliked sessions that did not go anywhere. Apparently, one of his other patients had been coming to see him for six months and refused to acknowledge any issue or work he had to do to get his mind under control. It was at that point that I realized I could never be a traditional therapist.

I would have kicked him out after about a month and told him, “You know what- come back when you’re ready to get well. Rock bottom was good enough for me, it’s good enough for you too.”

My diagnosis was the best day of my life. It meant that I wasn’t just a worthless failure of a human being who couldn’t keep anything together for an extended period of time. I had an illness that needed addressed. If I did that, then maybe I could actually enjoy my life for a change. Diagnosis gave me many things; including hope and a purpose.

I’m still not perfectly well. I still make Bipolar decisions sometimes. One thing I strive never to do is waste another person’s time. I will never have the same style of social skills or tolerances that are generally expected. And I’m alright with that. That black and white thought process is what enabled me to literally throw the doors open on every dark thing I’ve done because of my mind.

I’ve been told it’s brave, courageous, and inspirational. I can see why some people would think so. But I don’t view it that way. I view it as a way to make the pain and suffering worthwhile. Because honestly; what’s the worst that can happen? I lose a 25th or so job? I end up abusing myself in bad ways? I might be socially and emotionally isolated? People might think I’m strange or weird?! Oh noes! Whatever shall I do?! That’s only been my life for the last 32 years or so!

Be happy with yourself, dear reader. Even if you can’t find peace or anything positive; there is no better way to gain wisdom and understanding than through suffering. That could very well be quite valuable to you later on.

Or, as an image macro on Facebook so eloquently put it- “Let your past make you better, not bitter.”

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Self-Help

Managing Bipolar Disorder Through The Major Stresses Of Life

There are a few very common stressors in a majority of lives. Marriage, changing careers, and moving all rank near the top. These stresses can be enough to rocket a Bipolar mind into unwellness in fairly short order. I do not feel it is a reasonable goal to completely eliminate any and all chance of swinging unwell when dealing with a lot of stress. It’s just not possible. The Bipolar would have to be on top of their mood management 100% of the time plus interpret every indicator correctly. That’s just not going to happen.

What we can do is develop an understanding of how stresses correlate with Bipolar Disorder unwellness. I’ll use moving as an example. “Moving is stressful.” Okay, but why?

I’ve got all this stuff I have to get packed. I only have until this date to do it. I have to get my utilities switched over. I have to ensure I can do something with my perishables if direct transport isn’t an option. Is my former residence in good enough shape to get my deposit back? I might have lost my job or been foreclosed on thus driving the stress factor through the roof.

All those things piled up can push someone manic or it can be so much it crashes them into a nonfunctional depression. It’s easier to understand from a depressive standpoint that a person could look at all of those things and just start to shut down. A Bipolar’s manic side can actually start moving when they are put in a position that forces aggressive, high-stress thought processes. For example, there have been several times that the “Fight or Flight” response has pushed me into a hypomania. When that response kicks in, your body is kicked into a hyper alert state to ensure survival. There are a number of physiological changes that occur in Fight or Flight that also occurs in mania.

In all cases, I believe that the best way to approach staying well through these stresses is to break things down into manageable portions. Sit down with some index cards and write a task that needs to get done on individual cards. Draw a card, keep it with you, and set out to finish that task. Keeping the card with you is going to provide an easily accessible physical focus. While you work on that detail, you want to avoid letting your mind wander about all of the other things you need to do. If you find yourself drifting- stop, read the card again, and recenter your mind on that task. Push all the other thoughts trying to interfere away.

I realize this is probably advice you have heard before. For a Bipolar, it really is a great approach. Unwell periods get moving like a train. They are slow to start but once they build steam they are much harder to stop. Thus, we have a tangible reminder of what we need to get done in our pocket for when our mind starts drifting off. We limit how much time we spend dwelling on this massive task that just seems so insurmountable. Instead we chip away at its base, piece by manageable piece; until it is no longer perceived to be an insurmountable task.

If at all possible, leave yourself enough time to actually do everything without needing to cram it into a single weekend of moving. That may not be feasible for most but I have seen on a number of occasions where a person knew they were moving in a year and waited until a month before they were due to leave to start organizing their packing.

Exerting a greater control over the circumstances that can drive your unwell periods will help you keep them in check. By minimizing those, we can minimize the impact those stresses will have on our mind.

This type of mental management is very effective in minimizing unwell swings. It is difficult to do, but the more you practice the easier it will be.

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Mental Illness or Personality Quirk?

It is difficult to get every person in your life on the same page with what mental illness actually is. Most of the occasions where I have been discussing the subject with someone who didn’t understand mental illness, they did not even know how to define it. Being able to define the difference between mental illness and a personality quirk can help open the door to understanding.

All mental illnesses are bound by a truth that is applicable across the board: a mental illness is a persistent condition that negatively impacts a person’s ability to maintain their life.

That may sound like oversimplification and to an extent it is. It’s meant to be simple so normals can wrap their minds about what it means. It is one thing to have some off days and be down in the dumps. It’s quite another to be morbidly depressed for three years, avoiding interpersonal contact, losing a job, not bathing or taking care of oneself, and eating sporadically.

I always stress that there is no simple answer or cookie cutter behavior when it comes to a mental illness. It always varies from person to person – that’s why the DSM criteria is fairly vague and is meant to be used in conjunction with a trained person examining the individual’s life. It isn’t enough to just look at the DSM and go “oh I have this because I have these symptoms”.

People on both sides of the fence seem to think that is how it works. It causes a lot of problems for the unwell trying to enable the people close to them to understand what makes the difference.

The following example is one I like to use to help convey the difference.

For the period of about three years, I managed to hold a job with Wal-Mart. There was a stint for about a year that I was a cashier. I was drastically unwell for reasons that I no longer remember, but I decided to try to work anyway. The very first customers I had were two bubbly, happy women. The one woman decided to get me to “cheer up and provide good service” by insisting I smile and look at the day in a brighter way!

I grit my teeth, tried to ignore it, answer their questions promptly and get the transaction over with. And then she started to mock what I was saying in a silly drawn out voice which sent me from morbidly depressed to the upper reaches of hypomania in about half a second.

My mind was just flooded with images of picking up the canned ham on the conveyor belt and beating her face in until it was featureless and toothless. Every word that came out of her mouth pushed me closer and closer. I ended up having to signal for a manager and walk out of the store to avoid assaulting her.

Now, let’s compare that to a “quirk”. A cashier could get upset or irritated with problem customers. That’s normal. They may argue or be brusque with them. You don’t typically see a 6’5”, 350 pound man contemplating jumping a cash register to beat in someone’s face with a canned ham because his brain told him it would do far more damage faster than a hand. It was even more out of character because I have never raised a hand in anger to a woman in my life.

At that point in time, all sanity departed and was displaced by the hypomanic shrieks in my mind to level her. It was a drastic indication of Bipolar Disorder making a very negative impact on my ability to conduct business and maintain employment. Definitely not a quirk. By showing the people you are trying to communicate with the difference between a “quirk” and what you deal with, you can help them see the severity of the situation in a clearer light.

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The Goals of Bipolar Manifesto

I have a very different goal in mind for my Bipolar Manifesto website, Facebook and Google+ presence, and this blog in particular. The past couple of years I have spent quite a lot of time reading blogs and information. I embarked on a quest to know as much as I possibly could about living life with Bipolar Disorder. In my reading I have come across a few poignant truths that I would like to pass on to you.

– The “natural remedy” industry is more full of crap than the pharmaceutical industry.
There is a sea of propaganda about “the power of natural cures” and “what big pharm doesn’t want you to know” available on the internet. These people are actually worse than pharmaceutical companies because they are exploiting fear to shill their snake oil.

I cannot tell you what will and will not work for you. NOBODY can. Your brain chemistry is as unique to you as a fingerprint. “Natural” remedies have just as much of a chance of working for you as manufactured ones. The only way you’ll know is if you try it yourself.

– A majority of the people that complain about “big pharm” have no idea how they work.
Quick, how do new drugs get developed? How do pharmaceutical companies make their money? A pharmaceutical manufacturer spends a ton of money up front to develop a particular drug with absolutely no guarantee that they will be successful. If they are successful, they are awarded a few year patent so they can make their money back and attempt to turn a profit. The patent expires and then generics can go into production. In many cases, the drug ends up working for something entirely unrelated. Viagra started off as a cancer medication.

What does that mean to the consumer? The idea that keeping people perpetually sick to make money is entirely counterproductive to their business model. Yes, prices are terrible and it never seems like doctors know what they are talking about. Prices are terrible because of insurance companies not because of pharmaceuticals. Medical science has always been inexact- ALWAYS. You cannot apply one cookie-cutter solution to everyone and have success. That is exactly what doctors are forced to do in the interest of time and minimizing potential malpractice suits.

– There are no easy answers; never have been, never will be.
Thus I come to the goal for my body of work within Bipolar Manifesto. I’m not here to provide you the same regurgitated garbage you can find all over the internet. My entire focus for Bipolar wellness is empowering people to make their own decisions, think for themselves, and understand what constitutes success. If you want to try natural remedies, great! If you want to go a pharmaceutical approach, great! If you think therapy is useless and psychiatrists suck, more power to you!

My personal opinions and beliefs are irrelevant, as are many of the propagandists trying to shill their crap. The truly important things are to embrace fact and reality to find your wellness.

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Sympathy Not Pity

What does the phrase “I’m sorry” mean to you? Whenever I relate something difficult I have gone through or the way mental illness affects me to a normal, I inevitably get an “I’m sorry” at some point. I’ll be perfectly honest with you, it used to infuriate me. I would think, ‘I don’t need your fucking pity! I’m stronger because of this shit, it doesn’t make me weaker!’ It was actually a comedy article that caused me to reevaluate that view. The writer’s point was that in most cases, the sentiment wasn’t “I feel sorry for you.” It was more along the lines of “I’m sorry you went through that because there’s nothing else I can say.”

I wrongfully equated “I’m sorry” to pity. Looking back, I realize that the person was just trying to show sympathy and understanding that I had gone through some difficulties while not necessarily deserving them. What else is there for the listener to say?

I’m a little disappointed in myself that it took so many years for me to reach that understanding. I always try to put myself in the shoes of other people before making judgments or decisions. I think the subject matter was just too close to home for me to detach enough to put myself in that person’s place. It has fundamentally changed the way I handle interactions with normals.

A phrase I like to say is “I have sympathy but not pity.” Pity, to me, is something that is reserved for the truly oppressed and disadvantaged. It is for the people that are no longer capable of helping themselves. Even then, my pity disappears if they are offered assistance and refuse to work on their situation. I’ve never met a person that lived with Bipolar Disorder or Depression that I’ve pitied. I sympathize with their struggles and losses as they’ve tried to live with it. But I don’t pity them. There are hundreds of paths to wellness, you just need to keep trying until you find the right one.

I really advise you to analyze your view of the phrase “I’m sorry”. Does it make you angry? Sad? Make you want to seal off more? Are any of those reactions rationally proportionate to the person saying it to you? I know in my case, it was not. It was infuriating enough to almost be a manic trigger. That is certainly not a good way to maintain friendships and relationships with other people. It was also entirely my responsibility to change the way I viewed and reacted to that phrase as opposed to attempting to change the way everyone else viewed it. So yeah, I guess I was being kind of an asshole.

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Reacting To Suicide

I dislike suicide, not for the obvious reasons. I dislike it because the absolute end leaves behind so much stupidity. The person who ends up losing the war in their mind and commits suicide is rarely remembered with fondness or warmth. No, they’re remembered for the sole act of committing suicide. A singular act in their life that redefined everything else they may have accomplished to that date. I would point out that I’m not talking about things like assisted suicide for the terminally ill or someone who is just tired of life in general. I had indirect association with a man in his early 50’s who shot himself because he was simply tired of the way life had been for him. Having lived in poverty, I can understand that mentality and sympathize.

Instead, I’m talking about the people that struggle with depressive components of mental illness and end up killing themselves. Those types of problems do not just appear overnight. They ramp up over a long period of time. In the case of Don Cornelius, he had been expressed dark and depressive thoughts the last few years since his divorce which his friends are now realizing were indicators of a more serious problem. And therein is the problem; hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to go back and realize there was a problem after the fact. That doesn’t really help anyone though. People will inevitably miss indicators, the mentally ill will periodically take their own lives; it is impossible to “save” everyone.

So when someone does lose the fight, why is it that they are remembered for that singular act? That one act where the scales finally tipped far enough to the suicidal side of the spectrum to cause them to act. In my own family, we have a history of mental illness with some murders and suicides thrown in for good measure. Since my mother was adopted, she did not find her biological mother until she was about 50. I was the only person in my family with mental difficulties that I knew about until that family was found. It would be easier for me to milk a honey badger than it is to get people to talk about the suicides.

“We don’t talk about that.” “Um, that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.” “I don’t think we should talk about that.”

I get it. It’s easy to paint that person as selfish for making the choice they did. Unfortunately, that’s not exactly how suicidal thinking works. It’s not so much as a choice as it is a culmination of bullshit stacking up with the perception that there is no way out. Most people that attempt suicide are not doing so because they want to die, they do so because they can no longer deal with their problems and they have no hope it will change. I have 1 active and 6 passive suicide attempts under my belt, if I thought for a second that the next 18 years would be anything like the past 18 years; I would slit my wrists and jump off the bridge. But no, I have hope things can be different.

I am sorry that a person close to you caused you so much pain. But you know what? YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. By not talking about these things it is far more difficult for other people going through it in a family to come forward or seek help. Why? They don’t want to be labelled as a “nutcase” or treated differently. But no, what really matters is the feelings of the living and how deceased’s action made them feel. Not the fact that the person laying in the box no longer has that choice.

Dear reader, I am very weary. I’m weary of people using emotions and feelings as a crutch. As much as I have tried, I simply do not have the energy to care about how these people feel about something that they clearly don’t understand. A week after, I can understand. 20, 30 years later? Really? When is it appropriate to talk about suicide?

If you had someone in your life close to you commit suicide, forgive them. It will do wonders for your own mentality. Remember them fondly. Hell, set a place for them at your next holiday dinner. They walked a long, hard, lonely road and lost their war. But here’s the thing. If you have kids or family members around who are walking the same path in their mind, they will be more open to talking about what’s in their mind.

A great number of mental illnesses have their roots in genetics. Which means if your family line up to that point has struggled with mental illness, it’s a pretty safe assumption it’s going to continue down the line. Changing that perception may prevent your grandkids or great grandkids from taking the same route the deceased did.

Silence benefits no one.

Now it’s too late to change the fate

To change the way, the time is out

Way too soon you had to go away

Why so soon you had to fly away

The guilt, The pain burning like a flame

The pain we feel too bad it’s so real

Feelings of shame ourselves we blame

Throughout the years speaking to deaf ears

– ‘Wasted Years’ – Norther

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The Joys of Depression

There are not a whole lot of things in this world that I hate, but depression and the depressive side of the Disorder is definitely a big one. A major determination in my Social Security Disability hearing was the feeling that my depressive component more closely resembles a Major Depression as opposed to regular. That was odd to me at first, I tend to view myself as a fairly self-aware individual. The hypomania I’m familiar with. But that leads me to wonder what regular depression is more like?

A deeper depression does explain a lot. There are times when I will go weeks without showering because I just don’t care. Even then, when I do pull myself in its less about getting clean and more about getting my scalp to quit itching. I’ve gone days without eating before just because I don’t care. I’ll  go out of my way to avoid social contact because I’m apathetic to human interaction and do not have the energy to waste effort on it.

I will even hit spells where I sit here, look at my medication, and just don’t take it because “fuck it who cares?”. I know I should have been taking it. I know how it’ll affect me if I don’t. I know how bad of an idea it is to just not take it. But there are still times that I fall into that mentality for as much as I harp about people taking responsibility about their medication commitment. I do fail to live up to mine on occasion. I point it out because I want everyone that reads my words to understand that even though I know how important it is, I still get depressed enough to utterly not give a shit.

People that don’t experience depression and try to relate always amuse (or irritate) me. I can remember three times in my adult life that I have felt happy with no hint of depression or hypomania. Three. The first was when I was incorrectly diagnosed as a depressive and put on wellbutrin with no mood stabilizer. There was a day when I felt good as I transitioning from depression to rocketing into hypomania. The second time was when I was diagnosed Bipolar. That lasted a good few hours. The third time was realizing that I was only feeling sad after trying a new medication when my ex-Fiancee informed me she found someone. I went from extremely sad about the situation to extremely happy that I was feeling sad without the void, no depression! That was when I started on prozac which now doesn’t work worth a shit for me again.

Then there’s the assholes that chime in with “Oh do you think everyone’s happy and that’s what life is about or something?” Yes, yes it is. Because if given the choice between living destitute in the gutter without depression or living in luxury in a mansion with it; I would opt for the gutter. Humans are not meant or wired to feel this muted, bastardized version of an emotional spectrum. If I thought for a second I would have to live mired in depression for the rest of my life, I’d kill myself now and get it over with.

But I don’t think that. And I’m not going to let idiots tell me what I know to not be true. I have hope there will be something better for me as I move forward. Now to try yet another antidepressant…

“I hurt myself today, to see if I could feel.

I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.

Tried to kill it all away, but I remember everything.” – Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” (cover by Johnny Cash is excellent)

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Maintaining Friendships And Relationships With Bipolar Disorder

An extremely difficult aspect of living with Bipolar Disorder is keeping friendships and relationships in the long-term. The swings that we experience are not only destructive to ourselves but to those we are closest to. Preserving relationships with the people we care most about requires sacrifice, effort, and understanding from all of the involved parties. The following is a foundation for building an approach to keeping these relationships intact. Much of the advice I provide is distilled to a bare bones approach that I feel anyone can adapt to their lifestyle. Mental illness is a personal experience like no other, thus it requires a personalized management style.

*Educating Both Parties
The first step is to build a foundation of knowledge for both parties. The Bipolar person should wait until they are as level as they can be to prevent perceived slights from exploding.

– Bipolar: As a Bipolar, we need to understand how a loved one perceives us while unwell. Are they afraid, uncomfortable, pained? After you level off, you will need to initiate the steps to repair the breach.

– Normal: A Bipolar that is in an unwell period is perceiving life through a twisted lens. We react to things in ways that make no sense to anyone but us. The person that you know and love is in there. It may take days or months, but under normal circumstances they will return when in balance.

*Preservation Strategy
On a regular basis, we the Bipolar are left watching the ashes of our personal lives drifting through our fingers. The actions we take while unwell always have greater repercussions through every aspect of our lives. Thus, we should strive to minimize the damage of the flame once it ignites.

– Bipolar: Always remind yourself to hear what you are being told. Try to prevent their statements from running away in your mind. “I can’t give you ten bucks.” Doesn’t mean anything more than that though it can easily get to ‘That person won’t give me ten bucks because they don’t love, respect, or care about me. So fuck that mother fucker too!’ And now you’re in a hostile mentality ripe for torching that friendship.

– Normal: Be aware that any action or statement you make could get blown out of proportion in the Bipolar’s mind. However, that does not mean that you are to be a doormat or a victim. When dealing with someone who is unwell, keep your statements short and to the point. If their reaction seems out of sync with what is going on, it is quite likely the Disorder twisted it out of proportion. Stay calm and even. If you cannot, leave the conflict. Step away with something like, “I’m not sure if you are unwell or not, but I do not feel this conversation is constructive. We will talk about it tomorrow.” By doing so, you are not providing fuel to make the situation worse.

*Forgiveness Is All Important
There is no more powerful action than forgiveness. That does NOT mean you should allow yourself to ever be a victim or doormat. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat other people like shit. Yes, we periodically do treat other people terribly, but that does not make it right or acceptable.

– Bipolar: Be aware that everyone has certain boundaries that cannot be crossed. In the event that you do, you may very well lose that person or drive them away for good. Should that time come there is not a whole lot you will be able to do. Avoid letting feelings of resentment, anger, or abandonment build. Forgive them. Tell them you understand and let them go. Why? By doing so you are not reinforcing the unwell you in their mind. They are seeing you are a rational, reasonable, understanding person. Their thoughts in the coming days won’t be about whatever lunacy you were going through at the time, but be focused more on their last, rational interaction with you.

– Normal: Not everyone can handle being around the mentally unwell when they are. You need to identify your limits so you know what is entirely out of bounds. This will help the Bipolar person as well since they may be able to recognize it as a boundary. At some point in time, I took to looking behind a person’s actions for motivation before making a judgment. The same thing will help when deciding whether or not to forgive a Bipolar person their slights against you.

For example: I’ve been through approximately 25 jobs in the last 15 years or so. While I was with my second ex-Fiancee, I was still without diagnosis. I continued to lose jobs on a regular basis. Instead of coming clean about it, I lied about why I kept losing jobs to her. Now on the surface, one can just look at it and go “okay you lied several times, you’re a shithead.” and in large part I’d agree. However, I lied because I knew I had difficulties holding a job and was trying to turn it around. I knew it would affect her clinical depression and I did not want her to be so mad at me that I could not help her get through it. Was it right? No. Would I have handled it that way if I was well? No. Was it what my unwell brain told me was the best approach? Yep.

There are very few simple, clear cut reasons with a Bipolar thought process. If they do not cross your limits, its better to forgive them if you don‘t understand the thought process they are relating to you.

*Repairing Breaches
To the people that have experienced the pain of losing someone close to them because of their actions, you might find it hard to believe that there is a silver-lining. Going back, apologizing, and repairing the breaches between you and the people you care about can greatly strengthen your relationships. In addition, it will help separate the people that can handle your unwellness from those that can’t. You will have to take the step forward though. Embrace whatever humility you have to approach the people you wounded to ask forgiveness.

When I put this idea forward, the first response I usually get is “Why should I apologize! I’m the one with the mental illness!” I understand your frustration. This is not about mental illness, this is about showing remorse for hurting someone you care about. The approach I typically use is as follows:

‘I apologize for (insert action here) and the effect it had on you. I was in an unwell Bipolar cycle at the time so I was not myself. And I want you to understand, this is not an excuse but a reason. I acknowledge what I did, I know it was not the right thing to do, and to be honest, there’s a better than good chance I’ll probably end up doing something just as stupid in the future. That’s life with Bipolar Disorder. If you want to forgive me, that’s your choice. If not, I understand that too. If I can make it right, I will.’

And then I give the person space to think if they need it. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a few weeks, very rarely do they ever disappear for good.

*A Final Thought
The people in your life that can accept the bullshit we put them through and forgive you are your most valuable allies in your battle for wellness. If they are a person you can trust, their word becomes invaluable while you are unwell. They can be an anchor to what reality actually is. In my case, if I am acting severely out of my mind and someone points it out to me, rather than go out and about and cause the chaos that will come with being unwell; I hole up and ride it out until it passes. Once I rebalance, I get back on the path of whatever it is I was doing. By doing so, I help minimize damage and shorten my unwell periods. The more fuel shoveled in the furnace of mind the longer I’m going to burn, right?

Don’t hesitate to bring the people you love and care about in your world if you are Bipolar. They already know your different facets. They may not like, agree, or desire the unwell you. But there is a person in there that they value and love, otherwise they wouldn’t be putting up with our bullshit. In most cases, the person they love is the well person we are struggling so hard to get to with the therapy, doctors, medication, exercises, and more.

More information is available in my article “Effectively Managing A Bipolar Relationship”.

“This is my other side,
I’m not only a Dark One,
As I have a pulsing heart,
For all who care.”

– “The Dark One” Darkseed

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